Robert Benchley Quotes & Sayings

One, two, three / Buckle my shoe. — Robert Benchley

The knocking out of a pipe can be made almost as important as the smoking of it, especially if there are nervous people in the room. A good, smart knock of a pipe against a tin wastebasket and you will have a neurasthenic out of his chair and into the window sash in no time. — Robert Benchley

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini? — Robert Benchley

I haven't been abroad in so long that I almost speak English without an accent now. — Robert Benchley

England and America should scrap cricket and baseball and come up with a new game that they both can play. Like baseball, for example. — Robert Benchley

One cubic foot less of space and it would have constituted adultery. — Robert Benchley

The English language may hold a more disagreeable combination of words than "The doctor will see you now." I am willing to concede something to the phrase "Have you anything to say before the current is turned on?" That may be worse for the moment, but it doesn't last so long. For continued, unmitigating depression, I know nothing to equal "The doctor will see you now." But I'm not narrow-minded about it. I'm willing to consider other possibilities. — Robert Benchley

This congestion in the post offices is due to what are technically known as "regulations" but what are really a series of acrostics and anagrams devised by some officials who got around a table one night and tried to be funny. — Robert Benchley

But compared with the task of selecting a piece of French pastry held by an impatient waiter a move in chess is like reaching for a salary check in its demand on the contemplative faculties. — Robert Benchley

The most common of all antagonisms arises from a man's taking a seat beside you on the train, a seat to which he is completely entitled. — Robert Benchley

Streets flooded. Please advise. — Robert Benchley

Great literature must spring from an upheaval in the author's soul. If that upheaval is not present then it must come from the works of any other author which happens to be handy and easily adapted. — Robert Benchley

There is probably not more than one hundred dollars in cash in circulation today. That is, if you were to call in all the bills and silver and gold in the country at noon tomorrow and pile them on the table, you would find that you had just about one hundred dollars, with perhaps several Canadian pennies and a few peppermint Life Savers. — Robert Benchley

I am both a public and a private school boy myself, having always changed schools just as the class in English in the new school was taking up Silas Marner, with the result that it was the only book in the English language that I knew until I was eighteen
but, boy, did I know Silas Marner! — Robert Benchley

All that a spectator gets out of the game is fresh air, the comical articles in his program, the sight of twenty-two young men rushing about in mysterious formations, and whatever he brought in his flask. — Robert Benchley

But ice-crunching and loud gum-chewing, together with drumming on tables, and whistling the same tune 70 times in succession, because they indicate an indifference on the part of the perpetrator to the rest of the world in general, are not only registered on the delicate surfaces of the brain but eat little holes in it until it finally collapses or blows up. — Robert Benchley

You won't find one fish in a million that has enough sense to come in when it rains. — Robert Benchley

The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon. — Robert Benchley

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing. — Robert Benchley

The wise man thinks once before he speaks twice. — Robert Benchley

I never knew anyone yet who got up at six who did anything more useful between that time and breakfast than banging a tennis ballup against the side of the house, waiting for the more civilized members of the party to get up. — Robert Benchley

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of. — Robert Benchley

Sheer madness is, of course, the highest possible brow in humor. — Robert Benchley

Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of dying, he sings. — Robert Benchley

Most personal correspondence of today consists of letters the first half of which are given over to an indexed statement of why the writer hasn't written before, followed by one paragraph of small talk, with the remainder devoted to reasons why it is imperative that the letter be brought to a close. — Robert Benchley

The Great Arizona Desert is full of the bleaching bones of people who waited for me to start something. — Robert Benchley

The Ultimate Day really begins the night before, when you sit up until one o'clock trying to get things into trunk and bags. This is when you discover the well-known fact that summer air swells articles to twice or three times their original size. — Robert Benchley

There are two kinds of travel: first class and with children. — Robert Benchley

When we think back to our forefathers, with their sedentary lives of forest-chopping, railroad-building, fortune-founding, their fox-hunting and Indian taming, their prancing about in the mazurka and the polka, with their coattails flying and their bustles bouncing, to say nothing of their all-day sessions with the port and straight bourbon, ... we must realize that we are a nation, not of neurasthenics, but of sissies and slow-motion sports. — Robert Benchley

In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition. — Robert Benchley

The problem of what to wear while lolling about the house on a Sunday afternoon is becoming more and more acute as the fashions in lolling garments change. The American home is in danger of taking on the appearance of an Oriental bordello. — Robert Benchley

There is probably no moment more appalling than that in which the tongue comes suddenly upon the ragged edge of a space from which the old familiar filling has disappeared. — Robert Benchley

I can't quite define my aversion to asking questions of strangers. From snatches of family battles which I have heard drifting up from railway stations and street corners, I gather that there are a great many men who share my dislike for it, as well as an equal number of women who ... believe it to be the solution to most of this world's problems. — Robert Benchley

There seems to be a common strain of miserliness in the American people when it comes to throwing away toothpaste tubes which havea little left in the bottom. — Robert Benchley

Next to a shot of some good, habit-forming narcotic, there is nothing like travelling alone as a 'builder-upper. — Robert Benchley

My only solution for the problem of habitual accidents is to stay in bed all day. Even then, there is always the chance that you will fall out. — Robert Benchley

Streets full of water. Please Advise. — Robert Benchley

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry. — Robert Benchley

An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens. — Robert Benchley

I can get dressed earlier in the evening with every intention of going to a dance at midnight, but somehow after the theatre the thing to do seems to be either to go to bed or sit around somewhere. It doesn't seem possible that somewhere people can be expecting you at an hour like that. — Robert Benchley

But a dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down
very important traits in times like these. In fact, just as soon as a dog comes along who, in addition to these qualities, also knows when to buy and sell stocks, he can be moved right up to the boy's bedroom and the boy can sleep in the dog house. — Robert Benchley

There is a note in the front of the volume saying that no public reading may be given without first getting the author's permission. It ought to be made much more difficult to do than that. — Robert Benchley

For most visitors to Manhattan, both foreign and domestic, New York is the Shrine of the Good Time. "I don't see how you stand it," they often say to the native New Yorker who has been sitting up past his bedtime for a week in an attempt to tire his guest out. "It's all right for a week or so, but give me the little old home town when it comes to living." And, under his breath, the New Yorker endorses the transfer and wonders himself how he stands it. — Robert Benchley

I can remember the day when all that a professor was supposed to do was to mark "C minus" on students' examination papers, then gohome to tea. Nowadays they seem to feel that they must know just how much we (outside the university) eat, what we do with our spare time, and how we like our eggs. — Robert Benchley

If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from. — Robert Benchley

There is no such place as Budapest. Perhaps you are thinking of Bucharest, and there is no such place as Bucharest, either. — Robert Benchley

New York - The city where the people from Oshkosh look at the people from Dubuque in the next theater seats and say These New Yorkers don't dress any better than we do. — Robert Benchley

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. — Robert Benchley

[Reviewing the New York City Telephone Directory] But it is the opinion of the present reviewer that the weakness of plot is due to the great number of characters which clutter up the pages. The Russian school is responsible for this. — Robert Benchley

I never liked bananas much anyway. Two-thirds of the way down even one banana I am willing to concede defeat smilingly and give the rest to the nearest monkey. — Robert Benchley

If there is a streak of ham anywhere in an actor, Shakespeare will bring it out. — Robert Benchley

Central Park is the grandiose symbol of the front yard each child in New York hasn't got. — Robert Benchley

One of the great natural phenomena is the way in which a tube of toothpaste suddenly empties itself when it hears that you are planning a trip, so that when you come to pack it is just a twisted shell of its former self, with not even a cubic millimeter left to be squeezed out. — Robert Benchley

A man gets on a train with his little boy, and gives the conductor only one ticket. 'How old's your kid?' the conductor says, and the father says, 'He's four years old.' 'He looks at least twelve to me,' says the conductor. And the father says, 'Can I help it if he worries? — Robert Benchley

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him. — Robert Benchley

Charlemagne either died or was born or did something with the Holy Roman Empire in 800. — Robert Benchley

It is rather to be chosen than great riches, unless I have omitted something from the quotation. — Robert Benchley

At fifteen one is first beginning to realize that everything isn't money and power in this world, and is casting about for joys that do not turn to dross in one's hands. — Robert Benchley

The way to go to the circus, however, is with someone who has seen perhaps one theatrical performance before in his life and that in the High School hall ... The scales of sophistication are struck from your eyes and you see in the circus a gathering of men and women who are able to do things as a matter of course which you couldn't do if your life depended on it. — Robert Benchley

Other men wear white suits in summer and it doesn't seem to bother them. But my white suit seems to be a little whiter than theirs. I think also that it may have something written on the back of it, although I can't find it when I take the suit off. — Robert Benchley

We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born. — Robert Benchley

The free-lance writer is one who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps. — Robert Benchley

Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling just a bit unchivalrous. — Robert Benchley

My first big mistake was made when, in a moment of weakness, I consented to learn the game; for a man who can frankly say "I do not play bridge" is allowed to go over in the corner and run the pianola by himself, while the poor neophyte, no matter how much he may protest that he isn't "at all a good player, in fact I'm perfectly rotten," is never believed, but dragged into a game where it is discovered, too late, that he spoke the truth. — Robert Benchley

People who begin sentences with "I may be old-fashioned but - " are usually not only old-fashioned but wrong. — Robert Benchley

She sleeps alone at last. — Robert Benchley

In a house where there are small children the bathroom soon takes on the appearance of the Old Curiosity Shop. — Robert Benchley

What is the disease which manifests itself in an inability to leave a party
any party at all
until it is all over and the lightsare being put out? ... I suppose that part of this mania for staying is due to a fear that, if I go, something good will happen and I'll miss it. Somebody might do card tricks, or shoot somebody else. — Robert Benchley

I don't trust a bank that would lend money to such a poor risk. — Robert Benchley

If you look at eggs, you will see that each one is almost round but not quite ... Nature's way of distinguishing eggs from large golf balls. — Robert Benchley

The discovery of phobias by psychiatrists has done much to clear the atmosphere. Whereas in the old days a person would say: 'Let's get the heck out of here!' today she says: 'Let's get the heck out of here! I've got claustrophobia. — Robert Benchley

A freelance is one who gets paid by the word
per piece or perhaps. — Robert Benchley

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people. — Robert Benchley

Nine-tenths of the value of a sense of humor in writing is not in the things it makes one write but in the things it keeps one from writing. It is especially valuable in this respect in serious writing, and no one without a sense of humor should ever write seriously. For without knowing what is funny, one is constantly in danger of being funny without knowing it. — Robert Benchley

I am more the inspirational type of speller. I work on hunches rather than mere facts, and the result is sometimes open to criticism by purists. — Robert Benchley

One of the easiest forms of pretense to break down is the pretense of enthusiasm for exotic foods. Just bring on the exotic foods. — Robert Benchley

I once heard a woman laugh at that most tragic moment in all drama, the off-stage shot in "The Wild Duck," and I afterward had her killed, so there will be no more of that out of her. — Robert Benchley

If Shakespeare were alive today and writing comedy for the movies, he would be the head-liner for the Mack Sennett studios. — Robert Benchley

It is one of the most discouraging experiences I have ever had, not forgetting the time when I winked at the Queen Mother in London once. — Robert Benchley

The ideal age for a boy to own a dog is between forty-five and fifty. — Robert Benchley

One of the chief duties of the fan is to engage in arguments with the man behind him. This department of the game has been allowed to run down fearfully. — Robert Benchley

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony. — Robert Benchley

Breaking the ice in the pitcher seems to be a feature of the early lives of all great men. — Robert Benchley

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. — Robert Benchley

I once heard of a murderer who propped his two victims up against a chess board in sporting attitudes and was able to get as far as Seattle before his crime was discovered. — Robert Benchley

I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures. — Robert Benchley

It has always seemed to me that the most difficult part of building a bridge would be the start. — Robert Benchley

We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on. — Robert Benchley

Who has not wished that his host would come out frankly at the beginning of the visit and state, in no uncertain terms, the rulesand preferences of the household in such matters as the breakfast hour? And who has not sounded out his guest to find out what he likes in the regulation of his diet and modus vivendi (mode of living)? — Robert Benchley

I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine. — Robert Benchley

I can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle. — Robert Benchley

As the storm came nearer I began to realize that I hadn't made the most of my three years' immunity. In fact, I hadn't done a single thing about cleaning up my life. I was, if anything, an even more logical target for lightning than the last time I was in range. And thunderstorms don't creep up on you at seven o'clock in the morning in a non-thunderstorm country for nothing, you know. I lined up a rather panicky schedule of reforms ...
But as the storm suddenly petered out and went off in the other direction nothing much has come out of it yet. I may have three years more, and these things can't be rushed. — Robert Benchley

There are several ways to apportion the family income, all of them unsatisfactory. — Robert Benchley

There is no doubt that every healthy, normal boy ... should own a dog at some time in his life, preferably between the ages of forty-five and fifty. — Robert Benchley

Nothing makes a man feel older than to hear a band coming up the street and not to have the impulse to rush downstairs and out on to the sidewalk. — Robert Benchley

This is a test. It is only a test. Had it been an actual job, you would have received raises, promotions, and other signs of appreciation. — Robert Benchley

In preparing the soil for planting, you will need several tools. Dynamite would be a beautiful thing to use, but it would have a tendency to get the dirt into the front-hall and track up the stairs. — Robert Benchley

Every boy should have two things: a dog and a mother who lets him have one — Robert Benchley

Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about. — Robert Benchley

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other. — Robert Benchley