Tara Sivec Quotes & Sayings

You're probably also wondering how in the hell I can possibly be twenty-five years old when just yesterday I was four. I know, it's a tough pill to swallow. I'm not a foul-mouthed, cute little kid anymore. I'm now a foul-mouthed, cute adult. — Tara Sivec

Liz asked me the other day what I thought about twice baked potatoes. How the fuck should I know? Was I supposed to be thinking about twice baked potatoes all this time? Is this where I went wrong? Are grown men supposed to have an opinion about twice baked potatoes? — Tara Sivec

I hope his penis falls off. I hope it rots and falls off inside of Miss Teen USA, therefore causing her perfect, twenty-two-year-old vagina to rot and fall out of her thong when she sneezes. — Tara Sivec

I remember that night fondly. And by fondly, I mean with bitter resentment toward all things alcoholic and with a penis. — Tara Sivec

I'd rather be a complete mess with you than spend another day shattered all over the floor alone. — Tara Sivec

Aaarrggg, ahoy me matey, thars a great grand vagina over yonder. Penises talk like pirates when I'm drunk. — Tara Sivec

No one likes an ugly crier. It's uncomfortable for all parties involved. — Tara Sivec

You can't use Eve as an excuse. Not this time. She's not here. It's just you, me, and a handful of people who just want to drink and listen to some good music. Stop being afraid for once in your fucking life. Stop listening to all of the voices in your head telling you why this is a bad idea and just listen to your heart. Bring out that firecracker I saw this morning that stood her ground, told me where to go, and smacked me across the face. — Tara Sivec

I'm not going to hold my breast for another invitiation - Jenny — Tara Sivec

I love Carter more than I ever thought possible, and he has proven to be the best father a woman could ever want for her son. But I swear to God, Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and Christ's childhood friend, Biff, that if he doesn't stop waking me up at four-fifty-eight in the morning, every fucking morning, with his buzz saw snoring, I am going to go David Carradine on his ass. — Tara Sivec

Because I'm pretty sure we conceived this child the night I ate that pot cookie. I'm eighty-four percent positive our child is going to be born a pot head. It's going to come out with dreadlocks and wearing a Bob Marley onesie. Its first word will probably be 'Whaaaaaazzzzzzzuuuuuup'. It's never, ever going to sleep through the night because it's always going to have the munchies. — Tara Sivec

I quickly tried to do the math but my brain was a jumbled mess and I couldn't remember what number comes after potato! — Tara Sivec

I never intended to be away from school that long, but I also never intended on a baby completely fucking up my life. Er, I mean, bringing me years of great joy. — Tara Sivec

I'm not a gynecologist but I'll take a look. — Tara Sivec

I love you more than a hooker loves free VD testing day at the clinic — Tara Sivec

My tits may be small, but they're deadly — Tara Sivec

They aren't skanks and they aren't stupid. I prefer to call them 'scantily-clad ladies with limited vocabulary. — Tara Sivec

When you were little and you were afraid of the boogey man, getting under the covers meant he couldn't see you or grab your foot while you were sleeping. True story. I figured the same rules applied with dead people watching you masturbate. — Tara Sivec

People in your life will let you down sometimes. It's a fact of life. What matters is how you handle it. — Tara Sivec

My ears perked up like a dog's again when she spoke and pointed in the general direction of the chick that smelled of Slim Jims.
I hope I don't start barking.
"Oh, please, like she doesn't know about the smell of meat products wafting from her lady parts. I think she rubs bologna down there to attract men. Lunch meat is her sex pheromone."
The brunette shook her head in irritation. "If I do a shot, will you please stop talking about Jade's disgusting vagina and never, ever use the word meat product in a sentence?"
"Woof!"
Three sets of eyes all turned to look at me.
"Did I just bark out loud?"
Three heads bobbed up and down in unison. — Tara Sivec

If you spelled George Morgan wrong on Google it didn't say, "Did you mean George Morgan?" It simply replied, "Run while you still have the chance. — Tara Sivec

You wouldn't know what the fuck to do in a dangerous situation if your life depended on it. And it would, little one. — Tara Sivec

Oh shit, the jig is up! HIDE THE COOKIES! — Tara Sivec

Just giving Jenny a last minute pep talk before the race," Drew informs him.
"There's no need for that, Claire is going to kick everyone's ass." Carter says.
Drew laughs and shakes his head. "Oh that's hilarious, limp dick! I know for a fact that Jenny will be the victor."
"The Victor? Who's Victor? Is that like some vibrator champion or something? Is the race named after this Victor guy?"
Claire pats my shoulder and just smiles at me. I guess she already knows about Victor. I'm always the last to know everything. — Tara Sivec

I'm a quirky, intelligent, dark haired chick! Me, me, me, pick me! And who the hell keeps whining and ruining my perfect moment? I will cut a bitch. — Tara Sivec

Why the fuck didn't anyone tell me that four-year-olds get woodys? I am not equipped to deal with this shit, Liz. — Tara Sivec

My dick instantly springs to life inside my jeans. I can't help it. When Lucy gets fired up, I get turned on. It's like some Pavlov's dog shit. — Tara Sivec

I was trying to figure out a way to tell him his love mayonnaise had mad skills and no one at this table could stop talking about vibrators. — Tara Sivec

I'm sorry I went away, but I DID find my way back to you and I'm never fucking leaving again." ... "It's always been you. It will ALWAYS, only be you, — Tara Sivec

I want to marry Mommy. We'll kiss and we'll marry and I'll take her on dates and we'll be best friends forever and make lots of phone calls with each other. — Tara Sivec

I'm going to kick down that fucking door at the end of the long, dark hallway and show everyone that I deserve the light. — Tara Sivec

As I recall, Drew made me take him to see a voodoo priestess he found in the yellow pages that week because he said the friend put a hex on his penis. For two weeks he slept with a two-pound package of boneless, skinless chicken breasts on his junk since he refused to sacrifice a live chicken. — Tara Sivec

My father had bought him a shirt
that said Sure you can date my daughter. In a completely unrelated topic,
have you seen my shotgun? — Tara Sivec

YOU ARE BOTH DEAD TO ME!" I shout.
"Then this is me, speaking from beyond the grave when I remind you to trim your bush while you're at it. No man needs to choke on a hairball!" Beattie yells back from down the hall. — Tara Sivec

He looks at you like you're the key to his soul and like he wants to devour you. — Tara Sivec

Getting a group of rowdy, blue-collar workers together in one room and putting in a tape that shows a guy in a leisure suit putting his hand on his secretary's ass and you've got complete and total anarchy, ladies and gentleman. — Tara Sivec

If I keep sampling the goods like this my ass is going to grow another cheek to make room for all the fat. — Tara Sivec

It's my fucking business when I've had my face buried between your thighs and can still taste you on my tongue. — Tara Sivec

Son of a bitch, Kenny G! You put everyone to sleep but my son. The ONE thing you had going for you and now it's gone to shit. — Tara Sivec

Absence makes the dick grow fonder, isn't that what they say? — Tara Sivec

Mom, do you have pot hanging from the ceiling? — Tara Sivec

I would do anything for him, even if it meant sacrificing something of myself. — Tara Sivec

I changed my mind. Maybe I do want a black hole for a vagina. How bad could it be? I wouldn't need to carry a purse anymore. I could just shove things up my twat. 'Oh, you need a pen? Hold on, let me check in my vagina. What's that you say? Do I have a flashlight? Let me stick my hand up my vag and find out.' Let's go home. We could do a home birth in the bathtub. It might be a tight squeeze but I bet we could both fit in there. — Tara Sivec

Do not enter, closed for repairs, zombies will eat your face if you try to touch this vagina. — Tara Sivec

I shouldn't be allowed to think when I'm drinking. — Tara Sivec

I turned around to see Jim standing in the aisle with a smirk and a box of tampons in his hand.
Very funny asshole. Looks like you're on the rag this week. Make sure to get yourself some Midol and a copy of Terms of Endearment so you can have yourself a good cry. — Tara Sivec

Pussy punch: when a twat tap just isn't enough — Tara Sivec

He wanted to drown in her and shout at the top of his lungs that she was his. It was always her, only her. — Tara Sivec

Oh, sweetie, you are a jackass. I love you, but you are dumber than a one legged duck in an ass kicking contest when pigs fly. — Tara Sivec

I love my best friends, but sometimes, I want to punch them in the face. Lovingly, of course. — Tara Sivec

Well fuck me gently with a chainsaw, — Tara Sivec

It's mind-blowing and delicious and better
than finding a pot of gold, a unicorn, and a leprechaun who shits diamonds at
the end of a rainbow. — Tara Sivec

Gavin, come on. Mommy doesn't feel good," I complained.
He stopped bouncing and leaned forward to sprawl his body out on top of me, putting his face right up to mine.
"Do you want me ta' beat up your friends, Mommy?" he whispered conspiratorially.
I removed my hands from my head and opened my eyes to look at him.
"What are you talking about, Gav?"
He brought his hands up and put them on my chest, resting his chin on top.
"Your friends, Mommy. The ones who maded you sick," he said in a voice that clearly screamed, "Duh. — Tara Sivec

I've been rendered dumb by waist indents and a tiny hint of dark, happy trail hair under his belly button that could double as an arrow pointing down to his crotch like one of those giant, blinking signs on the highway announcing road construction. Warning! Slow Down! Large Package in Pants Ahead! $200 Fine and Possible Loss of All Brain Function if Barrier is Crossed! — Tara Sivec

I want to reach in my pants, pull out my virginity, wrap it up and put a bow on it. Or maybe stick it in a gift bag from Target and give it to him like a present with a nice card that says, Thank you for being you! Just a little virginity to show you may gratitude! — Tara Sivec

You are always the light in my darkness. You're the reason I'm alive, you're the reason I'm here and you're the reason I breathe, every day. — Tara Sivec

I am plenty romantic. Just this morning while he slept, I had left Carter a box of his favorite candy next to his pillow - Globs: piles of white chocolate covered, crushed potato chips and pretzels drizzled with caramel. I figured it would soften him up to the note I placed next to the box telling him if he left the toilet seat up one more time and my ass got an involuntary bath at six in the morning, I would put super glue on the head of his penis while he slept. I had even signed the note with a couple of Xs and Os. Who says romance is dead? — Tara Sivec

I should ask her to marry me now. If I do it while she's coming, she probably won't be able to say no. It would be physically impossible. Like performing a sex exorist. THE POWER OF THE ORGASM COMPELS YOU! — Tara Sivec

It's easy fixing other people's problems. It's my own that can suck it. — Tara Sivec

I thought I was having a heart attack. I couldn't breathe. I didn't know much, but I did know the rules about owning a dick. Rule number one: It should never bleed. Rule number two: There was no rule number two. IT SHOULD NEVER BLEED. — Tara Sivec

Oh my God, I sent a picture of my boobs to Jim," I moaned as a fresh wave of nausea rolled through me.
"You also threw up in the emergency room parking lot, called Drew and told him you were the Donkey Punch Dick Queen and filled out a Last Will and Testament on a Burger King napkin and then asked the drive-thru worker to notarize it. — Tara Sivec

To get to the good, sometimes you have to live through the bad. — Tara Sivec

He's been hung up on a one-night-stand he had five years ago with a girl that smelled like Cocoa Puffs. — Tara Sivec

Someday, down the line, I'm going to marry you by that lighthouse. We'll just renew our vows or something, I tell her. — Tara Sivec

I suddenly had a vision of my sperm swimming around and talking in Bruce Willis's voice like in Look Who's Talking. Come on! Swim faster! This little shit has no idea we escaped from the condom! Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker! — Tara Sivec

It was all fun and games until someone else's dick was in your girlfriend's TMJ mouth — Tara Sivec

It all just depends on the person you're with. If you can look at that person and know without a doubt that you want to spend the rest of your life kissing them goodnight and waking up next to them, marriage is for you. — Tara Sivec

It's easy to forgive someone for the hurt they've caused you. Forgetting is impossible. — Tara Sivec

I just wanted to hear him speak again. His voice made me want to take my pants off. — Tara Sivec

Climbing into bed, I slide my hands behind my head and stare up at the ceiling.
I have no idea who my father is.
I just had anal!
But I have no idea who my father is.
ANAL, MOTHERFUCKER!
Shit, I hate being so conflicted. — Tara Sivec

Monster. Help. Popsicle scary — Tara Sivec

Will you stop calling it 'stalking'? That's such a harsh term. I prefer 'anonymous following. — Tara Sivec

I DON'T EVEN FUCKING LIKE GREEN EGGS! — Tara Sivec

This is supposed to be a surprise - a huge, life-changing surprise that could make or break our future. Or my kneecaps if George decides he really does hate me. — Tara Sivec

Oh fuck, he was right there. I was wet as hell and he could probably smell me now. I should have eaten strawberries or melon or a dozen roses or an entire mint plant. Did that work for women? I read an article that it worked for men. Their spunk tasted like what they ate. Did my vagina taste like spaghetti right now? God dammit! I shouldn't have eaten dinner! — Tara Sivec

Yes, and in just a few minutes, a dIck will be able to find your vagina without needing night vision goggles and a weed whacker. — Tara Sivec

I don't give a rat's ass what Garrett's favorite color is. And for the record, I have a vagina, so I'm well aware of the fact I can look hot without looking slutty. — Tara Sivec

What are you smiling about? Do you have gas?" Drew joked.
"Hey, Mommy, Carter has a HUGE wiener," Gavin said around a mouthful of cookie, holding his
hands up in the air about three feet apart, like you do when you're telling someone how big the fish is you
just caught.
Claire quickly reached over and pushed Gavin's arms down while everyone else at the table laughed.
I just sat back and smiled and tried to keep my anaconda penis tucked under the table so it wouldn't scare
anyone. — Tara Sivec

I'm sorry, but why does Claire know how to take a punch? I'm not sure I like where this is going," Carter said nervously.
"Well, last year Jim made us watch Fight Club for like, the ten- thousandth time. And while I'm all for a little shirtless Brad Pitt action, Claire and I decided to take a shot every time Edward Norton talked in third person. By about twenty minutes in, we were trashed. I don't know whose idea it was, but Claire and I started our own fight club in the living room," Liz explained.
"It was your idea, Liz. You stood up in front of me, lifted your shirt and said "Punch me in the stomach as hard as you can, fucker. — Tara Sivec

In fact, gone are the days of having sex at all. I have resorted to jerking off alone in the bathroom after my wife's asleep. It's a sad, lonely existence when you have to take your cell phone into the shitter so you don't wake your wife when you pull up the YouPorn app and crank one out. The worst part is the SpongeBob SquarePants shower curtain in the bathroom. Do you know how difficult it is to keep an erection while SpongeBob is staring at you with his big, googly eyes and you keep hearing the song "Jellyfishin', Jellyfishin', Jellyfishin" in your head? — Tara Sivec

And tell me you didn't take him out in public today with that shirt on."
We both look at Gavin's shirt that boldly states, "They shake me. — Tara Sivec

Yes, the answer is yes! If he keeps talking to me like that he can stick it in my ear. — Tara Sivec

Loving you meant loving every part of you, the good and the bad, the easy and the hard. — Tara Sivec

Your tits are like Bounty. The quicker dick picker upper. — Tara Sivec

I don't give a fuck who can hear us, Garrett said angrily. This one's for me. — Tara Sivec

Yeah, you like that? You like it when Big Papa gives you his hot and juicy wiener?" I pant, my hips hammering against her. Her fists yank my hair, pulling my head away from her neck so hard that I see stars. "Ow! What the fuck?" I complain as she gives me a dirty look. "You cannot say shit like that when we're fucking. You Just can't," she warns me, letting out a low groan when I shift my hips and grind my pubic bone against her clit.
"What's wrong with a little dirty talk? I thought you'd like it." "I like dirty talk. I LOVE dirty talk. What you're doing is not dirty talk. It's 'weird as fuck' talk. Repeat after me: I love fucking you, your pussy is so tight," Ava demands. (Well, damn, that was hot. I kind of wish I had a vagina right now). — Tara Sivec

Another good thing about Legos(LIFE). If it falls apart, it doesn't mean it's destroyed. It just means you have to pick up the pieces and start again. — Tara Sivec

I was going to have to tell people I got fired from selling dildos. I can't even sell fake cocks to a room full or horny women. How do you come back from that shit? — Tara Sivec

I gained fifty-six pounds when I was pregnant with him. Do you have any idea what it's like to look down and not be able to see your vagina?"
"Uh, no," I muttered.
"My ass had its own zip code. — Tara Sivec

What the fuck is that?" I ask Uncle Drew as he walks up to us. "That, my little asshole, is a screaming goat. Molly showed me this awesome video on YouTube and I had to get one," Uncle Drew says with a huge smile. "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Uncle Drew turns around and points proudly to a little black and white goat tied to one of Aunt Liz and Uncle Jim's trees. "Isn't she cute? Her name is Taylor Swift." "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" the goat screams as she looks right at us. "I don't even understand what is happening right now," I reply with a shake of my head. "I've been trying to teach her - " "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" "How to sing a - " "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" "Song, but she never comes in at the right - " "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! — Tara Sivec

A few seconds of silence lapse, and I knew Carter was waiting for me to mention the huge "I'm pregnant" elephant in the room. Fuck that elephant! he can just sit there in the corner eating peanuts and shitting on the tile while giving me looks of disgust. — Tara Sivec

I've heard some strange noises every once in a while late at night and always wondered if the house is haunted. I bet it is. I bet that freaky little fucker wants to watch us have sex. Fine with me, buddy, enjoy the show. Just don't touch my ass at all during the event or I will call the Winchester brothers from Supernatural. Dean and Sam will fuck you up! I had a strange hand touch my ass one time in college during a threesome, and that's just something you don't get over. Random ass touching scares me more than spiders. — Tara Sivec

They pray so much I can almost imagine Jesus himself sitting up there on a white puffy cloud saying, "Oh for the love of my dad, shut the fuck up already. I heard you the first eleven times. — Tara Sivec

Really? Because I recall you asking the Elvis impersonator at your Vegas wedding if he could add a line to Jenny's vows that said, 'I promise to always give blow jobs with a smile on my face and love in my heart, — Tara Sivec

Oh, please. I heard barnyard animal noises coming from your room the other night and someone shouting 'Pull my reins, bitch!' I realize you're twenty-one-years old and theoretically an adult, but if I have to hear that shit one more time when I'm trying to sleep, I will beat you like a red-headed step child," she warns. — Tara Sivec

This is what you do to me, Layla. Every second I'm with within a hundred yards of you, I'm rockhard. — Tara Sivec

I hate every moment that I'm away from her, but I will do whatever it takes to find the man she once loved and bring him back to her. — Tara Sivec

The mind is a great and powerful thing, bisected with hallways of darkness and corners of light. Memories can alternately fill your life with joy and happiness and cloud every moment with nightmares and fear, making you second-guess all of the good things and wonder if they were ever real. — Tara Sivec

Are you really going back there with me?" I ask.
"Hell yes I am. Your wish is finally coming true. I will see your vagina. Plus, I really want to see the look on that woman's face when she gets a peek at your plethora of pubes. Your copious curls, your abundant bush, the wild mane that if it sees a spark will start a forest fire," she states.
"Are you finished?" I ask irritably.
"I think so. But give me five minutes and I might be able to get one more in. — Tara Sivec

And if something doesn't fit, if one of your pieces just isn't working, you can put it aside and find another one. There are so many pieces to work with that you don't have to try and force one in where it doesn't belong. You may not need that piece right now, and it may not be helping you right at this moment, but that doesn't mean it isn't important and won't fit somewhere else down the line when you need it more. — Tara Sivec