Diller Quotes & Sayings
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Top Diller Quotes
If they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year. — Phyllis Diller
The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours. We were not created by a deity. We created the deity in OUR image. Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE. — Phyllis Diller
Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream
I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one. — Phyllis Diller
There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake. — Phyllis Diller
[On plastic surgery:] When I die, God won't know me. There are no two parts of my body the same age. — Phyllis Diller
The business model for content is to be paid for it. You can be paid for it either though advertising or subscriptions or some new invention, but right now what we've got is advertising revenue and subscription revenue as the only way to be paid for content. — Barry Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. — Phyllis Diller
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are. — Phyllis Diller
This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball. — Phyllis Diller
Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink. — Phyllis Diller
We have a tax code whose complications and levels of unfairness and levels of choosing people to give tax breaks to and choosing people to deny them to is thousands of pages long with endless complications and unbelievable manipulations by everybody. — Barry Diller
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. — Phyllis Diller
I'm never absolutely sure of anything, and I don't want to be. You're either right and you'll pull through, or you're not. We're never going to be right about everything, and we've certainly been wrong. — Barry Diller
Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door. — Phyllis Diller
We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it. — Phyllis Diller
What interests me is starting businesses on our own, finding ideas that we can support, and simply investing in invention. — Barry Diller
I'm sure there are some commercial applications for Twitter, but they don't really interest me. I mean, 140 characters? I am really not interested in Ashton Kutcher's daily walks. Not for me. — Barry Diller
When he proposed he said, "We'll make such beautiful music together," but in this duet, his part seems to be all rests. — Phyllis Diller
Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush. — Phyllis Diller
Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody. — Phyllis Diller
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions. — Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets things right. — Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. — Phyllis Diller
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day. — Phyllis Diller
Get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one. — Phyllis Diller
When buying a new house ... Buy the house far enough away from school so your kids can't come home for lunch. — Phyllis Diller
The directories businesses still make nothing but money. They're overleveraged, they're bankrupt entities, but they still are the largest. This is all going to move online over time. Why Citysearch and Service Magic are so important to us, is because nobody has really colonized it yet completely. — Barry Diller
Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce. — Phyllis Diller
When you play spin the bottle, if they don't want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home. — Phyllis Diller
One [expert] said, 'Always have a baby sitter who is acquainted with your children.' If they were acquainted with my children, they wouldn't sit! — Phyllis Diller
If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him. — Phyllis Diller
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller
Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight. — Phyllis Diller
Put one dumb foot in front of the other and course-correct as you go. — Barry Diller
My sister was so promiscuous she broke her ankle in the glove compartment of a car. — Phyllis Diller
People, me included, have a truly emotional thing about this iPad. — Barry Diller
You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors! — Phyllis Diller
If it weren't for my adam's apple, I'd have no shape at all. — Phyllis Diller
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual. — Phyllis Diller
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing. — Phyllis Diller
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do. — Phyllis Diller
I've buried a lot of my laundry in the back yard. — Phyllis Diller
Once my husband said to me, 'I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want me to put some hot water on for you?' I thought that was the least he could do considering I was giving birth. — Phyllis Diller
When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren. — Phyllis Diller
There isn't any (afterlife), you dingbat! This is it, baby! Enjoy, carefully! Religion is such a medieval idea. Don't get me started. I have thought about every facet of religion and I can't buy any of it. So God made man in His own image? It's just the other way around. Man made God in his own image. It's all about money. — Phyllis Diller
What's happened to broadcasting is that broadcasting really used to be ... it used to have a very clear public service quotient. And it's more or less now. And it's been lost. — Barry Diller
It's hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister. — Phyllis Diller
I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best. — Phyllis Diller
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do. — Phyllis Diller
My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in. — Phyllis Diller
I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest. — Phyllis Diller
My opinion, young people go to the Internet. To the Internet distribution system right now, you put it up there and it's accessed by the world. — Barry Diller
Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss. — Phyllis Diller
No one can solve an issue where there is no economic model yet. — Barry Diller
Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped. — Phyllis Diller
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, 'I want to buy a gun for my husband.' The clerk says, 'Did he tell you what kind of gun?' 'No,' she replied. 'He doesn't even know I'm going to shoot him. — Phyllis Diller
I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband. — Phyllis Diller
I don't want to sound like I'm on dope, but that hour is a high; it's as good as you can feel. A wonderful, wonderful happiness, and great power. — Phyllis Diller
My father used to call me the laughing hyena. — Phyllis Diller
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to. — Phyllis Diller
Growing up, my two favorite books were Woody Allen's 'Side Effects' and Phyllis Diller's 'Housekeeping Hints.' I carried that Phyllis Diller book with me everywhere when I was in fifth or sixth grade. Eventually, it just fell apart. — Jill Davis
Since I was in my early twenties, at ABC, I was always only interested in things that were not already being done. — Barry Diller
E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, You look weird. Never got a dinner! — Red Buttons
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. — Phyllis Diller
Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing. — Phyllis Diller
I'm just saying if you want to reach large audiences, then rely on professionals, meaning people who are in the industry and are trained for it, rather than just idiot savants. — Barry Diller
My house used to be haunted, but the ghosts haven't been back since the night I tried on all my wigs. — Phyllis Diller
Companies like GE and Procter & Gamble have been in business for a long time. Over decades or a century you're bound to figure out a management structure that works. — Barry Diller
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture. — Phyllis Diller
I don't know how you feel about old age ... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear. — Phyllis Diller
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along. — Phyllis Diller
I don't like to cook. I can make a TV dinner taste like radio. — Phyllis Diller
For more than two decades, Barry Diller has been among the most respected - and feared - figures in the entertainment industry. — Alex Berenson
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit. — Phyllis Diller
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don't kiss; we touch gloves. — Phyllis Diller
Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down. — Phyllis Diller
Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in. — Phyllis Diller
I honestly believe there is absolutely nothing like going to bed with a good #book; or a friend who's #read one. — Phyllis Diller
Sometimes it seems like there's more footnotes than text. This isn't something we're proud of, and over time we'd like to see our footnotes steadily shrink. — Barry Diller
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap? — Phyllis Diller
If I invested in a mouthwash stock, bad breath would suddenly become popular. — Phyllis Diller
My husband is so useless that it's hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, If you love me, blink your eyes. — Phyllis Diller
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought. — Phyllis Diller
I've not conducted my life in the service of smallness. — Barry Diller
I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it. — Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller
I remember once a vocational director said to Fang, "You must develop some mechanical skills - like getting out of bed." — Phyllis Diller
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles. — Phyllis Diller
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor ... I was committed! — Phyllis Diller
When I go to the beach, even the tide won't come in. — Phyllis Diller
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers. — Phyllis Diller
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet. — Phyllis Diller
Winston Churchill drank whiskey with a splash of water for breakfast. — Tadio Diller