Funny Letterman Quotes & Sayings

My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money. — David Letterman

Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a guy in a beret. Look at our founding fathers, they all wore berets. — David Letterman

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert. — David Letterman

The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash. — David Letterman

I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way. — Joe Rogan

Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years. — David Letterman

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving. — David Letterman

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. — David Letterman

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. — David Letterman

Tourists - have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitchhiking." — David Letterman

Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. — David Letterman

When I was young, I'd watch guys on 'The Tonight Show', Buddy Hackett, guys like that, where all they'd be is funny. Later, I remember, on 'Late Night with Letterman', I remember he'd have Jay Leno and Richard Lewis as first guests and the entire point was to entertain and be funny, and I think talk shows have kind of lost that. — Norm MacDonald

Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!" — Mitch Hedberg

Letterman is very intimidating because he's so funny, so you have to be really prepared. Also, he's a little squeamish about certain things, so you have to always be on guard to please him. — Norm MacDonald

I think David Letterman is a genius. Night after night he is funny and smart. He seems to really enjoy his jokes. They seem connected to who he really is. I like watching him, and there is no one better at turning an awkward moment into something very funny. — Casey Affleck

The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out a plate of cookies and some milk for Bob Costas. — David Letterman

David Letterman used to say, 'I wasn't the class clown, but I wrote for him,' and that's exactly it. You want to be known to be funny without having it pointed out. — Michael Keaton

How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed. — David Letterman

They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let 'em bloat! — David Letterman

You know how old I am? I'm so old, I remember when Letterman used to be funny and it was presidents who were serious. That's how old I am. — Rush Limbaugh

Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the Stars.' — David Letterman

Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window. — David Letterman

I've been invited to appear on Letterman, but they wanted me to talk about a funny videotape of Congress. 'Bring us your outtakes!' That's not our job. — Brian Lamb

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound. — David Letterman