Skulduggery Pleasant Quotes & Sayings

Come and have a go, if you think you're hard enough — Derek Landy

Tanith: Serpine is used to the Elders taking forever to make their calm, thought-out decisions. So he won't be expecting anything as amazingly rash and reckless as this
Ghastly: That'll teach him to underestimate stupid people. — Derek Landy

Stephanie thought about the world she'd grown up in, and how different it was from the world she'd been introduced to, and yet how similar. There was joy and happiness in both, just as there was heartbreak and horror. There was good and evil and everything in between, and these qualities seemed to be shared equally in the worlds of the magical and the mundane. It was her life now. She couldn't imagine living without either one. — Derek Landy

Sanguine: You mind if I take pictures? Brought my own camera and everythin'
Valkyrie: Knock yourself out
Sanguine: Thanks
Valkyrie: No, really, run head first into a wall and knock yourself out — Derek Landy

Serpine: You have caused me so much trouble over the years detective. It's almost a shame to end it
Skulduggery: You're surrendering? — Derek Landy

It always surprised Valkyrie whenever she realized just how close the weird and the wonderful, and the fierce and the frightening, lived to the rest pf the non-magical, mortal world. — Derek Landy

You think I'm wasting my time, " I accuse his flawless profile. "You think Sammy's dead."
"How could I know that, Cassie?"
"I'm not saying you know that. I'm saying you THINK that."
"Does it matter what I think?"
"No, so shut up."
"I wasn't saying anything. YOU said
"
"Don't ... say ... anything."
"I'm not."
"You just did."
"I'll stop."
"But you're not. You say you will, then you just keep going."
He starts to say something, then shuts his mouth so hard, I hear his teeth click. — Rick Yancey

The fate of the world depends upon whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives ..." ~ Skulduggery Pleasant — Derek Landy

I'm sorry? No more smooches is worse than the world ending? — Derek Landy

Sanguine: That hurt
Tanith: I can make this easy on you
Sanguine: You gonna give me that sword of yours?
Tanith: No, but if you tell me what Baron Vengeous is planning, I'll let you walk away from here
Sanguine: But I drove here. — Derek Landy

Of course I want to kill you," said Skulduggery. "I want to kill most people. But then where would I be? In a field of dead people with no one to talk to. — Derek Landy

Stairs," Valkyrie said, disappointed.
"Not just ordinary stairs," Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. "Magic stairs."
"Really?"
"Oh, yes."
She followed him into the darkness. "How are they magic?"
"They just are."
"In what way?"
"In a magicky way."
She glared at the back of his head. "They aren't magic at all, are they?"
"Not really. — Derek Landy

That man," Carol said. "The thin man at Gordon's will reading, with the ridiculous name. He's involved in this, isn't he?"
"Skulduggery Pleasant," Valkyrie nodded. "And yes, he is. — Derek Landy

The sparrow flies south for the winter. — Derek Landy

Skulduggery: It would be a tad redudant to encourage you to hurry up, wouldn't it? Whatever you do, do not fall over. Falling over, I think, would be the wrong move to make at this moment
Valkyrie: Hate...
Skulduggery: Yes?
Valkyrie: Hate... You...
Skulduggery: Breathe some more air, the lack of oxygen is making you delirious. — Derek Landy

And I have lifetimes inside me, I'm the girl you see standing here,and I'm a cranky old professor, and I'm a peace-loving man, and I'm a killer and a maid and a king and a peasant. I am a dozen more. You think you're old? You got nothing on me. — Derek Landy

Skulduggery pleasant is the best book I've ever read and has enspired myself to become an author. — Derek Landy

I wasn't always who I am now. No one ever is. I've spent my entire lifetime becoming who I am. Finally, I'm here and I'm old. It's depressing, it really is. — Derek Landy

Valkyrie: Do we have a plan?
Skulduggery: WE need to get the Grotesquery away from the bad guys, so we'll have to split up I'm going to leave, you're going to go hide under the van, wait until they load the Grotesquery in there, and then you're going to drive off under their noses
Valkyrie: What?
Skulduggery: It'll be really funny trust me — Derek Landy

If you don't see me in five minutes, then I've probably died a brave and heroic death. — Derek Landy

The rain battered the cottage. Valkyrie risked a look up at Skulduggery.
"What is it?" she whispered.
"It's a box," he whispered back.
"What kind of box?"
"A wooden one."
She gave him a look. — Derek Landy

Cheer up everyone, since we're all going to die horribly anyway, what's there to be worried about? - Skulduggery Pleasant. — Derek Landy

He put on his hat and wrapped his scarf around his jaw, but did without the wig and the sunglasses. He clicked his key chain and the car beeped and the doors locked.
"That's it?"
He looked up. "Sorry?"
"Aren't you afraid it might get stolen? We're not exactly in a good part of town."
"It's got a car alarm."
"Don't you, like, cast a spell or something? To keep it safe?"
"No. It's a pretty good car alarm. — Derek Landy

To betray is to act against, I just haven't acted at all - China Sorrows — Derek Landy

Skulduggery: What do you get if you kill the Elders?
Stephanie: This sounds like a joke
Skulduggery: Valkyrie --
Stephanie: I don't know
Skulduggery: Yes, yes you do.. not think what would killing the Elders result in?
Stephanie: Panic, fear? Three empty spaces in the Sanctuary - Skulduggery Pleasant — Derek Landy

The enemy of my enemy is not necessarily my friend - Skulduggery Pleasant. — Derek Landy

Skulduggery: You won't want to move any sudden moves until we reach the road - I'll know if you crazy kids disturbs the air around the nice bag of explosives
Valkyrie: Blow it up
Skulduggery: Can't do that
Valkyrie: Why not?
Skulduggery: Not a bomb. It's a bag with collapsible jacks; for changin tyres
Valkryie: What about the remote?
Skulduggery: It opens my garage door. Don't tell them, but it doesn't even have any batteries in it — Derek Landy

Right, well, we've got to work out what we need. We've got to work out what we need, how we get it, and what we need to get to get what we need. — Derek Landy

Serpine: Well, Skulduggery? Where is that tired old defiance - the taunting, the goading? Where are the endless heroic clinches? Aren't you going to look me in the eye and tell me to do my worst?
Skulduggery: Actually, I was going to ask that you go easy on me. I'm feeling kind of tender today
Serpine: This is your one chance. Tell me where the key is
Skulduggery:OK
Serpine: Really?
Skulduggery: No, only joking. Do your worst. — Derek Landy

Tanith: How did Skulduggery sound?
Valkyrie: Angry and worried; He's only OK when I'm attacked by people he knows. He'd never even heard of this Sangunie guy — Derek Landy

I am a rational man, but haven't you heard? i'm also insane. It gives me a unique perspective on things. — Derek Landy

Valkyrie smiled patiently. I like how you do your make-up. Do you use a brush, or just dip your head in the bucket? — Derek Landy

Sanguine: Shackles can't hold me, pretty lady. I'm immune to just about every binding spell I reckon you ever heard of, and a few more you haven't. That's what makes me special
Tanith: That and your psychopathic tendencies
Sanguine: Oh, they don't make me special. They just make me fun. — Derek Landy

Did you know, and this is a fact here, did you know that most spiders are ugly? It's true. The woman spiders have it really hard time of it. I saw it on a documentary. Why do you think the Black Widow kills the guy she mates with? Shame, that's why - Tanith Low — Derek Landy

You need to find yourself a new hero. - Skulduggery Pleasant. — Derek Landy

Valkyrie Cain got out of the passenger side. She zipped up
her black jacket against the cold, and joined Skulduggery as he
walked up to the front door. She glanced at him, and saw that he was smiling.
"Stop doing that," she sighed.
"Stop doing what?" Skulduggery responded in that gloriously velvet voice of his.
"Stop smiling. The person we want to talk to lives in the only dark house on a bright street. That's not a good sign."
"I didn't realise I was smiling," he said.
They stopped at the door, and Skulduggery made a concerted effort to shift his features. His mouth twitched
downwards. "Am I smiling now?"
"No."
"Excellent," he said, and the smile immediately sprang back up. — Derek Landy

Mum, Dad, Fergus... this is Skulduggery Pleasant — Derek Landy

It would be fun," Skulduggery nodded. "I like kicking Wreath in the face. I haven't had a chance to do it nearly as much as I'd like. — Derek Landy

Valkyrie made a face. "Bloody vampires."
Ryan sat forward. "That was a vampire? That guy who looked like an accountant?"
"We don't talk about vampires," Skulduggery warned.
"But it was daytime. How could he have been out during the-"
"We don't talk about vampires!" Valkyrie said sharply.
Ryan shrunk back. "Sorry," he said.
"Don't worry about it," Skulduggery told him. "Valkyrie used to date a vampire that's all."
"We didn't date ," Valkyrie said immediately.
Skulduggery held a hand up. "I'm not judging."
Valkyrie scowled. — Derek Landy

Oh, escape is easy once you have the right plan.'
'Do we have the right plan?'
'Not yet.'
'Do we have any plan?'
'Not yet. — Derek Landy

What is it with you women? You come into out lives, you take everythin'! Throughtout the years you got little peces of me, of my very soul, and now? Now you got my damn straight razor! How am I supposed to kill people? How am I supposed to even shave? - Billy-Ray Sanguine — Derek Landy

Over his shoulder, she saw Skulduggery walk in. "Oh, hell," she muttered.
Wreath's smile reappeared. "It's Skulduggery, isn't it?"
Over his shoulder, she saw Skulduggery walk in. "Oh , hell," she muttered.
Wreath's smile reappeared. "It's Skulduggery, isn't it?"
"Please don't annoy him."
"Me? When have I EVER annoyed the great Skulduggery Pleasant?"
Skulduggery arrived at their table. Wreath smile up at him. "Hello."
"I will shoot you in the eye," Skulduggery said.
Wreath glanced at Valkyrie. "I think I've annoyed him. — Derek Landy

Is it fun? Doin' all that detectin'? I always wanted to be a detective. I was one, for about a year, I liked the romance of it all. The suits, the hats, the dark alleys, the femme fetale, all that quick talkin' ... But I couldn't stop killin' folk. I mean, they'd hire me, I'd try to solve their mystery, nut halfway through I'd get bored and end up killin' them, and then the case'd be over and that'd be it. I solved one single murder that whole year, but I don't think that really counts, seein' as how I was the killer. I think that's kinda cheatin', in a way. — Derek Landy

She's you, without your conscience, or your feelings. She's you without your humanity."
"You're saying she's a mood swing?"
He shrugged. "Or maybe you're her mood swing."
"Don't even joke about that. — Derek Landy

We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.'
Skulduggery Pleasant — Derek Landy

I've had years to see the funny side. — Derek Landy

I've got good news and bad news for you, Ryan. The bad news is that you're the only one in the world who can activate the Doomsday Machine, and Foe and his gang are never going to stop coming after you. The good news is that with myself and Valkyrie protecting you, you stand a very good chance of emerging from this relatively unscathed."
Valkyrie looked at the back of Skulduggery's head. "You said they'd probably try to cut his hand off."
"I said relatively," Skulduggery reminded her. — Derek Landy

Serpine: No, my old enemy, I think for the moment anyway, we're all alone. And you have something I want
Skulduggery: A winning sense of style? — Derek Landy

Cow - Tanith Low — Derek Landy

He could be a butterfly dreaming he's a man."
"Well, he's not. He's a big fat man dreaming he's a big fat butterfly. What the hell am I supposed to do?"
There was another hesitation. "I'm not sure. You don't happen to have a large net handy, do you?"
"I want to hit him. I want to hit YOU, but I also want to hit him. — Derek Landy

He stood there, looking at her. She glared back, opened her mouth to continue the conversation, but he suddenly turned, walked away, like he'd just remembered that she may look and sound and talk like Valkyrie Cain, but she wasn't Valkyrie Cain.
And she never would be. — Derek Landy

I'm sophisticated, charming, suave, and debonair, Professor. But I have never claimed to be civilized. — Derek Landy

Do you have a weapon for me, or do you want me to beat her to death with a large stick? - Mr Bliss — Derek Landy

I don't show off. I merely demonstrate my abilities at opportune times. — Derek Landy

You hear things."
"Do I?"
"People talk to you."
"I am very approachable. — Derek Landy

Strike from the shadows, disapear into darkness — Derek Landy

Clarabelle ... Clarabelle ... You worked as Kenspeckle Grouse's assistant, did you not?'
'One of the. He fired all the others.'
'But not you?'
'He fired me on the second day, but I kept coming in. I had nowhere else to go.'
'And then you killed him.'
'Yes.'
'A Remnant squirmed inside you, and you killed Kenspeckle Grouse.'
'Yes.'
Nye grinned. 'You're hired. But I have warn you, if you try to kill me, I will dissect you and sing along to your screams.'
'Can I have Mondays off?'
'You may. — Derek Landy

She held her sword like she was ready to use it on anyone who got close. Darquesse could see her own reflection in the blade. A pretty girl with a scar on her cheek, fifteen years old and dark-haired. Her pale face splattered with other people's blood. Her eyes, dark-ringed. Is this what they all saw, she wondered, or did the see something else? Something magnificent and terrible? Something monstrous? — Derek Landy

The next time? Oh, my dear Eliza, you're not going to carry on with this, are you? The Faceless Ones had their chance. They returned and they were sent away again. It's time to move on. Time to take up another hobby, like crocheting, or serial killing. — Derek Landy

You have no idea about presents or what they mean. The last
present you gave me was a stick."
"You wanted a weapon."
"It was a stick."
"It had a bow on it."
"It was a stick."
"I thought you liked the stick. You laughed. — Derek Landy

Stephanie had no problem doing what she
was told, just so long as she was given a good reason why she
should. — Derek Landy

Kenspeckle: Have you eaten?
Valkyrie: One of your assistants brought me a burger for breakfast
Kenspeckle: I meant, have you eaten sensibly?
Valkyrie: I was very sensible while I was eating the burger. Didn't miss my mouth once — Derek Landy

Excuse me, I believe you're standing on my sword. I don't think this is entirely fair, you're angry with Skulduggery because he didn't kill Valkyrie, but you and me, we've never even met. I mean, you have no reason to attack me, if you got to know me, if you took the time, I'm sure you'd really like me. I'm a likeable girl, everyone says so - Tanith Low — Derek Landy

No one likes sarcasm, Miss Cain. I've merely delayed my exit to promise you something. You took my straight razor, li'l darlin'. That I view as an unforgivable offense. So when the time comes, when you have served your purpose, I swear to you I'm gonna kill you for free." And with that, Billy-Ray Sanguine disappeared into the ground. Then he popped his head back up. "Or at least half price." And he was gone again. — Derek Landy

It's really not as bad as it sounds. I was attacked by a shark once, back when I was alive. Well, not so much a shark as a rather large fish. And not so much attacked as looked at menacingly. But it had murder in its eyes, that fish. I knew, in that instant, if our roles had been reversed and the fish had been holding the fishing pole and I had been the one to be caught, it wouldn't hesitate a moment before eating me. So I cooked it and ate before it had a chance to turn the tables. — Derek Landy

Wow," she said. "It's like you're teaching me something and being all wise."
"You are not easy to get along with," Skulduggery said. — Derek Landy

Well, OK then." He narrowed his eyes. "How about you? Do you have any ... romances I should know about?"
"Nope. Not one."
"Well, good. Excellent. There'll be plenty of time for boys when you leave college and become a nun."
She smiled. "I'm glad you have such ambitious dreams for me. — Derek Landy

If things go wrong, I'll lead them away. Once it's clear, get back to the car. If you don't see me in five minutes, then I've probably died a very brave and heroic death. Oh and don't Oh, and don't touch the radio
I've got it tuned right where I want it and I don't want you messing that up. — Derek Landy

Scapegrace: Back then, I was full of ideas, I was going to renovate the whole front of the pub,, and extend out to the west, maybe get in a music system a little dancefloor. In the end, I decided not to. Too expensive, you know. And, like, nobody wanted to dance so.
Skulduggery: Vaurien, if you're trying to kill us, there are quicker ways than telling us your life story
Valkryie: Less painful too. — Derek Landy

Skulduggery: I don't know what they are, but there are dozens of them, relatively small, moving as a pack
Valkyrie: They might be kittens
Skulduggery: They're stalking us
Valkyrie: They might be shy
Skulduggery: I don't think they're kittens
Valkyrie: Puppies then? — Derek Landy

Just put the stone in your pocket, then leave me in an empty room so I can gaze out at all the Edgleys and laugh. Or maybe I'll pretend to be a ghost and haunt Beryl - Echo-Gordon (Skulduggery Pleasant: Playing With Fire) — Derek Landy

Peace means nothing without freedom. — Derek Landy

Well, for future reference, this is my serious face. — Derek Landy

Corrival looked around. 'So is this it? Is everyone here? Erskine, maybe you should start the ball rolling. I have places to go and things to do.'
'Me?' Ravel asked. 'Why do I have to start it? You're the most respected mage here. You start it, or Skulduggery.'
Skulduggery shook his head. 'I can't start it. I don't like most of these people. I might start shooting. — Derek Landy

Stephanie: I wouldn't mind a sister either
Tanith: Any chance of that happening?
Stephanie: I can't see what would be in it for my parents. I mean, they have the perfect daughter already - What more could they want? — Derek Landy

So this," she said, "what's happening and what's going to happen, this isn't your fault. You can't control everything and not everything is your responsibility. At Croke Park you said something about how you don't want to drag me around after you so I can die beside you. I wanted to tell you then, but I didn't have the words and I didn't have the time. I'm here because I choose to be. You save my life. I save yours. That's how we work."
"Until the end."
"Until the end. — Derek Landy

Lil' Darlin - Billy-Ray Sanguine — Derek Landy

I understand perfectly. Darquesse isn't a separate entity. She isn't another person. She's you. If you make the wrong choices, if you stop loving the people who love you, if you allow the world to twist and turn and change you, then yes, the future we've seen will come to pass. But if you fight, and if you kick, and struggle, and refuse to give in to the apathy, or the anger, or the hopelessness, then you'll change the future, and you'll walk your own path. And I'll be right there beside you, Valkyrie. I'll always be beside you. — Derek Landy

Bravery, after all, isn't the absence of fear. Bravery is the acknowledgement and the conquering of fear. — Derek Landy

I wouldn't mind a sister either."
"Any chance of that happening?"
"I can't see what would be in it for my parents. I mean, they have the perfect daughter already - what more could they want?"
Tanith laughed, then tried to cover it up with a cough.
"Found something?" Skulduggery asked from behind them.
Tanith turned, looking serious. "No, sorry. I thought I had, but, no, it turned out to be, uh ... more floor."
Stephanie hugged herself, trying to stop her shoulders shaking from laughter. — Derek Landy

Tell me: do you ever actually remember having a heart, or were you born dead? — Derek Landy

Look, this is all very, very weird. Why are you focusing on rumours and urban legends? You haven't even asked me any
normal questions."
"Normal questions? Like what?"
"Like, I don't know, like if Lynch had any enemies."
"Did Lynch have any enemies?"
"Well, not that I know of, no."
"Then there really was no point in me asking that, was there? Unless you wanted to distract me. You didn't want to distract me, did you, Kenny?"
"No, that's not - "
"Are you playing a game with me, Kenny?"
"I don't know what you're - "
Inspector Me leaned forward. "Did you kill him?"
"No!"
"It'd be OK if you did."
Kenny recoiled, horrified. "How would that be OK?"
"Well," Me said, "maybe not — Derek Landy

What about you?" he asked, his words not much more than a mumble. "Regrets?"

"Many," Skuduggery said.

Tesseract's breath rattled in his chest. "That's the goo thing about living. You get to make up for past mistakes."

"Or make brand-new ones. — Derek Landy

Sometimes it's not what you say, Valkyrie, it's just the fact that you're saying it. — Derek Landy

I love you all, even those I don't
particularly like. That's you, Beryl. — Derek Landy

The workshop door opened and Skulduggery emerged. "Ryan," he said, "stop leaning on my car. — Derek Landy

He hesitated. 'Serpine used my wife and child as a weapon against me. In order to do so, he had to kill them. He took my family's death and he made it about me. Valkyrie, when you die, it will be your death and yours alone. Let it come to you on your own terms.' She nodded.
'Valkyrie Cain,' he said, 'it has been an absolute pleasure knowing you. — Derek Landy

[...} What did I tell you about wandering off? Why don't you ever do anything I say? If I didn't know any better, I would swear that you feel a compulsion to disobey authoriy figures."

"That can't be what it is," she said.

"Well, that's what it seems like."

"But I don't view you as an authority figure."

"Oh, not this again. — Derek Landy

Through the gaps in the books, Ryan could see someone in the next aisle over, moving slowly. Someone in black. Someone whistling. Ryan recognized the tune. It was the theme music to Harry Potter. — Derek Landy

Ah, bless. I've missed her. Do you have bullets?"

"Uh, no."

Skulduggery paused. "Excellent. — Derek Landy

Stephanie: Why can't you break in? You broke into the Vault
Skulduggery: That's different
Stephanie: Yes, it had alarms and vampires - this'll be so much easier
Skulduggery: There are times when extreme measures are unnecessary
Stephanie: Extreme measures are very necessary here! — Derek Landy

When I meet people, I no longer say "Hi, I'm Derek Landy, pleased to meet you." Now I say "Hi, I'm number one bestselling author Derek Landy. Worship me. — Derek Landy

Very good book! you're gonna have to read this amazing book. the main characters are Valkyrie Cain and the bony Skulduggery Pleasant and they have a good sense of humour. I think that Derek had done a good job at expressing the character's feelings and facial expressions. I love it how in every book there is a bad person and always tries to take over the world and Valkyrie tries to stop them.
Keep going
Derek Landy!
Write more books please!!! — Derek Landy

Skulduggery, she's not being professional - Tanith Low — Derek Landy

Fletcher appeared beside her. He peered at the baby.
"Can it do any tricks yet?"
"I'm still working on it. Want to hold her?"
"God, no," Fletcher said laughing. "I'd drop it."
"It's not an it, it's my baby sister. Go on, hold her. You won't make a mess of it, i swear. Only an idiot could drop a baby."
"You always say I am an idiot."
"But you're a special kind of idiot. Here."
She passed Alice into his arms, and he stood there, rigid, a look of intense concentration on his face. — Derek Landy

Kindness suits you."
"Really? I think I'm quite allergic to it. — Derek Landy

Do you remember what Crux said?" Scorn asked China. "I bet you do. He said that you handed Skulduggery Pleasant's wife and child over to Nefarian Serpine. He said that you led them to their deaths ... Blackmail is just an ugly, ungainly word, but these are ugly and ungainly times in which we live. You will do as I say, exactly as I say, or I will tell the Skeleton Detective your terrible, terrible secret. Do you agree to my terms? — Derek Landy

I am eternal. I am the night. I am the day. I am forever. And who are you?"
"I'm Skulduggery Pleasant."
"Oh, hell.
(The Horror Writers' Halloween Ball) — Derek Landy

Skulduggery: The fate of the world may depend on whether or not you can bring yourself to visit your relatives
Stephanie: It may depend
Skulduggery: Valkyrie--
Stephanie: Fine I'll go -
Skulduggery: Being a detective isn't all about torture and murder and monster. Sometimes it gets truly unpleasant. — Derek Landy

*After Skulduggery kills Valkyrie*
Skulduggery: This has been a good day so far, all things considered, I have the location of the Grotesquey and I got to kill Valkyrie, which admittedly is something I've been wanting to do since I met her, she can be incredibly annoying
Scapegrace: Um
Skulduggery: She hardly ever shut up, I pretended to be the friends with her, but honestly, I just felt sorry for the poor girl. Not the brightest you know.
Valkyrie: You're such a goon. — Derek Landy