Clever Humor Quotes & Sayings

Skul-man!' he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. 'Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun by evil trans-dimensional superfiends!'
Skulduggery nodded. 'Just got back. — Derek Landy

For himself ... He could rarely think of how to respond when immersed in that heady back-and-forth. Sometimes he thought of clever things to say ... hours later. Usually, he committed the worst sin possible: He said what he was really thinking. That was why he came out with gems like, I like your tits. Not one of his finest moments, that. — Courtney Milan

This is very similar to the suggestion put forward by the Quirmian philosopher Ventre, who said, "Possibly the gods exist, and possibly they do not. So why not believe in them in any case? If it's all true you'll go to a lovely place when you die, and if it isn't then you've lost nothing, right?" When he died he woke up in a circle of gods holding nasty-looking sticks and one of them said, "We're going to show you what we think of Mr Clever Dick in these parts ... — Terry Pratchett

The number one reason knitters knit is because they are so smart that they need knitting to make boring things interesting. Knitters are so compellingly clever that they simply can't tolerate boredom. It takes more to engage and entertain this kind of human, and they need an outlet or they get into trouble.
... knitters just can't watch TV without doing something else. Knitters just can't wait in line, knitters just can't sit waiting at the doctor's office. Knitters need knitting to add a layer of interest in other, less constructive ways. — Stephanie Pearl-McPhee

You backbiting, poisonous, treacherous, deceitful, wicked, clever girl. If this works I'll buy you a pony. — Jim Butcher

I am not shy about admitting my modest talents. For example, I am happy to admit that I am better than average at clever remarks, and I also have a flair for getting people to like me. But to be perfectly fair to myself, I am ever-ready to confess my shortcomings, too, and a quick round of soul-searching forced me to admit that I had never been any good at all at breathing water. As I hung there from the seat belt, dazed and watching the water pour in and swirl around my head, this began to seem like a very large character flaw. — Jeff Lindsay

As it 'appens, I am Arthur's right-hand man," said Suzy. "Or left-hand girl, I can't remember where I stood last time. Anyhow, me and Arthur is like two fingers of a gauntlet. Or at least the thumb and the little finger. I mean, I'm his top General, and all. So if I say you're in, you're in. — Garth Nix

Major Major's father had a good joke about opportunity. "Opportunity only knocks once in this world," he would say. Major Major's father repeated this good joke at every opportunity. — Joseph Heller

When Geoffrey was away, the goat often took himself off. He had soon got the goats at Granny's cottage doing his bidding, and Nanny Ogg said once that she had seen what she called 'that devil goat' sitting in the middle of a circle of feral goats up in the hills. She named him 'The Mince of Darkness' because of his small and twinkling hooves, and added, 'Not that I don't like him, stinky as he is. I've always been one for the horns, as you might say. Goats is clever. Sheep ain't. No offence, my dear. — Terry Pratchett

The next best thing to being clever is being able to quote some one who is. — Mary Pettibone Poole

I don't like a clever toilet looking at our butts. — Emma Donoghue

Later, they also found a camp of outlaws who, when offered the chance to join the rebel ranks, unsheathed their daggers and threatened to cut the three into tiny, bloody pieces and eat them for dinner.
They too that as a firm no. — Morgan Rhodes

My wife was saying to me just the other day how she's noticed a spring in my step lately. That was because I thought you were gone forever.'
'I missed you too, Thurid. — Derek Landy

Give the wilding an axe, why not?" He pointed out Mormont's weapon, a short-hafted battle-axe with gold scrollwork inlaid on the black steel blade. "He'll give it back, I vow. Buried in the Old Bear's skull, like as not. why not give him all our axes, and our swords as well? I mislike the way the clank and rattle as we ride. We'd travel faster without them, straight to hell's door. Does it rain in hell, I wonder? Perhaps Craster would like a nice hat instead."
Jon smiled. "He wants an axe. And wine as well."
"See, the Old Bear's clever. If we get the wildling well and truly drunk, perhaps he'll only cut off an ear when he tries to slay us with that axe. I have two ears but only one head. — George R R Martin

Something bad was about to happen. My wife was being clever again. — Gillian Flynn

Control was the basis of all humor. Even at its most innocent, what was a joke or a clever comment if not a way to take control? To become King of the Moment. — Adam Rex

I put the bra in brand, and I top it! — Natalya Vorobyova

Yeah, sure. You know I can't stand the sight of blood, right?"
"Said no one ever while dating a vampire," he quipped
"Very clever. Ten points to Gryffindor. — Kristi Cook

This is a lot more satisfying," he said, "when I have intelligent life whom I can render awed, rapt with attention for my clever verbosity."
The ugly lizard-crab-thing on the next rock over clicked its claw, an almost hesitant sound.
"Your right, of course," Wit said. "My usual audience isn't particularly intelligent. That was also the obvious joke, however, so shame on you. — Brandon Sanderson

When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five, I was just alive.
But now I am Six, I'm as clever as clever,
So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever. — A.A. Milne

Darrow: "Does he really believe believe in magic?" I ask.
Daxo Au Telemanus: "He says gnomes steals ear wax from him at night. Mother thinks he's been hit too many times in the head." Daxo backs away following his father. But he can't hide the his clever smile as he pops a jellybean into his mouth. And I see where the ones in my pocket came from. "I say he just lives in a more entertaining world than we do. — Pierce Brown

Graham's life is as tense as an overstretched simile. — Zane Stumpo

Silk laughed. "You really should try not to let your knife do all your thinking for you. That's the one quality we find least attractive in our Cherek cousins."
"And we find this compulsion to make clever remarks which seems to overwhelm our Drasnian brothers now and then almost equally unattractive," Barak told him coolly. — David Eddings

I have chiseled features. Look. Look how chiseled they are. And my teeth are at least as white as his. You seriously think he's good-lookin'?"
"I do," said Tanith.
"Right," Sanguine said and nodded. "I'm gonna kill him."
She kept her laugh soft so it wouldn't travel. "I think he's good-looking, but I think you're better looking."
"Oh," Sanguine said. "I mean, yeah. I am. I'm glad you noticed. — Derek Landy

I would never believe it of you, my boy, regardless of the schemers your mother and sister turned out to be. You may not be the most clever boy, nor the most prudent, nor the most gentlemanlike, nor ... "
Edward cleared his throat.
"Right! But you have a good heart, and I have every hope that with the proper education and mentoring you will be credit to the family yet. — Julie Klassen

As a theatrical troupe, the Muppets haven't exactly been AWOL these past dozen years; the gang rocked YouTube in 2009 with their kick-ass rendition of Queen's 'Bohemian Rhapsody.' But they've certainly been lying low while our twitchy, tweet-y times have favored snarkier, more air-quote-driven entertainment, even from puppets. And in a way, that showbiz hiatus has worked in favor of The Muppets. For adults, the movie's gentle, clever, unironic humor feels freshly, trendily retro now, enhanced by laughs provided in cameos from a very up-to-date roster of stars. — Lisa Schwarzbaum

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique. — Mitch Hedberg

There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You'll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there's a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long, obscure word into each story. This makes the reader think that the man is very wise and clever. So I have the machine do the same thing. There'll be a whole stack of long words stored away just for this purpose."
Where?"
In the 'word-memory' section," he said, epexegetically. — Roald Dahl

I've just finished reading some of my early papers, and you know, when I'd finished I said to myself, 'Rutherford, my boy, you used to be a damned clever fellow.' (1911) — Ernest Rutherford

I heard this story once," she said, "where this bloke got locked up for years and years and he learned amazin' stuff about the universe and everythin' from another prisoner who was incredibly clever, and then he escaped and got his revenge."
"What incredibly clever stuff do you know about the universe, Gytha Ogg?" said Granny.
"Bugger all," said Nanny cheerfully.
"Then we'd better bloody well escape right now. — Terry Pratchett

Someone very clever - certainly someone much cleverer than whoever had trained that imp - must have made the clock for the Partrician's waiting room. It went tick-tock like any other clock. But somehow, and against all usual horological practice, the tick and the tock were irregular. Tick tock tick ... and then the merest fraction of a second longer before ... tock tick tock ... and then a tick a fraction of a second earlier than the mind's ear was now prepared for. The effect was enough, after ten minutes, to reduce the thinking processes of even the best-prepared to a sort of porridge. The Patrician must have paid the clockmaker quite highly. — Terry Pratchett

Jenny: Ned, I am having difficulties forming the image of the woman you should marry in my mind. Tell me, how do you imagine your ideal woman?
Ned: Oh, She's exactly like you. Except younger.
Jenny: Whatever do you mean? She's clever? Witty?
Ned: No. I mean she's dependable and honest.
The mysterious smile slipped from Jenny's lips for the barest instant, and she looked at him in appalled and flattered horror. If this was how Ned assessed character, he would end up married to a street thief in no time at all.
— Courtney Milan

In short, he was a dope. He often looked to Yossarian like one of those people hanging around modern museums with both eyes together on one side of a face. It was an illusion, of course, generated by Clevinger's predilection for staring fixedly at one side of a question and never seeing the other side at all. — Joseph Heller

All I meant to say is that a rake's humor has its basis in cruelty. He needs a victim, for he cannot imagine ever laughing at himself. You, your grace, are rather clever with the self-deprecating remark. — Julia Quinn

You have quite the clever tongue on you!"
"I've never actually had someone's tongue on me," Shallan said, turning a page and not looking up, "clever or not. I'd hazard to consider it an unpleasant experience."
"It ain't so bad," Gaz said. — Brandon Sanderson

I have learned that particularly clever ideas do not always stand up under close scrutiny. — Elizabeth Peters

If you were smart," Genghis said, "you would have borrowed the silverware of one of your friends."
"We never thought of that," Klaus said. When one is forced to tell atrocious lies, one often feels a guilty flutter in one's stomach, and Klaus felt such a flutter now. "You certainly are an intelligent man."
"Not only am I intelligent," Genghis agreed, "but I'm also very smart. — Lemony Snicket

How gratifying it is to amuse. How easy it gets to toss off a witticism to ease any awkwardness, to sidestep any solemnity. When you amuse, it even seems, for the briefest possible moment that you are who you appear to be, so clever and confident and at ease. — Caroline Kettlewell

I take back everything I ever said about that boy being clever." He turned around to face the bar while leveling an accusatory finger at the closed door. "That," he said firmly to the room in general, "is what comes of working with iron every day. — Patrick Rothfuss

There is a lot of folklore about equestrian statues, especially the ones with riders on them. There is said to be a code in the number and placement of the horse's hooves: If one of the horse's hooves is in the air, the rider was wounded in battle; two legs in the air means that the rider was killed in battle; three legs in the air indicates that the rider got lost on the way to the battle; and four legs in the air means that the sculptor was very, very clever. Five legs in the air means that there's probably at least one other horse standing behind the horse you're looking at; and the rider lying on the ground with his horse lying on top of him with all four legs in the air means that the rider was either a very incompetent horseman or owned a very bad-tempered horse. — Terry Pratchett

Ohh, how clever," Aden said and clapped. "A death threat. You know what's funny? That's not even my first of the day. — Gena Showalter

At least if I
was picking guys up in fits of drunken idiocy, they were not only handsome, but also even mildly clever. — C.E. Murphy

Mizzenmast," bellowed Caldris, and Locke and Jean both fetched up short, breathing heavily.
"Ship doesn't bloody have one," said Locke. "Just foremast and mainmast!"
"Oh, clever you! You've undone my subtle ruse, Master Kosta. Get your bloody uniform and we'll let you act the peacock for a few hours. — Scott Lynch

I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many new pairs of shoes. — Jen Lancaster

Richard [Griffiths] was by my side during two of the most important moments of my career. In August 2000, before official production had even begun on Potter, we filmed a shot outside the Dursleys', which was my first ever shot as Harry. I was nervous and he made me feel at ease. Seven years later, we embarked on 'Equus' together. It was my first time doing a play but, terrified as I was, his encouragement, tutelage and humor made it a joy. In fact, any room he walked into was made twice as funny and twice as clever just by his presence. — Daniel Radcliffe

Humor is important. If you're going to tell any sort of realistic story, you're going to have to have humor in it, because people are funny. Clever people especially. — Patrick Rothfuss

Ook, though very clever, was the worst fighter in the tribe. That is how he ended up with Grot-Grot as his woman. Grot-Grot had a bald patch on the top of her head, she was missing an eye and she smelled like a dead skunk. She did have a good sense of humour though. — Aussiescribbler

Today I am amused, and I haven't seen anyone yet. — Aleksandra Ninkovic

A stupid person can make only certain, limited types of errors; the mistakes open to a clever fellow are far broader. But to the one who knows how smart he is compared to everyone else, the possibilities for true idiocy are boundless. — Steven Brust

You think you're a very clever fellow, don't you?" Saldur challenged.
"No, Your Grace," Merrick replied. "Clever is the man who makes a fortune selling dried-up cows, explaining how it saves the farmers the trouble of getting up every morning to milk them. I'm not clever - I'm a genius. — Michael J. Sullivan

[Artemis] returned to the aft bay for Mulch's version of a briefing.
The dwarf had drawn a crude diagram on a backlit wall panel. In fairness, there were more artistic chimpanzees. And less pungent ones. Mulch was using a carrot as a pointer, or more accurately, several carrots. Dwarfs liked carrots.
'This is Koboi Labs,' He mumbled around a mouthful of vegetable.
'That?' exclaimed Root.
'I realize, Julius, that it is not an accurate schematic.'
The Commander exploded from his chair. 'An accurate schematic? It's a rectangle for heaven's sake!'
Mulch was unperturbed. 'That's not important. This is the important bit.'
'That wobbly line?'
'It's a fissure,' pouted the dwarf. 'Anybody can see that.'
'Anybody in kindergarten maybe. So it's a fissure, so what?'
'This is the clever bit. Y'see that fissure is not usually there.'
Root began strangling the air again. Something he was doing more and more lately. — Eoin Colfer

To be clever in the afternoon argues that one is dining nowhere in the evening. — Saki

Clever is when one is crafty enough to mistake your imagination for intelligence. Smart is when one assumes they are too educated to notice the difference. — Kerry E. Wagner

I'm not trying to put you down, but even if I did, you'd have nowhere to go. — Aleksandra Ninkovic

Some say knowledge is power. Some tell us that all power comes from the gods. Others say it derives from law. Yet that day on the steps of Baelor's Sept, our godly High Septon and the lawful Queen Regent and your ever-so-knowledgeable servant were as powerless as any cobbler or cooper in the crowd. Who truly killed Eddard Stark, do you think? Joffrey, who gave the command? Ser Ilyn Payne, who swung the sword? Or ... another?"
Tyrion cocked his head sideways. "Did you mean to answer your damned riddle, or only to make my head ache worse?"
Varys smiled. "Here, then. Power resides where men believe it resides. No more and no less."
"So power is a mummer's trick?"
"A shadow on the wall," Varys murmured, "yet shadows can kill. And ofttimes a very small man can cast a very large shadow."
Tyrion smiled. "Lord Varyls, I am growing strangely fond of you. I may kill you yet, but I think I'd feel sad about it. — George R R Martin

You write poetry?" Klaus asked.
He had read a lot about poets but had never met one.
"Just a little bit," Isadora said modestly. "I write poems down in this notebook. It's an interest of mine."
"Sappho!" Sunny shrieked, which meant something like, "I'd be very pleased to hear a poem of yours! — Lemony Snicket

If you're going to have a book full of clever people and nobody ever jokes, it's just not going to ring true to the reader. That said, humor writing is the hardest kind of writing there is. — Patrick Rothfuss

He had a high-cheekboned face with steady gray eyes, a broad-bridged aquiline nose and a wide, thin mouth. It was the countenance of a man who was clever, as ruthless with himself as with others, possessed of courage and humor, who hid his weaknesses behind a mask of wit - and sometimes of affected coldness. — Anne Perry

A wolf is clever-clever-clever, and they are as faithful as a debt unpaid. — Tad Williams

If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever. — David Sedaris

Here lies clever Trevor;
Truth was not his friend.
He lied until the end;
Now, he'll lie forever. — Esther Spurrill Jones

JACK.
I am sick to death of cleverness. Everybody is clever nowadays. You can't go anywhere without meeting clever people. The thing has become an absolute public nuisance. I wish to goodness we had a few fools left.
ALGERNON.
We have.
JACK.
I should extremely like to meet them. What do they talk about?
ALGERNON.
The fools? Oh! about the clever people, of course.
JACK.
What fools! — Oscar Wilde

When she walked by the two officers, they didn't recognize her.
"Have you seen the luscious bonbon with the golden braids?"
She grinned up at them with such impish mischief that they almost forgot their quest for the singer. "She is with her lover," Hannah said. "But she can always handle one or two more." She winked at them. "Go there, through that door."
She made her escape while the uniformed hobbledehoys gawked and gaped and finally burst into the dressing room where Franz, the three-hundred-pound juggling strongman, was adjusting his loincloth.
"I ought not do it," Hannah said aloud to herself as chaos erupted behind her. "I just can't seem to help myself. it is a shame, really. — Laura L. Sullivan

What a newspaper needs in its news, in its headlines, and on its editorial page is terseness, humor, descriptive power, satire, originality, good literary style, clever condensation and accuracy, accuracy, accuracy. — Joseph Pulitzer

This isn't the first time I've used this, and the test subject showed no signs of impaired cognitive ability."
"Who was the test subject?" asked Aurora.
"I test everything out on myself before taking it into the field."
She stared at him. "You zapped your own brain?"
"And it didn't do me any harm apart from the dizziness and the vomiting spells and the weirdly persistent ringing in my ears. Also the blackouts and the mood swings and the creeping paranoia. Apart from that, zero side effects, if you don't count the numb fingertips. Which I don't. — Derek Landy

Well now, look at this, they keep winter in a box. That's clever, she congratulated me. Then she shut the fridge door ... — Andrew M. Greeley

This town, this country, this world, is full to the brim with clever people, and just look at it. Never been in such awful shape. Clever people don't give a damn about anybody but themselves. Too busy being clever. The world doesn't need anymore clever people. It needs people with wisdom. — Jon Steele

I hope your only rocky road is chocolate. — Amanda Mosher

Fyodor Pavlovich, for example, began with practically nothing, was a landowner of the very least important category, went trotting around other people's dinner tables, aspired to the rank of sponge, but at the moment of his decease turned out to possess something to the tune of one hundred thousand roubles in ready money. And yet at the same time he had persisted all his life in being one of the most muddle-headed madcaps in the whole of our district. I repeat: here there was no question of stupidity; the bulk of these madcaps are really quite sharp and clever - but plain muddle-headedness, and, moreover, of a peculiar, national variety. — Fyodor Dostoyevsky

To ugly ducklings everywhere,
Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:
They'll never get to be swans — Zoe Marriott

He had his head in hand hands, and his tie looked like it had been put on by an enemy, and was strangling him. — Caitlin Moran

You've met our guards." He gestured at the silent cylindrical guide. "The secret warriors: the binja. — China Mieville

A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch. — Mark Twain

Tru only matched his grin and walked on. Pen caught up with him, tugging on his arm. "What is it?"
"I took a walk yesterday when you were working."
"A walk."
"Yup."
"Had you shifted?"
"Yes, I had."
Pen caught his humor, although she couldn't understand its origins.
"And?"
"I may have used their freshwater reserves as a latrine. And then encouraged the other skinwalkers to do the same."
She giggled like a little girl being told a dirty joke.
"That's remarkably crude."
"I like to think of it as clever and resourceful."
"That, too. — Ellen Connor

Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times. — Patrick Rothfuss

Fine! He is being passive aggressive with me, and it's gonna backfire; I'm gonna be active friendly. — Natalya Vorobyova

I couldn't think of one clever way to stop this guy, so I just trusted to mindless violence. — Grant Morrison

How DARE the villainous cads be as clever as the heroes. — Mercedes Lackey

George Carlin is brilliant with words, and Johnny Winters is very creative. It's taking something common and drawing out the humor, being clever with words. — Bill Cosby

Why do you keep looking back there?" the guy in charge had asked.
"From time to time I need an antidote," Eddie said.
"From what?"
"Your face. — Stephen King

A book that is written for the quirky, mischievous, and decidedly irreverent-minded modern reader, Confessions from the Comments Section will appeal to anyone who enjoys a clever, no-holds-barred roast of our contemporary cultural chaos. — Jonathan Kieran

That cat was a spy. You had to take a pot shot at it. It was a very clever German midget dressed up in a cheap fur coat. — J.D. Salinger

His father was an ass and he is an ass. I imagine sooner than I should like I shall be playing uncle to a litter of asses. — T.A. Miles

Do what? Come up with a clever pun referencing Jerome's demonic status? The truth is, I usually keep a stash of them on hand and - — Richelle Mead

He smiled ostentatiously to show himself reasonable and nice. "I'm not saying that to be cruel and insulting," he continued with cruel and insulting delight. — Joseph Heller