Ogden Nash Quotes & Sayings

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them. — Ogden Nash

I could not eat a kangaroo. But many fine Australians do. Those with cookbooks as well as boomerangs Prefer him in tasty kangaroo-meringues. — Ogden Nash

In real life, it takes only one to make a quarrel. — Ogden Nash

ADVENTURES OF ISABEL
Isabel — Ogden Nash

But that wasn't fancy enough for Lord Byron, oh dear me no, he had to invent a lot of figures of speech and then interpolate them,
With the result that whenever you mention Old Testament soldiers to
people they say Oh yes, they're the ones that a lot of wolves dressed up in gold and purple ate them. — Ogden Nash

Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you. — Ogden Nash

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. — Ogden Nash

I myself am more and more inclined to agree with Omar and Satchel Paige as I grow older: Don't try to rewrite what the moving finger has writ, and don't ever look over your shoulder. — Ogden Nash

Only the gamefish swims upstream, But the sensible fish swims down. — Ogden Nash

You can take it as understood,
That your luck changes only if it's good. — Ogden Nash

The old men know when an old man dies. — Ogden Nash

The truth I do not stretch or shove
When I state the dog is full of love.
I've also proved, by actual test,
A wet dog is the lovingest. — Ogden Nash

The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually becomes a cat. — Ogden Nash

Smallpox is natural; vaccine ain't. — Ogden Nash

O, money, money, money, I'm not necessarily one of those who think thee holy,
But I often stop to wonder how thou canst go out so fast when thou comest in so slowly. — Ogden Nash

I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned. — Ogden Nash

Humor is hope's companion in arms. It is not brash, it is not cheap, it is not heartless. Among other things I think humor is a shield, a weapon, a survival kit. — Ogden Nash

Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw — Ogden Nash

Sleep is perverse as human nature, Sleep is perverse as legislature ... So people who go to bed to sleep Must count French premiers or sheep, And people who ought to arise from bed Yawn and go back to sleep instead. — Ogden Nash

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all. — Ogden Nash

When I remember bygone days I think how evening follows morn So many I loved were not yet dead, So many I love were not yet born. — Ogden Nash

Here's a good rule of thumb; too clever is dumb. — Ogden Nash

If you are really Master of your Fate, it shouldn't make any difference to you whether Cleopatra or the Bearded Lady is your mate. — Ogden Nash

My garden will never make me famous. I'm a horticultural ignoramus. I can't tell a string-bean from a soybean, or even a girl bean from a boy bean — Ogden Nash

The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk. — Ogden Nash

In the world of mules
There are no rules. — Ogden Nash

People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. — Ogden Nash

You can have my jellyfish
I am not sellyfish — Ogden Nash

Women would rather be right than reasonable. — Ogden Nash

Bankers are just like anybody else, only richer — Ogden Nash

Tonight's December thirty-first, something is about to burst. The clock is crouching, dark and small, like a time bomb in the hall. Hark, it's midnight, children dear. Duck! Here comes another year! — Ogden Nash

Parsley is gharsley. — Ogden Nash

There has been a lot of progress during my lifetime, but I'm afraid it's heading in the wrong direction. — Ogden Nash

Some one invented the telephone, And interrupted a nation's slumbers, Ringing wrong but similar numbers. — Ogden Nash

Why did the Lord give use so much quickness unless it was to avoid responsibility? — Ogden Nash

More than a catbird hates a cat,
Or a criminal hates a clue,
Or the Axis hates the United States,
That's how much I love you.
I love you more than a duck can swim,
And more than a grapefruit squirts,
I love you more than a gin rummy is a bore,
And more than a toothache hurts.
As a shipwrecked sailor hates the sea,
Or a juggler hates a shove,
As a hostess detests unexpected guests,
That's how much you I love.
I love you more than a wasp can sting,
And more than the subway jerks,
I love you as much as a beggar needs a crutch,
And more than a hangnail irks.
I swear to you by the stars above,
And below, if such there be,
As the High Court loathes perjurious oathes,
That's how you're loved by me. — Ogden Nash

Were it not for frustration and humiliation
I suppose the human race would get ideas above its station. — Ogden Nash

I think progress began to retrogress when Wilbur and Orville started tinkering around in Dayton and at Kitty Hawk, because I believe that two Wrights made a wrong. — Ogden Nash

Middle-aged life is merry, and I love to lead it. — Ogden Nash

How confusing the beams from memory's lamp are; One day a bachelor, the next a grampa. What is the secret of the trick? How did I get so old so quick? — Ogden Nash

I claim there ain't Another Saint As great as Valentine. — Ogden Nash

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late. — Ogden Nash

A husband is a man who two minutes after his head touches the pillow is snoring like an overloaded omnibus. — Ogden Nash

People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it. — Ogden Nash

When there are monsters there are miracles. — Ogden Nash

I'm like a backward berry, Unripened on the vine, For all my friends are fifty, And I'm only forty-nine. — Ogden Nash

To maintain your marriage brimming, with really like in the wedding cup, anytime you are incorrect, admit it each time you're proper, shut up. — Ogden Nash

Remorse is violent dyspepsia of the mind. — Ogden Nash

I am tarred and feathered with Time. — Ogden Nash

Some primal termite knocked on wood.
And tasted it, and found it good.
And that is why your Cousin May
Fell through the parlor floor today. — Ogden Nash

And one of his partners asked Has he vertigo? and the other glanced out and down and said Oh no, only about ten feet more. — Ogden Nash

At another year I would not boggle Except that when I jog I joggle. — Ogden Nash

I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons. — Ogden Nash

To Tom Carlson or his dog-depending on whose taste it best suits. — Ogden Nash

Everybody who has a baby thinks everybody who hasn't a baby ought to have a baby,
Which accounts for the success of such plays as the Irish Rose of Abie,
The idea apparently being that just by being fruitful
You are doing something beautiful,
Which if it is true
Means that the common housefly is several million times more beautiful than me or you. — Ogden Nash

The camel has a single hump, The dromedary, two; Or else the other way around; I'm never sure. Are you? — Ogden Nash

Too much Chablis can make you whablis. — Ogden Nash

Hark to the sky of a seagull!
He cries because he's not an eagle.
Oh, what if you were you silly he-gull?
What would you say to your she-gull? — Ogden Nash

Baclli swarm within my portals
Such as ne'r conceived by mortals,
But, bred by scientists,
Wise and hoary in some Olympian laboratory.
Bacteria as large as mice
With feet of fire and heads of ice,
Who never interrupt for slumber
Their stomping, elephantine rumba.
( From the poem
" The Common Cold " ) — Ogden Nash

Your hair may be brushed, but your mind's untidy. You've had about seven hours of sleep since Friday. No wonder you feel that lost sensation. You're sunk from a riot of relaxation. — Ogden Nash

It is common knowledge to every schoolboy and even every Bachelor of Arts,
That all sin is divided into two parts.
One kind of sin is called a sin of commission, and that is very
important — Ogden Nash

I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it. — Ogden Nash

If called by a panther, don't anther. — Ogden Nash

The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly. — Ogden Nash

The only incurable troubles of the rich are the troubles that money can't cure, Which is a kind of trouble that is even more troublesome if you are poor. — Ogden Nash

Bankers are just like everybody else, except richer. — Ogden Nash

The dog is man's best friend. He has a tail on one end. Up in front he has teeth. And four legs underneath. — Ogden Nash

I don't care how unkind the things people say about me so long as they don't say them to my face. — Ogden Nash

The codfish is a staple food For which I'm seldom in the mood. This fish is such an utter loss That people eat it with egg sauce. — Ogden Nash

The reason for much matrimony is patrimony. — Ogden Nash

Marriage is the only known example of the happy meeting of the immovable object and the irresistible force. — Ogden Nash

And you stagger down to break your fast. Greasy bacon and lacquered eggs And coffee composed of frigid dregs. — Ogden Nash

The burnt child, urged by rankling ire, Can hardly wait to get back at the fire. — Ogden Nash

This is my dream, It is my own dream, I dreamt it. I dreamt that my hair was kempt. Then I dreamt that my true love unkempt it. — Ogden Nash

We love the kindly wind and hail, The jolly thunderbolt, We watch in glee the fairy trail Of ampere, watt, and volt. — Ogden Nash

I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers. — Ogden Nash

I was born a jackdaw; why should I try to be an owl? — Ogden Nash

There are two kinds of people who blow through life like a breeze, And one kind is gossipers, and the other kind is gossipees. — Ogden Nash

When I ponder my mind I consistently find It is glued On food. — Ogden Nash

Maybe I couldn't be dafter, But I keep wondering if this time we settle our differences before a war instead of after. — Ogden Nash

How easy for those who do not bulge to not overindulge! — Ogden Nash

Husbands are things that wives have to
get used to putting up with.
And with whom they breakfast with
and sup with.
They interfere with the discipline of nurseries,
And forget anniversaries,
And when they have been particularly remiss,
They think they can cure everything
with a great big kiss. — Ogden Nash

So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and combat
Over everything debatable and combatable
Because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life
Particularly if he has income and she is pattable. — Ogden Nash

A dog's best friend is his illiteracy. — Ogden Nash

One thing that literature would be greatly the better for
Would be a more restricted employment by authors of simile and>metaphor. — Ogden Nash

Time is like the ocean, always there, always different. — Ogden Nash

Life has a tendency to obfuscate and bewilder, Such as fating us to spend the first part of our lives being embarrassed by our parents and the last part being embarrassed by our children. — Ogden Nash

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. — Ogden Nash

He who has never tasted jail Lives well within the legal pale, While he who's served a heavy sentence Renews the racket, not repentance. — Ogden Nash

Then blessings on thee, my afternoon torpor Thou makest a prince of a mental porpor. — Ogden Nash

The only way I can distinguish proper from improper fractions is by their actions — Ogden Nash

How do I feel today? I feel as unfit as an unfiddle,
And it is the result of a certain turbulence in the mind and an uncertain burbulence in the middle.
What was it, anyway, that angry thing that flew at me?
I am unused to banshees crying Boo at me.
Your wife can't be a banshee
Or can she? — Ogden Nash

So Columbus said, somebody show me the sunset and somebody did and he set sail for it, And he discovered America and they put him in jail for it, And the fetters gave him welts, And they named America after somebody else. — Ogden Nash

Miranda in Miranda's sight is old, gray and dirty; Twenty-nine she was last night; This morning she is thirty. — Ogden Nash

Too clever is dumb. — Ogden Nash

Whether elected or appointed he considers himself the Lord's anointed, and indeed the ointment lingers on him so thick you can't get your fingers on him. — Ogden Nash

The Bronx? No Thonx! — Ogden Nash

But all ladies think they weigh too much. — Ogden Nash

Another good thing about gossip is that it is within everybody's reach, And it is much more interesting than any other form of speech. — Ogden Nash

He without benefit of scruples - His fun and money soon quadruples. — Ogden Nash