Famous Quotes & Sayings

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes & Sayings

Enjoy reading and share 24 famous quotes about Doug Stanhope Funny with everyone.

Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Share on Google+ Pinterest Share on Linkedin

Top Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

I do good things in my life, too. It's just that none of them are funny. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt? — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best ... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious! — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs ... and more holes, that's what you ladies need! — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

The Internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic. — Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Funny Quotes By Doug Stanhope

My first open mic, I drank a full pitcher of beer by myself. I wasn't afraid of being in front of people as much as, Is this funny? — Doug Stanhope