Very Funny Inspirational Quotes & Sayings

Good things come to those who hustle — Chuck Noll

I Take Life Very Seriously: One Joke At A Time. — Sandra Chami Kassis

And there's no "I love you" message because Steve Ovett has married the girl — David Coleman

Life is strange and funny with many winding roads ahead ... but the roads of greed and hypocrisy will lead to a person's downfall each and every time. — Timothy Pina

Pastors are starting to get wily. When people tell my friend, 'I'm not being fed,' he replies, 'I'm prefectly happy to spoon feed my one-year-old. But if I'm still spoon-feeding him when he's five, we've got a problem. Here's a fork. Feed yourself. — Jon Acuff

Everyone always says to me, 'Why aren't there more people of color on television?' I'm like, 'Why don't you ask a bunch of people who aren't putting people of color on television why there aren't more people of color on television?' — Shonda Rhimes

There you are. A simple commandment. Not ten of them, just one: 'Thou shalt not eat.' (Personally, I wish the very first edict from God hadn't involved dieting, don't you?) — Liz Curtis Higgs

It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods. — Geraldine Ferraro

Funny thing about guilt: There's nothing so bad that you can't add a little guilt to it and make it worse; and there's nothing so good you can't add guilt to it and make it better. Guilt distracts us from a greater truth: we have an inherent ability to heal. We seem intent on living through even the worst heartbreak... How? ... Practice. — C. Jay Cox

And with alphabetical irony Nigeria follows New Zealand — David Coleman

People say there's delays on flights. Delays, really? New York to California in five hours, that used to take 30 years, a bunch of people used to die on the way there, have a baby, you would end up with a whole different group of people by the time you got there. Now you watch a movie and [go to the toilet] and you're home. — Louis C.K.

She hasn't run faster than herself before — Zola Budd

When anybody laughs, he has no mind, no thought, no problem, no suffering. — H.W.L. Poonja

These motivational tapes have really inspired me! I'm going to make a million dollars, buy my own company and retire early. Then, I'm going to write a novel and a symphony and give all the profits to charity. Then next month, I'll figure out how to do it. — Randy Glasbergen

Don't take life too seriously. — RuPaul

Men hunt I think maybe because they have something wrong with their own equipment and they need something else to shoot. — Pamela Anderson

It's hard enough to find an error in your code when you're looking for it; it's even harder when you've assumed your code is error-free. — Steve McConnell

I don't think about it in terms of being a woman. Being gracious, attentive, curious, interested are requirements for everyone. — Jenna Lyons

I had no intention of becoming a comedian. I just wanted to make people happy. I tried everything-I shucked oysters, I painted houses, I sold vacuum cleaners. But there was always a voice saying, You should be doing something different. And it was usually my boss and I was being fired. — Ellen DeGeneres

When I was a little girl I used to read fairy tales. In fairy tales you meet Prince Charming and he's everything you ever wanted. In fairy tales the bad guy is very easy to spot. The bad guy is always wearing a black cape so you always know who he is. Then you grow up and you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair. — Taylor Swift

That's the key, you know, confidence. I know for a fact that if you genuinely like your body, so can others. It doesn't really matter if it's short, tall, fat or thin, it just matters that you can find some things to like about it. Even if that means having a good laugh at the bits of it that wobble independently, occasionally, that's all right. It might take you a while to believe me on this one, lots of people don't because they seem to suffer from self-hatred that precludes them from imagining that a big woman could ever love herself because they don't. But I do. I know what I've got is a bit strange and difficult to love but those are the very aspects that I love the most! It's a bit like people. I've never been particularly attracted to the uniform of conventional beauty. I'm always a bit suspicious of people who feel compelled to conform. I personally like the adventure of difference. And what's beauty, anyway? — Dawn French

When everyone thinks alike, no one thinks very much. — Walter Lippmann

For it is written that if the wise man appears always stupid, his failures do not disappoint, and his success gives pleasant surprise. — Christopher Moore

It is only the very wisest and the very stupidest who cannot change. — Confucius

Today I plan to smile a lot, only so people who know me will be freaked the fuck out. — R.D. Ronald

We drink to those who love us, we drink to those who don't. We drink to those who fuck us, and fuck those who don't! — Tamsyn Bester

Most people's major life changes don't come from reading an article in the newspaper; they come from reading longer-form essays or thoughtful books, which are much more convincing and detailed. — Aaron Swartz

The poor Sufi dressed in rags walked into a jewelry store owned by a rich merchant and asked him, "Do you know how you're going to die." And the Sufi said, "I do.""How?" asked the merchant.
And the Sufi lay down, crossed his arms, said, "Like this," and died, whereupon the merchant promptly gave up his store to live a life of poverty in pursuit of the kind of spiritual wealth the dead Sufi had acquired. — John Green

A man always blames the woman who fools him. In the same way he blames the door he walks into in the dark. — H.L. Mencken

Man is born for uprightness. If a man lose his uprightness and yet live, his escape from death is mere good fortune. — Confucius

When a female cop pull you over for speeding, to get out of the ticket, talk nice to her, try to flirt or start crying, i bet she will save the ticket for you. — Werley Nortreus

Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes. — Marie Von Ebner-Eschenbach

Hope implies that you think you have a chance at something. — Richelle Mead

I don't even pretend to believe I know everything; I just believe in arguments God told me I had a pretty good chance of winning, while I was traveling through hell. — Shannon L. Alder

There is a story I always tell my students ... when I came for the 1st time to the US. I didn't speak English (Only Spanish) & I saw on every door the word "exit" which in Spanish means Success = Exito. And then I said :"No wonder Americans are winners ,every door they open leads to success — Pablo

I'm a big health food freak and a vegetarian devotee. — Chelsea Clinton

If you were not cast into the abyss, you would have never groped, reached as far as you could reach, to grasp for anything that you could possibly touch, anything that you could possibly feel brushing against your fingertips! Funny how in the darkness, we come to find the things that we never saw before all the lights departed! It's like someone needed to turn the lights out, to make us find all the things that we never looked for when the lights were on! And it's in that blackness that we wake up to the true light! My friends, curse not the darkness! It has given you many things! — C. JoyBell C.

Funny how people don't really see each other. Men and women. They invent each other in their minds and then they see what they invent.They don't really see each other. Now she was in love with him and she didn't even know his real name, didn't know anything real about him. — Andrew Klavan

I don't want to hear what anyone has to say about my life. Living it is hard enough. — C.D. Reiss

As a woman, I know you're young but you gotta hear it now,the most valuable part about you is your brain. Get an education,don't let anybody tell you that your body or the size that you wear or any of that bullshit matters because it doesn't. Your brain matters, so be the smart girl in the room because to be funny you have to be smart, because you have to get the joke — Sophia Bush

Mary Decker Slaney, the world greatest front runner, I shouldn't be surprised to see her at the front — Ron Pickering

Excessive animal protein is at the core of many chronic diseases. — T. Colin Campbell

If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. — Edsger Dijkstra

Laughing, how can you fall asleep? It brings a state of no-mind and no-thought, and does not allow you to fall asleep. — Rajneesh