Rich Hall Quotes & Sayings

The first time I came to the Comedy Festival some nutcase shot a bunch of people in Tasmania. I thought, 'Oh, that's just Tasmania.' The second time I came, some nut shot up Columbine High School. Now I'm here again, and another nut just shot up a high school in Minnesota. If you can't see the connection between me playing the Comedy Festival and mass murder, you're no good at conspiracy theories. — Rich Hall

The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized. — Rich Hall

Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line. — Rich Hall

The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters. — Rich Hall

In Montana, a policeman will pull you over because he is lonely. — Rich Hall

FOOVIEW (foo' view) n. The ability of a dog to inflict guilt from any angle in the room while he watches his master eat. — Rich Hall

If you do not have the innate ability to seek out someone's work on your own, and you have to wait for Hollywood to do it for you, then you are some sort of hillside grazer of culture; you are a sheep, a cow, what is biologically classified as a ruminant ... Fuck you. — Rich Hall

The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. — Rich Hall

As an American, I'd like to apologize-for everything. — Rich Hall

Women say they want a man who knows what a woman's worth. That's a pimp. — Rich Hall

Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. — Rich Hall

The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long. — Rich Hall

Ignisecond, n.: The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" — Rich Hall

A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice. — Rich Hall

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor. — Rich Hall

The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises). — Rich Hall

A hotel mini bar allows you to see what a can of Pepsi will cost in twenty years. — Rich Hall

The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. — Rich Hall

Foxes are rats in expensive coats. What are foxes associated with? Evil, wily, conniving, duplicitous, Fox News - worst news service on the planet and the evilest. — Rich Hall

The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. — Rich Hall

Manhandling the open here spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the illegal side. — Rich Hall