What Are You Doing Funny Quotes & Sayings

I think a lot comes from having the experience of doing stand-up comedy. It allows you to figure out the psychology of an audience; what things are funny and not. — Keenen Ivory Wayans

The parents are making threatening noises, turning dinner into performance art, with dad doing his Arnold Schwarzenegger imitation and mom playing Glenn Close in one of her psycho roles. I am the Victim.
Mom: [creepy smile] "Thought you could put one over us, did you, Melinda? Big high school students now, don't need to show your homework to your parents, don't need to show any failing test grades?"
Dad: [bangs table, silverware jumps] "Cut the crap. She knows what's up. The interim reports came today. Listen to me, young lady. I'm only going to say this to you once. You get those grades up or your name is mud. Hear me? Get them up!" [Attacks baked potato.] — Laurie Halse Anderson

Good comics stick around. There are people who have TV shows that might be successful, but comics can't really fake it. If you say, 'Hey, I love what you guys are doing - you're funny,' then you're in. It's legit. — Wanda Sykes

Charlotte!" Denbigh roared. "What are you doing in my bedroom, and why didn't you knock?"
"I brought the doctor," she said with asperity.
"A young lady does not enter the bedroom of a gentleman to whom she is not married," Denbigh retorted.
"Then what is Olivia doing in here?" she asked.
"Olivia is my sister."
"So?"
"You are my ward."
"So?"
Olivia laughed. "Oh, Lion, you won't win an argument with Charlotte. Believe me, I've tried. — Joan Johnston

Brooke?" he finally found the sense to ask. "What are you doing here?"
"I need a gun."
This was not how his dream was supposed to go. — Shannon K. Butcher

If Sloane's quiet words hadn't been enough to get Dex squirming in his towel, Sloane's quick kiss to his lips sealed the deal. Oh God, he was about to get a hard-on at work, and the bastard that was the cause of it was loving every moment of it.
Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts.
Ash's growl echoed through the showers. "What are you two gay boys doing in there?"
Aaand done.
--Dex — Charlie Cochet

Parker, what are you doing?" "Making a funny face in an effort to make you stop staring at me like I murdered your beloved goldfish. — Penny Reid

Kate stood by the door with her arms crossed.
That was an anti-Curran pose. What the hell was the Beast Lord doing here?
I padded to the door.
"First, you didn't come home." Curran's voice held zero humor. "Second, I'm told that my mate is lingering in Raphael's house. There can't be any good reason for you to be here."
"Are you spying on me, Your Furriness?" Kate asked. — Ilona Andrews

Rhiannon's Law #22. You can't lie to yourself, so don't bother trying. Doing so only multiplies your douchebag level to the umpteenth power and confirms what others have been saying for years - that you are an idiot. — J.A. Saare

Dorothy's coming up. I think she's tight."
"That's great." I picked up my bathrobe. "I was afraid I was going to have to get some sleep."
She was bending over looking for her slippers. "Don't be such an old fluff. You can sleep all day." She found her slippers and stood up in them. "Is she really as afraid of her mother as she says?"
"If she's got any sense. Mimi's poison."
Nora screwed up her dark eyes at me and asked slowly: "What are you holding out on me?"
"Oh, dear," I said, " I was hoping I wouldn't have to tell you. Dorothy is really my daughter. I didn't know what I was doing, Nora. It was spring in Venice and I was so young and there was a moon over the ... "
"Be funny. Don't you want something to eat? — Dashiell Hammett

He bent down so I could hear him over the music. "What are you doing here?" he asked with a hard tone.

Okay. Not the best first line. Something like, you look beautiful, have my babies would have been a little bit better. — R.S. Grey

It's funny: when people always talk about the importance of role models, I used to think that was so exaggerated, but as I get older, I start to realize I don't feel that way so much anymore. If you see somebody like you who's doing something, an older version of what you are, it does make you feel like it's more possible. — Demetri Martin

What are you boys doing?" she asks, as if we're still little kids messing around.
"Arguin'," Carlos says matter-of-factly. — Simone Elkeles

What are you doing?"
"I'm, uh, acting normal."
"No you're not. You're acting like someone pretending to be normal. Stop pretending and start acting, but don't act like you're not pretending, that'll make it worse. — Derek Landy

You never saw Peter Sellers the actor trying to make you laugh. All he was doing was the character. What I'm saying is that I don't think you should know you're in a movie. I don't like it when actors are winking at the audience and saying, 'Right, isn't this funny? Are you with me?' — Steve Carell

Skulduggery."
"Fletcher."
Fletcher stuck out his hand. Skulduggery observed it for a moment.
"I'm sorry, what are we doing now?"
"Shaking hands," Fletcher said. "Like adults. I just want you to know that this past year has changed me. I've grown, as a person. I'm not the same Fletcher you used to know.
"You look a lot like him."
"Well, yeah, but-"
"And you have the same ridiculous hair."
"Can we just shake hands?"
"Of course we can," Skulduggery said, and they shook. "Now what?"
"I, uh...I don't really know. What do adults usually do after they shake hands?"
"Generally, the first thing they do is let go."
"Oh, right," Fletcher said, and Skulduggery took his hand back. "So, Skulduggery, how have you been? You're looking well. That's a really nice tie.
"It's blue."
"And such a nice shade."
Skulduggery looked at Valkyrie. "You promised me he wouldn't be annoying. — Derek Landy

She waved, laughing, waiting for him to go zooming past her. Instead he slowed, then came to a stop right in front of her.
"What are you doing?" she demanded, as he put his foot on the asphalt. She pointed to the finish line, a scant hundred yards away. "Go."
People around them started screaming. Josh ignored them all.
He pulled off his glasses. "How you doing?"
"Josh! This isn't funny. Move." She glanced over his shoulder, knowing the other racers would appear at any second. "Just finish. You can win. Then we'll talk."
"We can talk now."
She shrieked. "No! I said I was wrong. I said I loved you. What more do you want?"
"You," he said. "For always."
"Yes, yes. You can have that. Now go. Cross the finish line. It's right there. Can't see it? Hurry."
"You'll marry me?"
The man next to her turned. "For God's sake, lady. Marry him already. — Susan Mallery

I just find it funny what people will comment on, I try to not pay that much attention to it, but the crazy part is that if I'm doing a squat and I have an action photo, they're like, "Oh your form is off!" And I'm like, are you kidding? I'm still at the gym and you're not! — Khloe Kardashian

Gemma Davidson," she answered, her voice as groggy as I felt.
"Where are you?" I asked.
"Who is this?"
"Elvis."
"What time is it?"
"Hammer time?"
"Charley."
"Did you text me? Did your car break down?"
"No and no. Why are you doing this to me?" She was funny.
"Check your cell."
I heard a loud, sleepy sigh, some rustling of sheets, then, "It won't come on."
"Not at all?"
"No. What did you do to it?"
"I ate it for breakfast. Check the battery compartment."
"Where the hell is that?"
"Um, behind the battery door."
"Are you punking me?" I heard her fumbling with the phone.
"Gem, if I was going to punk you, I wouldn't simply turn off your phone. I would pour honey in your hair while you slept. Or, you know, something like that."
"That was you?" she asked, appalled. — Darynda Jones

If you are doing stand-up comedy, you have to be confident in what you are doing. That doesn't mean just because you are confident you are funny. — Judah Friedlander

All I need is
backup. He's the little angel that sits on my shoulder whispering in my ear,
"You can do it!" It's funny. I'm thirty years old now and I still feel like a little
girl. I'm still looking around to check and see what other people are doing
to make sure I'm not completely different; I'm still looking around for help,
hoping for a quick nudge and a whisper of advice. But I can't seem to be able
to catch anybody's eye. Nobody else around me seems to be looking around
and wondering what to do. Why is it that I feel like I'm the only person who
is confused and concerned about the choices I've made and where I'm
headed? Everywhere I look, I see people just getting on with it. Maybe I
should just follow suit and get on with it. — Cecelia Ahern

I have met Mariah before and she's really cool and so funny. Everyone has been given the wrong impression of her, and maybe it is her doing. But you have to remember that celebrities are always in the spotlight and are sometimes forced to conduct themselves in a different way than they normally do. That's how it is in the business. I have met artists who are real divas, but Mariah Carey is not one of them. She is a very sweet person, and what nobody sees off camera is the real person she is on the inside. — Janet Jackson

Looking at a human being or even a picture of a human being is different from looking at an object. Newborn babies, only hours old, copy the expressions of adults. They pucker up, try to grin, look surprised, and stick out their tongues. The photographs of imitating infants are both funny and touching. They do not know they are doing it; this response is in them from the beginning. Later, people learn to suppress the imitation mechanism; it would not be good if we went on forever copying every facial expression we saw. Nevertheless, we human beings love to look at faces because we find ourselves there. When you smile at me, I feel a smile form on my own face before I am aware it is happening, and I smile because I am seeing me in your eyes and know that you like what you see. — Siri Hustvedt

When you paint late at night, drinking beer or wine or both, you gotta be very careful to watch what you are doing ... — Hiroko Sakai

Funny bones, to me, are more important than funny lines. If a comedian is just not likable and doing the lines, you could read them yourself. Whereas if someone [you like] shambles out, and they tell you what a bad day they've had, they don't have to say anything. I love them. I want to hug them because they've been through something. And it comes back to empathy, always empathy. — Ricky Gervais

What are you waiting for?" shanna asked. "He's dying! Do it!"
Conner looked at Angus. "Ye do it. It was yer idea."
"Nay? Ye were the first to suggest it. Ye do it."
"I'm no' touching him." Conner said.
He nudged Phineas "Ye do it."
"I don't even know how!" Phineas poked at Robby. "You do it."
"Why me?" Robby turned to Angus. "Ye're the expert. Ye do it."
Angus grimaced. "I'm no' doing it. I hate the bugger."
"Stop it!" Shanna screamed "You- Forget it! I'll do it myself."
"Shanna you don't know how," Roman said.
"Gods blood. I guess I have to do it."
"You guess?" Shanna cried "Are you going to let him die?"
"He threatens to kill me every time he sees me. — Kerrelyn Sparks

Son of a - Rora?" Blake slid out of the crater he'd just made in the wall. "Crap. What are you doing here?" He saw my wrist. "Handcuffs? I definitely want that story. — A&E Kirk

Hey, what are you doing with your hand?" Eli's voice came out high pitched in surprise, as she clutched at Rafe's shoulders.
"It's the best place for leverage if you're going to make that ladder."
"My ass? Really?"
"What can I say, I've done the math, factored in the weight and height ratios and your ass is definitely where I will gain the most leverage in lifting you. — Jane Cousins

He hesitated. "Nothing, man. What are you doing right now?"
I looked down. "Petting my snake."
Malcolm laughed. "With anyone else, that would be a metaphor. Good thing I can always count on you. — Diana Peterfreund

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs ... and more holes, that's what you ladies need! — Doug Stanhope

They better not put me in the All -Star Game. I won't shoot, but I'll dominate that easy game. I'll be playing hard defense. I'll be foulin'. I'll be flagrant fouling. Everyone will be like, 'What are you doing?' — Metta World Peace

I'm confused, Beatrice," she says. "What exactly do you want us to do?"
"I didn't come here to ask you for help," I say. "I thought you should know that a lot of people are going to die, very soon. And I know you don't want to stay here doing nothing while that happens, even if some of your faction does."
She looks down, her crooked mouth betraying just how right I am.
"I also wanted to ask you if we can talk to the Erudite you're keeping safe here," I say. "I know they're hidden, but I need access to them."
"And what do you intend to do?" she says.
"Shoot them," I say, rolling my eyes.
"That isn't funny."
I sigh. "Sorry. I need information. That's all. — Veronica Roth

His fingers lightly grazed my cheek. "I didn't know you before. When you're not there, I can't concentrate. I'm wondering where you are, what you're doing ... if you're there and I can see you, I can see you, I can focus. I know it's crazy, but that's how it is."
"And crazy is exactly the way I like it," I said, leaning up to kiss his lips.
"Obviously," America muttered under breath. — Jamie McGuire

What are you doing?" I asked Loretta.
"Stabbing a cushion," she told me. — Joel N. Ross

Start dating someone who is funny, someone who has what in high school you called a "really great sense of humor" and what now your creative writing class calls "self-contempt giving rise to comic form." Write down all of his jokes, but don't tell him you are doing this. Make up anagrams of his old girlfriend's name and name all of your socially handicapped characters with them. Tell him his old girlfriend is in all of your stories and then watch how funny he can be, see what a really great sense of humor he can have. — Lorrie Moore

Well," said the frog, "what are you going to do about it?"
"Marrying Therandil? I don't know. I've tried talking to my parents, but they won't listen, and neither will Therandil."
"I didn't ask what you'd said about it," the frog snapped. "I asked what you're going to do. Nine times out of ten, talking is a way of avoiding doing things. — Patricia C. Wrede

What are you doing now, you lazy drunken obscene unsayable son of an unnameable unmarried gipsy obscenity? What are you doing? — Ernest Hemingway,

Kids are funny. You have to watch what you're doing. — Jerome David Salinger

He has a funny look in his eyes as if to say, "Come off it, Shiva, I know what you are up to, I know what you are doing." And you say, "What, me?" So he looks at you in this funny way until finally you get the feeling that he sees all the way through you; and that all your selfishness and evil, nasty thoughts are transparent to his gaze. Then you have to try and alter them. He suggests that you practice the control of the mind, that you become interiorly silent, and that you give up selfish desires of the skin-encapsulated self. Then you may have some success in quieting your mind and in concentrating. But after that, he will throw a curve at you, which is: Are you not still desiring not to desire? Why are you trying to be unselfish? Well, the answer is, "I want to be on the side of the big battalions. I think it is going to pay off better to be unselfish than to be selfish. — Alan W. Watts

There was some sort of commotion going on outside, and I decided I'd had enough. I went to the door and stuck my head out. Marco was gasping for breath on the sofa, and two of the guards were bent over a cell phone.
"What are you doing?" I demanded.
"Trying to record this," the smart-ass from the shopping trip told me. "Nobody is going to believe us otherwise."
"Well, cut it out. It isn't funny!"
"On what planet?"
I glared at him, which did no good,because he simply went back to to tinkering with the phone. So I looked at Marco. "Can't you do anything with them?"
Marco flopped a hand at me, tears streaming down his reddened cheeks, and tried to say something. But all that came out for several moments were asthmatic wheezes. I bent over his prone form, starting to worry about him, and he put a hand on my neck and pulled me down.
" It ... is ... funny," he gasped. — Karen Chance

The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge. — David Sedaris

I knew I wanted to be in show business so I took the path of least resistance. I loved comedy. But you never know you are funny until people laugh. It's just what I was interested in. I could make people laugh, I guess, but doing it at school and doing it onstage are very different things. — Steve Martin

I can walk... see."
I made my legs walk.
"What are you doing?"
"Vertical walkin'."
Alec laughed. "Pitch Perfect?"
"Amazin' film. — L.A. Casey

What are you doing with all these books?" I asked, stepping towards a tall stack on the floor. I ran my fingers down the spines, recognizing a few familiar titles from School: Heart of Darkness, The Great Gatsby, and To the Lighthouse.
Caleb came beside me, his warm shoulder brushing against mine. "I do this funny thing sometimes," she said, shooting me a mischievous grin. "I open a book, and I look at each page. It's called reading — Anna Carey

There is some pressure when you are a woman doing what I do that you must support all other women unconditionally, no matter what they're projecting, or writing, or producing, or putting forth as their art. I think that's equally arbitrary and random and unfair, and kind of sexist. The secretly sexist way. I have really high standards for what I think is funny. I have that for everything, and I think it would be disingenuous of me to blanket-ly love everything a woman has produced simply to make a statement that we're all in this together. — Mindy Kaling

I've never claimed that this is investment art. When we first started out, all the art colleges and universities across the country would sort of badmouth what we were doing. It's funny that a lot of them now are sending us letters saying, 'We may not totally agree with the way you paint, but we appreciate what you're doing, because you're sending literally thousands of people into art colleges. — Bob Ross

I always surprise myself with my voice. A lot of people don't get it, and they're like, 'You can't sing. Stop. What are you doing?' And it's funny to hear a lot people say I sing in falsetto because it's not falsetto - that's my voice. — Shamir

When I introduced you to Mary Ann, I wanted to call you my girlfriend, Elli," he looked up at her to see her eyes were wide, "I've never had a girlfriend, so I'm not sure if I'll do the boyfriend/girlfriend thing right, but the thought of you being with someone else, or me with someone else, actually hurts my gut, so I guess what I'm trying to say is," he took a deep breath, this was huge, and he thought he sounded stupid but with the way her eyes were glazing over, maybe he was doing this right. "I was wondering if you wanted to be my girlfriend." She smiled at him lovingly, cupping his face in her hands.
"Are you sure? I'm kinda crazy." He laughed, kissing her palm.
"I'm sure."
"Then, yes, Shea, I would love to be your girlfriend. — Toni Aleo

What are you doing here?"
All right, he was standing in front of an easel, holding a paint palette and brush. "Taxidermy?" he responded with just a touch of his own sarcasm. — Robyn Carr