Famous Quotes & Sayings

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes & Sayings

Enjoy the top 100 famous quotes, sayings and quotations by Anthony Jeselnik.

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Famous Quotes By Anthony Jeselnik

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I think brilliant stuff comes out of working with limitations. One liners are very limiting, but that's what drew me to them in the first place. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I don't have much racial stuff in my act. And no one's ever really threatened me to my face. Threats on the internet don't bother me so much. — Anthony Jeselnik

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Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.' — Anthony Jeselnik

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I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself. — Anthony Jeselnik

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Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it. — Anthony Jeselnik

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In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much. — Anthony Jeselnik

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On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it. — Anthony Jeselnik

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When I die, I want to be cremated with everybody. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I'm not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don't have a good story behind it, I'm just reasonable. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death. — Anthony Jeselnik

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Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn't already been the title of a Richard Pryor album? — Anthony Jeselnik

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My favorite sport is football. I'm a die hard Steelers fan. Favorite players were Hines Ward and Greg Lloyd. — Anthony Jeselnik

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My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her. — Anthony Jeselnik

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Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new. — Anthony Jeselnik

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Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ. — Anthony Jeselnik

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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet ... oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool. — Anthony Jeselnik

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You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it. — Anthony Jeselnik

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My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing. — Anthony Jeselnik

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It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing. — Anthony Jeselnik

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A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.' — Anthony Jeselnik

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Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it — Anthony Jeselnik

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Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies? — Anthony Jeselnik

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That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset. — Anthony Jeselnik

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Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way. — Anthony Jeselnik

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Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs. — Anthony Jeselnik

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Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same. — Anthony Jeselnik

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My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time. — Anthony Jeselnik

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We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral. — Anthony Jeselnik

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It seemed fun to play a villain on stage and I wanted my jokes to be so good that I could just calmly tell them on stage. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally. — Anthony Jeselnik

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My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off. — Anthony Jeselnik

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In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble. — Anthony Jeselnik

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You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails. — Anthony Jeselnik

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Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious - nobody saw me. — Anthony Jeselnik

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People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest. — Anthony Jeselnik

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Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital. — Anthony Jeselnik

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In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though ... — Anthony Jeselnik

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I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor. — Anthony Jeselnik

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Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration. — Anthony Jeselnik

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When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant. — Anthony Jeselnik

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The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing for 11 years as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do. — Anthony Jeselnik

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Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and 'I hope horrible things don't happen to my family,' but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket. — Anthony Jeselnik

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My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She's always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she's got a chocolate addiction. Get me away from those Hersheys bars. I'm addicted to them. It's really annoying. So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown. And I pointed out a crack addict. And I said, Do you see that, honey? ... Why can't you be that skinny? — Anthony Jeselnik

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Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.' — Anthony Jeselnik

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It's impossible for me to hear the words quadruple murder suicide without thinking of my grandparents. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I was raised Catholic. I rejected it later on. I'm an outspoken atheist now. People say, 'Oh, it's a negative thing to be an atheist.' I don't agree. I think it's more optimistic to think that there is no God, no afterlife. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem. — Anthony Jeselnik

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There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled. — Anthony Jeselnik

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One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy - I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it's so different. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic. — Anthony Jeselnik

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When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says. — Anthony Jeselnik

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My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to get something, I don't mind that. If half the crowd gets the joke and the other half is sitting there scratching their heads, that's just as good for me if I like the joke, because I feel like it just brings people in more. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I guess I prefer the laughs. I couldn't do a whole set of just shocks, but I like throwing a fastball inside every now and then to keep people on their toes. — Anthony Jeselnik

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Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word. — Anthony Jeselnik

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You can't expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes you'll miss. But I think comedians are artists and there's a value in failure. It kind of works both ways between comedians and audiences. The audience has to understand that comedians are going to sometimes tell a joke that doesn't work out with dark subjects, and the comedian has to understand that sometimes they 'll fail and it's not the audience's fault for not getting it or loving it. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted. — Anthony Jeselnik

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About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner? — Anthony Jeselnik

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Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she's mine. — Anthony Jeselnik

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You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub ... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby. — Anthony Jeselnik

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My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do. — Anthony Jeselnik

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Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them. — Anthony Jeselnik

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Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles. — Anthony Jeselnik

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Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted. — Anthony Jeselnik

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Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer ... but no one will do it. — Anthony Jeselnik

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I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf. — Anthony Jeselnik

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People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them. — Anthony Jeselnik