Richard Armour Quotes & Sayings

There are very few humorists who have written first-rate humor after they've become elderly. — Richard Armour

Children are supposed to help hold a marriage together. They do this in a number of ways. For instance, they demand so much attention that a husband and wife, concentrating on their children, fail to notice each other's faults. — Richard Armour

It is possible that librarians will be robots, controlled by Master Minds having mastery of a master computer at the Library of Congress.
Or there will be no libraries and librarians, flesh-and-blood or otherwise. The onetime library patron will press a button and turn a dial on his TV, whereupon the requested book, in the desired language, will appear on the screen, the pages turning at the designated speed. — Richard Armour

The author apologizes for being unable to afford a ghost writer, which explains the lack of a distinctive prose style. — Richard Armour

My day-old son is plenty scrawny, his mouth is wide with screams, or yawny; His ears seem larger than he's needing, His nose is flat, his chin's receding. His skin is very, very red, He has no hair upon his head, And yet I'm proud as proud can be, To hear you say he looks like me. — Richard Armour

Book burning is a charming old custom, hallowed by antiquity. It has been practiced for centuries by fascists, communists, atheists, school children, rival authors, and tired librarians. Like everything of importance since the invention of the cloak and the shroud, its origins are cloaked in mystery and shrouded in secrecy. Some scholars believe that the first instance of book burning occurred in the Middle Ages, when a monk was trying to illuminate a manuscript. All agree that book burning was almost non-existent during the period when books were made of stone. — Richard Armour

Politics, it seems to me, for years, or all too long, has been concerned with right or left instead of right or wrong. — Richard Armour

Almost nothing is known about Homer, which explains why so much has been written about him. — Richard Armour

(Francis) Bacon's best known writings are his essays. They are loved for many reasons, such as their being so short. — Richard Armour

It's all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it now and then. — Richard Armour

[Beowolf] is considered an epic because of its long speeches, its digressions, its repetition, and its being required. — Richard Armour

Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world. — Richard Armour

Retired is being tired twice, I've thought, first tired of working, then tired of not. — Richard Armour

William Shakespeare ... was baptized on April 26, 1564. When he was born is disputed, but anyone who argues that it was after this date is just being difficult. — Richard Armour

I miss my mattress when I am gone; It's one thing I've made an impression on. — Richard Armour

"Do you want my honest opinion?" People ask. I say, "Yes," for I'm curious. So they give me their honest opinion, And I - well, I'm always furious. — Richard Armour

Beauty is only skin deep, and the world is full of thin skinned people. — Richard Armour

Although practice swings Can be helpful things, Twere better, indeed, not take any Than to fiddle and fret And before playing get Exhausted from taking too many. — Richard Armour

You would do well to turn from Chapter XXXVI to Chapter CXXXIII without further delay, thus saving nearly a hundred chapters without anybody's knowing the difference if you keep quiet. After all, Ahab isn't the only one entitled to be a skipper. — Richard Armour

If only I kept my eye on the ball, Looking downward as does the pro there, I might not see where it was going, at all, But there might be a chance it would go there. — Richard Armour

They head the list of bad to bet on: But I insist they're worse to get on — Richard Armour

Some golfers blast their ball from traps, With one adroit explosion, But others, out in ten perhaps, Depend upon erosion. — Richard Armour

There is no balm of Gilead, No salve, no soothing ointment To stay the pain of one who's had In love a disappointment
Unless it be that healing lotion Of fixing on a new devotion. — Richard Armour

In such novels as This Side of Paradise and The Great Gatsby, Fitzgerald depicts the spirit of the hour which is usually about 4 a.m. His suave young men, always commuting between Princeton and The Plaza in Stutz Bearcats never sat still for long. It was too uncomfortable, with a large flask in the hip pocket. — Richard Armour

G is for Green, that's constructed to roll in every direction away from the hole. — Richard Armour

The bride, white of hair, is stooped over her cane Her faltering footsteps need guiding. While down the church aisle, with wan toothless smile, The groom in a wheelchair comes riding. And who is this elderly couple you ask? You'll find, when you've closely explored it, That here is that rare, most conservative pair, Who waited 'til they could afford it. — Richard Armour

This golfer has a wicked slice. And quite a follow-through. That's why his partner, who stood too close, Is on the green in two. — Richard Armour

The great improvement of the radio over the telephone is that it may be turned off without offending the speaker. — Richard Armour

Each year it grows harder to make ends meet - the ends I refer to are hands and feet. — Richard Armour

If we cannot define stupidity, at least we can trace most human misfortunes and weaknesses to it. Its manifestations are legion, its symptoms are endless. — Richard Armour

Here is where people,
One frequently finds,
Lower their voices
And raise their minds.
— Richard Armour

Scott calls Bois-Guilbert "an unprincipled voluptuary," which is hard to improve on. — Richard Armour

Of late I appear To have reached that stage When people who look old Who are only my age. — Richard Armour

A rumor is one thing that gets thicker instead of thinner as it is spread. — Richard Armour

Shake and shake the catsup bottle. None will come, and then a lot'll. — Richard Armour

Shakespeare, who never could think up a plot by himself, found this one [Macbeth] in Holinshed's Chronicles, changing it just enough so that no one would recognize the source. He didn't count on the resourcefulness of modern scholars, who have to discover things like this to become associate professors. — Richard Armour

Some libraries are no longer called libraries but are known as Learning Resource Centers or Media Centers. Librarians, however, are still generally known as librarians and not yet as Learning Resourcists or Media Centerists, though this may be only a matter of time. — Richard Armour

Middle -age is the time of life, that a man first notices - in his wife. — Richard Armour

I love a finished speaker, I really, truly do I don't mean one who's polished, I just mean one who's through. — Richard Armour

That money talks, I'll not deny, I heard it once: it said, 'goodbye — Richard Armour

[John Foster Dulles] invented Brinkmanship, the most popular game since Monopoly. — Richard Armour

The hand is quicker than the eye is,
but somewhat slower than the fly is. — Richard Armour

There is some consolation in the fact that, even though your dreams don't come true, neither do your nightmares. — Richard Armour

Some people can carry a tune, but they seem to stagger under the load. — Richard Armour

If I ever make a hole in one, A thrill that I've never known, I won't be believed and I'll have no fun, For I'm sure to be playing alone. — Richard Armour

Rockefeller made his money in oil, which he discovered at the bottom of wells. Oil was considered crude in those days, but so was Rockefeller. Now both are considered quite refined. — Richard Armour

I've suffered from all of the hang-ups known, and none is as bad as the telephone. — Richard Armour

Dedicated to that amazing device, the Required Reading List, better even than artificial respiration for keeping dead authors alive. — Richard Armour

Good sportsmanship we hail, we sing, It's always pleasant when you spot it. There's only one unhappy thing: You have to lose to prove that you've got it. — Richard Armour

How I love to get a letter! I can think of nothing better Than perusing an epistolary item. But deep is my despondence, For I've found that correspondence Means that if you want to get 'em, You must write 'em! — Richard Armour

In larger things we are convivial; what causes trouble is the trivial. — Richard Armour

Melville died in New York on September 28, 1891, blissfully unaware that, in the years to come, so many people would leave the hyphen out of Moby-Dick. — Richard Armour

When it comes to eating, you can sometimes help yourself more by helping yourself less. — Richard Armour

If you convinced me And I convinced you, Would there not still be Two points of view? — Richard Armour

Rather than earn money, it was Thoreau's idea to reduce his wants so that he would not need to buy anything. As he went around preaching this ingenious idea, the shopkeepers of Concord hoped he would drop dead. — Richard Armour