Turd Quotes & Sayings

He's the meanest one. We call him..Byrd the Turd — Marthe Jocelyn

I just let it roll. Like a hot turd down a hill. — Charles Bukowski

...some of it's how he acts like he's King Shit of Turd Mountain, but mostly it's that he's sneaky, and he likes to hurt — Stephen King

I've come to acknowledge the turd". — Karen Marie Moning

Do as she says, you wormfaced, crawling, sand-brained piece of lizard turd! — Frank Herbert

And then there's my brother Wally; he's four years younger than me, and he's the classic younger brother
a turd. The Turd is kind of like that old nursery rhyme about snails and puppy dog tails; he's got the intelligence of a slug and he's about as well house-trained as a Chihuahua. — Huston Piner

My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things. Let's stay out of the bacon market! It says It looks and tastes like real bacon! No it doesn't! It tastes like somebody bacon-flavored a turd, that's what it tastes like! — Bill Engvall

I will make it my personal mission in life to squash you and your department like a horse turd under my boot heel. — Leslie Murray

Maybe I didn't try as hard as I ought when he started calling you
names. Serves him right, the nasty old turd. Punch him again, Moth - Peaseblossom — Lisa Mantchev

But I'm your brother." Daniel sounded genuinely wounded. "You," she announced, "are a turd in the punch bowl of life. — Gary Paulsen

I was swimming with the turd sharks in an ocean made of piss — Sam Cheever

The business friend did not recognize the sewerman, which was not surprising as the man's face was no more than a shining turd. — Elias Canetti

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson. — John Oliver

Sister Evangelina shared this robust humour. Before an enema: "Now then, Dad, we're going to put a squib up your arse, shake your insides about a bit. Got the jerry ready, Mother, and the clothes pegs to clip on our noses." Laughter would continue about how he hadn't "been" for a fortnight, and there must be a turd inside as big as an elephant's. And no one was the slightest bit embarrassed, least of all the patient. No, — Jennifer Worth

or hit you in the turd hole by accident. — Debra Anastasia

The placement of a perfect perfumed turd passive-aggressive zinger is equal to the flush of an orgasm. It is sublime. — Angela Ricketts

Ian did, with a blackened eye, skinned knuckles, and the terse report that Manfred had declared a set intention of going off and hanging himself, and good riddance to the fornicating son of a bitch, and might his rotten bowels gush forth like Judas Iscariot's, the traitorous, stinking wee turd. — Diana Gabaldon

I'm not afraid to play ugly - look at 'Adaptation.' I looked like a turd that a cat had coughed up. — Nicolas Cage

I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl. — Christopher Titus

A young English couple was visiting with me one summer after I had been composting humanure for about six years. One evening, as dinner was being prepared, the couple suddenly understood the horrible reality of their situation: the food they were about to eat was recycled human shit. When this fact abruptly dawned upon them, it seemed to set off an instinctive alarm, possibly inherited directly from Queen Victoria. "We don't want to eat shit!" they informed me, rather distressed (that's an exact quote), as if in preparing dinner I had simply set a steaming turd on a plate in front of them with a knife, fork and napkin. — Joseph Jenkins

You look as if you have bitten into a turd. — Norman Spinrad

Jerry Bruckheimer creates comedy, he just doesn't realize because he's a turd. — Trey Parker

Sometimes a phone made me think of an elephant turd. You know, all the shit you hear. A phone is a phone but what comes through it is another matter. — Charles Bukowski

Danny pointed to the organist. "While we're waiting, did you know Pachelbel's 'Canon in D' was composed almost four hundred years ago?" Stevie sighed. "Myself, along with the majority of the other good-looking, upstanding citizens of this country, don't give a flying steamy turd about Pocket Ball." "Pachelbel." "Him too. — Rich Amooi

Don't ever write a novel unless it hurts like a hot turd coming out — Charles Bukowski

You're like a turd that won't flush. — Dennis Hopper

Sometimes you've got to eat a turd sandwich; makes the ribeye taste better next time. — Shane Battier

Gonna be a real frog-strangling turd-floater. — Charles Martin

Everyone had taken their places, when I excused myself to visit the bathroom, and there, in the toilet, was the absolute biggest turd I have ever seen in my life - no toilet paper or anything, just this long and coiled specimen, as thick as a burrito. — David Sedaris

Life and water are inseparable. Three quarters of the earth's surface is covered by water, just as three quarters of your body is made up of water. Even in the driest desert where rain may come just once every few years, the cycles of life are based on waiting for the arrival of water. Our bodies are not so patient.
Every cell in your body needs water to survive, and that means that drinking plenty of clean, fresh water can make you stronger healthier and smarter. Water carries oxygen and fuel to your cells, lubricates your joints, regulates your body temperature, and plays a key roll in just about every function of your body.
My number one roadie, POODIE, says, You can't make a turd without grease. — Willie Nelson

He's the turd that won't flush, as Strike put it to Lucy, — Robert Galbraith

Ones Turd smells the same be of Servant or Prince (English Translation) — Ricardo Cdcbsi 83592 Arjona

See things for what they are. Drop your blinders and raise the sewer to eye level. Admit that your swimming in shit. If you don't acknowledge the turd heading down the drain towards you; you can't dodge it. — Karen Marie Moning

And why was Sheriff Turd-Breath so keen on talking to Ray-Ray? Ray-Ray — Kevin Wolf

Wally, stop playing with your beans."
Mom is participating in a nightly ritual that never changes. Tonight, The Turd's picking up lima beans, sniffing each one, and burying it in his mashed potatoes.
"I'm not playing with them," he says, matter-of-factly. "I'm checking them for fleas. — Huston Piner

My biggest objection to Fox News, I say, is not the scaremongering, it's the way it's reshaped the Republican party. It will misrepresent social and economic issues, and promote the more extreme elements of the party, politicians such as Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee, in a way that is hugely detrimental to American politics. (For the record, Rupert Murdoch disagrees, and last year claimed that Fox News "absolutely saved" the Republican party.) "Watching these channels all day is incredibly depressing," says Stewart. "I live in a constant state of depression. I think of us as turd miners. I put on my helmet, I go and mine turds, hopefully I don't get turd lung disease. — Anonymous

A turd placed in the snow will become hard and significantly less odorous than its warm weather counterpart. This doesn't mean that it has ceased to be a turd. — P.J. Hetherhouse

I like incidents of that sort, when forces that are usually so sneaky and hard to point out slither out of the grass and are as obvious as, say, an anaconda that's eaten a cow or an elephant turd on the carpet. — Rebecca Solnit

Big as a horse turd floating in a milk shake.
Wyatt Dixson — James Lee Burke

Your mama musta had to take a double dose of laxatives to bring you into this world, ya lyin' little turd," he growled, fists clenching at his sides. — Amy Cook

I always say to my religious friends, if a pool had even one turd in it, would you jump in? — Bill Maher

You are but a hard turd in the ass of my journey. — David Liss

The worst thing for a writer is to know another writer, and worse than that, to know a number of other writers. Like flies on the same turd. — Charles Bukowski

Turd-eating son of a flying tortoise — Diana Gabaldon

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves! — Jon Stewart

Like they say, no point in rubbin' a turd. — Julia Wertz

Internet Explorer, Microsoft's crashware turd that no one under the age of forty used voluntarily. — Cory Doctorow

Michelangelo continually had trouble with his assistants and had to sack several for poor workmanship, laziness, or even - in one particular case - because the lad in question was 'a stuck-up little turd'. — Alexander Lee

I opened my eyes to see the rat taking a piss in my coffee mug. It was a huge brown bastard; had a body like a turd with legs and beady black eyes full of secret rat knowledge. — Warren Ellis

I was talking to my friend from New York yesterday, and I used the expression, 'You can't polish a turd'. He looked at me, disgusted, and said, 'No, you can't, but you can roll it in glitter'. He's a lovely guy but I wouldn't want to go to a craft fair with him — Steve Williams

What I'm going to do is pry every stinking tag off these f.ing chairs and make a f.ing collar and throw that cat right in Connor's puked-up face. Pale turd. — John Updike

Sir Gerald Moore: I was at dinner last evening, and halfway through the pudding, this four-year-old child came alone, dragging a little toy cart. And on the cart was a fresh turd. Her own, I suppose. The parents just shook their heads and smiled. I've made a big investment in you, Peter. Time and money, and it's not working. Now, I could just shake my head and smile. But in my house, when a turd appears, we throw it out. We dispose of it. We flush it away. We don't put it on the table and call it caviar. — Tom Wolfe

If every time we choose a turd, society, at a great expense, simply allows us to redeem it for a pepperoni, then not only will we never learn to make smart choices, we will also surrender the freedom to choose, because a choice without consequences is no choice at all. — Tom Robbins

If someone asked her just then what memory was, what the purest definition of memory was, she would say this: the street you were on when you first jumped in a pile of dead leaves. She was walking it right now. With every fresh crunch came the memory of previous crunches. She was permeated by familiar smells: wet woodchip and gravel around the base of the tree, newly laid turd underneath the cover of soggy leaves. She was moved by these sensations. — Zadie Smith

I live in a 9 million dollar turd. — Ozzy Osbourne

This party is turning out to be the turd-encrusted cherry on the top of my shit-shake of a day. — Jody Gehrman

All night the angelic made me gasp for breadth and dream of drowning in sand or earth or mud. I got up, my chest still racked, but glad to be finished with the phantasms which magnify a reality difficult enough in itself. Coffee so bitter it was undrinkable. A big roar. Two big roars. No relief. The mornings only consolation was of a faecal nature. Unexpectedly and impeccably i produced a magnificent turd, so long it had to curve at the ends to fit into the bowl. I contemplated fondly the fine chubby little babe of living clay i'd just brought forth, and my zest for life returned. — Michel Tournier

Drawing attention to Gretchen's weight was the sort of behavior my mother referred to as 'stirring the turd,' and I did it a lot that summer. — David Sedaris

I was like a turd that drew flies instead of like a flower that butterflies and bees desired. I wanted to live alone,I felt best being alone, cleaner,,, — Charles Bukowski

Maybe my pussy wasn't good enough for him. You know what? Fuck you, you slutty, obnoxious, turd. My pussy is prime pussy. — K.M. Golland

When at last a cab arrived and pulled up directly in front of me, I was astonished to discover that seventeen grown men and women believed they had a perfect right to try to get in ahead of me. A middle-aged man in a cashmere coat who was obviously wealthy and well-educated actually laid hands on me. I maintained possession by making a series of aggrieved Gallic honking noises - "Mais, non! Mais, non!" - and using my bulk to block the door. I leaped in, resisting the chance to catch the pushy man's tie in the door and let him trot along with us to the Gare du Nord, and told the driver to get me the hell out of there. He looked at me as if I were a large, imperfectly formed turd, and with a disgusted sigh engaged first gear. — Bill Bryson

But where did this veneration of childbirth come from? I missed that meeting. Childbirth is wonderful, childbirth is a miracle. Wrong. It's no more a miracle than eating food and a turd coming out your ass. — Bill Hicks

I'm trying to put things in the best light, but a turd's a turd, whatever light it's in! — Joe Abercrombie

Even summarized, it sounded nuttier than a squirrel turd at a peanut festival. — Laura Kaye

A woman's love is like the morning dew. It's just as likely to settle on a horse turd as a rose. — Larry McMurtry

Jesus, Oscar, Rudolfo said nervously. You look like they put a shirt on a turd, — Junot Diaz

She smiled at him. It was her special smile. Her please go away you piece of sub-proletarian turd smile. — Helen Zahavi

Apparently, it was possible to polish a turd. — Liliana Hart

I thought again of how Tobin had already killed five good people and was about to be the cause of two more dying. I couldn't believe that this little turd had actually caused all this death and misery. The only explanation I had for it was that short people with beady eyes and big appetites were ruthless and dangerous. — Nelson DeMille

He's as smooth as a fresh-laid turd and gives off the same smell. — Ian Rankin

Javier Pastore wouldn't get a beach ball off me if we were locked in a phone box. He's turd. Anyone who thinks he isn't is clueless. — Joey Barton

You whoreson scalawag!" said I. "You flesh-turd dropped stinking from the poxy arsehole of a hare-lipped harlot! — Christopher Moore

Sevro snorts. "What do you think I've been doing this whole time, you silky turd? Wanking off in the bushes?"
Cassius and I look at each other.
"Kind of," I say.
"Yeah, actually," Cassius agrees. — Pierce Brown

As a photo-journalist your presence anywhere is as welcome as turd falling into a Ming vase. — Steve Merrick

Pompous worm-faced snob-head camel turd. — Tui T. Sutherland

I like to think of myself as a regular guy, except I play football for a living. I try not to be an arrogant turd out there. — Brian Urlacher

If Polity forces were to turn up here, then your king would have to respond, by which time the turd trajectory would be fanwards. — Neal Asher

Wherever nauseated time has dropped a nice fat turd you will find our patriots, sniffing it up on all fours, their faces on fire. — Samuel Beckett

That food was so bad I can't wait for it to become a turd and leave me. — Thomas McGuane

Rowf's rump slid suddenly forward as smoothly as a turd from a healthy anus. — Richard Adams

Chadham's idea of an open-minded, modern town had no room for faggots. Being gay made you about as welcome as a turd in the swimming pool.
Piner, Huston (2015-05-12). Light in Endless Darkness (Kindle Locations 25-26). Torquere Press. Kindle Edition. — Huston Piner

I was like a turd inside someone who'd accidentally swallowed an engagement ring: I was nothing, yet I carried something uniquely special. — Alissa Nutting

If only I had met Molly sooner, when it was still possible to choose one road rather than another! Before that bitch Musyne and that little turd Lola crimped my enthusiasm! But it was too late to start being young again. I didn't believe in it any more! We grow old so quickly and, what's more, irremediably. You can tell by the way you start loving your misery in spite of yourself. Nature is stronger than we are, no two ways about it. She tries us in one particular mould, and we're never able to throw it off. I had started out as the restless type. Little by little, without realizing it, you begin to take your role and fate seriously, and, before you know it, it's too late to change. You're a hundred per cent restless, and it's set that way for good. — Louis-Ferdinand Celine

Every single floorboard quivers and shudders under my feet, and I start mentally bargaining with the house: If I make it to the front door without waking up Aunt Carol, I swear to God I'll never slam another door. I'll never call you "an old piece of turd" again. — Lauren Oliver

If it's not working you can't polish a turd. — Lee Unkrich

Charles Talent Manx the Third at your service, my dear! CEO of Christmasland Enterprises, director of Christmasland Entertainment, president of fun! Also His Eminence, the King Shit of Turd Hill, although it doesn't say that on my card. — Joe Hill

Car salespersons sell pieces of crap.
Politicians sell the whole turd.
Preachers sell the whole damn cistern! — Alan VanMeter

That man is such a damn turd monkey."
"Grandma!" I said.
"Oh, Zoeybird, did I call your mother's husband a damn turd monkey out loud?"
"Yes, Grandma, you did."
She looked at me, her dark eyes sparkling. "Good. — Kristin Cast

Denny's chick is getting restless," Fuckwad said.
"Shut up, Tucker," Cooper muttered while gesturing for me to follow him. "Watch Bailey and make sure these assholes didn't roofie her."
Arriving at his motorcycle, I avoided Cooper's angry glare.
"You need to be more careful," he said, studying me. "College is full of perverted shits."
"I was never going to drink it. You didn't save me from anything."
Cooper glared at me then snorted. "Denny's chick," he said, climbing on his bike. "My brother's a turd."
"No comment. — Bijou Hunter

But how can a series of reasonable intermediate forms be constructed? Of what value could the first tiny step toward an eye be to its possessor? The dung-mimicking insect is well protected, but can there be any edge in looking only 5 percent like a turd? — Stephen Jay Gould

The trouble with most coaches is that they start with the assumption that everybody is a turd. And that ain't right. — Bum Phillips

I forgot to mention," Father Christopher said, smiling seraphically at Sir Martin, "that I am also a priest. So let me offer you a blessing." He pulled out a golden crucifix that had been hidden beneath his shirt and held it toward Lord Slayton's men. "May the peace and love of our Lord Jesus Christ," he said, "comfort and sustain you while you take your farting mouths and your turd-reeking presence out of our sight." He waved a sketchy cross toward the horsemen. "And thus farewell. — Bernard Cornwell

Do you know how terrible I felt when Marcus came down and found me sitting there like a turd? — Jennifer L. Armentrout

You're not clever. You don't know what you want. You have no proper fierceness. You let other people walk over you. Sometimes I think you're a weakling who will never amount to a dog turd. Does that answer your question? I love you better. I always have. — John Steinbeck

He sees, and smells, that the mishap was caused by a large human turd. — David Mitchell

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. — Harry Truman

I know you have the patience of a rapidly decomposing turd. — Mary E. Pearson

Still as I've said all along, you can't polish a turd. — Alan Bennett

Miss Green can call a turd a rose if she wants, but that don't mean people's going to be lining up to smell it. — K. Martin Beckner

Bubble gum on a turd, Madison! You're a tutti-frutti enforcer. I am a warden. Trust me, I know what I'm doing. — Rebecca Chastain