Evanovich Quotes & Sayings

Hunh," Lula said. "You sure got a stick up your ass. When did you get so play-by-the-book?" "I've always been play-by-the-book. You're the one who doesn't play by the book." "Well, I knew it was one of us. — Janet Evanovich

Make sure your main characters are likeable. They can be flawed, but your readers need to be able to root for them. — Janet Evanovich

Ranger is an unusual name," she managed. "Is it a nickname?"
It's a street name," Ranger said. "I was a Ranger in the army."
I heard about them Rangers on TV," Grandma said. "I heard they get dogs pregnant."
My father's mouth dropped open and a piece of ham fell out.
My mother froze, her fork poised in midair.
That's sort of a joke," I told Grandma. "Rangers don't get dogs pregnant in real life."
I looked at Ranger for corroboration and got another smile. — Janet Evanovich

One minute I was having a day like any other , and then Whack an this guy didn't have no head Lula Finger Lickin 15 — Janet Evanovich

I attributed the incidence to temporary insanity, and in my own defense, I'd like to say I haven't run over anyone since. — Janet Evanovich

As long as he has a house with two bathrooms. I swear to God, I don't care if he's Jack the Ripper. — Janet Evanovich

Holy cow!" I said. "You can't go to the door like that!" "My gun's in the kitchen." "Yes, but your underwear's on the floor in my bedroom!" And that wasn't the biggest problem. — Janet Evanovich

Ranger slung an arm around me and hugged me into him, and I could feel him laughing. "It's not funny," I said. "Babe, I haven't got a lot of funny in my life. Let me enjoy the moment. — Janet Evanovich

You know nothing. You're nothing but a skank-ass, pencil-dick hemorrhoid. And you smell like anal leakage." "Say what? — Janet Evanovich

My leg over the bike. Ranger was watching me, smiling. "I like the way you straddle that," he said. "Someday . . . — Janet Evanovich

A woman's never too old to make an idiot of herself. It goes along with equality of the sexes and potty parity. — Janet Evanovich

There was an air of satisfaction to the house at the end of the day. Maybe the day hadn't gone exactly right, but the day had been lived and the house had been there for its family. — Janet Evanovich

Excuse me?" I said, palms down on the Formica tabletop. "Coffee? I thought we came here for pie." "I don't eat the kind of pie they serve here." I felt a flash of heat go through my stomach. I knew firsthand the kind of pie Ranger liked. — Janet Evanovich

Think of this as an adventure, Diesel said.
I'm from Jersey. I get my adventure on the Turnpike. — Janet Evanovich

I went to the beauty salon today and got spruced up," Grandma said. "Ever since Mildred Frick called me a slut my phone hasn't stopped ringing. I got two dates for the weekend."
"It might not be such a good thing to have men calling you because they think you're a slut," I said. "They're only going to be after one thing."
"I hope that's true. I don't want to find out I went blond and bought all them thongs for nothing. — Janet Evanovich

Adaptation is one of the great advantages to being born and bred in Jersey. We're simply not bested by bad air or tainted water. We're like that catfish with lungs. Take us out of our environment and we can grow whatever body parts we need to survive. After Jersey the rest of the country's a piece of cake. You want to send someone into a fallout zone? Get him from Jersey. He'll be fine. — Janet Evanovich

Men!" I said. "You all a bunch of chauvinist morons"
Stephanie Plum - Ten Big Ones — Janet Evanovich

Grandma has a .45 long barrel that she keeps hidden from my mother. She got it from her friend Elsie, who picked it up at a yard sale. Probably it was in Grandma's purse. Grandma says it gives the bag some heft, in case she has to beat off a mugger. This might be true, but I think mostly Grandma likes pretending she is Clint Eastwood. — Janet Evanovich

I don't get writer's block because I don't believe in it. I believe you sit in front of the computer and force your fingers to get something on the screen. — Janet Evanovich

He had a body like batman — Janet Evanovich

Is there anything else you need from me?" Ranger asked.
"Not right now."
"There will come a time," Ranger said. "Let me know when." And he disconnected.
I opened the freezer and stuck my head in to cool off. If there'd been any more innuendo in that conversation, I could have fried an egg on my forehead. — Janet Evanovich

All my adult life I've hidden behind mascara. And if I'm really insecure, I add eyeliner. (Stephanie, Chapter 10) — Janet Evanovich

Whoever thought a naked beach was a good idea never sat in one. — Janet Evanovich

Well that's disappointing," Grandma Mazur said. "I expected something better from her. — Janet Evanovich

I'd kiss you, but you smell like a gym bag. — Janet Evanovich

Ten minutes passed before his (Ranger's) Mercedes appeared at the end of the street, gliding through the rain, sleek and sinister, water not daring to adhere to the paint finish. — Janet Evanovich

Ranger is one of the few civilians in Trenton with a permit to carry concealed. He owns office buildings in Boston, has a daughter in Florida by a failed marriage, has worked worldwide as a mercenary, and has a moral code that isn't entirely in sync with our legal system. I have no idea who the heck he is . . . but I like him. — Janet Evanovich

The problem with all that falling in love was that eventually it had to come to an end, and the end would be painful. — Janet Evanovich

Shirley's gonna be pissed," Gazarra said. "She hates when I get shot." To my recollection, the only other time Gazarra was shot was when he was playing quick draw in the police station elevator and his gun accidentally discharged. The bullet ricocheted off the elevator wall and lodged in Gazarra's right buttock. — Janet Evanovich

Your monkey was looking under the stall doors in the ladies' room,' I told Diesel.
'That's my boy,' Diesel said. — Janet Evanovich

I wanted to tell you I ... uh, like you." Shit. I chickened out! What was it with me that I couldn't say the big L word? I am such a dope.
Morelli sighed into the phone. "You are such a dope. — Janet Evanovich

I wasn't a fabulous cook. I didn't have a boyfriend, much less a husband. And I wasn't a big financial success. I could live with all those failings as long as I knew that once in a while I looked really hot. — Janet Evanovich

There's no tab. And there's no price for what we give each other. Not ever. Not financial. Not emotional. I have to get back to work. — Janet Evanovich

I always listen," Ranger said. "I don't always agree. I have a problem right now that I can't seem to solve by myself. I need you to help me find my daughter. And there's an even bigger problem involved. I feel a financial and moral obligation to my daughter. I send child support, I send birthday and Christmas presents, I visit when I'm invited. But I've kept myself emotionally distanced. I'm not emotionally distanced from you. I couldn't live with myself if something happened to you because I was using you to find someone . . . even if that someone was my daughter. So I have to make every effort to keep you safe." "You're a little smothering. — Janet Evanovich

You know what this is?" Lula said. "This here's plane rage."
Plane rage isn't allowed. It got taken off the allowed activities list along with eating. If you make a scene they'll hual you off in leg irons." Stephanie said.
I'm tired of being stapped in here, too," Lula said. "This seat belt's too tight and it's giving me gas."
Anything else?"
There's no movie. — Janet Evanovich

Was a fast easy reading, Good to take your mind off of anything serious for a while — Janet Evanovich

Okay," she said. "I'll go with him, but you owe me. I want one of them five-gallon jugs of rice pudding when I come — Janet Evanovich

I checked out the wine. Screw cap. The greatest invention since fire. — Janet Evanovich

The only normal people are people you don't know very well." Diesel
"That's a quote from a famous person," I told him. Lizzy Tucker — Janet Evanovich

Damn, piss, shit, fuck! — Janet Evanovich

This thing's giving me an eye twitch," Ranger said. "Can you get the sound off?" I started pressing buttons and the screen went blank. "How's that?" I asked. "Babe, you shut the system down." "Yes, but the sound is off." "Reprogram it." "No need to get testy," I told him. "I don't know where I'm going." "I have a map. You just get on I-95 south and take the Springfield exit." "And then what?" "Then you'll have to pull over and reprogram the GPS." Ranger cut his eyes to me and there was the tiniest of smiles on his mouth. — Janet Evanovich

Why do you gotta be going somewhere? Seems like it should be enough that we had nachos. And we got meaningful jobs. We catch bad guys. If it wasn't for us, there'd be vampires and all kinds of shit running around loose. — Janet Evanovich

I shuddered at the mention of Mrs. Steiger.
"What's that about?" Ranger asked.
"Mrs. Steiger is the Antichrist."
"Damn," Ranger said. "I left my Antichrist gun at home."
"Looks like you brought everything else."
"Never know when you'll need some tear gas."
"If we have to gas Mrs. Steiger, it"ll ruin my chances of being Miss Burg in the Mayflower parade. — Janet Evanovich

there are five specific factors that determine fitness; you are in firm possession of four of them." "Really?" She stopped fidgeting and gave him back her full attention. "Absolutely," he told her enthusiastically. "The criteria break down into cardiovascular — Stephanie Evanovich

That was close,"he said, helping himself to coffee.
Yeah, you almost opened the door to Morelli."
I wasn't talking about Morelli. I was talking about us."
That too," I said.
Ranger sliced a bagel and looked for the toaster.
It's broken,"I told him.
He truned the boiler on and slid the bagel into the oven.
That's surprisingly domestic for a man of mystery," I said to him.
He looked at me over the rim of his coffee mug. "I like things hot. — Janet Evanovich

Bummer," Glo said. "Do you want me to say some words? I'm an ordained minister. I even have a certificate." "What church?" I asked her. "The Church of the Barley Goddess." "I don't think that's a real church." "They have a website," Glo said. "The World Wide Web wouldn't allow them on there if they weren't real. — Janet Evanovich

every other aspect of his life. He had the — Janet Evanovich

I crossed the room at a run, barreled through the door to take the stairs, and crashed into Ranger. We lost balance and rolled tangled together to the fourth-floor landing. We lay there for a moment, stunned and breathless. Ranger was flat on his back, and I was on top of him. — Janet Evanovich

There was no expression to his face. He looked like he'd seen it all and didn't think much of it. — Janet Evanovich

Vinnie had court business, and then he couldn't fit the dancing bear in his car, so Lula and I picked him up in Mooner's bus. — Janet Evanovich

She stuffed the goodies into her hidden running belt, jogged out of the park, and went shopping for duct tape, a razor blade, paper clips, and another disposable phone. — Janet Evanovich

White lies are a gray area, — Janet Evanovich

Diesel rocked back on his heels and grinned at the monkey. "Carl?"
"Eep!" The monkey stood, squinted at Diesel, and gave him the finger.
"Looks like you know each other," I said.
"Our paths crossed in Trenton," Diesel said. "How did he get here?"
"Monkey Rescue," Glo told him. "He was abandoned."
"Figures," Diesel said.
The monkey gave him the finger again.
"Does he do that all the time?" I asked Diesel.
"Not all the time."
"I got him by mistake," Glo said. "And now we don't know what to do with him."
"You could turn him loose and let him go play in traffic." Diesel said.
- Lizzy, Shirley, Diesel, and Carl, pages 132-134. — Janet Evanovich

The lights were low, and Ranger was naked and lounging on the bed, waiting for me to return. I did a slow scan of his perfect body. — Janet Evanovich

Men are like shoes. Some fit better than others. And sometimes you go out shopping and there's nothing you like. And then, as luck would have it, the next week you find two that are perfect, but you don't have the money to buy both.- — Janet Evanovich

His can of pepper spray was bigger than my can of pepper spray. — Janet Evanovich

You have the Super Soaker filled with holy water?"
"Yeah. I sucked it out of the church. You know that bird-bath thing they got right up front?"
"The baptismal font?"
"That's it. They got it filled with holy water, free for the taking."
"Brilliant," I said to Lula.
She tapped her head with her finger. "No grass growin' here. — Janet Evanovich

Your cousin Maureen just got a job at the button factory. They're probably still hiring.
Helen Plum — Janet Evanovich

Ranger leaned closer and lowered his voice. — Janet Evanovich

I almost never shoot people. — Janet Evanovich

Did you take Joyce's engine?'
'My instructions were to disable the car, but one of the men bet Hal a burger he couldn't get the engine out. So Hal removed the engine. — Janet Evanovich

I like the way you've let your hair go curly," he finally said. "Suits your personality. Lots of energy, not much control, sexy as hell,"
Joe Morelli to Stephanie Plum — Janet Evanovich

[Stephanie Plum]Jeez. No True Love
[Grandma Mazur] There's always been true love, but in my day, you either talked yourself into thinking you had it, or you talked yourself into thinking you didn't need it. — Janet Evanovich

I took all of my rejection letters - there must have been thousands of them in a huge box - and I went out on the curb and burned them all, crying. — Janet Evanovich

I'd had a less tumultuous transition from childhood to adulthood, but somewhere in my twenties I feel like I got stalled in the process and now I'm drifting, marking time without any great passion to move forward. — Janet Evanovich

There's me and then there's you, and you aren't ever going to be as good as me, Sweet Thing.
Ranger — Janet Evanovich

You've been busy using your breaking and entering skills," I said.
"I just enter. I don't usually break."
"You broke down Pitch's door."
"Lost my temper."
-Ranger and Stephanie — Janet Evanovich

I woke up wrapped in Ranger's arms, our legs entwined, my face snuggled into his neck. He smelled nice, and he felt even better . . . warm and friendly. I enjoyed it for a moment before reality took hold. — Janet Evanovich

Lennie Smullenski and Anthony Zuck bake the goodies in the back room in big steel ovens and troughs of hot oil. Clouds of flour and sugar sift onto table surfaces and slip under foot. And lard is transferred daily from commercial sized vats directly to local butts. — Janet Evanovich

For the better part of my childhood, my professional aspirations were simple - I wanted to be an intergalactic princess. I didn't care much about ruling hordes of space people. Mostly I wanted to wear the cape and the sexy boots and carry a cool weapon. — Janet Evanovich

You and Nick are good together," Jake said. "Probably in more ways than you know."
"Let's not go there."
"You keep saying that to yourself, but maybe it's time for a rethink."
"Since when are you interested in my love life?"
"You don't have one. You're all about the job. With Bob, you can have both."
"You don't know anything about Bob."
"I know it's got to be Nick, because there isn't anybody else," Jake said. "Who could possibly compete?"
"Someone who isn't a criminal on the FBI's Most Wanted list for starters."
"How boring would that guy be? He couldn't match the excitement Nick brings to your life. — Janet Evanovich

He wears jeans, untucked shirts, and a Glock 19, and he has a big shaggy dog named Bob. — Janet Evanovich

Connie, giving her thoughts on why Vinnie's hot temper is less than normal, says: Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning. — Janet Evanovich

Cupcake, your middle name is trouble. — Janet Evanovich

You know what your problem is? You got too many scruples. One or two is okay, but you get too many of them, and it clogs everything up."
What she said made no sense at all, but was probably right.
"I got some scruples," Lula said, "but I know when to stop. There's a point where you have to say enough is enough and screw scruples. — Janet Evanovich

A uniform cordoned off the area with crime scene tape. The M.E. pulled in and parked. There were two EMT trucks idling at the edge of the lot. I'd stayed close to the back door, and one of the Rangeman guys had taken a position two feet from me, standing at parade rest. No doubt in my mind he'd take a bullet for me rather than face Ranger over a dead Stephanie. — Janet Evanovich

I checked my pocketbook to make sure I had the essentials... beeper, tissues, hair spray, flashlight, cuffs, lipstick, gun with bullets, recharged cell phone, recharged stun gun, hairbrush, gum, pepper spray, nail file. Was I a kick-ass bounty hunter, or what?"(Three to get deadly)Janet evanovich — Janet Evanovich

in a parade, and I'd already seen Ranger naked but he was worth — Janet Evanovich

No one expected a first year engineering student to build the perfect bridge. — Janet Evanovich

Are you afraid of me?
Uh ... yes.'
The smile stayed fixed in place. 'You should be. You locked me in a refrigerator truck with three dead people. Sooner or later I'm going to get you for it. — Janet Evanovich

Babe, you've destroyed a car, burned down two buildings, stapled a guy's nuts, and you have sixteen stitches in your leg. Take a night off. Have a glass of wine, watch some television, and go to bed early.
-Ranger — Janet Evanovich

You shouldn't be driving," Morelli said to Kloughn. "I know," Kloughn said. "I tried walking, but I was too drunk. It's okay. I was driving very slooooowly and 'sponsibly. — Janet Evanovich

Has it ever occurred to you that you might be delusional?'
That's what the psychiatrist said, but I think he's wrong. There's an evil flying pizza out there, and it's got Brenda's name on it. — Janet Evanovich

Um, Emerson?" she said. "I've reached the end of my rope. — Janet Evanovich

You have to step on people's feet and kick them in the back of the leg," Grandma said, "then they move away from you. — Janet Evanovich

You always did have a problem with undies. Remember when you wet your pants in the second grade?
- Joyce Barnhardt — Janet Evanovich

I sent Hal and Rafael to keep an eye on you, and I went to check on a commercial account in Whitehorse. Rafael called to tell me Lula went in with a rocket launcher, so I skipped Whitehorse. I pulled into the lot seconds before you destroyed Billings Foods. — Janet Evanovich

He doesn't look very smart," Diesel said. "He's not even giving me the finger."
"Can monkey's do that?" Hal asked.
Carl gave him the finger.
"Cool!" Hal said. — Janet Evanovich

Stop the planet. I want to get off. — Janet Evanovich

My feeling on rain is that it should only occur at night when people are sleeping. At night, rain is cozy. During the day, rain is a pain in the gumpy. — Janet Evanovich

In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I've never been a slave to good judgment. — Janet Evanovich

Nice tackle, babe, he said. And then he kissed me. No doubt about the intention this time. Not the sort of kiss you'd give your cousin, for instance. More like the sort of kiss a man would give a woman when he wanted to rip her clothes off and give her a reason to sing the Hallelujah Chorus. — Janet Evanovich

Dancing hotdogs don't say shit. — Janet Evanovich

How was your day?" Morelli asked me. "Oh, you know, the usual. Stole a truck. Blew up a building, and brought seven monkeys home with me. — Janet Evanovich

Ranger was slouched on the couch, watching a ball game. Bob was beside him, his big shaggy orange Bob head resting on Ranger's leg. — Janet Evanovich

I take in a lot of stuff from real life, movies, television, news and it all gets mixed in my head and somehow turns into a story idea. — Janet Evanovich

Sounds to me like you're talkin' about the wrong things. Why don't you talk about other things? Like you could make a list of things you won't fight over and then you only talk about those things. — Janet Evanovich

Look at you! You look like Rangeman Barbie. You got a gun and everything.
-Lula — Janet Evanovich

Damn, I thought everyone carried a gun in New Jersey!!! — Janet Evanovich

He tucked my hair behind my ear, his fingertips brushing feather light across my temple, his thumb at the line of my jaw. I have my own team. — Janet Evanovich