Famous Quotes & Sayings

The Funny Quotes & Sayings

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The Funny Quotes By John Green

You will not kill my girlfriend today, International Terrorists of Ambiguous Nationality! — John Green

The Funny Quotes By Mrs. Patrick Campbell

Mrs. Campbell once attempted to smuggle her pet Pekingese through customs by tucking him inside the upper part of her cape. "Everything was going splendidly," she later remarked, "until my bosom barked." — Mrs. Patrick Campbell

The Funny Quotes By Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. — Henny Youngman

The Funny Quotes By Jim Benton

I can't imagine the scientists wanting me to walk into the lab and start fiddling around with some big bowl of electrons they had out. — Jim Benton

The Funny Quotes By Karen MacInerney

I have a secret. A big, fat, hairy secret. And I'm not talking minor-league stuff, like I once let Joseph Applebaum feel me up behind the seventh-grade stairwell or I got a Brazilian wax after work last Friday or I'm hiding a neon blue vibrator called the Electric Slide in my night table. Which I'm not, by the way. In case you were wondering. — Karen MacInerney

The Funny Quotes By Sarah Rees Brennan

At the point when Jared relayed Ash's habit of hiding his cuddly toys in the freezer, Kami started to laugh in the movie theater. Ash glanced over at her. "Sorry," Kami murmured. "Just - the movie's funny." Ash looked back at the movie, in which a small blond child was dying of leukemia. "I have a very warped sense of humor," Kami whispered. — Sarah Rees Brennan

The Funny Quotes By Tommy Cooper

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before. — Tommy Cooper

The Funny Quotes By Robert A. Heinlein

The coldest depth of Hell is reserved for people who abandon kittens. — Robert A. Heinlein

The Funny Quotes By Tera Lynn Childs

Monsters have the worst taste in women. — Tera Lynn Childs

The Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want ... — Kristen Schaal

The Funny Quotes By Rick Riordan

Grover was an easy target. He was scrawny. He cried when he got frustrated. He must've been held back several grades, because he was the only sixth grader with acne and the start of a wispy beard on his chin. On top of all that, he was crippled. He had a note excusing him from PE for the rest of his life because he had some kind of muscular disease in his legs. He walked funny, like every step hurt him, but don't let that fool you. You should've seen him run when it was enchilada day in the cafeteria. — Rick Riordan

The Funny Quotes By Zach Galifianakis

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name
and you've never been to that bar before. — Zach Galifianakis

The Funny Quotes By Maggie Stiefvater

From Ronan's room, he heard Noah's laugh. He and Ronan were throwing various objects from the second-story window to the parking low below. There was a terrific crash.
Ronan's voice rose, exasperated. Not that one, Noah. — Maggie Stiefvater

The Funny Quotes By Dianna Agron

What I fell in love with as a child was 'My Fair Lady,' 'Funny Face,' 'American in Paris,' and 'Singin' in the Rain.' Just perfect movies to me and I was dancing. I started ballet when I was three. And I fell in love with those movies and fell in love with Audrey Hepburn and Leslie Caron. — Dianna Agron

The Funny Quotes By Louise Welsh

It's always struck me as funny that guys with scars get a reputation for being hard. It's the ones that cut them you should be looking out for, right? — Louise Welsh

The Funny Quotes By Julian Mitchell

Freud is all nonsense; the secret of neurosis is to be found in the family battle of wills to see who can refuse the longest to help with the dishes. — Julian Mitchell

The Funny Quotes By Mitch Hedberg

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock." — Mitch Hedberg

The Funny Quotes By Alex Gabriel

The West Sister Dating Rules were clear on the matter of apologies. On the evolutionary scale of dating, a guy who apologized solely for the sake of ending the argument and getting back into your good graces was on the level of primeval slime - especially if he was clearly doing so merely because he was hoping for sex. The proper response was to unveil the offender's deceit by demanding he explain what exactly he was apologizing for, and then scorn him when he betrayed his ignorance. — Alex Gabriel

The Funny Quotes By Jerry Coleman

The ballgame is over ... in this inning. — Jerry Coleman

The Funny Quotes By Rick Riordan

She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades's gym shorts. — Rick Riordan

The Funny Quotes By Jesse Ball

I hate when I break my own rules. What's the point of me being rational if I flail around like a clown? — Jesse Ball

The Funny Quotes By Sam Ewing

An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame. — Sam Ewing

The Funny Quotes By Heather Cocks

I hung up the phone and tapped it lightly against my chin, then wrapped myself tighter in my giant woolen cardigan and poured another glass of boxed wine - the official drink of emotionally confused women on a budget. — Heather Cocks

The Funny Quotes By Maggie Shayne

Then, almost as an afterthought, she turned and locked the bathroom door. If he thought he was going to seduce her, make her stupid enough to believe his lies by getting her into bed, he'd better think again. She stepped into the water. Besides, women didn't lose brain cells at the thought of sex. Only men did. — Maggie Shayne

The Funny Quotes By Jane Harvey-Berrick

Now that's a sight for sore eyes, Sebastian. Maybe I should just leave you here: the hotel maids might appreciate that. Or, better still, maybe I'll take a photograph of you on my phone. Dont worry, I wont post it on the internet, it'll just be my screen saver. — Jane Harvey-Berrick

The Funny Quotes By Bob Feller

You figure they cheat at the ballpark, they'll cheat on the golf course, they'll cheat in business, and anything else in life. Players may laugh about it and say it's funny, but right down in their heart, they don't think it's funny at all, and they have no respect for a person who cheats. — Bob Feller

The Funny Quotes By Derek Landy

The Doctor put his finger to his lips and Martha nodded and followed him as quietly as she could. Wet leaves squelched under her feet. There was movement up ahead: two teenagers, a pale boy and a nervous girl, walked into a clearing. The sun broke through the clouds and the boy started to sparkle.
Martha felt the Doctor's eyes on her and she blushed. 'Do not judge me.'
'Judging is for later,' he said, and they continued on, giving the young lovers a wide berth. — Derek Landy

The Funny Quotes By John Duover

He had to witness how a ginger German with a v-neck that almost went as low as his navel drew all the attention to himself. — John Duover

The Funny Quotes By Gideon Defoe

Don't look so worried. I've sailed the seven seas, and I've never had an unsuccessful adventure yet!"
"Really? You've sailed all seven seas?" asked Darwin admiringly.
"Every last one!"
"What are the seven seas? I've always wondered."
"Aaarrr. Well, let's see ... " said the Pirate Captain, scratching his craggy forehead. "There's the North Sea. And that other one, the one near Mozambique. And ... what's that one in Hyde Park?"
"The Serpentine?"
"That's the one. How many's that then? Three. Um. There's the sea with all the rocks in it ... I think they call it Sea Number Four. Then that would leave ... uh ... Grumpy and Sneezy ... "
Darwin was starting to look a little less impressed.
"Would you look at that big seagull!" said the Pirate Captain, quickly ducking into a beach hut. — Gideon Defoe

The Funny Quotes By Ellen DeGeneres

I don't understand the sizes anymore. There's a size zero, which I didn't even know that they had. It must stand for: 'Ohhh my God, you're thin.' — Ellen DeGeneres

The Funny Quotes By J.R. Ward

From out of nowhere, she had an image of some poor human in a FedEx Office branch getting an eyeful and a half of the mostly naked fallen angel.
Without warning, she started to laugh so hard, tears came to her eyes. The good kind of tears, that was.
And as she gave herself up to the angel's ridiculousness, Lass just say there on the couch, staring up at "Melrose Place", a sly, quiet smile on his beautiful, deranged face.
What an angel he was, she thought to herself. A total angel. — J.R. Ward

The Funny Quotes By Darynda Jones

I could've knocked the shit out of her .She'd have good reason to roll her eyes then. But knocking the shit out of rude people wasn't my style. Heckling them every chance I got was.
Hopefully she'd screw up soon. I didn't have all day. — Darynda Jones

The Funny Quotes By Kat Falls

Give yourself some credit," he went on, "not a lot of silkies would have made it this far."
"I stopped you from killing Chorda," (...)
"Hey, come one," Rafe said. "It's your first time in the Feral Zone. Of course you made mistakes."
"Like falling for the wrong boy?" I'd said it to be funny, since he was always teasing me about Everson, but Rafe grew still.
He turned his gaze on the dark skyline. "No, you didn't. He's a stiff, but he's a good guy, he won't crawl out of your window after you fall asleep or come on to your sister."
"I don't have a sister."
"Missing the point. — Kat Falls

The Funny Quotes By Victor Borge

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded? — Victor Borge

The Funny Quotes By Mitchell Hurwitz

I always feel funny when I don't reveal things, especially to you [the press], who have supported us so much and are really the big reason we're here. But, we hold back information about the plot because we want to reward the fans for sticking with us, and that's so much fun. That's the funnest part of it. — Mitchell Hurwitz

The Funny Quotes By Si Robertson

Si, the speed limit sign said 35. Your Goin' 55." -Sadie Robertson
"Oh, that's just a suggestion. — Si Robertson

The Funny Quotes By Ken Follett

Such disappointments, betrayals and reconciliations were the stuff of married life, but she and Jack had gone through them before the wedding. Now, at least, she felt confident that she knew him. Nothing was likely to surprise her. It was a funny way to do things, but it might be better than making your vows first and getting to know your spouse afterward. — Ken Follett

The Funny Quotes By Kevin Meaney

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and ask her for money. — Kevin Meaney

The Funny Quotes By Hugh Howey

I remind myself that if there was anything in the air that would react with my body, it would've reacted with the scanner. What I really want right now is a second scanner to scan this scanner. — Hugh Howey

The Funny Quotes By Nicola Marsh

All pomp and show." Anjali's glare at the house would've exploded bricks if she'd had superhuman powers. "A fat cow needs a big barn. — Nicola Marsh

The Funny Quotes By Steve Pavlina

It's funny that when people reach a certain age, such as after graduating college, they assume it's time to go out and get a job. But like many things the masses do, just because everyone does it doesn't mean it's a good idea. — Steve Pavlina

The Funny Quotes By David Foster Wallace

When they were introduced, he made a witticism, hoping to be liked. She laughed extremely hard, hoping to be liked. Then each drove home alone, staring straight ahead, with the very same twist to their faces.
The man who'd introduced them didn't much like either of them, though he acted as if he did, anxious as he was to preserve good relations at all times. One never knew, after all, now did one now did one now did one. — David Foster Wallace

The Funny Quotes By David Mitchell

Contrary to popular wisdom, bullies are rarely cowards.
Bullies come in various shapes and sizes. Observe yours. Gather intelligence.
Shunning one hopeless battle is not an act of cowardice.
Hankering for security or popularity makes you weak and vulnerable.
Which is worse: Scorn earned by informers? Misery endured by victims?
The brutal May have been molded by a brutality you cannot exceed.
Let guile be your ally.
Respect earned by integrity cannot be lost without your consent.
Don't laugh at what you don't find funny.
Don't support an opinion you don't hold.
The independent befriend the independent.
Adolescence dies in its fourth year. You live to be eighty. — David Mitchell

The Funny Quotes By Mitch Hedberg

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!" — Mitch Hedberg

The Funny Quotes By Jason Mitchell

I already have two movies in the can, low-key, which are 'Vincent-N-Roxxy' and 'Keanu' with Key and Peele, which is my first comedy, and it's going to be super dope, definitely funny. They're so great, and they've been such life coaches to me. — Jason Mitchell

The Funny Quotes By Charles Nelson Reilly

The thing that's funny is that everyone thinks I'm dead. — Charles Nelson Reilly

The Funny Quotes By Christine Quinn

My favorite app is 'StumbleUpon,' because it just gives you interesting things that are sometimes exactly the stuff I'm interested in and sometimes just silly and funny. — Christine Quinn

The Funny Quotes By Lemony Snicket

Well, Nero," Genghis said, "I just wanted to give you this rose-a small gift of congratulations for the wonderful concert you gave us last night!"
"Oh, thank you," Nero said, taking the rose out of Genghis's hand and giving it a good smell. "I was wonderful, wasn't I?"
"You were perfection!" Genghis said. "The first time you played your sonata, I was deeply moved. The second time, I had tears in my eyes. The third time, I was sobbing. The fourth time, I had an uncontrollable emotional attack. The fifth time-" The Baudelaires did not hear about the fifth time because Nero's door swung shut behind them. — Lemony Snicket

The Funny Quotes By Priyanka Naik

Memories are weird. They never really leave you alone, no matter how much you try, and the funny part is--the more you try, the more they haunt you. The more you want to run away, the faster they seem to catch up, and then there comes a time when you are convinced that you have finally managed to leave them behind and move on. You rejoice. You celebrate. You have exorcised the ghosts of the past--you feel liberated, UNTIL one fine day, some old memory creeps up slowly from behind and taps you on your shoulder just to say "Hi. How's it going so far?". That is when everything comes rushing in, and you realize that maybe, just maybe, it had never really gone away. — Priyanka Naik

The Funny Quotes By Markus Zusak

As always, she was carrying the washing. Rudy was carrying two buckets of cold water, or as he put it, two buckets of future ice. — Markus Zusak

The Funny Quotes By Mark Dunn

Instead of the calendrical terms Monday, Tuesday and so forth, we cheerfully offer the following surrogates. Use them freely and often, for their use honors us all. For Sunday, please use Sunshine. For Monday. pleasy use Monty. For Tuesday, please use Toes. For Wednesday, please use Wetty. For Thursday, please use Thurby. For Friday, please use Fribs. For Saturday, please use Satto-gatto. — Mark Dunn

The Funny Quotes By John McPhee

When D's cabin caught fire, D was out of the country. Half the town-Christians and drinkers alike-came out to fight the fire and loot the cabin. There were individual piles of loot, and fights over the piles. "That's my pile." "The hell it is, it's mine. — John McPhee

The Funny Quotes By Shannon L. Alder

Often the inspiration to write music comes from the voices in your head. You're not crazy. Just be thankful they are not making you rescue people in 20-degree weather at 2:30 in the morning in the forest. — Shannon L. Alder

The Funny Quotes By Anthony Burgess

It's funny how the colors of the real world only seem really real when you watch them on a screen. — Anthony Burgess

The Funny Quotes By Frankie Boyle

They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up! — Frankie Boyle

The Funny Quotes By Dan Ariely

One fall day in Boston, a tall mechanical engineering student named Joe entered the student union at Harvard University. He was all ambition and acne — Dan Ariely

The Funny Quotes By Maria V. Snyder

The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet. — Maria V. Snyder

The Funny Quotes By Bill Watterson

It's a funny world, Hobbes."
"True."
"But it's not a hilarious world. ... unless you like sick humour."
"The world is probably funnier to people who don't live here. — Bill Watterson

The Funny Quotes By Rachel Caine

Well," he said, "I think we've found our way in. We just wait until they're duking it out, but trust me, these Humans First types don't have a lot of staying power or they'd have been at the gym with me before. I doubt Grandma Kent there is going to do a lot of damage." He pointed at a gray-haired, hunched lady in a shawl, carrying what looked liked a gardening tool. "It's like Plants Versus Zombies, and I'm not rooting for the zombies, weirdly enough. — Rachel Caine

The Funny Quotes By Grace Paley

I saw my ex-husband in the street. I was sitting on the steps of the new library.
Hello, my life, I said. We had once been married for twenty-seven years, so I felt justified.
He said, What? What life? No life of mine. — Grace Paley

The Funny Quotes By C. Alexander London

Hey, Eriele?" he said. "You know what's funny?... You're so busy yelling at Ian," Dan said, "you didn't notice our altitude. Time to change the gas mixture. — C. Alexander London

The Funny Quotes By Dominique Frost

Okay. Oh-kay.
Re-cap. He just had a man come in his mouth. He liked it. He may be embarking on anal sex, soon, if he was reading the subtext right.
Options: stay or leave.
Pros of staying: first experience with anal sex.
Cons of staying: first experience with anal sex.
No, no. That isn't right.
Pros of staying: first experience with anal sex.
Cons of staying: not being able to face Pete the next day. Maybe ever.
The thing about sex, though, as Ryan is discovering, is that it's a goddamn persuasive motivator. It fucks with people's minds. — Dominique Frost

The Funny Quotes By Robert Louis Stevenson

If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police. — Robert Louis Stevenson

The Funny Quotes By Terry Pratchett

Might have just been an innocent bystander, sir,' said Carrot
'What, in Ankh-Morpork?'
'Yes, sir.'
'We should have grabbed him, then, just for the rarity value — Terry Pratchett

The Funny Quotes By Alan Vega

That's something - you laugh about Eminem ... It's funny, man, because I didn't like him when he first came out, ya know. It seemed like a big joke. But I think the guy's for real, and I like his lyrics! — Alan Vega

The Funny Quotes By Henry Miller

The other night I took her on-out of pity-and what do you think the crazy bitch had done to herself? She had shaved it clean ... not a speck of hair on it. Did you ever have a woman who shaved her twat? It's repulsive, ain't it? And it's funny, too. Sort of mad like. It doesn't look like a twat any more: it's like a dead clam or something." He describes to me how, his curiosity aroused, he got out of bed and searched for his flashlight. "I made her hold it open and I trained the flashlight on it. You should have seen me ... it was comical. I got so worked up about it that I forgot all about her. I never in my life looked at a cunt so seriously. — Henry Miller

The Funny Quotes By Annalee Newitz

Amphibians are dying out like crazy, and frogs and salamanders may be largely extinct by the end of the twenty-first century. Imagine an animal that begins its life in the water, but ends it on land - already, that's pretty weird. But, also, a lot of them are incredibly tiny and look wildly improbable. They have funny little toes, they stretch their throats into weird bubble shapes when they croak, and some of them are poisonous to the touch. I think kids from the twenty-second century might mythologize amphibians the way kids today mythologize dinosaurs. — Annalee Newitz

The Funny Quotes By Murray Walker

The tires are called wets, because they're used in the wet. And these tires are called slicks, because they're very slick. — Murray Walker

The Funny Quotes By Christian Louboutin

I was born in Paris in the mid-1960s, and by the time I was 12 I had started going to the movies by myself. Most of the movies of that period never appealed to me. I didn't like the 'naturalism,' the sad or the 'down-to-earth' characters. What I wanted from film was fantasy, dreams, funny situations, extravagant decor - and beautiful women. — Christian Louboutin

The Funny Quotes By Christopher Lombardo

With apologies to Judy Garland and Cole Porter, all the world does NOT love a clown. John Wayne Gacy might have been the final nail in the coffin in terms of anyone associating clowns with funny (if a bunch of clowns die, do they all fit into one coffin?) — Christopher Lombardo

The Funny Quotes By Laura Bell Bundy

There's lots of sides. The CD doesn't really create a mood. It creates more of a journey. It starts out with a simple bluegrass tune, sort of melancholy and sad, like "Lovin' and Lyin'," then it's sexy and there's some funny songs in there where I'm talking, like "Designated Drunk." There's a humor side, a sexy side, but there's also a pretty sad side, the country side. It's the backwards side of me! — Laura Bell Bundy

The Funny Quotes By Oprah Winfrey

This past Thanksgiving, my father was at the farm, and I had all 11 dogs in the house with a father who never allowed dogs in the house. And he got up to leave the table and came back and Solomon was in his chair. And he says, "This dog is in my chair." And I said, "It's the other way around, you're sitting in his chair." — Oprah Winfrey

The Funny Quotes By James Patterson

I don't get a chance to be funny with the thrillers. I like to be funny, and I think I am really funny. So with 'Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life', it was fun to let loose. — James Patterson

The Funny Quotes By Stephen King

Laughter, Susannah would later reflect, is like a hurricane: once it reaches a certain point, it becomes self-feeding, self-supporting. You laugh not because the jokes are funny but because your own condition is funny. — Stephen King

The Funny Quotes By John Sandford

If I get killed, put my boots back on me. — John Sandford

The Funny Quotes By Julia Stiles

I kind of don't believe in actors directing themselves. Obviously some people have done it well, but I don't see how I could. It's funny that you ask, because I've just been thinking that maybe I'd rather direct The Bell Jar than act in it. It's a huge leap to go from a short to a feature, so I'm tentative - I'm like, Well, that's just so triple-type-A personality of you. — Julia Stiles

The Funny Quotes By Hillary Rodham Clinton

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president. — Hillary Rodham Clinton

The Funny Quotes By Seann William Scott

The surprising thing is that I was not funny in high school. I was always jealous of the funny kids because they always got the girls. I couldn't tell a joke to save my life. — Seann William Scott

The Funny Quotes By Rodney Dangerfield

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back — Rodney Dangerfield

The Funny Quotes By Tyler Joseph

It's a funny thing. I'll be in my home town of Columbus at a restaurant or something, and the waiter maybe asks, 'What do you do?' and I say, 'Oh, I'm in a band ... Twenty One Pilots,' and he'll say, 'Cool, I'll check it out. I never heard of them.' And then I say, 'In September we're playing the Schottenstein Center,' and it's like, 'What?!' — Tyler Joseph

The Funny Quotes By Richelle Mead

Our lips met hungrily, and his clever artistic hands wrapped around my hips. A sudden buzz from my regular cell phone startled me from the kissing.
"Don't," said Adrian, his eyes ablaze and breathing ragged.
"What if there's a crisis at school?" I asked. "What if Angeline 'accidentally' stole one of the campus buses and drove it into the library?"
"Why would she do that?"
"Are you saying she wouldn't?"
He sighed. "Go check it. — Richelle Mead

The Funny Quotes By Ron Pickering

Mary Decker Slaney, the world greatest front runner, I shouldn't be surprised to see her at the front — Ron Pickering

The Funny Quotes By Tom Robbins

Funny how we think of romance as always involving two, when the romance of solitude can be ever so much more delicious and intense. — Tom Robbins

The Funny Quotes By Sarah Rees Brennan

They carried on sniping in the front seat, and Mae turned back to Jamie. "You doing okay?" she murmured. "Yes," said Jamie, a bit too earnestly. "I love you, Mae. Your hair is the color of flamingos! And I love Nick as well." He gazed soulfully in Nick's direction. "Sometimes when you are not being psychotic, you are quite funny. And you!" He regarded Seb for a long moment. "No, I still don't like you," he decided. "Maybe I need another drink." "I don't think so," Nick said. — Sarah Rees Brennan

The Funny Quotes By Libba Bray

Will looked at Evie funny. "Advertising?"
"Yes. You've heard of it, haven't you? Swell modern invention. It lets people know about something they need. Soap, lipstick, radios - or your museum, for instance. We could start with a catchy slogan, like, 'The Museum of American Folklore, Superstition, and the Occult - we've got the spirit! — Libba Bray

The Funny Quotes By Lewis Carroll

What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning
and a child's more imporant than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands. — Lewis Carroll

The Funny Quotes By Stephen Helmes

What your mind sees when you close your eyes marks the entrance to an endless universe: your imagination. — Stephen Helmes

The Funny Quotes By Amy Summers

I had a dream about you last night ... you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs. — Amy Summers

The Funny Quotes By Andria Large

Half an hour into the movie, Margot started giggling, but it wasn't a funny part or anything. When Quinn looked over at her, she was covering her mouth and nose with one hand while waving the other in front of her. He couldn't hide his shock. No fucking way!
"Margot! You did not just fart!" Quinn exclaimed. He was absolutely dumbfounded. No woman has ever farted in front of him, not even his mom.
"I am sorry!" She laughed. "You would have never known if it did not smell!"
Quinn burst out laughing. He caught a whiff and laughed harder as he clapped a hand over his nose. It wasn't that bad, but he decided to play along. He was laughing so hard that he had tears running down his face. He couldn't remember the last time he laughed until he cried. Margot too was laughing so hard that she had tears running down her face. She gave him a playful shove, which only made it harder for him to breathe. — Andria Large

The Funny Quotes By Anthony Jeselnik

The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you have it or you don't. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about. — Anthony Jeselnik

The Funny Quotes By Gabrielle Zevin

It was funny how dad was more honest in a book that anyone in the world could pick up and read than he could be talking to me. Or maybe it was sad. One or the other. Sometimes it's hard to tell. — Gabrielle Zevin

The Funny Quotes By Carol Petrie

The dog growled again, long and ferocious. The hair on my neck tingled.
And just when I knew he would attack, a horrible scream split the air, and Darlene passed out and fell over on her side. — Carol Petrie

The Funny Quotes By Tarryn Fisher

Le Tub is a Miami oceanside restaurant that uses old bath tubs and toilets as decoration. If you're really lucky, you get a table by the water where you can see the manatees as they swim by. Someone once told me that it was one of Oprah's favorite restaurants, but seriously, Oprah has a lot of favorite things--it all sounds like lies at this point. — Tarryn Fisher

The Funny Quotes By Ned Vizzini

And I mouth into the phone, I love you, in case some of her cells pick up on the vibrations and it serves me well in the next life. If there is one. If there is a next life, I hope it's in the past; I don't think the future will be any more handleable. — Ned Vizzini

The Funny Quotes By George Saunders

I loved Monty Python for the wordplay
this sense that you didn't have to squash your intelligence to be funny. In fact, you could walk right into your intelligence and nerdiness and self-doubt, and that could be funny. — George Saunders

The Funny Quotes By Christopher Andersen

Daddy," said the toddler, now seething with righteous indignation, "you are a poo-poo head!"
Feigning outrage, JFK lowered his voice. "John," he said, "no one calls the President of the United States a poo-poo head. — Christopher Andersen

The Funny Quotes By Mary Calmes

What is he like?"
"Logan?"

"He is the kind of man you pray to be able to serve - he's like a great king from olden times."

"Who always does what's right," Andrian chimed in.

"Yes," Artem agreed. "He can always be counted on to make the best choice."

"And he normally does it, except where you're concerned." Crane cackled. "With you, he has no idea what the hell he's doing. — Mary Calmes

The Funny Quotes By Henry Rollins

We Americans look funny when we're in France because we don't travel, we are fairly un-cultured whereas Europeans go to Africa all the time because it's right there. — Henry Rollins

The Funny Quotes By Sarah Moore Fitzgerald

The truth a fairly important thing to hold on to when you've been pulled out of the sea after wanting to drown in it. I could've let the sea take me. I could easily be dead now, which is funny when you think of it. When I say funny, what I actually mean is weird and kind of disturbing.
When there's the loud sound of a siren screaming in your head it doesn't take too long before a feeling of not caring what happens washed over you and you become recklessly self- destructive. I used to be full of energy and happiness but I could barely remember those kinds of feelings. The cheerful, childish things I used to think had been replaced. A whole load of new realisations had begun to grow inside me like tangled weeds, and they were starting to kill me. That's why I'd make the decision that involved heading ogg to the pier on my pike in the middle of the night and cycling off it. — Sarah Moore Fitzgerald

The Funny Quotes By Jay Leno

Comedy is the only profession where love from a stranger is better than love from a family member. You need to perform for strangers to see if you're really funny. If they laugh and cheer, it's the greatest thing in the world. — Jay Leno