George Lopez Quotes & Sayings

Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through! — George Lopez

We're Mexican not Mexican't! — George Lopez

We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts. — George Lopez

I never realized I could love people as much as I do now. — George Lopez

When you go to cable, there are no stations and no affiliates and they allow you to do your show. — George Lopez

No Angie, it's instant. Like when someone trips in the cafeteria and you're laughing so hard milk comes out of your nose, the guy next to you is laughing so hard he accidentally farts. BOOM! Friends for life! — George Lopez

I spend a lot of time alone and my wife understands that I need to be alone. I enjoy being alone. But I'm never lonely. — George Lopez

If laughter is the best medicine, I promise to continue to make you laugh as my wife and I work together with the National Kidney Foundation to save lives. — George Lopez

Sarah Palin is Latina. Pay-leen. She has an infant and a grandkid the same age. Latina! — George Lopez

I think it's easier for African American and white comics to be praised than it is Latinos because they think our culture or our humor is substandard. I mean, I just don't think they want to give us credit. I just don't think that they see us as important enough to be at their level. I'm the longest-produced comedy at Warner Bros. and I don't feel special. They come over and say hello. But everybody's gonna make a lot of money and I don't feel like I'm special to them. — George Lopez

When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said 'You wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!' — George Lopez

You're never going to be a Yankee for a day, or you're never going to be a Laker, but with Pro-Ams, they allow you to feel like you're a professional golfer and play under their conditions. — George Lopez

Memories, priceless. Well not really priceless, but there you go! — George Lopez

Life is moments going by, but if you don't grab them, they're gone. For a long time, the only moments that were available were bad ones. So now I make sure to grab the good ones. — George Lopez

I got a pain in my chest, and I can't breathe — George Lopez

80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes. Actually, they said Yes! Oh God, Yes! — George Lopez

I love comedy and I would write things to myself as an exercise in writing. I didn't do well for years, and I quit. I started to break down why I was afraid and started to look at people I admired, like Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Freddie Prinze, George Carlin and all. — George Lopez

A Dodger uniform just doesn't look good with a cummerbund. — George Lopez

I have dogs in my house and much like teenagers at some point, they leave the parents. Even though they're in the same house, they live independently. I think that's how I live with the Chihuahuas. — George Lopez

Tied one on last night. Not feeling great this morning. I was trying to sleep it off, unfortunately, it was on the casino floor. — George Lopez

The average late-night viewer is in their mid-50s and the average viewer of TBS is in their 30s and is largely African-American and Hispanic, already, before I even get there. — George Lopez

When I look at the Gospel, I see how it is speaking to me at this time. I see how to be to others and it helps. — George Lopez

I've spent days in cinemas answering questions from the audience, in interviews, travelling abroad, and all they do is thank me nicely. — George Lopez

Marijuana brownies are amazing. Very simple to make, too. Just get some Duncan Hines brownie mix and cook the weed right in there. Drop it right in with the butter. I don't know who came up with this idea first, but it's sheer genius. — George Lopez

It's not even about black and white anymore, because so many people are from mixed backgrounds and mixed ethnicities, and it's just a great time to be able to pull all that together. — George Lopez

At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom. — George Lopez

When I first heard about Beverly Hills Chihuahua, I thought, no. This, this is ridiculous. And then you read the script and you close the script and you go, "They aren't going to be able to do that with real dogs. How are they going to do that?" You're going to see the strings. But they did. — George Lopez

I've gotten in trouble with every race you can imagine. — George Lopez

We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt! — George Lopez

I had a very difficult childhood. I was surrounded by people who had both parents, which made me feel different. Having a bit of a rougher existence early on, it made me appreciate the work ethic that my grandparents instilled in me. — George Lopez

George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people ... George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud! — George Lopez

Everything we play when we are growing up, is team related. In this game (of golf) you can find all the answers yourself. You don't need to throw the ball in the air and play catch with yourself. You get a bucket of balls and go out there with your clubs, and you hit and learn and you get better. And there's no top. — George Lopez

It was June 4, 1979, the first time I went on stage. I didn't know I could do it but I knew I couldn't not do it. I quit everything in my life and this was the one thing I couldn't quit. — George Lopez

Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready. — George Lopez

By the time I was 11, I wanted to be a comedian. So all those years later, I've managed to achieve my dream as a kid, and it wasn't easy. I'm on the [Hollywood] Walk of Fame and I'm one of the 25 most influential Hispanics in America, according to Time Magazine. I think my duty is to go back and tell kids, 'Whatever color you are, wherever you come from, anything and everything is possible.' And I'm living proof. — George Lopez

I do everything one at a time, one day at a time. It's the only way I can do all what I want. I stopped watching [most of] the news and entertainment shows. I think it's helped me to stay a little clearer. Do I need to know what Kevin Federline is doing? And I don't sleep a lot. I'm always connected to [my work]. — George Lopez

If you want a show to succeed, you're going to have to have a certain amount of people watch who are non-black and non-Latino. If you can't cross over, you don't belong on TV. That's not just me saying it. That's just the way it is. — George Lopez

People who are homeless, they're not all addicts. A lot of times, they're just people who, through something like losing their job or losing someone in their life, ended up on the streets. So much of our time is spent in cars that sometimes you need to look out of those windows. And you see that a dollar, 50 cents, whatever you have, may not mean much to you, but it means everything to people who are hungry and who are in need. — George Lopez

I used to be ashamed by the way that I grew up. I tried to lie my way through better times, but when you think that honesty and truth is really your best weapon you embrace it and put it behind you. In the end, it drives you and motivates you to do good work. No one should be ashamed about where they come from as long as you desire to be a compassionate and decent person. — George Lopez

I didn't come from a background where I saw a lot of loving couples. All my aunts and uncles were either split up or fighting all the time. The only healthy relationships I saw were on TV. — George Lopez

It's good to see people not smoking. You get dressed up, and you smoke, and it gets in your clothes. You go, 'What should I wear tonight?' 'I don't know, honey, how about something menthol?' — George Lopez

The jewelry stores say, 'Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,' while wives tell you they love you with, 'Ok, but just because it's Valentine's Day.' — George Lopez

You know how Mexican restaurants always have "border" in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn't do that to black people: Kunta's Kitchen or Shackles. They don't do it to white people. You don't see the Honkey Grill, the Cracker Barrel ... oh, nevermind. — George Lopez

Life is great and golf has been one of the great parts of it for me. — George Lopez

Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi! — George Lopez

I'm a big fan of reality shows. I thought the first one, Dukes of Hazzard, captured white people perfectly. — George Lopez

If the worst thing that can happen is that nobody laughs, then I can deal with that, because the worst thing that can happen at the factory is that I could lose a limb or be crushed by a huge machine. — George Lopez

My grandmother instilled in me a toughness that comes with survival. She was a tough lady and never truly enjoyed her life. She would always worry about things and I would tell her that it wasn't going to get her anywhere and it didn't. I wasn't even that smart back then, but I knew that worrying about everyone else wasn't good for her health. As Latinos, we stress and worry so much about the future when the future is today. As long as we protect what's good in our lives, we will be all right. — George Lopez

One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair. — George Lopez

If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know that in every fat person, there's a skinny person inside, but you could have all the season's contestants of America's Next Top Model in you. I hope I get reincarnated as your feet. That way, you'd never see my face again ... Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insulted you. Because in my country, cows are sacred. — George Lopez

Finally there is someone that you can invest in that looks like you, speaks like you, relates to things you relate to, and make our culture okay to talk about. — George Lopez

From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you! — George Lopez

Shows should just be able to be shows without hyphenating their lead characters. — George Lopez

When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours! — George Lopez

I think we all feel the same things most of the time, we just don't know how to put it into words. When I'm on stage, I say it. The truth makes people laugh. — George Lopez

I actually graze at several of the homes while Im playing. There a lot of food going on. I drink and eat and use the restrooms in a lot of the houses. What better way to really get closer to the fans than to steal their soap from the restrooms as they allow you to enter their homes? — George Lopez

I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants. — George Lopez

Look, I made a commitment to corn 17 years ago. Sure, I'm a man. I like to go to a barbecue and see beans that I like: baked beans, red beans, black beans, big plump garbanzos. But in the end, I always come home to my sweet, sweet corn. — George Lopez

As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house. — George Lopez

I'd love to have Michael Jackson [in my show] because he's black and white. So he would appeal to a universal demographic. — George Lopez

I believe that there are certain things that could be taken care of that you don't need a strong political background in. — George Lopez

Obama is the closest thing to a Latino that we have. Barack. Everybody wants to see his birth certificate too. — George Lopez

if you make waffles, throw out the first one. — George Lopez

When things are bad, it's the best time to reinvent yourself. — George Lopez

I didn't want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up. — George Lopez

Two wrongs do not make a right; but three rights make a left. — George Lopez

Y'know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday. — George Lopez

It's an honor to walk in the footsteps of a legend. As host I intend to honor the tradition of The Bob Hope Classic and have a great time blazing a new path. — George Lopez

It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority. — George Lopez

My wife gave me a book before we got married, Oh, the Places You'll Go!, by Dr. Seuss. She was trying to tell me something, about what I was capable of, but I didn't get it. Over time, I've sort of lived the message in that book, and I couldn't have without what golf taught me. So I put it in my bag while I played the Old Course, and on the last hole when I posed on the Swilcan Bridge, I held it up. — George Lopez

I'm not afraid to take on somebody or say something that somebody will find offensive because unfortunately in comedy, you can't say anything really good without offending somebody. — George Lopez

The first night was awful because I was so afraid, and I was never more afraid because it was going out of my character to be outgoing and to be vulnerable and to be out there and onstage. My hands were sweaty and I couldn't swallow, and I drank a bottle of wine to calm my nerves. — George Lopez

No particular race is the enemy. Ignorance is the enemy. — George Lopez

[There's] a joke that I've done forever: 'Nowadays they say that the largest majority of people will be Latino and you'll tell scary stories to your grandkids: "A long time ago when I was growing up, there used to be people who were white," and the kid says, "Really?" and you say, "Yeah, like the man who cuts our grass."' I've had that line forever and I love it. — George Lopez

Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member. — George Lopez

David Letterman is the best late-night talk show host right now, hands down, and has been since he first took the desk. — George Lopez

I want to tell you about a woman I have been married to for ten years, my wife, Ann, who speaking truthfully, saved me from myself. Who saved me from destroying myself because of my background. Who saved me from wasting my life, drinking my life away, never fulfilling my dreams because of what I had come from, and truly believing and loving - truly the first person to ever truthfully, unconditionally love me. — George Lopez

I can never do nothing in this house! — George Lopez

This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus. — George Lopez

Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them. — George Lopez

So I started to relax and would work on my act eight hours a day, sitting at a desk writing at my grandmother's house, and I would put on Richard Pryor Live on Long Beach and would play it like a loop and think and write. — George Lopez

I grew up not having a father. Golf is the father I never had. It taught me honesty and respect and discipline and it taught me to control my temperament. — George Lopez

I can't pay her back, but what I can do is make her as happy as she thought I would when we first got married. — George Lopez