Sarah Silverman Quotes & Sayings

When you're a comic, it's like being born gay. It's what you want to do every night when your other friends are out at night going to parties. — Sarah Silverman

Jews, black people - any people who are hated or who have suffered, either as individuals or as a people - use humour. It is a survival skill. — Sarah Silverman

Also, I learned whether you are gay, bisexual, it doesn't matter, you know ... because, at the end of the day, they're both gross. But mostly, I learned that elderly black women are wise beyond their years ... but younger black women are prostitutes. — Sarah Silverman

I don't compromise. I only do the stuff I want to do. — Sarah Silverman

I think the difference between being miserable and finding happiness is just a matter of perspective. If you live your life defining yourself by what other people think of you, it's a form of self-torture. — Sarah Silverman

And we're just all made of molecules and we're hurtling through space right now. — Sarah Silverman

I happen to think that there are already tons of perfectly good babies out there already born. — Sarah Silverman

The first time I did stand-up I was 17, and I was really a stand-up once I was 19 in New York, and now I'm 41, and I still feel like I haven't found myself onstage. Earlier in my career, I was really tight, really together, and knew who I was and I was confident. — Sarah Silverman

Look, I get it. Loose stools are grosser than solid ones. But the censor is using the context of her own life history with all her hang-ups to answer the question, Is there a defensible ratio of fiber to water in this stool? — Sarah Silverman

I can't cater to everyone's needs and what they're going to be offended by; that's one freedom I have. — Sarah Silverman

The worst thing that can happen for people who don't want women to be strong is that we help each other and become a force. — Sarah Silverman

I have no religion, but I can't escape being extremely Jewish ethnically - that is, culturally. In other words, I'm not religious, but I worry and I'm neurotic. And I'm very good with money. — Sarah Silverman

I still have highs and lows, maybe I don't cry salty tears as much. — Sarah Silverman

If life is a meal, then diaries are the toilets in which we shit out its vile remnants. — Sarah Silverman

I hope the Jews did kill Christ, I'd do it again in a second. — Sarah Silverman

Don't tell girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. Because it would have never occurred to them that they couldn't. It's like saying, 'Hey, when you get in the shower, I'm not gonna read your diary.' 'Wait
are you gonna read my diary?' 'No! I said I'm not gonna read your diary. Go take a shower!' — Sarah Silverman

I like my messiness on stage, though I watch comics who come at a joke from every angle and I think, 'Yeah! That's how it's done!' But for me it's the audience. If I feel connected to them, I have so much fun, and if not, it stinks. — Sarah Silverman

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them. — Sarah Silverman

I'm very lucky in that I still experience highs and lows and I think those lows are important, but I am not totally paralyzed and it keeps me from just complete state of paralysis emotionally and almost physically. — Sarah Silverman

I like my life alone. I mean, I love being with friends, and I love kissing and loving someone to pieces. But it's hard to find someone who doesn't ultimately start judging you and your choices. — Sarah Silverman

I don't want to be a facilitator for other funny people. It doesn't seem smart for me to be in a comedy and not be funny. My spirit can't take it. — Sarah Silverman

I remember my first standup act when I was seventeen; I did a really lame song about being flat chested. I was doing it in New York, and I remember Kevin Brennan, the guy I lost my virginity to, was like "That song doesn't make sense, you have tits." — Sarah Silverman

I was sent to sleepover camp since I was 6, and you know, it's a recipe for disaster. — Sarah Silverman

You want to make people laugh and by virtue of that please them, but when you're instructed to make people laugh and please them, you're too resentful to do it. — Sarah Silverman

I buy water at the liquor store across the street from where I live. So I'm walking into the door, and standing, loitering, outside the door is a man. And I walk by him to go in, and he says, I want pussy! Now, I don't want to seem conceited or anything, but he was talking about me! — Sarah Silverman

One thing I learned over the years since then is that the hours you work on a show are directly related to the happiness of the head writer's marriage. — Sarah Silverman

I looked up at this train car full of strangers, and my heart soared. In New Hampshire, I'd always felt like a goat among sheep; until I got to New York it had never occurred to me that there could be a place filled with other goats. — Sarah Silverman

In terms of television and movies, I've been really interested in seeing the partnership of comedy and beauty and heart. I think they can go together really well and really thoughtfully. But, I'm a total one-hour drama addict. I think when you're a comedian, you tend towards dramas because that's the less stressful thing to watch. — Sarah Silverman

The female nudity in movies is always sexualized. — Sarah Silverman

If you take a shower with your boyfriend, I guarantee by the time you step out of that shower, your breasts will be sparkling clean. — Sarah Silverman

You might think that the most sensitive, empathetic person would make the best social worker, but that person would end up being soup on the floor. It really takes someone strong - someone, dare I say, with a big fat wall up - to work in a pool of heartbreak all day and not want to fucking kill yourself. — Sarah Silverman

[I'm] almost positive there is no God. — Sarah Silverman

I was Minnie Mouse for Halloween, every year when I was little. Then, I had the Cinderella nightgown, when I was really little, that I begged my mother to wear to school. I was also Snow White a lot. — Sarah Silverman

I can see myself adopting. I'm not in a rush to do it. I'm 39, I know, but I do love kids, and I'm very good - I've got a lot of really good moves. — Sarah Silverman

I'm always writing; I'm always jotting things down on paper or making notes in my iPhone. Then I'll make myself sit down and kind of shape it up, but there's really no other way to practice other than onstage. — Sarah Silverman

I learned that people in wheelchairs are allowed to have marathons ... which, to me, seems like cheating, but what are you gonna say? — Sarah Silverman

Jews are the most liberal, scrappy, civil-rightsy people there are. — Sarah Silverman

The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager. — Sarah Silverman

I can only speak from my own experience, and I would say that the depression I experienced feels like a chemical change. When it came over me, when it comes over me, it feels like it's coming over me like a flu. — Sarah Silverman

If you are truly offended by an 80-year-old man saying you're not funny, then you're probably not funny. — Sarah Silverman

Making my family laugh when I was little - it became an addiction. It was a kind of survival. — Sarah Silverman

She, uh, came out of the closet recently, my niece. Um ... She announced to the family that she's a lesbian and ... She's seven, did I mention that? And, uh, I don't even know if she knows what a lesbian is, but I support her completely. And, uh ... I'll tell you what's heartbreaking. My sister punished her for it. Can you believe that? No pussy for a week. Which to us may not sound like ... But when you're seven, you know, a week is a long time. — Sarah Silverman

I remember when I got a part on 'Seinfeld' it was like an out of body experience, I was so excited. — Sarah Silverman

In your twenties, I think you should have all of the sex that you're inclined to have, as long as you're safe about it. Use condoms and everything. Go with your instincts. This is the time to have a lot of sex and do drugs. But make sure you live through it. — Sarah Silverman

I'm not the marrying type, but I always want to be with someone who is a fan. — Sarah Silverman

I have very vivid dreams - almost always action-adventure. I'm often on the run. I've always had dreams. When I was little, I'd go to sleep with my head on my hands, which were in fists like I was looking through a camera. I felt like sleep was the movies - just drifting off to the movies. — Sarah Silverman

By the time I would have graduated, at 22, I was a writer and featured performer on Saturday Night Live. — Sarah Silverman

I love making videos on my couch. You can put those on the Internet fast. I can express myself. — Sarah Silverman

I was paralyzed with fear. It was unbearable to be among other kids who were just standing around being fine. It was one of the many inconveniences of this paradox I lived with -the more people I was surrounded by, the more frighteningly alone I felt. — Sarah Silverman

The good news is hopeful doesn't mean dumb. The bad news is cynical doesn't mean smart. — Sarah Silverman

Sometimes a joke that doesn't work just needs a breath or a little word or the tiniest little change to be fixed. — Sarah Silverman

I'm sympathetic to the nuns' violent impulses. I mean, if I'd given up sex to devote myself to a man who I had to just trust loved me, despite never being physically around to prove it, I'd probably be smacking little children too. — Sarah Silverman

I remember the horror story that I told myself over and over again. I'm totally alone in my body. I'm totally alone in my head and nobody will ever see through my eyes. I'm just completely alone. — Sarah Silverman

I'll be back. I'll be black. I'll be white black. — Sarah Silverman

I started out in clubs, and I've always liked clubs. I like theaters because people are there for the show. — Sarah Silverman

One of the greatest things my therapist said to me ... and it really blew my mind in the greatest way, he just said, "Look in the mirror less." — Sarah Silverman

I love going to weddings. And I love it when my friends get married. I'm not against marriage but it's just not for me. I'm a vegetarian, but I don't have a problem if you want a hamburger. — Sarah Silverman

If I have kids, I'll adopt. — Sarah Silverman

When I was three, my dad thought it would be hilarious to teach me swear words, then have me say them to his friends. They would laugh and laugh. I realize now the laugh was pure shock value, but it felt really good, and I've been chasing it ever since. — Sarah Silverman

When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS. — Sarah Silverman

It fills me with a weird rage to wear shoes that make me not able to walk easily or run if I had to. It feeds into this whole 'war on women' thing in my head. — Sarah Silverman

I just look like a transvestite when I try to dress up. There's no place to hide my balls. — Sarah Silverman

I had a lot of depression as a kid. — Sarah Silverman

Everyone's got their own velocity, and there's no real time frame with comedy. — Sarah Silverman

Now you're in a meeting. — Sarah Silverman

I think when you're 25 you're still finding yourself, and you should have the freedom of that. — Sarah Silverman

If I were somebody else looking at my character, I'd be like, "She's beautiful." I'm practicing. I'm not succeeding. — Sarah Silverman

Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks. — Sarah Silverman

And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school. — Sarah Silverman

HE BROKE HIS NOSE GIVING A FAKE BLOWJOB. Holy shit. I love that story with every part of me. — Sarah Silverman

I'm Jewish, but I'm totally not. — Sarah Silverman

Everyone self-Googles. And, I have, of course, the Google alert. — Sarah Silverman

All comics want to be musicians. There's a part of me that wants to be a serious musician. I love songs about heartache and heartbreak. — Sarah Silverman

I don't think there is a woman in her 40s who doesn't, kind of, examine herself in the mirror ... — Sarah Silverman

I was always the class clown; I made my family laugh, and that was when I was always happiest. I grew up listening to stand-up comedians' albums and watching them on TV, on 'The Tonight Show' and Letterman. — Sarah Silverman

If women could ejaculate, I would have exploded hot jizz all over my manager's face. Instead, I hugged him. (about getting the SNL gig as a writer) — Sarah Silverman

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing. — Sarah Silverman

When my father first came home from college, he sat my grandparents down to tell them some very serious news. They followed him quizzically into the living room, and from the bantam couch stared up at their nervous, pacing son.
"I'm gay," he announced.
They sat stunned for a moment, and just as his mother started to cry he said,
"Just kidding. I smoke. — Sarah Silverman

That's not to say that I don't find anything offensive. — Sarah Silverman

I love children. I'm embarrassingly baby-crazy. — Sarah Silverman

Summer camp: the second worst camp for Jews. — Sarah Silverman

I would pretend that I was in a glass box - that I was in this glass container that no one could see, and it protected me. At night I would open the door and get out of the box to go to bed. In the morning, I stepped into it and closed the latch. I dreamed that I would somehow be transported - that all this sadness and fear would actually fuel this glass box and carry me home. — Sarah Silverman

Drew Friedman isn't just a brilliant artist. He takes you to a place. He takes you back in time. He makes you smell the stale cigarettes and cold brisket and you say, thank you for the pleasure. — Sarah Silverman

Dear America, when you tell gay Americans that they can't serve their country openly or marry the person that they love, you're telling that to kids too. So don't be f**king shocked and wonder where all these bullies are coming from that are torturing young kids and driving them to kill themselves because they're different; they learned it from watching you. — Sarah Silverman

I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games. — Sarah Silverman

They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle. — Sarah Silverman

I will always try to be happy. I don't think people really understand the value of happiness until they know what it's like to be in that very, very dark place. It's not romantic. Not even a little. — Sarah Silverman

I gave him a compliment! All right, I told him he probably would've made, like, a really expensive slave in the, like, in the olden-timey days. — Sarah Silverman

In the big picture, life has a gap in it. It just does. You don't go crazy trying to fill it. — Sarah Silverman

My dad was a bedwetter; I think his dad was a bedwetter. I like to talk about it because it's something that I thought would be my deepest, darkest secret my whole life, and then you become an adult, and it's not. — Sarah Silverman

I've never had an abortion. And I don't know if I would. But, it doesn't mean that I wouldn't fight to the death for women to make their own choices for their own human bodies. — Sarah Silverman

It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as powerful or harmless as the emotion behind it. — Sarah Silverman

I don't wanna be labeled as straight or labeled as gay. I just want people to look at me and see me as white. — Sarah Silverman

Growing up, I always loved Disney movies, but the first movie I remember seeing is 'Sleepers,' so I wasn't really taken to children's movies. — Sarah Silverman

I think fake boobs have done great things for real boobs. I think people finally appreciate real boobs. People like real boobs. I do. I also enjoy the fact that they are life-nourishers. — Sarah Silverman

What are the chances there is a God, really? — Sarah Silverman

You're supposed to have friends you can tell anything to. — Sarah Silverman

It's really stupid to defend your own jokes. That is for other people to do if they choose to. — Sarah Silverman

I don't really care for, like, fat jokes about women, specifically. — Sarah Silverman

I learned pretty early is I never defend my material; it's for other people to if someone is offended. It's so subjective, and if you don't find it funny, it's definitely going to be offensive. — Sarah Silverman