Morelli Quotes & Sayings

I rushed us out of your parents' house because I didn't think I could manage two hours at the dinner table with everyone focused on Joe Loosey's joystick sitting in the refrigerator next to the applesauce. — Janet Evanovich

That might work," I said. "I'm good at faking it."
This led to a couple moments of uncomfortable silence from both of us.
"You didn't mean ... ?" Morelli asked.
"No. Of course not."
"Never?"
"Maybe once."
His eyes narrowed. "Once?"
"It's all that comes to mind. It was the time we were late for your Uncle Spud's birthday party."
"I remember that. That was great. You're telling me you faked it?"
"We were late! I couldn't concentrate. It seemed like the best way to go. — Janet Evanovich

Does your mother know that you're carrying a gun? I'm going to tell her. I'm going to call and tell her right now.
She sent me a look of utter disgust and slammed the front door. I was 30-year-old and Mrs Morelli was going to tell my mother on me. Only in the burgh. — Janet Evanovich

Honey, Half the women in NJ have sold him their cannolli -Conie to Stephanie about Joe Morelli (One for the money) — Janet Evanovich

My eyes never got lower than your nipples. If it wasn't for the fact that Morelli would shoot me I would have taken you on his front lawn. — Janet Evanovich

I thought you wanted to date other women?"
"I didn't want to date other women. We decided in the heat of the moment that were no longer exclusively attached."
"And I could date other men."
Morelli was starting to look annoyed. "Have you been dating other men?"
"Maybe."
"As long as it isn't Ranger," Morelli said.
"I don't think Ranger dates. — Janet Evanovich

Suppose I lay down on the pavement and you run over me a few times with my own car ... just for old times. — Janet Evanovich

Next time I fall in love it's going to be with someone who isn't an expert in fibbing."
"You're in love with me?"
"You didn't know that?"
"I did, but it's nice to hear."
"Scares the hell out of me. — Janet Evanovich

Nice dress. Take it off. — Janet Evanovich

Morelli beeped his truck unlocked. "If you're looking for your rent-a-cop, I told Ranger you'd be with me this morning."
"Did he make you take a blood oath that you'd protect me?"
"He asked me if I had adequate health insurance. — Janet Evanovich

Men!"
"At least we don't fake it."
"Listen, it was your uncle. And we were late, remember? So I made the sacrifice and got us there in time for dessert. You should be thanking me."
Morelli's mouth was open slightly and his face was registering a mixture of astonished disbelief and wounded, pissed-off male pride.
Okay, it wasn't that much of a sacrifice at the time, and I knew he shouldn't be thanking me, but give me a break here ... this wasn't famine in Ethiopia — Janet Evanovich

Morelli ran after him, there was a lot of yelling and growling, and Morelli came down empty-handed. "He ate it," Morelli said. I was horrified to the point of gagging. Ranger stared down at his shoe, making a monumental effort not to laugh. And Morelli stood hands on hips, staring at the bloody splotch on his rug. — Janet Evanovich

Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. "How does he always get food stuck to him?" I asked Morelli.
"I don't know," Morelli said. "It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure."
-Morelli And Stephanie — Janet Evanovich

Honey, a man can't keep his gun in a cookie jar. It just isn't done. — Janet Evanovich

I don't believe this," Morelli yelled. "I don't fucking believe this. What do you do, sit in bed at night and think about ways to fuck up my life? — Janet Evanovich

You can run, but you can't hide, Cupcake." Morelli said. "I'll find you."
"You are such a cop."
"Tell me about it. — Janet Evanovich

Ranger was the second biggest complication in my life, and now that Morelli was out of the picture, I supposed Ranger was elevated to numero uno. He's close to six foot, one way or the other, is Latino, with medium brown skin and dark brown hair cut short. His teeth are white and even, and he has a killer smile that is seen only on special occasions. He dresses in black, and today he was wearing a black T-shirt and black cargo pants. — Janet Evanovich

Oh my God. You're going to Julie Morelli's wedding! It's true about you and Joe."
"What about me and Joe?"
"I heard you were living with him."
"I had a fire in my apartment, and I rented a room from him for a short time."
Sandy's face scrunched up in disappointment. "You mean you weren't sleeping with him?"
"Well, yeah, I guess I was sleeping with him."
"Oh my God. I knew it! I just knew it! What's he like? Is he excellent? Is he ... you know, big? He doesn't have a little twinkie, does he? Oh, God, don't tell me if he has a little twinkie. — Janet Evanovich

Lula had Eminem cranked up. He was rapping about trailer park girls and how they go round the outside, and I was wondering what the heck that meant. I'm a white girl from Trenton. I don't know these things. I need a rap
cheat sheet. — Janet Evanovich

I was driving by, doing a security check ... and I smelled leg of lamb.
Morelli — Janet Evanovich

Oh boy," Lula said when she saw me. "Think we got a good story walking in the door, here. What's with the handcuff?"
"I thought it would look good with the cheese balls in my hair. You know, dress up the outfit."
"I hope it was Morelli," Connie said. "I wouldn't mind being cuffed by Morelli."
"Close," I said. "It was Ranger."
"Uh-oh," Lula said. "Think I just wet my pants."
"It wasn't anything sexual," I said. "It was ... an accident. And then we lost the key."
Connie fanned herself with a manila folder. "I'm having a hot flash. — Janet Evanovich

I'd kiss you, but you smell like a gym bag. — Janet Evanovich

I see you looking at my cookies,' my father said to Morelli. 'Don't even think about it. Go get your own cookies. — Janet Evanovich

It's not the pizza, darlin', its my masculine presence.
Joe Morelli — Janet Evanovich

Stephanie, I'm begging you. Eat some doughnuts. I can't keep going like this. - Morelli — Janet Evanovich

My sex life is okay."
"Yeah," Morelli said. "But sometimes it's fun to have a partner. — Janet Evanovich

Morelli smiled. "It could have been Jenny Ragucci. That makes much more sense. I had good luck with sluts."
I looked over at him.
All in the past," Morelli said. "I'm a cupcake man now."
Whoa, dude," Mooner said. "That's so, like, cosmic. — Janet Evanovich

Yeah. Almost as surprising as when you nailed me with your father's car."
In the interest of avoiding confrontation, I felt compelled to explain. I didn't feel obliged to do it convincingly. "It was an accident. My foot slipped."
"That was no accident. You jumped the goddamn curb and followed me down the sidewalk. — Janet Evanovich

It's a long story," I said. "The short version is Diesel and I are pretending to get married, so we can get Kloughn to marry Valerie." "Does Morelli know about this?" "It's pretend." "I'm not even gonna ask if Ranger knows. Poor ol' Diesel here be dead if Ranger knew. — Janet Evanovich

Oh, for God's sake," I said. "Just give me the stupid thing." I took the panic button and stuck it into my Super Sexy Miracle Bra. "GPS," Ranger said to Morelli. "Probably I can find her breast without it," Morelli said. "But it's good to know there's a navigational system on board if I need it. — Janet Evanovich

How's it going with Morelli? You able to get a fix on him?" "Not exactly a fix, but I know he's still in town." "He's a serious babe," Connie said. "Saw him six months ago, before all this happened. He was ordering a quarter pound of provolone at the meat market, and I had all I could do to keep from sinking my teeth into his butt. — Janet Evanovich

You're such a cupcake. — Janet Evanovich

Sally looked over at him. "What, are you homophobic?"
"Nope," Morelli said. "I'm Italian. There's a difference. — Janet Evanovich

I was on my back, looking up at Morelli through cobwebs, and my first thought was that the 7-Eleven victim had exacted revenge on me, and I'd been stun gunned. The cobwebs cleared, and I discounted stun gunning.
"What happened?" I asked Morelli.
"You fainted."
"That's ridiculous."
"I agree, but if someone sent me a dead woman I might faint, too." He was down on one knee, bending over me. "Are you ready to get up?"
"I need a moment."
"Don't take too long. People will think I'm proposing. — Janet Evanovich

I looked over at him. "Is that a proposal?"
There was total silence for a couple beats. "I'm not sure. It just popped out."
"Let me know when you're sure."
"Would you say yes?" Morelli asked.
"I'm not sure. — Janet Evanovich

Stephanie: "I have a list of Kenny's friends. I'm going to run through it."
Morelli: "Where'd you get this list?"
Stephanie: "Privileged information."
Morelli: "You broke into his apartment and stole his little black book."
Stephanie: "I didn't steal it. I copied it."
Morelli: "I don't want to here any of this. You're not carrying concealed, are you?"
Stephanie: "Who, me?"
Morelli: "Shit, I must be crazy to work with you — Janet Evanovich

I like the way you've let your hair go curly," he finally said. "Suits your personality. Lots of energy, not much control, sexy as hell,"
Joe Morelli to Stephanie Plum — Janet Evanovich

Men drive off bridges and drink too much because of women like you. — Janet Evanovich

I was waiting for my body receipt when Morelli walked in. He nodded to Ranger and grinned at me in my whiteness.
"I was at my desk, and Mickey told me I had to come out to take a look," Morelli said.
"It's floor," I told him.
"I can see that. If we add some milk and eggs, we can turn you into a cake. — Janet Evanovich

Morelli was wearing a blazer over a black knit shirt, He took a seat, and his jacket swung wide, exposing the gun at his hip.
"Nice piece!" Grandma said. "What is it? Is that a forty-five?"
"It's a nine- millimeter."
"Don't suppose you'd let me see it," Grandma said. "I'd sure like to get the feel of a gun like that."
"No!" said everyone in unison.
"I shot a chicken once," Grandma explained to Morelli. "It was an accident."
"Where did you shoot it?" he finally asked.
"In the gumpy," Grandma said. "Shot it clear off. — Janet Evanovich

What did you do?" "Blew up a fuel depot, stole twelve rockets and made off with them in a stolen van, got kidnapped by a maniac, and had dinner with a guy who farted fire." "That would be funny, but I'm worried it's all true." "It's been a long couple days." "Did he really fart fire?" Morelli asked. — Janet Evanovich

Jesus, Morelli, you sound like you have PMS. You have to learn to lighten up a little. It's just a car alarm. You should be thanking me. I had it installed with my own money. — Janet Evanovich

You ever get any death threats? How about ex-husbands or ex-boyfriends? You run over anyone recently?" ~ Morelli — Janet Evanovich

I finished my soup and bread and helped myself to a handful of cookies from the cookie jar, glancing at Morelli, wondering at his lean body. He'd eaten two bowls of soup, half a loaf of bread slathered in butter, and seven cookies. I'd counted.
He saw me staring and raised his eyebrows in silent question.
"I suppose you work out," I said, mores statement than question.
"I run when I can. Do some weights." He grinned. "Morelli men have good metabolisms."
Life was a bitch. — Janet Evanovich

Do you have someone watching her house?" (Stephanie)
"That kind of surveillance only happens in the movies. We're so underbudgeted we're one step away from
holding bake sales to pay for toilet paper. (Morelli) — Janet Evanovich

I'd slept with Ranger! Not sexually, of course. But I'd been in his bed. And then there was the evil shower gel. "It was all because of the shower gel," I said. Morelli's eyes narrowed. "Shower gel?" I made a major effort not to sigh. "Long story. You probably don't want to hear it. — Janet Evanovich

My father was in the kitchen putting a new washer in the kitchen faucet. He looked relieved to see Morelli standing in the hallway. He'd probably prefer I bring home someone useful, like a butcher or a car mechanic, but I guess cops are a step up from undertakers. — Janet Evanovich

Valerie was crying, too. She was laughing and sniffling back sobs. "I'm going to marry my snuggy wuggums," she said.
Morelli paused, his fork halfway to the roast chicken platter. He slid his eyes to me and leaned close. "If you ever call me snuggy wuggums in public I'll lock you in the cellar and chain you to the furnace. — Janet Evanovich

Here's a basic difference between Morelli and me. My first thought was always of cake. His first thought was always of sex. Don't get me wrong. I like sex ... a lot. But it's never going to replace cake. — Janet Evanovich

Morelli was an amazing lover, but Ranger was magic. — Janet Evanovich

You're going to find this hard to believe, but cops aren't required to carry emergency condoms.
Joe Morelli — Janet Evanovich

I blink back the threat of tears, swiped at my nose and narrowed my eyes. "Listen to me, you two bags of monkey shit, "I yelled. "I am not in a good mood. My car keeps stalling. The day before yesterday I threw up on Joe Morelli. I was called a fat cow by my ex-husband. And if that isn't enough ... my hair is ORANGE! ORANGE, FOR CHRISSAKE! And now you have the gall to force yourself into my home and threaten my hamster. Well, you have gone too far. You have crossed the line! — Janet Evanovich

Knees and your shirt caught in your zipper." "I don't remember that part," Dickie said. "Did I used to do that?" "Yes." Dickie started laughing. "I wasn't making a lot of money back then. I couldn't afford a hotel room." "It's not funny!" I said. "Sure it is. Grass stains and rug burns are always funny." He looked over at Morelli. "She didn't like to do doggy." Morelli slid a look at me and smiled. There wasn't much I didn't like — Janet Evanovich

The note wasn't signed, but I could tell it was from Morelli by the way my nipples got hard. — Janet Evanovich

Morelli looked dazed. "What good is a gun without bullets?" "It's good for scaring people. Or you can hit people with it. Or you can use it to break windows ... or crack walnuts. — Janet Evanovich

Men came in and dragged us apart. It took us five minutes to bring Nora to. She sat up holding her cheek and looked around the room until she saw Morelli, nippers on one wrist, standing between two detectives. Morelli's face was a mess: the coppers had worked him over a little just for the fun of it. Nora glared at me. "You damned fool," she said, "you didn't have to knock me cold. I knew you'd take him, but I wanted to see it."
One of the coppers laughed. "Jesus," he said admiringly, "there's a woman with hair on her chest. — Dashiell Hammett

I'm going back to bed," Grandma said when Mooner and Dougie left. "This doesn't look too interesting. I liked it better the other night when you were on the floor with the bounty hunter."
Morelli gave me the same kind of look Desi always gave Lucy when she'd just done something incredibly stupid.
"It's a long story," I said.
"I bet. — Janet Evanovich

Fine. Let Ranger get someone else. Trust me, you don't want to be out looking for a parking place on Sloane in the middle of the night."
"I won't have to look for a parking place. Tank's picking me up."
"Your working with a guy name Tank?"
"He's big."
"Jesus", Morelli said. "I had to fall in love with a woman who works with a guy named Tank."
"You love me?"
"Of course I love you. I just don't want to marry you. — Janet Evanovich

This is a little awkward," I said, "but my mother just ran over the rabbit."
"Ran over?"
"As in roadkill. We're not sure what to do about it."
"Where are you?"
"Giovichinni's, buying lunch meat."
"And the rabbit?"
"Gone. He was with two other guys. They scooped him up off the road and drove away with him."
There was a long silence on the phone. "I'm fucking speechless," Morelli finally said. — Janet Evanovich

Her full name is Eva Morelli Stein Hathaway. She retains her surnames not because they define her, but because she defines them; that is, except for the first--Morelli. Ironically it is the one she's least familiar with... — Maryann D'Agincourt

Morelli grabbed the front of my shirt, pulled me to him, and kissed me.
It was a great kiss, but I didn't know what the heck it meant. It seemed to me a breaking up kiss would have had less tongue. — Janet Evanovich

Go figure that. Joseph Morelli with a house, a dog, a steady job, and an SUV. And on odd days of the month he woke up wanting to marry me. It turns out want to marry him on even days of the month, so to date we've been spared commitment. — Janet Evanovich

Creep" I said, cutting to the heart of the matter. - Stephanie
"Gosh, I wonder who this could be."
- Morelli
"You lied to me. I knew it too. I knew right from the beginning, you jerk."
Silence stretched taut between us, and I realized my accusation covered a lot of territory, so I narrowed the field.
"I want to knew about this big secret case you're working on, and I want to know how it ties in to Kenny Mancuso and Moogey Bues." - Stephanie
"Oh" Morelli said. "That lie " - Morelli
"Well?" - Stephanie
"I cant tell you anything about that lie" - Morelli
-Two For The Dough — Janet Evanovich

I felt a little bad about killing the man, but what choice did I have?" ... Louie Morelli, "The Prince of Mafia Princes. — Patricia Bellomo

About that proposal, cupcake..."
Morelli — Janet Evanovich

That was close,"he said, helping himself to coffee.
Yeah, you almost opened the door to Morelli."
I wasn't talking about Morelli. I was talking about us."
That too," I said.
Ranger sliced a bagel and looked for the toaster.
It's broken,"I told him.
He truned the boiler on and slid the bagel into the oven.
That's surprisingly domestic for a man of mystery," I said to him.
He looked at me over the rim of his coffee mug. "I like things hot. — Janet Evanovich

I wanted to tell you I ... uh, like you." Shit. I chickened out! What was it with me that I couldn't say the big L word? I am such a dope.
Morelli sighed into the phone. "You are such a dope. — Janet Evanovich

In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I've never been a slave to good judgment. — Janet Evanovich

You shouldn't be driving," Morelli said to Kloughn. "I know," Kloughn said. "I tried walking, but I was too drunk. It's okay. I was driving very slooooowly and 'sponsibly. — Janet Evanovich

How was your day?" Morelli asked me. "Oh, you know, the usual. Stole a truck. Blew up a building, and brought seven monkeys home with me. — Janet Evanovich

And the closest I've come to an out-of-body experience was when Joe Morelli took his mouth to me fourteen years ago, behind the eclair case. — Janet Evanovich

[Stephanie] 'You see, Mrs. Mayer was going on about George's lodge, and how he wanted to be buried with his ring, and so Grandma had to check the ring out, and in the process broke off one of George's fingers. Turns out the finger was wax. Somehow Kenny got into the mortuary this morning, left Spiro a note, and chopped off George's finger. And then while I was at the mall tonight with Mary Lou, Kenny threatened me in the shoe department. That must have been when he put the finger in my pocket.' [Morelli] 'Have you been drinking? — Janet Evanovich

This is war,' I yelled through the door.
Lucky for me,' Morelli said. 'I give good war. — Janet Evanovich

Joe" I said. "It's Stephanie."
"Does this involve death?"
"Not yet."
"Does this involve sex?"
"Not yet."
"I can't imagine why else you'd be calling me. — Janet Evanovich

I OPENED THE front door to Morelli's house and Bob — Janet Evanovich

Studsy returned alone. "Maybe I'm wrong," he said as he sat down, "but I think somebody could do something with that cluck if they took hold of her right."
Morelli said: "By the throat."
Studsy grinned good-naturedly. "No. She's trying to get somewhere. She works hard at her singing lessons and - — Dashiell Hammett

Morelli grinned down at me. I don't know where he's getting it, but he's got some really good shit in those brownies. — Janet Evanovich

You're scum, Morelli! You're scum! — Janet Evanovich

What's he doing?" Mary Lou asked. "What's he doing?"
"Getting a spoon. I was was right-he went out to buy ice cream."
The light blinked out, and Morelli disappeared. Mary Lou and I scuttled across Morelli's backyard and squinted into his window.
"Do you see him?" Mary Lou asked.
"No. He's disappeared."
"I didn't hear the front door open."
"No, and he's got the television on. He's just out of sight somewhere."
Mary Lou crept closer. "Too bad he's got the shades pulled on his front windows."
"I'll try to be more considerate next time," Morelli said, standing inches behind us.
Mary Lou and I yelped and instinctively sprang away, but Morelli had both of us by the back of our jackets. — Janet Evanovich

He lowered his mouth and kissed me. I know I should have kneed him in the groin, but the kiss was delicious. Joe Morelli still knew how to kiss. — Janet Evanovich

One of us should stop her," Ranger said to Morelli, his eyes fixed on me.
"Not going to be me," Morelli said. "Have you ever tried to stop her from doing something she wanted to do?"
"Haven't had much success at it," Ranger said.
Morelli rocked on his heels. "One thing I've learned about Stephanie over the years, she's not good at taking orders."
"Has authority issues," Ranger said.
"And if you piss her off, she'll get even. She ran me over with her father's Buick once and broke my leg."
That got a small smile out of Ranger.
"Nice to see you boys bonding," I said. — Janet Evanovich

We don't usually write up accidents involving rabbits.
- Joe Morelli — Janet Evanovich

THERE ARE SOME MEN who enter a woman's life and screw it up forever. Joseph Morelli did this to me - not forever, but periodically. — Janet Evanovich

He opened two blouse buttons and traced a line along the top of my bra with his fingertip. He bent his head, brushed a kiss across my breast, and slipped his hand inside my bra. I think I might have moaned a little, and I steadied myself by sliding my hand up the inside of his thigh. It turns out that just because I think I could have a future with Morelli doesn't mean I'm entirely immune to Ranger's hotness. — Janet Evanovich

I grew up with Morelli, lost my virginity to him, ran over him with my father's Buick in a fit of justifiable rage, and now years later he's my boyfriend. — Janet Evanovich

Are we fighting?" I asked Morelli. "No. Were discussing." "Are you sure?" "Am I yelling?" Morelli asked. "Is my face purple? Are the cords on my neck standing out? Am I waving my arms around?" "No." "The were not fighting. — Janet Evanovich

Mrs. Morelli opened the door to us and smacked Joe on the side of the head. "Sex fiend. Just like your father, God rest his rotten soul."
Morelli grinned down at his mother. "It's a curse. — Janet Evanovich