Hiaasen Quotes & Sayings

It occurred to Yancy that, in the time they'd known each other, he hadn't once seen her look at her cell phone. She never texted, tweeted, Facebooked, Instagrammed, or posted a single picture when they were together. He found this behavior alluring. — Carl Hiaasen

Dastardly devious, cleverly conceived, and just a whole lot of fun to read, DEATH PERCEPTION is Lee Allen Howard on fire and at his finest. Rife with winsome weirdness, it's like the mutant stepchild of Carl Hiaasen and Stephen King, mixing a truly unique paranormal coming-of-age story with a quirky cast of offbeat noir characters into a novel that's simply unforgettable ... and hilariously original. A supernatural crime story, blazing with creative intrigue ... don't miss it. — Michael Arnzen

Jimmy Lee Baylis was a wise man, and knew better than to talk back to the man who signed his paycheck. — Carl Hiaasen

No deliberative body is manifestly less qualified to make decisions about public education than our state Legislature. With a few shining exceptions, most of these clowns don't read, can't write, and clearly can't add. — Carl Hiaasen

Wahoo's father had absolutely no use for creeps who beat on small animals, especially kids. — Carl Hiaasen

When you're given a newspaper column, you're not being paid to sit on a fence and scratch your chin and say 'On the one hand this' and 'On the other hand that.' You're getting paid for your opinion. — Carl Hiaasen

If God was my co-pilot, Yancy once groused to Burton, I'd have the fucking pedal to the metal soon as I left the garage. — Carl Hiaasen

The one word that no politician will ever speak, is 'enough.' Enough. — Carl Hiaasen

Whatever happens, I'm glad we ate that bleeping lizard. — Carl Hiaasen

Bode Gazzer was five feet six and had never forgiven his parents for it. He wore three-inch snakeskin shitkickers and walked with a swagger that suggested not brawn so much as hemorrhoidal tribulation. — Carl Hiaasen

From the pocket of her windbreaker he extracted what he falsely believed to be a portable marine radio, which along with two granola bars he'd pilfered from Honey's belongings after she was snatched by the club-handed lunatic. Shreave started pressing buttons on the compact gadget and barking, "Mayday! Mayday!
There was no response from the Coast Guard pilot or any other human, and for a good reason. Except for its LED screen, the instrument in Shreave's possession was electronically dissimilar to a radio in all significant respects. Most crucial was the absence of either an audio receiver or a transmitter.
"SOS! SOS!" he persisted. "Help!"
The device was in fact a mobile GPS unit, as technogically impenetrable to Shreave as the Taser gun he'd found beneath Honey's bed. — Carl Hiaasen

Sunset on the water ought to be a quiet and easy time, but I guess some people can't stand a little silence. — Carl Hiaasen

Disney's something to be a little alarmed about. It's not just a little theme park anymore. It's now an ethic and outlook and strategy that goes way beyond central Florida. — Carl Hiaasen

To me, the newspaper business was a way to learn about life and how things worked in the real world and how people spoke. You learn all the skills - you learn to listen, you learn to take notes - everything you use later as a novelist was valuable training in the newspaper world. But I always wanted to write novels. — Carl Hiaasen

Lots of people can write a good first page but to sustain it, that's my litmus test. If I flip to the middle of the book and there's a piece of dialogue that's just outstanding, or a description, then I'll flip back to the first page and start it. — Carl Hiaasen

Malley told the shrink that she'd run away because Justin — Carl Hiaasen

Unfortunately, I don't get to read nearly as much as I want because I'm always working on my own stuff, either the novels or newspaper columns. — Carl Hiaasen

Love this description of minor character, Lou Zicutto: Lou was branch claims manager of the mammoth insurance company where Decker worked part-time as an investigator. Lou was a spindly little twit, maybe a hundred twenty pounds, but he had a huge florid head, which he shaved every day. As a result he looked very much like a Tootsie Pop with lips. — Carl Hiaasen

he was bitten in the groin by a Belgian shepherd trainee named Kong, and he required three operations, culminating in a scrotal graft from a Brahma steer. — Carl Hiaasen

He wondered if something was mentally wrong with him for being content with what he had — Carl Hiaasen

People say sometimes, gosh, that was brave of you to write such-and-such last week. 'Brave?' What do they mean 'brave?' It's right! How could you not write it? — Carl Hiaasen

But Erin let it slide. The child was only four years old; she had a whole lifetime to learn about sadness. Today was for Dalmatians, ice cream and new dolls. — Carl Hiaasen

Coroners made Al Garcia jumpy; they always got so cheery when somebody came up with a fresh way to die. — Carl Hiaasen

If anything is more irresistible than Jesus, it's Mickey. — Carl Hiaasen

The one thing a lifetime in the newspaper business teaches you is pace - you spend all your time trying to make sure that the reader's going to finish what you're writing. — Carl Hiaasen

My father's a large man, very strong, but he says fighting is for people who can't win with their brains. He also says there are times when you've got no choice but to defend yourself from common morons. — Carl Hiaasen

The greatest sin for a writer is to be boring. — Carl Hiaasen

My books are character-driven. They're not driven by the story. — Carl Hiaasen

Nobody with an IQ higher than emergency-room temperature could ever believe that 'death panels' would be appointed to nudge the elderly toward euthanasia. Yet for idle entertainment, it's hard to beat Sarah Palin's ignorant nattering on the subject. — Carl Hiaasen

Carla Crumworthy, heiress to the Crumworthy panty-shield fortune. She had come to complain about the collagen injections that Rudy Graveline had administered to give her full, sensual lips, which is just what every rheumatoid seventy-one-year-old woman — Carl Hiaasen

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something. — Carl Hiaasen

From the pancake house I drive directly to the county morgue. The contrast is not especially striking. — Carl Hiaasen

Mickey Cray had been out of work ever since a dead iguana fell from a palm tree and hit him on the head. — Carl Hiaasen

My driving record is not exemplary, but I have never had a speeding ticket over 100 m.p.h. I can say that unequivocally. — Carl Hiaasen

From my experience, politicians are much more uncomfortable being made fun of than they are being preached at and screeched at - you know, and the soapbox routine. They're much more uneasy knowing they're a target of ridicule. — Carl Hiaasen

to a perfectly terrible day. — Carl Hiaasen

In his own mind, it was never a matter of courage. But courage it was. — Carl Hiaasen

They have a crystalline sense of right and wrong; it disappears when they walk out the door with their M.B.A. — Carl Hiaasen

Every writer scrounges for inspiration in different places, and there's no shame in raiding the headlines. It's necessary, in fact, when attempting contemporary satire. Sharp-edged humor relies on topical reference points. — Carl Hiaasen

She said there was no tactful way for a naked person to cope with a runny nose, especially while dancing. Orly grudgingly agreed. — Carl Hiaasen

If you write satire, the guilty pleasure these days is that there's just so much material about. On the other hand, if you have a family it can be depressing. — Carl Hiaasen

As far as I'm concerned, the gator that ate T.C. deserves a medal from Crime Stoppers. — Carl Hiaasen

From the bow of the canoe she asked, "Do you know a rain dance?"
"First I need a virgin. — Carl Hiaasen

Informed opponents of Obama's healthcare initiative have expressed dismay at the low level of discourse. — Carl Hiaasen

I've never progressed very far from my days as a smart aleck in middle school. — Carl Hiaasen

I got overwhelmed by the magnitude of the celebrity culture in America. My background is as a news journalist, and newsrooms in the US are shrinking - investigation teams are being terminated or shrunk on newspapers all around the country. The one aspect that's expanded is coverage of celebrity culture. — Carl Hiaasen

The Florida in my novels is not as seedy as the real Florida. It's hard to stay ahead of the curve. Every time I write a scene that I think is the sickest thing I have ever dreamed up, it is surpassed by something that happens in real life. — Carl Hiaasen

I don't care if you pack it in fucking kryptonite, that lottery ticket ain't going up your ass. — Carl Hiaasen

Nope. He lives over in Boca Raton." "Oh fuck, Red." "I know, it's hor'ble. That's how come the five hundred a day. — Carl Hiaasen

Though Madeleine's face reminded Dr. Graveline in many ways of a camel, he was fond of her. She was the kind of steady patient that offshore trust funds are made of. — Carl Hiaasen

You from the IRS? The man's voice was deep and wet, like mud slipping down a drain. — Carl Hiaasen

Watching the cab speed off, Wahoo's father looked forlorn. "It's like she's leaving us twice," he remarked. "What are you talking about, Pop?" "I'm seein' double, remember? There she goes - and there she goes again. — Carl Hiaasen

Sometimes you're going to be faced with situations where the line isn't clear between what's right and what's wrong.Your heart will tell you to do one thing and your brain will tell you to do something different. In the end, all that's left is to look at both sides and go with your best judgment. — Carl Hiaasen

and in the meantime don't jump to conclusions. — Carl Hiaasen

And the Chamber of Commerce was handing out cyanide capsules. — Carl Hiaasen

His mother wanted him closer to home. The funeral had been — Carl Hiaasen

Everybody's idea of a great book is different, of course. For me it's one that makes my jaw drop on every page, the writing is so original. — Carl Hiaasen

Disney world is an armpit,compared to Montana!! — Carl Hiaasen

Florida needs a special prison for tourists. Not all tourists - just the ones who trash the place, rob, shoplift, vandalize, drive drunk, assault the cops, puke in the alleys, pee in the medians, and so on. — Carl Hiaasen

The gutted ruins of the Amazing Kingdom were razed, and the land was replanted with native trees, including buttonwoods, pigeon plums, torchwoods, brittle palms, tamarinds, gumbo-limbos and mangroves. This restoration was accomplished in spite of rigid opposition from the Monroe County Commission, which had hoped to use the property as a public dump. — Carl Hiaasen

The other day, one of the big shots was trying to say 'Nice shoes!' and he accidentally told a government minister that his face looked like a butt wart. Not good. — Carl Hiaasen

Shreave flicked away the dead mosquito. "Don't these things carry the bird flu too?"
"No Boyd, that would be a bird. — Carl Hiaasen

When I'm working on a novel of my own, I try to read mostly nonfiction, although sometimes I break down and peek at something else. — Carl Hiaasen

Hey. Sometimes life is a shit flavored Popsicle. — Carl Hiaasen

I won't be making any friends in the corporate suites. — Carl Hiaasen

Mickey Cray was surprised to learn that Derek Badger didn't want any of his captive critters on location. Mickey had never wrangled for a nature show that used only wild animals, nor had he ever encountered a person less qualified than Derek to handle untamed specimens. — Carl Hiaasen

Only because you're injured," she said, and kissed him again. He pulled her close. "How's this going to work with all these stitches? Do I have to keep standing?" "Well," whispered Rosa, "I suppose you could kneel." Yancy lifted her sundress. "You're the doctor. — Carl Hiaasen

If Carl Hiaasen and Donald Westlake had a literary love child, he would be Timothy Hallinan. — Julia Spencer-Fleming

The first rule of hurricane coverage is that every broadcast must begin with palm trees bending in the wind. — Carl Hiaasen

For once Yancy didn't mind driving to Miami. Dr. Rosa Campesino had agreed to meet for lunch. On the Eighteen-Mile Stretch he got stuck behind a minivan with a CHOOSE LIFE bumper sticker. "Choose the accelerator! How's that for starters?" Yancy was shouting, pounding on the horn. — Carl Hiaasen

The victim's hand was contracted into a fist except for the middle digit, which was rigidly extended. — Carl Hiaasen

Please don't grow up to be one of those men who lie for the sport of it, and most men do. That's a fact. That's why the world is so messed up, Noah. That's why history books are full of so much heartache, and tragedy. Politicians, dictators, kings, phoney-baloney preachers-most of 'em are men, and most of 'em lie like rugs — Carl Hiaasen

I'm waiting for the day when Rush Limbaugh's pharmacist writes a book. — Carl Hiaasen

Don't order the fish," Yancy advised Merry when they sat down. "But it's a seafood joint." "More like a petri dish with menus. When they say 'catch of the day,' they mean infection." Brennan — Carl Hiaasen

Sure, I'll have characters drop in and out of books but the main cast of characters always changes. Maybe I'm wrong but I think if had the same joe detective guy or gal, I wouldn't write them as well; I wouldn't do as good a job. — Carl Hiaasen

Here's my rule: You always want to pay cash for your own books, because if they look at the name on the credit card and then they look at the name on the book jacket, then there's this look of such profound sympathy for you that you had to resort to this. It really is withering. — Carl Hiaasen

Maureen closed her eyes. " Listen to me, Earl. It's yourself you ought to be thinking about. Life goes by so darn fast, every wasted moment is a crime." One blue eye opened and fixed on him. "And every crime is a wasted moment. — Carl Hiaasen

A.Q., Keyes remembered, stood for Asshole Quotient. Skip Wiley had a well-known theory that the quality of life declined in direct proportion to the Asshole Quotient. According to Wiley's reckoning, Miami had 134 total assholes per square mile, giving it the worst A.Q. in North America. In second place was Aspen, Colorado (101), with Malibu Beach, California, finishing third at 97. — Carl Hiaasen

Her given name was Lucinda but she'd called herself Juveline since age fifteen, when she'd been caught selling knockoff Burberry totes and a cop at the booking desk misspelled the word "juvenile." Big — Carl Hiaasen

There is no writer's block in a newsroom. There's only unemployment block. — Carl Hiaasen

Remember what happened last time with the 'cuda. — Carl Hiaasen

Mrs. Bonneville never buckled her seat belt, even though it was required by state law; an ardent libertarian, she opposed government meddling in all matters of personal choice. — Carl Hiaasen

Humor can be an incredible, lacerating and effective weapon. — Carl Hiaasen

He considered telling her about his years as a big-time smuggler, but he doubted it would improve his odds of getting laid. Once upon a time, sure, absolutely - but hers was a generation that grew up on homegrown or Humboldt and thought Panama Red was a merlot. Gaspers suspected the young bartender would have been more impressed to meet a guy who worked for Apple, or maybe a professional skateboarder. — Carl Hiaasen

Kids feel so strongly about what's going on today and what's happening to the world, and that's very inspiring. I feel more hopeful than ever before about the future. — Carl Hiaasen

I married an asshole, she thought, knifing into the waves. — Carl Hiaasen

My father used to say that you live most of your life inside your own head, so make sure it's a good space. — Carl Hiaasen

The innards of Ping's G5 were supposedly computer-engineered with a process called "finite-element analysis," a term that for all I know was stolen from an old Star Trek episode. — Carl Hiaasen

Steve Forman strafes the south Florida scene with Boca Knights, an outrageously funny mystery novel with a raft of offbeat characters and prose that moves trippingly off the pen. His main man, Eddie Perlmutter, ex-Boston cop attempting semi-retirement in Boca Raton like a fish trying to retire out of the water, is a character for the ages. Carl Hiaasen, watch your back. — Douglas Preston

Good satire comes from anger. It comes from a sense of injustice, that there are wrongs in the world that need to be fixed. And what better place to get that well of venom and outrage boiling than a newsroom, because you're on the front lines. — Carl Hiaasen

We've always been fascinated with movie stars and singers, but the fascination with people who really have nothing to offer is something new. — Carl Hiaasen

A quick puke, two rails of blow and she was solid. — Carl Hiaasen

Boyd Shreave tore the page from Eugenie Fonda's memoir and, with a contemptuous flourish, wiped his ass with it. — Carl Hiaasen

Losing his hair. Ms. Chase and me, — Carl Hiaasen

sucking on a football. — Carl Hiaasen

The evening news made her wonder if God was dead; the morning sun made her believe He wasn't. — Carl Hiaasen

I'd always wanted to write books ever since I was a kid. — Carl Hiaasen

Cell phone the night he died. She'd obtained this key information — Carl Hiaasen

A well-regulated militia," Bode added, "like they talk about in the Second Amendment." "Oh," said Shiner. He hadn't read the first one yet. — Carl Hiaasen

I think in the old days, the nexus of weirdness ran through Southern California, and to a degree New York City. I think it's changed so that every bizarre story in the country now has a Florida connection. I don't know why, except it must be some inversion of magnetic poles or something. — Carl Hiaasen