Funny Simon Quotes & Sayings

All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny. — Neil Simon

And I do not have a weird thing with Simon Snow,' Cath said. 'I'm just really active in the fandom.'
'What the f**ck is a fandom'
'You wouldn't understand,' Cath sighed — Rainbow Rowell

What did you do?" Kate asked.
"Nothing. We're inside the wards." Simon laughed and drank the elixir.
She looked around with surprise. "How can you tell? At night? In the snow?"
"That tree." He indicated an ash tree standing amidst other ash trees.
"It looks like a thousand other trees."
"No, it looks like you." Simon took a shallow, pained breath, but smiled. "It's my marker."
Both Kate and Malcolm stared at the tree. Kate cocked her hip. "It looks like me? A tree? That's flattering."
"Yes. See how the curves
" Simon worked his hands in an hourglass shape. "It looks like you. — Clay Griffith

The trouble with improv is that it is often about being funny in the moment without any real consideration for the bigger picture. — Simon Pegg

Mr. Taylor has this habit of emphasizing his point by using three adjectives or verbs in a row. 'Class, you must know,' Simon begins [imitating] in a droning voice, flinging her arms around at every syllable, 'that should you fail to understand, to comprehend, to FEEL the power of the Constitution's words you will lose, forfeit, SURRENDER your ability to master the meaning of this most important document. You must read with an open mind in order to nurture, care for, and FOSTER your citizenship. Do I make myself clear, succinct, and COMPREHENSIBLE? — Randa Abdel-Fattah

Who cares if you have a girlfriend, anyway?"
"I care," Simon said gloomily. "Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor. And he smells like Windex."
"At least you know he's still available."
Simon glared. "Not funny, Fray."
"There's always Sheila 'The Thong' Bararino," Clary suggested.
"That is who Eric's been dating for the past three months," Simon said. "His advice, meanwhile, was that I ought to just decide which girl in school has the most rockin' bod and ask her out."
"Eric is a sexist pig," Clary said. "Maybe you should call your band The Sexist Pigs."
"It has a ring to it. — Cassandra Clare

What? Quinn's one of them? I just thought he was an a*shole! — Simon Holt

At the end of the day I'm writing comedy. If you get too realistic as a comedy writer with your disasters, it stops being funny. — Simon Rich

I take Charb's point, but at some point has Charlie Hebdo been trying to have it both ways because some of what they do is not funny. — Scott Simon

Lusty blacksmiths and naughty princesses. Now that's scary — Simon Holt

Films that rely on their cast to be funny are often episodic and feel like a series of loosely connected sketches rather than a satisfyingly structured script. — Simon Pegg

I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one. — Paul Simon

This was going to be the best cup of tea ever, even if it did look piss weak and oily. He took a gentle sip. Motherfuckers. It was coffee. — Simon Dunn

It was around then that the phone rang. It was my friend Cee Cee, wanting to know if I cared to join her and Adam McTavish at the Coffee Clutch to drink iced tea and talk bad about everyone we know. — Meg Cabot

Ambition is a funny thing. You can completely screw yourself with it if you're not careful. — Simon Le Bon

Did you know, the Alpha bond is a lot like the mate bond. The first twenty-four hours are apparently intense. I took oath from ten wolves today, and I can feel every fucking one of them in my head. And I use the adjective on purpose. You know what the most common response to facing death is?"
Simon let out a little snort.
Aaron's grin was wry. "Yeah, that. And when you consider that one of my wolves is Lucas, I haven't been this horny in about thirty years. — Kaje Harper

Cole, for Christ's sake, will you stop staring at me like I'm beefcake of the month? — Simon Holt

My imagination? No, I don't think it's VIVID at all. On the contrary, it's not nearly potent enough. My poor imaginative faculties have always needed ... extentions. That's why I'm here with you. You're smiling again, or rather you're SMIRKING. Funny word, smirk. Rather like an extraterrestrial surname. Simon Smirk. How do you think that sounds? — Thomas Ligotti

Kate grasped her small handbag and pulled a small blue vial and threw it into the grinding mass. It shattered harmlessly, causing two creatures to pause with a look of confusion.
"What is that potion?" Simon asked.
Kate stared as the two undead things began to shuffle forward again. She glanced into her purse. "Damn it! That was my perfume. — Clay Griffith

You guys are weird," Tori said.
Simon sat on the crate beside me. "That's right. We are totally weird and completely uncool. Your popularity is plummeting just by being near us. — Kelley Armstrong

Goldie Hawn is funny, sexy, beautiful, talented, intelligent, warm, and consistently sunny. Other than that, she doesn't impress me at all. — Neil Simon

Leave America and you'll find that the consumers in many other countries enjoy watching advertising. Not because the products are better, but because the ads are produced to be entertaining. Sometimes they are funny. Sometimes they are dramatic. Sometimes they are just beautiful. — Simon Sinek

Landscapes are culture before they are nature; constructs of the imagination projected onto wood and water and rock. It is ... difficult to think of a single natural system that has not, for better or worse, been substantially modified by human culture. The cultural habits of humanity have always made room for the sacredness of nature. — Simon Schama

I think you inhaled too much lead from those scantron sheets — Simon Holt

The dark prince sat astride his black steed, his sable cape flowing behind him. A golden circlet bound his blond locks, his handsome face was cold with the rage of battle, and ...
"And his arm looked like an eggplant," Clary muttered to herself in exasperation. — Cassandra Clare

Simon gave her a startled look. 'I don't believe I have ever been condescended to by a woman before.' She shrugged. 'It was probably past time. — Julia Quinn

Oh, sod off, I'm calling the Police." Another series of banging on the door. "Open up, Police." That was quick. — Simon Dunn

Magnus raised his hands above his head and clapped once. The room flooded with light. "You see? You think that would be possible without magic?
"Actually," replied Simon, "It is. If you watched infomercials you'd know that. — Cassandra Clare

So it's true what they say about warlocks, then?"
Alec gave him a very unpleasant look. "What's true?"
"Alexander," said Magnus coldly, and Clary met Simon's eyes across the table. Hers were wide, green, and full of an expression that said Uh-oh. "You can't be rude to everyone who talks to me."
Alec made a wide, sweeping gesture. "And why not? Cramping your style, am I? I mean, maybe you were hoping to flirt with werewolf boy here. He's pretty attractive, if you like the messy-haired, broad-shouldered, chiseled-good-looks type."
"Hey, now," said Jordan mildly.
Magnus put his head in his hands.
"Or there are plenty of pretty girls here, since apparently your taste goes both ways, Is there anything you aren't into?"
"Mermaids," said Magnus into his fingers. "They always smell like seaweed."
"It's not funny," Alec said savagely, and kicking back his chair, he got up from the table and stalked off into the crowd. — Cassandra Clare

I've been very luckily - I bought a house, I work, my life's been very blessed. I thought it would be funny to exaggerate the non-working side. — Simon Rex

Isabelle looked dubious. "Mom and Dad won't be pleased if they find out."
"That you freed a possible criminal by trading away your brother to a warlock who looks like a gay Sonic the Hedgehog and dresses like the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Band? Simon inquired. "No, probably not. — Cassandra Clare

I've got the Mark of Cain," said Simon. "That means nothing can kill me, right?"
"You can kill yourself," Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. "As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So if you were planning on teaching yourself the lambada on a greased platform over a pit full of knives, I wouldn't."
"There goes my Saturday. — Cassandra Clare

The funny thing is that Sydney, who worked on the first film [Tron], developed a bike that had an exposed rider, but they couldn't do it because the computers weren't fast enough, so they gave it a roof, which became the iconic one. Ironically what we do now is basically what they envisioned in the first one but couldn't do technically. I mean this a full on homage in every aspect. — Daniel Simon

Keith much preferred cats. A cat wouldn't go mad at a man traversing a wall in the dead of night; it would shrug and lick its arse — Simon Dunn

I find, when you're an optimist, life has a funny way of looking after you. — Simon Sinek

Backup?" Tori said. "You mean he didn't need that?"
"Apparently not," I murmured.
Simon looked from her to me, confused, then understanding. "You guys thought ... "
"That if you didn't get your medicine in the next twenty-four hours, you'd be dead?" I said. "Not exactly, but close. You know, the old 'upping the ante with a fatal disease that needs medication' twist. Apparently, it still works."
"Kind of a letdown, then, huh?"
"No kidding. Here we were, expecting to find you minutes from death. Look at you, not even gasping."
"All right, then. Emergency medical situation, take two."
He leaped to his feet, staggered, keeled over, then lifted his head weakly.
"Chloe? Is that you?" He coughed. "Do you have my insulin?"
I placed it in his outstretched hand.
"You saved my life," he said. "How can I ever repay you?"
"Undying servitude sounds good. I like my eggs scrambled."
He held up a piece of fruit. "Would you settle for a bruised apple? — Kelley Armstrong

It was safe to assume he'd not only read the play but then re-read it, cross-referenced the annotations, and probably joined an online chat group called Buds of the Bard or something equally nerdy — Simon Holt

Is this Clarissa Fray?" The voice on the other end of the phone sounded familiar, though not immediately identifiable.
Clary twirled the phone cord nervously around her finger. "Yeees?"
"Hi, I'm one of the knife-carrying hooligans you met last night in Pandemonium? I"m afraid I made a bad impression and was hoping you'd give me a chance to make it up to-"
"SIMON!" Clary held the phone away from her ear as he cracked up laughing. "That is so not funny!"
"Sure it is. You just don't see the humor."
"Jerk." Clary sighed, leaning up against the wall. — Cassandra Clare

I was beginning to think that Simon just had a bad case of OCD, ADD, and PMS. With a little BS and OMG mixed in. — Dannika Dark

Self-doubt is a persuasive mistress; careful not to shag her or you'll never get your balls back. - Simon Hunt — Dannika Dark

Diana Rigg is built like a brick mausoleum with insufficient flying buttresses. — John Simon

I never arrive unannounced without something big and juicy in hand.
- Simon Hunt — Dannika Dark

Fascinating," I said, turning toward Ian. "You never told me Simon went to Oxford."
"Simon went to Oxford, Sophie. — Fisher Amelie

And so that means ... "
"We have to rob the Henley," Simon said.
Kat sank onto a truly uncomfortable sofa. "Again. — Ally Carter

Simon didn't think Meg really wanted to know how to eviscerate a rabbit. He could be wrong about that, but he just couldn't picture Meg pouncing on a bunny and ripping it open with her teeth.
Maybe if he tried harder to picture it? — Anne Bishop

Paul is a liar, he said so. (Romans 3:7.) — Simon Ewins

JASON: 'Intended wings.' How depressing.
MICHAEL: Yes. Makes them into suicides, really, the pigeons.
JASON: No - no, it doesn't. It could mean the wings were 'intended' to carry them upwards, out of the darkness, but they were defective in some way, these wings, so the pigeons aren't suicidal, not at all, just badly equipped for flying. Like the rest of us. — Simon Gray

Jace's clothes had been clean,stylish,ordinary. Sebastian had been wearing a long black wool trench coat that had looked expensive.
Like an evil Burbeery ad, Simon said when she was done. — Cassandra Clare

My sisters call him Slinky Simon.'
Alec chuckled.
'It's only funny if he's not your cousin.'
'It's funny because it's true. — Julia Quinn

Rory is very established in England, which you are seeing right now with Bond. But his father Roy Kinnear was a very, very beloved comedy actor here in the UK. And Rory actually even looks a bit like his dad. And so it makes a lot of sense to me that Rory has such good comic chops because it's in his blood. He's very, very funny as Sean. — Simon Pegg

He was fucking with us pretty hard in the saferoom," Sandra called from the front of the plane's undercarriage.
"Aw, Sandy, that wasn't fucking," Simon said. "That was just, I don't know, really obnoxious foreplay or something. — M. Chandler

Giggler, I think I hate you most of all. — Alice Clayton

I'm glad you think this is funny."
"You're not happy to see me, then?" Jace asked. "I have to say, I'm surprised. I've always been told my presence brightened up any room. One might think that went doubly for dank underground cells. — Cassandra Clare

If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I'll let you know. " Simon never had much patience with Jace. "Look, did you ask me to come all the way uptown just so you could stare at me like I was something in a petri dish? Next time I'll send you a photo. " "And I'll frame it and put it on my nightstand, " said Jace sarcastically. — Cassandra Clare

Charlotte." Kate attempted to distract the child from her endless questions and held up the glass tube. "This is wulfsyl. I can't be sure it's correct."
The girl looked at Kate with excitement, then asked hopefully, "Will it stop me from eating someone?"
Kate looked uncomfortable. "We believe that if you take it now, you will n ever have to eat someone."
"But what if I do?"
"Eat Malcolm," Simon suggested. — Clay Griffith