Christopher Titus Quotes & Sayings

Valentines Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she's happy, you're happy. And when she's angry, you can still choose to be happy, 'cos, what's her deal ? You know, I'm happy. Why is she bringing me down, you know ? Oh great, now look, I'm getting all mad. I hope she's happy. Happy Valentines Day. — Christopher Titus

Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, Hey dad, wassup ? He's thinking, Back off, old man, this surfer carcass is mine. Of course, when his girlfriend swims up and she's like, Way, you know, there's enough surfer for everybody. You and your dad need to frenzy together more. Leave you father a thigh. — Christopher Titus

Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies. — Christopher Titus

Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation. — Christopher Titus

Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on. — Christopher Titus

Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you ... he ... loves you. — Christopher Titus

Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people, want to be accepted. It's one of the few things we have in common. My whole life, all I ever wanted was my dad to pat me on the top of the head and go, Who's a good boy ? Who's a good boy? But, instead, all he ever did was wipe peanut butter on the end of my nose and laugh while I tried to lick it off. — Christopher Titus

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader. — Christopher Titus

I have a dream! Because I have lived a nightmare. — Christopher Titus

Osama's dead. Why is the terror alert elevated or imminent? Why not chill? Can't I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer? — Christopher Titus

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please? — Christopher Titus

My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated. — Christopher Titus

I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico! — Christopher Titus

All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on the front lawn. — Christopher Titus

The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick. — Christopher Titus

Terrorists, oh I'm sorry, Fox News tells us it's all illegal immagration's fault but it's not their fault, it's ours. — Christopher Titus

At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis. — Christopher Titus

Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember. — Christopher Titus

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album. — Christopher Titus

Texas is killing people in the 73rd trimester. — Christopher Titus

Valentines Day is a day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. Yeah, when you're happy, she's happy. And when you're angry, she's angry. And when you start wallowing in self-pity because your hotrod shop tanks and everybody's against you so you start drinking. And then she moves out and goes and lives with her parents, pfft. Or was that the day after Valentines Day? Doesn't matter. I'll go get another one just like her. — Christopher Titus

In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds ... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create new petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can! — Christopher Titus

I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them. — Christopher Titus

I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships. — Christopher Titus

Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, 100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer ... Dad, you know, keeping up with the song. — Christopher Titus

If at first you don't succeed, then drag racing isn't for you. — Christopher Titus

Of course, here's the weird part. After I fought my dad, all of a sudden we're buddies now. Like he's my friend now, we start hanging out. But we're still the same people. So we'd go out on Sunday, you know, and just be hanging out, then he'd, like, pick a guy, and we'd just go beat the crap out of that guy as a team. Memories, huh? — Christopher Titus

Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out. — Christopher Titus

Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?! — Christopher Titus

The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies. — Christopher Titus

The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much safer ... Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours. Wouldn't happen in America - three minutes: dead Batman. — Christopher Titus

So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported that 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional. My God! That means we're the majority. We're normal! It's the people who have the mommy, the daddy, the brother, the sister, the little white picket fence - those people are the freaks, man! — Christopher Titus

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die. — Christopher Titus

There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says We've got a family members of yours under arrest and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those ... And they are all my Mom! — Christopher Titus

God bless America. But God, please help Canada. — Christopher Titus

Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy. — Christopher Titus

The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots ... " — Christopher Titus

And one more thing I want to be clear about- I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it. — Christopher Titus

Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter. — Christopher Titus

Normal people, who grow up with compassion, never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gluing those little dots on the highway. Or, putting glue on the dots for the guy who glues dots on the highway. Screwed up people, who weren't coddled or raised with compassion, we get stuff done. Sure, we feel a little alone and abandoned, but, we're ... very ... happy. Why can't you love me, daddy? — Christopher Titus

Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind. — Christopher Titus

Normal people terrify me, because they haven't had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come up. Something little happens and they snap. But being from a disfunctional family means nothing rattles me. Hey once you've driven a drunken father to moms' parole hearing, what else is there? — Christopher Titus

Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change. — Christopher Titus

My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer. Weddings, Funerals, Water Skiing, Parent-Teacher Conference. When I got sick around him as a kid growing up, he'd always warm me up a shot of 100 proof whiskey. Never got sick ... that I can remember. — Christopher Titus

My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father/son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night. — Christopher Titus

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again ... that's exciting. — Christopher Titus

I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he's my dad, I can't send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, Look at the fairy! I was a wood nymph. — Christopher Titus

Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die? — Christopher Titus

I say we spend some money, clean up some junkies and make them all go work for the Red Cross. You ever give blood to the Red Cross? Little paper hatted trainee kid, just sticking you full of holes. Golly, jeez, this is way harder than the deep fryer, how does this work? You get an ex-junkie in there, bap-bap, he's gonna find a vein. You're in, you're out, you got sugar cookie and you're happy! — Christopher Titus

My mom had this inate ability. Whatever town my mother moved to, the second she walked into town, she would instantly attract the alpha loser of that town. This guy was not a good guy. This guy was half O.J. Simpson and half O.J. Simpson. Scott Peterson sprinkles on the top, a side of Robert Blake. You know, not a good guy. — Christopher Titus

I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voices in her head than the Wu-Tang Clan. Loves her kids, killed her last husband. I say last husband because you don't get another one after that. — Christopher Titus

Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good. — Christopher Titus

And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I ... I have a smart kid; I don't want a smart kid. I'm gonna start feedin' her lead paint chips just to bring her down. — Christopher Titus

If you ask my dad for help ... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time. — Christopher Titus

A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat. — Christopher Titus

If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with the people whose lives it's going to affect. Like George Washington, had to get all those guys who the British killed to agree to die. Neil Armstrong, had to crank a couple of elbows into Buzz Aldrin's face mask to make sure he got on the moon first. And Christopher Titus, well, he worked his dad for five grand. Ha ha. Who can't support who ? I know, it's complicated. — Christopher Titus

My mum was crazy. And her mum was crazy. And her mum's mum was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going to live the rest of my life giggling at raindrops, wearing paper slippers? When I go to dinner with friends should I not use a fork 'cause I just might snap? Hey, you guys look great. How's the baby? — Christopher Titus

And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don't up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don't put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you! — Christopher Titus

In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers. — Christopher Titus

I have been accused of sleeping with people, I hadn't met yet. — Christopher Titus

The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light. My dad always taught me to live like that. Dad wrote a poem too. It goes, Dune buggies. Woohoo! — Christopher Titus

The normal make a living. The deranged make history. — Christopher Titus

And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group. — Christopher Titus

Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down! — Christopher Titus

Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that. Hey, dude, what are you in for? Armed robbery? Murder? And then, you have to say, Love. And, that's definitely going to get you, you know, picked last for prison kick ball. — Christopher Titus

At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?' 'Oh, honey - that's up to mommy, isn't it? — Christopher Titus

There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or ... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you Joe and that's it! — Christopher Titus

My dad got divorced six times. Well, he actually only got divorced five times. He wouldn't divorce the sixth one 'cause he said he didn't want people to think he couldn't commit. I don't want people not taking me serious. Dad, your last marriage was performed in Reno by an ordained lesbian Elvis impersonator. Who you hit on. — Christopher Titus

Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize! — Christopher Titus

Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master. — Christopher Titus

Born free. Taxed to death. — Christopher Titus

Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol. — Christopher Titus

Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great job. You got a wife, kids, you got your health. But then your company is sold out from under you, your stocks tank, your wife's sleeping with the gardener and your teenage daughter is pregnant. And you notice that you have a prostate so hard, you can actually take a hammer to it. But hey, not one zit. — Christopher Titus

My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly. — Christopher Titus

My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is a hunk of meat to block buck shot. Told you dad needed me. Who's the best man now? — Christopher Titus

No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else. — Christopher Titus

My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus

So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I'm okay with that, 'cause I'm an ignorant, pushy people person. — Christopher Titus

My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect. — Christopher Titus

If you want to do something dangerous ... Don't tell your girlfriend! — Christopher Titus

You don't get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot. — Christopher Titus

Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass. — Christopher Titus

Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. The pilgrims came here with the best intentions. They decided to flee an oppressive people and move to a new land. Where they thrived. And became an oppressive people. You get certain people on the same continent, there's going to be a problem. Pilgrims and Indians. Protestants, Catholics. My family, anybody else's family. — Christopher Titus

You don't give out trophies for losing. Trophies for sucking. That's a communist idea. You don't get a trophy for losing. You get a piece of pizza and you shut up. Trophies for losing? What the hell happened to us? — Christopher Titus

This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels ... by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a bedazzled Ed Hardy thermal. I have three of them, I'm not laughing at you I'm laughing with you. — Christopher Titus

I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't function. — Christopher Titus

I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive. — Christopher Titus

The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman. — Christopher Titus

Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my entire life. It makes me feel good and ... I'm okay with that. My fear is that my anger will one day make me so damned successful that I'll actually be happy. And then I'll just stop. — Christopher Titus

Vengeance, is good. You give it, you get it. It's all part of what makes us human. So thank god for vengeance. Otherwise, the human race might as well just roll over and let another species for a while. I think it will be the cats. Watch 'em. They're cooking up something. — Christopher Titus

In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink. — Christopher Titus

We're looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light. — Christopher Titus

When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that. — Christopher Titus

Losing builds character. So, if you're the loser in your family, don't worry. 'Cos twenty years form now, that perfect can do no wrong brother of yours is going to show up at your house, bald, fat, divorced, with six kids who all hate him and he's going to ask you for money. And because of your character, you're going to look him right in the eyes and you're going to say, You know what, I'll give you some money. If you mow my lawn and detail my car. Oh yeah, then you can shampoo the tail. Loser. — Christopher Titus

After President Obama, President Rodriguez ... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better? — Christopher Titus

A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes. — Christopher Titus

When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcycle without a helmet, permanent brain damage and in California you're getting a ticket. Too chatty on a date with my dad, well, he'll push you in front of a cross town bus. Of course, you know, I'm speaking metaphorically. My dad will push you in front of any bus. — Christopher Titus

My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo. — Christopher Titus

When I was seven, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with my mom. When Jack Nicholson was strapped to the table getting electroshock treatment, my mom burst into tears. She said it reminded her of her life, and I was stunned, because I didn't know my mom had been nominated for an Oscar. — Christopher Titus

Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and too many good men. — Christopher Titus