Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes & Sayings
Enjoy reading and share 24 famous quotes about Doug Stanhope Funny with everyone.
Top Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes
If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt? — Doug Stanhope
They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point. — Doug Stanhope
Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating. — Doug Stanhope
I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job. — Doug Stanhope
I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair. — Doug Stanhope
You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best ... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y. — Doug Stanhope
I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet. — Doug Stanhope
If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you. — Doug Stanhope
Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do. — Doug Stanhope
What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more. — Doug Stanhope
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist. — Doug Stanhope
Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious! — Doug Stanhope
There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life. — Doug Stanhope
As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces. — Doug Stanhope
All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs ... and more holes, that's what you ladies need! — Doug Stanhope
Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly. — Doug Stanhope
Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny. — Doug Stanhope
The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not. — Doug Stanhope
I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic. — Doug Stanhope
My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny? — Doug Stanhope