Molly Harper Quotes & Sayings

Besides, my drinking blood's not nearly as weird as that time I caught you shaving your legs."
"I was curious! — Molly Harper

You should be just as respectful to authority figures and public servants, even if you can now drain them dry. Because your kids are watching you. Also, because it's still illegal to drain authority figures and public servants dry. — Molly Harper

You are the night."
"I am the night," I repeated.
"You are the night."
I cocked my head, sending him a questioning look. "I am the night?"
"Jane!"
"Why is it that when you say my name, it sounds like a curse word? — Molly Harper

Wait, is this a nice-ish way of telling me we had sex and I was lousy? That's how you can tell I'm inexperienced? Because, if so, that's just rude. And what were you doing at Shenanigans? And how did you find me on the road?"
Gabriel looked wounded. "To answer your questions in order: The only body fluid I exchanged with you is blood
"
"That's very comforting, thank you. — Molly Harper

Two hundred years of work experience was a human resources nightmare. — Molly Harper

It's always a pleasure to see you," I told him, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "Remember, red lights are for quitters. — Molly Harper

He's practically stalking me. He just won't let it go. He's just being ... he's being a jackass with a flaky jackass crust and a delicious jackass filling."
"So he's jackass pie? — Molly Harper

Jane gave me an expression she called the "stink-eye." I returned it with the bitch-brow. And we sat back and let the two expressions battle it out.
"What do we do now?" Andrea whispered to Gabriel.
"Stay still and try not to attract their attention?" Gabriel whispered back. — Molly Harper

Somehow postwedding sex seemed completely new. Not to mention the fact that there were no nosy teenagers within a mile radius. We could be as loud as we wanted. We were tossed out of three hotels because of complaints from the other guests. — Molly Harper

I have ways of making extra money when I need it", he said, slightly offended. "When Gilbert needed money for graduate school, I sold a kidney on the black market for tuition."
We can grow those back?" I asked.
It wasn't my kidney. — Molly Harper

She was the type of librarian who has "Reading is supposed to be educational, not fun" tattooed somewhere. — Molly Harper

The two of them had a strange chemistry, like ammonia and bleach. — Molly Harper

Toe. He was even wearing a ski mask with strange meshlike coverings over the eyes. We didn't get a lot of ninjas in Half-Moon Hollow. And I'm pretty sure Jed would have responded. So I wasn't quite sure how to react here. Was this some sort of test from Jane to determine whether I would survive a parking-lot attack? Couldn't I just roll around in a gym with a practice dummy or something? The figure cocked his head to the side, staring at me like some predatory creature considering his best approach. I dropped my bag and kicked out of my sandals. I could do this. Sure, I had no fighting experience, but I had superstrength and speed on my side. Then again maybe this guy did, too. He could be a ninja chupacabra for all I knew. But — Molly Harper

The two of them shared a look over my head. Gabriel made several threatening faces. Dick responded with rude gestures. Eventually, they looked like two inebriated mimes having a dance off. — Molly Harper

What are you running from?"
That put a damper on the fluttering lashes. "Columbia House Music Club," I said, recovering my snarkiness quickly. "Oh, sure, they say they'll sell you six CDs for a penny, but they'll hunt you down like the hounds of hell if you miss the payments. — Molly Harper

I don't think I like that boy." He growled, glaring for effect, just in case I hadn't figured out his oh-so-subtle interpersonal cues.
"He's a sweet kid," I insisted, folding the gray blazer over my arm.
"He's a teenage boy," Cal said, his dark eyes narrowed. "They're all sexual deviants under the surface. I should know. I was a teenage boy once."
"Thousands of years ago," I countered.
"Times may change, but testosterone does not. — Molly Harper

Oh, I like her. You deserve her, buddy. I'm looking forward to watching how this plays out. You in a relationship? That's like one of those shows about guys who wrestle with wild gators. I don't know how it's going to turn out, but it will be bloody, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to laugh. — Molly Harper

If I had a nickel for every time I heard the words 'I don't want to ruin our friendship ' I wouldn't be driving a car with an ominously flashing 'check engine' light. — Molly Harper

Why couldn't I have spent the last few months like this, wrapped in his arms, drinking in the warm, spicy scent of him? Oh, wait. Cooper was a complete dick to me, that's why. — Molly Harper

Wal-mart started selling "Vampire Home Defense Kits", including holy water, crosses, stakes, mallets, and a book of quick blessings to bar vampires from your door. The fact that these kits were generally useless didn't bother me nearly as much as the idea of holy water being sold at wal-mart. — Molly Harper

When you've taken all you can, walk away. Be the bigger person. Or at least find a bigger person. — Molly Harper

Wait until you meet my family. At Thanksgiving, we kill everything we can find, put it into a pot, and call it 'holiday gumbo'. — Molly Harper

Let's just wait and see if I like the girls they marry," she said. "So, that means your dress is new, and the necklace is old and blue. What can you borrow?" "A time machine — Molly Harper

I know where the Iberian Peninsula is, Iris."
"I know, I know, you probably built the first road or furrowed the first wheat field ever sown there."
"Brat."
"Cradle robber."
"Grave robber. — Molly Harper

Jane, if you'd been able to read these books, would you have felt more prepared, or would you have worked yourself into an information-overload-fueled frenzy, convinced that you could arrange the whole wedding yourself, and eventually killed one of your loved ones in a glue-gun-related mishap?" she asked, her lips quirked. "Probably that second one," I admitted. — Molly Harper

Do I have to give you the 'Hurt my friend, and you will wake up with my foot lodged in your nether regions' speech?" I asked. — Molly Harper

I couldn't have loved her more if she was my own child. But sometimes I considered shaving her eyebrows off while she slept.
For the sake of developing her character. — Molly Harper

The third thing that men do to get over a break-up. Drinking, not talking about your feelings, and then what?" I said, growing suspicious. "It's fighting, isn't it? You set this up. — Molly Harper

That's all you have to do, Jane, just find your fit." "Or I can follow your lead and unleash a plague of locusts like this town has never seen," I said, rubbing my chin with an evil-genius glare. — Molly Harper

So, you purchased ancient Babylonian texts, which may or may not call forth Gozer the Destroyer, on eBay? Zeb asked. — Molly Harper

The fact that I could correctly make a reference to the Borg was probably part of the reason I was not being accepted into the Collective. — Molly Harper

Sophisticated and complicated and able to color-coordinate a room like you wouldn't believe. I craved him with a bone-deep lust I'd once reserved exclusively for Godiva truffles. — Molly Harper

My mother had spent one hundred dollars on shipping to send me cookies, antimeat propaganda, and laxatives. — Molly Harper

Delicious baked goods were the great work hostility equalizer, no matter how unorthodox the workplace. — Molly Harper

I forced myself to open my eyes. I was a Puckett, damn it. And Pucketts didn't lose our nerve. We schemed, we interjected, we occasionally drank too much and told someone what we really thought of them at a Christmas party, but we never lost our nerve. — Molly Harper

Women are terrifying creatures who sometimes expect the men around us to read our minds. — Molly Harper

Hello, little baby," I cooed. "I'm Auntie Jane. When your mama says it's OK, I'm going to take you guys to the library and museums and movies. I'll feed you food that'll make you hyper and nauseous, and then I'll bring you straight home. I'll help you hide your first tattoo. We're going to have a great time. — Molly Harper

So, you think we should have Naked Happy Fun Time because I didn't get to see all of your moves? — Molly Harper

When you encounter unpleasantness from the human population, try to keep in mind that you will be able to dance on their graves long after they're dead. It's a cheering thought. - from The Guide for the Newly Undead. — Molly Harper

I was that weird kid that checked out all of the non-fiction paranormal studies books from the library. I've always been fascinated by the supernatural, particularly movies and TV shows that manage to blend humor with the horror - 'Supernatural', 'Buffy', 'Angel.' — Molly Harper

But constantly thinking and talking about food is what makes werewolves some of the best chefs in the world. Think about it. Have you ever seen Emeril Lagasse during a full moon? — Molly Harper

What can you do?" he asked.
It took me a few seconds to catch up to Daddy's question. He was asking about my snazzy new vampire powers, not expressing helplessness about my being turned by a guy with "shoves trees on people" tendencies.
"Oh, um, a lot of stuff, except, you know, eat solid food and go outside during the day, " I said.
"Even my pot pie?" Mama cried. Yes, because in this situation, pot pie was what we should be focusing on. — Molly Harper

Tell them you're pregnant with a married minister's baby, then say, "Just kidding! I'm a vampire,'" she suggested. — Molly Harper

Besides, when I take you to bed, we're going to stay there for a long, long time. I don't want the sun to interrupt us, which it would in just a few hours." Did he say hours? Gabriel kissed my slack mouth and asked, "No response?" "Yay? — Molly Harper

Yourself into an information-overload-fueled frenzy, convinced that you could arrange the whole wedding yourself, and eventually killed one of your loved ones in a glue-gun-related mishap — Molly Harper

Before you find yourself stranded in the woods with a cranky apex predator, ask yourself: Do I really want to go on a camping trip with a vampire? The answer is probably going to be no. — Molly Harper

Really. How do you respond when someone gifts you with nonlethal law-enforcement equipment? — Molly Harper

If you want to hurt me fine. Take my books. Burn down my house. Shave my head while I'm sleeping. But nobody nobody screws with my dog. — Molly Harper

Vampires have bright eyes glistening white teeth unnaturally smooth skin and a certain animal magnetism. If they aren't pretty they starve. It's sort of like life in Los Angeles. — Molly Harper

The brain may die, but my compulsion for useless trivia lives on. — Molly Harper

ho' was one I hadn't heard before," I admitted as we pushed through the door, gently popping an eavesdropping Dick in the side of the head. Dick cursed. Aunt Jettie shrugged. "You leave the TV on during the day. I've watched a lot of Maury Povich. — Molly Harper

You want to stab me again, don't you?"
He didn't look at all ashamed. "Think of it as testing the limits of your new abilities."
I groaned. "I've created a monster."
"I don't think someone who recently crawled from the grave should be throwing around labels like 'monster,'" he said, making sarcastic little air-quotes fingers.
"It wasn't a grave," I sniffed. "It was a comfy four-poster. — Molly Harper

Caleb? I knew it wasn't likely, what with the — Molly Harper

Team Jacob: Because Vampires Shouldn't Sparkle — Molly Harper

Well, now I felt horrible. I'd marred perfectly good ass cheeks for no reason. It was as if I'd sneezed on the Mona Lisa. — Molly Harper

I sighed. 'Ah spite, the stuff of fairy tales. — Molly Harper

The element of surprise is vastly overrated in any relationship. — Molly Harper

Well, pardon me for not knowing about the thermal-only panty rule," I said, smirking as he dipped his head to nuzzle one of the silky bra cups. "I'll rush right out and buy some long johns."
Pausing to look up with perfect sincerity, he promised, "If you do, I will weep. Like a little girl. In public. — Molly Harper

I'm still getting used to the idea that people out in the world are reading my books. Every time I get a 'fan letter,' I am thrilled. But when people tell me that they're from the south or western Kentucky, and they say, 'I know exactly what you mean!' That's awesome. — Molly Harper

I waited a beat before saying, "So, really, I'm not the craziest girl you've ever dated. That's a relief." "Your grasp of the weight of this situation is amazing," he retorted. I shrugged. "I'm just saying. — Molly Harper

thought we were supposed to get her drunk and put her panties in the freezer," Jolene said, her pretty face scrunched in confusion. "I think you're mixing up your female-bonding customs," I told her. "That's 'thirteen-year-olds at a sleepover,' not 'vampire boyfriend may or may not have cheated on you, but either way, he's an emotionally unavailable asshat. — Molly Harper

I poked him in the chest. 'First of all, yes, it was. Lacy cards and love tokens were widely exchanged even in Victorian times. By now, you should know better than to screw with me on historical trivia. — Molly Harper

I think my books are lighter and funnier than some of the big series out there. You may not walk away from my books having learned a life-altering lesson, but you will feel better for having laughed for a few hours. It's just a different style of writing. — Molly Harper

I don't care what tomorrow brings, as long as I have you. — Molly Harper

Please don't mix Marvel and DC references. You're better than that, he said, shaking his head disdainfully. — Molly Harper

I was shameless in my supermarket-shelf mass-market taste. I loved King, Evanovich, Grisham and Brown. I won't lie; the oficial-looking filing cabinet in the corner is actually stuffed full of my paperbacks. — Molly Harper

Grandma Ruthie and her sister Jettie hadn't spoken a civil word in about fifteen years. Their last exchange was Ruthie's leaning over Jettie's coffin and whispering, "If you'd married and had children, there would be more people at your funeral." Of course, at the reading of Aunt Jettie's will, Grandma Ruthie was handed an enveloped containing a carefully folded high-resolution picture of a baboon's butt. That pretty much summed up their relationship. — Molly Harper

You will treat my underwear with the reverence it deserves. Next time, you will stop and appreciate
hell, you'll marvel at the miracle of my ass clad in silk. — Molly Harper

We don't have problems", Gabriel insisted.
You killed someone!
I killed someone for you!
Well, pardon me if I don't think that's going to make it into the next collection of Halmark cards!" (p. 301). — Molly Harper

Lace it with Ex-Lax. It will do her some good. — Molly Harper

And soon we were just rolling around on the ground, cursing and screeching and ripping out handfuls of hair.
Without super hearing, I wouldn't have heard Zeb whisper, "This is the coolest thing I have ever seen."
"Maybe they'll get muddy," Dick said. "Please, Lord, let them get muddy. — Molly Harper

It was not healthy for one man's smile to make my panties spontaneously combust — Molly Harper

Somewhere in my heart a little door closed with a clean, quiet "snick." I was through with Mike Terwilliger. And he had moved on to a woman who, while she obviously didn't make him entirely happy, was still better suited to him than I was. Whether he stayed with her or left her within a year, I knew it wouldn't affect me either way. Instead of waiting for them to collapse on themselves, I would be living my life. I may not have wished them well, but at least I wasn't devoting precious energy to wishing they would spontaneously combust. — Molly Harper

I grabbed my purse, which was conveniently place by the front door. Gabriel was such a considerate abductor/host. He even left the front door unpadlocked. — Molly Harper

Mama operated under the assumption that I was eight years old and incapable of feeding myself. It was physically impossible for her to cross my threshold without some form of nourishment. She once offered me cheese and crackers from her while we were standing in my kitchen. — Molly Harper

Up until two years ago, I was one of the top-selling real estate agents in the tricounty area. I went to a convention in Boca Raton. I had one too many margaritas, met a tall, pale, and handsome man in the bar, and woke up a vampire."
"I was mistaken for a deer and got shot," I offered."
"Oh. — Molly Harper

I hated her out of principle; and that principle was bitterness. — Molly Harper

I'm sorry I have the emotional maturity of a grapefruit." He grinned, his fangs glinting. "You don't have the emotional maturity of a grapefruit. A tangerine, maybe, but I think you've got to work your way up to grapefruit. — Molly Harper

Did they make Adam's apple porn? Was that a thing? Would I be scarred for life if I Googled it? And if I couldnt find any pictures, could I take my own? — Molly Harper

I loved lingerie. I loved the feel of satin and silk on my skin. I loved the juxtaposition of wearing a pair of two-hundred-dollar lace panties under blue jeans, like the pair I was wearing at the moment. Lingerie was a personal statement that you didn't have to declare to the world. You could be as demure or as naughty as you wanted to be, and no one ever had to know unless you showed them ... or were injured in a serious car accident. — Molly Harper

Given my history with my sister, it was inevitable, really, that we would end up wrestling in the mud, beating each other senseless with pieces of foam rubber. — Molly Harper

Let's see, the last guy I dated - is there a word for someone who's sexually attracted to Muppets? Andrea's elegant persona was destroyed as she laughed so hard martini shot out of her nose. — Molly Harper

Don't tell them he's upstairs , I commanded my brain. Tell them he moved to Pacoima to start a commune for vegetarian vampires. Tell them he's looking into getting a sex-change operation and renaming himself Lulu Pleshette. — Molly Harper

The ring is a copy of my mother's. I took the stone from her engagement ring and had a jeweler place it in a titanium setting."
"Titanium?" I asked.
"Dick knew a guy."
"Of course he did."
"You're a bit rough and tumble with jewelry, and I knew it would have to be able to stand up to ... "
"Nuclear winter?"
His eyebrow lifted. "I never know with you. — Molly Harper

It's hard to forget a woman who manages to seduce you while spouting odd literary trivia and anatomically specific threats. — Molly Harper

I wondered what would be the most humiliating way possible to be turned into a vampire - a story that a vampire would be embarrassed to share with their vampire buddies over a nice glass of Type O. — Molly Harper

Why is everyone so surprised that I have a stun gun?" "Because I've seen you staple your hand to a purchase order," Andrea told me. — Molly Harper

Instead of celebrating with a cake (too full of poisonous refined sugars) and presents (too materialistic), my mother would come into my room at exactly 3:57 A.M. to tell me the story of my miraculous emergence into this world, as if it was some fairy tale. Although I supposed few fairy tales involved the words 'vaginal flowering'. — Molly Harper

Fortunately, among werewolf women, the word "bitch" is not offensive. I was having a lot of fun with that.
"Hey there, bitches!" I called as I came through the door. "What are my favorite bitches up to today? — Molly Harper

Not to be rude, but it was all pointless," I noted from across the room. Four eyes narrowed at me. "What? I said 'not to be rude'. That's like saying 'God bless them' right after you say bad things about someone. It means it doesn't count! — Molly Harper

Leaving knots untied and scattering seeds to distract them will only work on vampires with OCD. — Molly Harper

Can we get a whiteboard,like on Law and Order?" Andrea asked.
Dick nodded. "I was thinking official 'Keep Jane from Being Murdered Task Force' T-shirts. — Molly Harper

He's like that with everybody. Don't take it personally. Some people were just born with a pinecone shoved up their butts.
In Cooper's case, it's lodged sideways. — Molly Harper

I wonder if it would be unethical for me to turn James Marsters? And then force him to fake the Cockney accent? And then make him my love monkey? — Molly Harper

Ophelia was beating some poor underling for not knowing her arse from the sparse collection of cells between her ears. — Molly Harper

He likes me!" Finn exclaimed, sounding downright giddy. "You brought him a rare LEGO. You could burn down our house, and he would still look at you all googly-eyed." "Don't ruin this moment for me," he said, shushing me. — Molly Harper

I loved my job at the paper. I loved meeting new people every day and never knowing where I would end up. But somehow, the ever-shifting schedules of a police officer and a reporter did not equal 'family friendly.' One of us needed to take a normal job for the sake of our young daughter. — Molly Harper

Get the point?" I asked, offering the boys a triumphant smile.
Gabriel, Zeb, and Dick stared at me, aghast.
"What? Sarcastic postkill comeback. Isn't that what you're supposed to do in situations like this?
Too harsh? — Molly Harper

I would have taken Zeb, purely for entertainment value, but he had an actual date, with a real girl. That hadn't happened in a while, so I was a good friend and put my own needs second to the possibility of him actual sex with a real girl. — Molly Harper

Note to self: Try to stop reacting to surprises like a cartoon character.
Jane Jameson — Molly Harper