Ian Pattison Quotes & Sayings

Some burglars are vermin, they're no better than, well, investment bankers - there, I've said it. — Ian Pattison

In the fifties there were no paedophiles. There were only simple honest-to-goodness child molesters. — Ian Pattison

Christmas carols? Oozy, squeezy, treacly middle-class propaganda crap! — Ian Pattison

Listen you here to me boy. The only way this book is gonnae turn you intae a tall, Aryan god, is if you stand on the bloody thing. — Ian Pattison

There's a funnel up his arse and a breeze between his ears. All the same I suppose his guess is as good as ours y'know? All he knows is 'shut up and keep going'. I mean, I for one, I can't make any philosophical advance on that. I mean, honestly - can you? — Ian Pattison

This is what you get in life. Wee flannel-arsed naebodies sittin' behind a desk tryin' to make you sweat in your stool. And see when they do? Y'can feel the wind-up key take another turn in your back. — Ian Pattison

Correct me if I'm wrong. But it was you stuck the head on the policehorse?
It deserved it didn't it. Standin' there whinnying at me in that bloody Kelvinside accent. — Ian Pattison

Cancer gets a bad press but, fair do's, it's a truly egalitarian illness, unlike those stuck-up bastards ME and motor neurone. — Ian Pattison

Do you want to buy a bloody flower or don't ye?
Aye. As a matter of fact I'll take the whole soddin' bunch.
Aye well, good. It's time you treated m'Ma better.
Oh, they're not for your Ma, son. These are for you.See because I'm gonnae ram them doon y'delicate bloody Karma hole! — Ian Pattison

See the bints? They might be soft on the outside, but see on the inside? They've got hearts on them like Hygena worktops. — Ian Pattison

Rab: Like a wee chip, Burney son?
Burney: Stick your chips up your arse!
Mary: Heeey, hey, hey, hey - manners.
Burney: Please. — Ian Pattison

No, forget love, the best we can hope to mould, given the poor Play-Doh of humankind, is a capacity for tolerance. This is achievable since tolerance is little more than indifference with a Dulux coat of manners. Surely we can manage that? Call me a dreamer but I can see a world where people of all races, creeds and colour will live together in harmony because they don't give a toss about each other. — Ian Pattison

Y'cannae see can ye? Y'know who christened you lot the 'underclass'? The same sinister bastards that changed Windscale to Sellafield...they're nuthin' but a lot of jumped-up fascist bastards! — Ian Pattison

Have you ever wondered what it would be like', he said, 'if we could tear down the dividing walls of every house in the street? If we could see folk the way they really are after they stop talking their crappy garbage about the weather and go in and shut the door? Have you ever wondered that? If you ask me', he said,' every bastards half mental'. — Ian Pattison

Now you lady, you can go an' run your arse up a cheesegrater — Ian Pattison

No one of these bloody jobs exist do they? Christ, y'just stick them up there to take the bare look off the walls. — Ian Pattison

When a scumball turns on Songs of Praise he sees three hundred quantity surveyors warbling about 'My Lord in heaven', and he knows his name's not on the guest list. — Ian Pattison

Once you realise you're never going to be a somebody, you have to kid yourself that being a nobody can still be interesting. — Ian Pattison