Wicked Humor Quotes & Sayings

Shane was just leaving, too."
"What?" he cried.
I slammed my palms flat against his body. Dear God, there were some nice ridges hiding under that shirt! My hands slid up to his pecks and pushed. "Yeah. You have to go now."
"Are you for real?" he asked. He was slowly backing his way through the room, but it had nothing to do with the strength of my push ... or lack thereof.
"Very. I can't. I need to sleep on this."
With a wicked smile, he flattened his hands over mine and sassed, "I'm all for you sleeping on me. Let's go. — Devon Ashley

You're too visible, Albert," Hadrian explained. "Can't afford to have our favorite noble hauled to some dungeon where they cut off your eyelids or pull off your fingernails until you tell them what we're up to."
"But if they torture me, and I don't know the plan, how will I save myself?"
"I'm sure they'll believe you after the fourth nail or so," Royce said with a wicked grin. — Michael J. Sullivan

Why are we learning about the past, when this is History? — Galinda Glinda

Grabbing a scarf off the chair, I threw it at him.
He caught it, clutching it to his chest as he flew into the air. "You gave Tink a scarf. Tink is free!" He flew out into the hallway like a little cracked-out fairy, screeching, "Tink is freeeeee!"
Ren looked at me. "What the actual f**k?"
I sighed. "He's obsessed with Harry Potter. I'm sorry."
Tink darted back into the room, holding the scarf to his bare chest. "There is no reason to apologize when it comes to Harry Potter."
"You do remember what happened to Dobby, right?" I said.
"S**t." Tink's eyes widened and he dropped the scarf. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

I met Elton John at an Interview dinner, and we just sort of became friends. He's got such a wicked sense of humor. — Moby

You backbiting, poisonous, treacherous, deceitful, wicked, clever girl. If this works I'll buy you a pony. — Jim Butcher

In an Anglo-Saxon thriller, the villain is generally punished, and the strong silent man generally wins the weak babbling girl, but there is no governmental law in Western countries to ban a story that does not comply with a fond tradition, so that we always hope that the wicked but romantic fellow will escape scot-free and the good but dull chap will be finally snubbed by the moody heroine. — Vladimir Nabokov

Wicked people never have time for reading. It's one of the reasons for their wickedness. — Lemony Snicket

She lifted me back into the seat with a wicked grin, and breathed, 'Just don't stop talking. Whatever you do, just don't stop talking,' and swallowed my manhood. I scrambled desperately through the darkened corners of my memory until I couldn't take it anymore. I grabbed her by the hair and said, 'Now bend over, and I'll do to you what the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries wants to keep the Federal government from doing to the state of Alaska. — Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

You know, he [Alan Rickman] played these very reserved, sometimes-cold, sometimes-threatening characters on the screen, but the reality of the man was incredible warmth and humor and generosity and wicked fun. — Helen Mirren

There was something about Miss Lyndon that made him glad she was on his side. Not that he thought she would make a vicious enemy, just that she seemed loyal, level-headed, and fair. And she had a wicked sense of humor. Just the sort of person a man would want standing beside him when he needed support. — Julia Quinn

By some miracle, Charlotte's polite smile never wavered. It was a proud moment for her. After all, it wasn't every day that a little old lady told you right to your face that your bosom was as flat as a flounder. — Olivia Parker

God has a most wicked sense of humor. — Maureen O'Hara

What are you doing?" she asked, trying to raise herself.
"First, I thought I'd show you what a pity it would be if they cut off my wicked tongue. — Melina Marchetta

You know," she said dreamily, passing over his question, "you're not nearly as handsome as Lord St.Vincent."
"There's a surprise," he said dryly.
"But for some reason," she continued, "I never want to kiss him the way I do you." It was a good thing that she had closed her eyes, for if she had seen his expression, she might not have continued. "There is something about you that makes me feel terribly wicked. You make me want to do shocking things. Maybe it's because you're so proper. Your necktie is never crooked, and your shoes are always shiny. And your shirts are so starchy. Sometimes when I look at you, I want to tear off all your buttons. Or set your trousers on fire. — Lisa Kleypas

What did you think was going to ensue when you chose Hagan's big ass to train me? That guy is wicked fierce and a total badass. — J.L. McCoy

I have never met any really wicked person before. I feel rather frightened. I am so afraid he will look just like every one else. — Oscar Wilde

'You can't count on the fact that they know you to protect you. They would kill you without hesitation. They would tear the flesh from your body while you were still screaming and crack your bones to suck the marrow out.'

'We'd regret it in the morning, though,' Nick said mildly, earning a wicked grin from Tate. — Sarah Madison

As a blogger, Chez Pazienza is filled with outrage, passion and insight
delivered with a distinctive point of view, a wicked sense of humor, and a two-fisted style of prose. In Dead Star Twilight, he turns all these on himself
and produces a fierce, funny, disturbing, but ultimately uplifting memoir. This is the book A Million Little Pieces dreamed of being. — Arianna Huffington

But if you read Jane Austen, you know that she had a wicked sense of humor. Not only was she funny, but her early writing was very dark and had a gothic tone to it. — Seth Grahame-Smith

No sight so sad as that of a naughty child," he began, "especially a naughty little girl. Do you know where the wicked go after death?"
"They go to hell," was my ready and orthodox answer.
"And what is hell? Can you tell me that?"
"A pit full of fire."
"And should you like to fall into that pit, and to be burning there for ever?"
"No, sir."
"What must you do to avoid it?"
I deliberated a moment: my answer, when it did come was objectionable: "I must keep in good health and not die. — Charlotte Bronte

Given his personality, I'd say exorcism makes perfect sense as a favored pastime. — Nicki Elson

I am tempted to incapacitate him with the hemlock and then castrate him."
Lena paled. "I don't think that would be very wise," she said. "And the only knife we own is what I use for the cooking. You're not using that."
"I was planning on using a spoon," Honoria replied. — Bec McMaster

Only the wicked understand the ways of the wicked, my dear. ~Madame Zelda to Roller Deb — Red Tash

My body - I do not fall to pieces and be reduced to a big pile of lovable mush over a woman, never! — A.R. Von

There were a great many jokes about the disaster (house falling on and killing Wicked Witch of the East), naturally. "You can't hide from desinty, that house had her name on it" "That Nessarose, she was giving such a good speech about religious lessons, she really brought down the house!" "Everybody needs to grow up and leave home sometimes, but sometimes HOME DOESN'T LIKE IT." "What's the different between a shooting star and a falling house?" "One which is propitious grants delicious wishes, the other which is vicious squishes witches." "What's big, thick, makes the earth move, and wants to have its way with you?" "I don't know, but can you introduce me? — Gregory Maguire

And pictures of perfection, as you know, make me sick and wicked. — Jane Austen

Laeth returned her smile with one as wicked, as he posed the favorite question of one of the combat instructors, "How many ways are there to kill a person with a knife?"
"It doesn't matter, it only takes one to do the job," returned Rialla. — Patricia Briggs

A wicked sense of humor, this one. — Gayle Forman

Grampie's boat was a little double-ender, a model not built nowadays. She was narrow, so that she pitched and rolled something wicked in almost any sea. He could handle her, but he said she was probably the boat Christ got out of and walked away from on the water. — Ruth Moore

They don't fit you?" V asked his roommate.
"Not the point. No offense, but these are wicked Village People." Butch held his heavy arms out and turned in a circle, his bare chest catching the light. "I mean, come on."
"They're for fighting, not fashion."
"So are kilts, but you don't see me rocking the tartan."
"And thank God for that. You're too bowlegged to pull that shit off."
Butch assumed a bored expression. "You can bite me. — J.R. Ward

In the old legends, Arachne had gotten into trouble because of pride. She'd bragged about her tapestries being better than Athena's, which had led to Mount Olympus's first reality TV punishment program: 'So You Think You Can Weave Better Than a Goddess?' Arachne had lost in a big way. — Rick Riordan

Before I leave the bathroom, I pinch my cheeks hard to bring blood to the surface of my skin. It's stupid, but I don't want to look weak and exhausted in front of everyone.
When I walk back into Tobias's room, Uriah is sprawled across the bed facedown; Christina is holding the blue sculpture above Tobias's desk, examining it; and Lynn is poised above Uriah with a pillow, a wicked grin creeping across her face.
Lynn smacks Uriah hard in the back of the head, Christina says, "Hey Tris!" and Uriah cries, "Ow! How on earth do you make a pillow hurt, Lynn?"
"My exceptional strength," she says. "Did you get smacked, Tris? One of your cheeks is bright red."
I must not have pinched the other one hard enough. "No, it's just ... my morning glow. — Veronica Roth

Possibly, mrs. laird ... i'd say. except he's dead, you see. well, not completely dead. he's more of a resurrected god. he judges mortal spirits and feeds the hearts of the wicked to his pet monster.oh, and he has blue skin. i'm sure he'd make quite an impression on career day, for all those students aspiring to grow up and become ancient egyptian deities — Serpent's Shadow Rick Riordan

Isn't that the guy you asked me to throw soda on?"
Colton's head jerked up. He stared first at Reece, then at me. "You asked him to throw soda on me?"
"Of course not. The boy is delirious, That's what happens to children when they're malnourished. They start hallucinating." I put my hand against Reese's forehead as though checking for a temperature. "I'm afraid he has a serious case of it."
Colton folded his arms and continued to glare at me. "No, Charlotte, you have a serious case of it, and I'm not talking about malnourishment."
Reese stepped away from my temperature check and toward Colton. "She said you wouldn't melt like the Wicked Witch of the West, but you might fizz a little." Reese turned back to me. "He never did fizz."
"I'm about to," Colton said. "Just watch for a few more seconds. — Janette Rallison

Arturo as their permanent governor. An uncontested leader who hated them as much as they hated him. One who would take the same amount of pity on them as they'd shown Darling and his sister. None whatsoever. May the gods help them now that he wouldn't be there to protect them from Arturo's wrath. Yeah, fate was a bitch, but she always had a wicked sense of humor. Today, he was her punch line. Tomorrow, she'd be laughing at them. Darling's thoughts turned to Zarya. He wanted to believe she had nothing to do with this. That she'd never sanction such cruelty from her men. But he knew better. Clarion — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Ford Prefect suppressed a little giggle of evil satisfaction, realized that he had no reason to suppress it, and laughed out loud, a wicked laugh. — Douglas Adams

Witches just aren't like that," said Magrat. "We live in harmony with the great cycles of Nature, and do no harm to anyone, and it's wicked of them to say we don't. We ought to fill their bones with hot lead."
The other two looked at her with a certain amount of surprised admiration. She blushed, although not greenly, and looked at her knees.
"Goodie Whemper did a recipe," she confessed. "It's quite easy. What you do is, you get some lead, and you - "
"I don't think that would be appropriate," said Granny carefully, after a certain amount of internal struggle. "It could give people the wrong idea."
"But not for long," said Nanny wistfully. — Terry Pratchett

I genuinely liked all of the cast members very much. Steve had a wicked sense of humor. I remember Russell coming to my rescue, once. I watched Eric evolve before everyone's eyes. Maurice loved what he did, so. He treated his character with respect, down to the costuming. — Madeleine Stowe

I enjoy a misogynist so long as they have a wicked sense of humor and know, on some level, that they're pigs. This is why I enjoy Philip Roth but not Saul Bellow or James Salter. — Heidi Julavits

I'm not just a big-haired redhead country singer who dresses flamboyantly, has this wicked sense of humor and wears rhinestones. — Naomi Judd

I noticed at once that Depp had a dangerously energized intelligence ... He was a suave little brute, but he had a wicked sense of humor and a rare instinct for escalation. — Hunter S. Thompson

Paul Rudnick is a champion of truth (and love and great wicked humor) whom we ignore at our peril. — David Sedaris

You took your clothes off?"
"You didn't notice?"
"No! Jeez Louise, I don't even know you."
"If you look under the covers, you'll know me better."
"I don't want to know you better!"
"That's a big fib," Diesel said. — Janet Evanovich

Working with Ty Power was exciting. In those days, he was the biggest romantic swashbuckler in the world. Murderously handsome! But what I loved most about Ty Power was his wicked sense of humor. — Maureen O'Hara

You're dealing with a character who is, at some points, quite insane. And I hope that any wicked, dark sense of humor Eric exhibits comes out of the fact that he'd been pushed to the point where it seems quite sensible to say some of the ridiculous things he says. — Brandon Lee

Do you know what I like about you, Elizabeth?"
She couldn't even possibly imagine.
"You're as kind and good a person as they come," he continued, "but unlike most kind and good people, you don't preach or cloy, or try to make everyone else kind and good ... And underneath all that kindness and goodness, you seem to possess a wicked sense of humor, no matter how hard you occasionally try to suppress it. — Julia Quinn

In the spring of fifth grade, the boob fairy arrived with her wand and smacked Cassie wicked hard. — Laurie Halse Anderson

You have an amazing imagination!" "I Know," I say, smiling back at her. "my head is chock-full of gruesome ideas — Bonnie Shimko

Eve: "What do you want?"
Nadine: "A man of amazing sexual prowess, great sensitivity, stupendous abs, and the face of an angel. Toss in a wicked sense of humor and stupendous wealth, who adores the very ground I walk on. Oh wait, you already have him. — J.D. Robb

No, you're wrong. I'm a hundred percent callow and deeply shallow. — Stephen Schwartz

All masculine, hard-bodied and sensual, he was a deadly weapon sent by the gods to drive women mad, and a walking billboard for all things wicked and carnal. Orgasms! Get your orgasms here. Hot and juicy! Just how you like 'em! — Lisa Sanchez

She was not sorry. And if it was the wine telling her that, then she would tell the wine the same thing tomorrow. She was not sorry. — Mary Balogh

We found a table. Nora said: "She's pretty."
"If you like them like that."
She grinned at me. "You got types?"
"Only you, darling - lanky brunettes with wicked jaws."
"And how about the red-head you wandered off with at Quinns' last night?"
"That's silly," I said. "She just wanted to show me some French etchings. — Dashiell Hammett

I couldn't help thinkin' if she was as far out o' town as she was out o' tune, she wouldn't get back in a day. — Sarah Orne Jewett

I love the diversity of America. I love the plain, normal sense of humor Americans have. It is not wicked, like in some countries. And I also love how new America is. — Antonio Banderas

The wicked at heart probably know something. — Woody Allen

Was Charles I too stubborn to listen to reason? Could Civil War have been averted if the king had been more willing to negotiate? His great enemy Cromwell always maintained that the king had been swayed at the last moment by his queen, the beautiful Henrietta Maria. We can believe Cromwell's claim that the queen told her husband to be firm. But the wicked, spiteful, altogether irresistable quote often attributed to her by Puritan writers of the time is almost certainly false.
Oh my love, if you cannot remain firm in the bedchamber, at least try to remain firm with your subjects! — Antonia Fraser

Fly, Abraxos," she breathed.
Abraxos sucked in a great breath, tucked his wings in tight, and fell off the side of the post.
He liked to do that - just tumble off as though he'd been struck dead.
Her wyvern, it seemed, had a wicked sense of humor. — Sarah J. Maas

When God created the Earth, he had such a sick wicked sense of humor. He made everything that's wrong feel really, really good. — Miranda Kenneally

And then he asked me how I felt about you."
Now I put real effort into wrestling out of his choke hold, eventually succeeding. I pull back and stare at Shane, horrified. "He didn't."
"He did." His expression is carefully blank, dark eyes fathomless.
"And ... you said ... "
"I said ... "
"That you're in awe of me?"
"Uh-huh."
"That you admire my work ethic?"
"Yep."
"And envy my wicked sense of humor?"
"No."
"My fabulous legs?"
"Meh."
"You lie! — Julianna Keyes

If Donald Trump and the Wicked Witch of the West had a kid, it would be Jayne-Anne. She looks like a librarian with some money and good taste in clothes but underneath the Verace, she's Godzilla with tits. — Richard Kadrey

And are you married, sir?" Mrs Winstanley asked Tom. "Oh no, madam!" said Tom.
"Yes," David reminded him. "You are, you know."
Tom made a motion with his hand to suggest that it was a situation susceptible to different interpretations.
The truth was that he had a Christian wife. At fifteen she had had a wicked little face, almond-shaped eyes and a most capricious nature. Tom had constantly compared her to a kitten. In her twenties she had been a swan; in her thirties a vixen; and then in rapid succession a bitch, a viper, a cockatrice and, finally, a pig. What animals he might have compared her to now no one knew. She was well past ninety now and for forty years or more she had been confined to a set of apartments in a distant part of the Castel des Tours saunz Nowmbre under strict instructions not to shew herself, while her husband waited impatiently for someone to come and tell him she was dead. — Susanna Clarke

Fate was a bitch, but she always had a wicked sense of humor. Today, he was her punch line. Tomorrow, she'd be laughing at them.
-Darling's thoughts — Sherrilyn Kenyon

There are four on whose pots the Holy One, blessed he, knocked, only to find them filled with piss, and these are they: Adam, Cain, the wicked Balaam, and Hezekiah.
Again, an abrupt transposition from the divine to the domestic, from upper to lowly spheres, occurs in the midrash. The homely image of the Holy One knocking on pots apparently derives from the practice of tapping on a clay or earthen pot to hear its ring in order to decide if it is worthy of holding wine. In current Hebrew usage, the expression 'to assess or gauge someone's pot' still denotes taking in the measure of a person's character. From Adam's answer to God, we learn that he turned out to be a pisspot. — Shuli Barzilai

My parents watch too many soap operas, that's their trouble. In fact, they were probably hoping I was pregnant. By my wicked married lover whom they could then murder and bury under the patio. — Sophie Kinsella

You'll think of me every time you go to bed. Then you'll get hard and you'll have no one to help you and you'll never be able to sleep unless you-" She grinned that wicked grin Tyrion liked so well. "-is that why they call it the Tower of the Hand, m'lord? — George R R Martin

God exists. He has one wicked since of humor, and right now he's having a grand old time punking the planet. — Forrest Carr

He gave her a sly, sideways look. "Did you
bring it?"
"My list? Heavens, no. What can you be thinking?"
His smile widened. "I brought mine."
Daphne gasped. "You didn't!"
"I did. Just to torture Mother. I'm going peruse it right in front of her, pull out my quizzing glass - "
"You don't have a quizzing glass."
He grinned - the slow, devastatingly wicked smile that all Bridgerton males seemed to possess. "I bought one just for this occasion."
"Anthony, you absolutely cannot. She will kill you. And then, somehow, she'll find a way to blame me."
"I'm counting on it. — Julia Quinn

I'm feeling particularly good and wicked at the moment. — A.R. Von

Dixon was alive again. Consciousness was upon him before he could get out of the way; not for him the slow, gracious wandering from the halls of sleep, but a summary, forcible ejection. He lay sprawled, too wicked to move, spewed up like a broken spider-crab on the tarry shingle of morning. The light did him harm, but not as much as looking at things did; he resolved, having done it once, never to move his eyeballs again. A dusty thudding in his head made the scene before him beat like a pulse. His mouth had been used as a latrine by some small creature of the night, and then as its mausoleum. During the night, too, he'd somehow been on a cross-country run and then been expertly beaten up by secret police. He felt bad. — Kingsley Amis

"My Peregrination Cap," he grumbles, straightening his tie and vest while wavering on wobbly legs.
I gesture to the layer of moths crawling around on Gizmo's roof. "We lost a few of them to the wind. Sorry."
"Brilliant." Scowling, Morpheus walks over and sweeps his hand across the insects, coaxing them to form the hat. They manage all but the brim. He puts it on anyway and turns to me.
I bite my cheeks in an effort not to laugh.
He narrows his eyes. "Don't get too cheeky, little plum. Though your prank may have been irresistibly wicked, I'm still in the lead by a set of wings." — A.G. Howard

He was one of your wicked, fascinating men. After he got married he left off being fascinating and just kept on being wicked. — L.M. Montgomery

Twain please!" Peck blubbered. "It was never personal. It was just business!"
"Oh Peck, do you think I'm mad at you? I"m a lawyer. I don't get mad. I don't get even." Twain gave him a wicked smile. " I sue people. — Arthur Daigle

Cheese and crackers? Really?" She looks at me skeptically. "Besides, he's not a gigolo, you prude! He's an escort. Big difference."
"An escort who, at the end of the night for a little more cash, will have sex with people. What do you call that?"
Sara's laugh has a wicked edge to it "I call it my good fortune. — Courtney Cole

O sweet, sweet Joanna
How torn my heart!
O sweet, sweet Joanna
Our kiss shall never part!
O sweet, sweet Joanna
How thine eyes do mine miss!
O sweet, sweet Joanna
Lushest green now turned to mist!
O sweet, sweet Joanna
How wicked the under-lord king!
O sweet, sweet Joanna
Who stole our cherished ring! — M.L. LeGette