Roseanne Quotes & Sayings

When Roseanne read the first script of mine that got into her hands without being edited by someone else she said, 'How can you write a middle-aged woman this well?' I said, 'If you met my mom you wouldn't ask'. — Joss Whedon

I have horrible stage fright - you know how you go through the bi-polar stage fright thing? Then you go on drugs to get over the stage fright and perform, but then you're not funny at all. — Roseanne Barr

I think I'm hysterical. I watch myself on tape and just roar - isn't that weird? — Roseanne Barr

Husbands are never happy. My husband asked me for more space, so I locked him out of the house. — Roseanne Barr

You know what, when I was thin, I thought there was a fat girl trying to get out of me. — Roseanne Barr

I'm God because I have the power to control my mind. — Roseanne Barr

I avoided reality for most of my life. But once you deal with it, it's kind of cool. — Roseanne Barr

I'm a farmer now, and it's fantastic. My goal is to be totally self-sufficient and grow everything that I eat. There's something about earning your dinner that's cool. — Roseanne Barr

Excuse the mess, but we live here. — Roseanne Barr

I'm fat and proud of it. If someone asks me how my diet is going, I say 'Fine - how was your lobotomy?' — Roseanne Barr

Laugh every day as much as you can. — Roseanne Barr

We had no religion at all, but we were Jews in New Hampshire, and my sister - who is now a rabbi - said it best: We were, like, the only Jews in Bedford, New Hampshire, as well as the only Democrats, so we just kind of associated those two things together. My dad raised us to believe that paying taxes is an honor. — Roseanne Barr

Don't call people names you dirty name caller you. — Roseanne Barr

I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote. — Roseanne Barr

My dad taught me swears when I was a toddler, and I saw, at a really early age, that if I shocked people, I would get approval, and it made my arms itch with glee. I got addicted to it. It became this source of power in a totally powerless life. — Roseanne Barr

I remember performing on a punk stage with no mic in the middle of a mosh pit. My act was called "How to Be a Domestic Goddess." — Roseanne Barr

I'm not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S. — Roseanne Barr

Two things do me in: one's chocolate cake, the other's hypocrisy. — Roseanne Barr

After my 1985 appearance on 'The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson,' I was wooed by producers in Hollywood, who told me they wanted to turn my act into a sitcom. — Roseanne Barr

'Winning' in Hollywood means not just power, money, and complimentary smoked-salmon pizza, but also that everyone around you fails just as you are peaking. — Roseanne Barr

Many of the network television shows have done takeoffs on 'Family Circus,' including 'David Letterman,' 'Friends,' 'Roseanne,' and others, and, in my estimation the use of them is a compliment to the popularity of the feature, which just by mentioning it's name sets up the image of a warm, loving family-type feature. — Bil Keane

I consider myself to be apretty good judge of people ... That's why I don't like any of them. — Roseanne Barr

No government in the Middle East is innocent. Wars make the stock market go up, so no one in America is innocent either, nor anyone anywhere where capitalism reigns. — Roseanne Barr

I try to do women's-point-of-view comedy. The joke is, 'This is what I think; there's the truth.' I try to think of stuff that's real broad, but the more personal it is, the more universal it is. All my friends go through the same stuff. — Roseanne Barr

I first would allow the guilty bankers to pay, you know, the ability to pay back anything over $100 million [of] personal wealth because I believe in a maximum wage of $100 million. And if they are unable to live on that amount of that amount then they should, you know, go to the reeducation camps and if that doesn't help, then being beheaded. — Roseanne Barr

A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that. — Roseanne Barr

I try to tell people to keep having hope. It's always what you don't know and don't expect that's gonna be so great. — Roseanne Barr

I'm funnier now because I'm braver and less full of hate, so everything is even more ridiculous than it was before. — Roseanne Barr

The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think. — Roseanne Barr

There isn't a problem on this earth that a doughnut cannot make better. — Roseanne Barr

Honestly, a lot of the human etiquette I learned in life I learned from, like, thank-you notes and dating Jimmy Kimmel. — Roseanne Barr

Once you know something, you can't un-know it. — Roseanne Cheng

My parents ... had decided early on that all of the problems in my family had somehow to do with me. All roads led to Roseyville, a messy, chaotic town where, as parents, they were required to visit, but could never get out of quick enough or find a decent parking place. — Roseanne Barr

School yourself in all occasions to keep perfectly cool; maintain a perfect control of temper, come what will: one that can govern himself can govern others. — Roseanne Montillo

I was dreaming about the deepest blue
But what you seek is seeking you — Roseanne Cash

I'm just into spirituality. I believe that in a previous life I used to be Shirley MacLaine. — Roseanne Barr

It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it. — Roseanne Barr

I loved work and I loved pouring myself into the work, you know. It was the real life that I had trouble with. — Roseanne Barr

Do you have any idea how attractive you are?
Well, I'm better than roseanne Barr, I suppose. — Lucy Robinson

I've never done anything for money, and that is why I got money. When you do stuff for money, you never get money. — Roseanne Barr

My children love me. I'm like the mother they never had. — Roseanne Barr

Facts and data, rather than opinion, are the two cornerstones of problem solving, and yet they are consistently withheld from the people by American media. We must have facts and data in order to recognize where there is a problem! — Roseanne Barr

Eating cookies that you bake with your grandmother is one of the greatest social steps one must experience in order to grow up into a decent world citizen, in my opinion. — Roseanne Barr

Truth is available to the ears that can hear it. — Roseanne Barr

You're only seventeen, you're too young to have a meatloaf recipe ... go get something pierced. — Roseanne Barr

I'm kosher except for times where I eat pork and shellfish. — Roseanne Barr

When I'm back home in Chicago, since 'Roseanne' was such a Midwestern, blue-collar show, that's what sticks out in people's minds. — Johnny Galecki

I have great parents, and they both taught me great things, but my formative years were boundaryless. — Roseanne Barr

I am an observant Jew! Now my secret is out. — Roseanne Barr

I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny. And I discovered a lot of great writers that went on to do a lot of great shows like 'Seinfeld,' 'Friends,' you know, 'Three and a Half Men.' — Roseanne Barr

One of the first things I bought when I made 'Roseanne Show' money was a farm in Iowa. — Roseanne Barr

I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear. — Roseanne Barr

There is no real third party in America. There's this one party that has two sides to it - the Democratic and Republican side. It's one party that has two heads. — Roseanne Barr

I'm either mentally ill or Jewish. I can't sometimes tell the difference. — Roseanne Barr

Anyone with a show on T.V. will tell you it's backbreaking work. And if you have a big personality, which I have, and you're a perfectionist, there's going to be head-butting. — Roseanne Barr

If 'Married With Children' hadn't come out when it did, would we really be looking at 'Roseanne,' 'The Middle,' and 'Raising Hope' and being, like, 'Look at how stereotypical they are to lower-income white people!' — Parvesh Cheena

I like it when very little children think for themselves, because they do not have access to car keys or credit cards or crack pipes, but they have some really funny lines. — Roseanne Barr

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. — Roseanne Barr

I was raised on government cheese. As an adult, in my first marriage, my husband and I worked real hard just to go bankrupt. I happened to write some jokes about it. I did real well for myself. — Roseanne Barr

Hollywood is the only place on earth that has more vampires, more undead, more resurrections than a month of Easter Sundays. — Roseanne Barr

I like to get people talking. I am a provocateur, and I do like getting on Twitter and riling people up. You know what, after a while some sane dialogue and sane conclusions come of that kind of thing. — Roseanne Barr

You can always get better. Nobody can stop you from getting better, and nobody can stop you from trying to make something right. — Roseanne Barr

I flew back and forth and did episodes of Roseanne while I was at Yale. — Sara Gilbert

I always had a dissociative disorder. But I healed from it over the course of 14 years of big-time therapy. But, you know, I mean, everybody's kind of loony now. So I was kind of a pioneer in the mental illness thing, too. — Roseanne Barr

Sometimes for me not throwing a tantrum is what running a marathon or swimming the English Channel must be like for others of a less-challenging emotional nature ... — Roseanne Barr

I actually regard Facebook as a huge bore, but I cannot refrain from participating in it. I guess I crave the feeling of hope it gives me to think that today will be different from yesterday, that I will find an interesting comment or poke or video, and on the extremely rare occasion when that happens, I am just thrilled. — Roseanne Barr

Patriarchy is a bully notion, which if you will notice never attacks a nation that can defend itself. Zionism is patriarchal and sets Judaism on its head. — Roseanne Barr

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered. — Johnny Carson

Everything here must be done twice as no one can do it right the first time. — Roseanne Barr

Once you get away from wanting to get paid, you can actually say some true things. — Roseanne Barr

So many people: Lucille Ball is the earliest incarnation of a woman I thought was funny, Joan Rivers, Roseanne, Carol Burnett, Gilda Radnor, down to current times, where you have Amy Poehler, Tina Fey, and Kristen Wiig. — Chelsea Peretti

I'm not upset about my divorce. I'm only upset that I'm not a widow. — Roseanne Barr

ACORN is organizing to make sure the job of rebuilding New Orleans is done by the people of New Orleans and truly benefits the communities who have been hurt the most. — Roseanne Barr

Finding a calm place inside myself through meditation kind of helped me to get over a lot of mental illness ... it's just been a really great thing in my life. — Roseanne Barr

I think I should be here alone to rethink the world - I do. I want these lesser humans gone. — Roseanne Barr

I am a woman, therefore I am a problem solver. — Roseanne Barr

Cervantes told me history is the mother of truth.
Borges told me historical truth is not what took place; it is what we think took place.
So Billy Shakespeare was queer.
Ronnie was the greatest president in history, right up there on Mount Rushmore.
AIDS is mankind's greatest plague.
Israel only kills terrorists.
America never bombed Lebanon.
Jesus was straight. Juda and he were just friends.
Roseanne's parents molested her as an infant.
Menachem Begin and Yasser Arafat deserved their Nobels.
And Gaetan Dugas started the AIDS epidemic. — Rabih Alameddine

There is no scarier chasm of darkness than the human mind. — Roseanne Barr

I have a fierce eating disorder that has survived even bariatric surgery. I got even fatter after that! Hey, maybe fat people are just trying to get closer to others, did anybody ever that of that?! — Roseanne Barr

The end of my addiction to fame happened at the exact moment 'Roseanne' dropped out of the top ten, in the seventh of our nine seasons. It was mysteriously instantaneous! — Roseanne Barr

I figure when my husband comes home from work, if the kids are still alive, then I've done my job. — Roseanne Barr

Someone I met years ago explained to me the difference between a personality and an actor, a personality being Eddie Murphy or Roseanne Barr, and an actor being Morgan Freeman and Alfre Woodard or Marlon Brando. — Orlando Jones

TV is a language all its own, a land of one dimensional stereotypes that destroys culture, not adds to it. TV is anti-art, a reflection of consumerism that serves the power structure. TV is about demographics. — Roseanne Barr

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with. — Roseanne Barr

Being hated and hunted and blamed for your own suffering makes people kind of testy, nervous, and on edge, and often fundamentalist and extreme. Bombs get thrown only when people cannot honestly talk together. — Roseanne Barr

Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight. — Roseanne Barr

On a recent HBO special, Roseanne Arnold, who, incidentally, collects Barbies, excoriated what she considered to be Barbie's middle-class-ness. Why didn't Mattel make, say, "trailer-park Barbie"? But to many upper-middle-class women, all post-1977 Barbies are Trailer Park Barbie. Ironically, given the knee-jerk antagonism to Barbie's body, it is one of her few attributes that doesn't scream "prole." Her thinness - indicative of an expensive gym membership and possibly a personal trainer - definitely codes her as middle- or upper-middle-class. In Distinction, French sociologist Pierre Bourdieu notes that "working class women . . . are less aware of the 'market' value of beauty and less inclined to invest . . . sacrifices and money in cultivating their bodies." Likewise, Barbie's swanlike neck elevates her status. A stumpy neck is a lower-class attribute, Fussell says. — M.G. Lord

I will outlaw bullshit. After the passage of this law the patriarchy will inevitably start to crumble as will the concept of war itself which is largely a large load of bullshit. — Roseanne Barr

I had left home (like all Jewish girls) in order to eat pork and take birth control pills. When I first shared an intimate evening with my husband, I was swept away by the passion (so dormant inside myself) of a long and tortured existence. The physical cravings I had tried so hard to deny, finally and ultimately sated ... But enough about the pork. — Roseanne Barr

I hate alcoholics and AA (alcoholics anonymous). If you can't drink responsibly, don't drink at all. Don't go to meetings, whine about your character flaws and blame the fact that you are a sociopath on booze. — Roseanne Barr

Barry recounts all this in prose of often startling beauty. Just as he describes people stopping in the street to look at Roseanne, so I often found myself stopping to look at the sentences he gave her, wanting to pause and copy them down. — Margot Livesey

Impeach the President and the Vice President, they are traitors to America, and so are all of their supporters. Impeach! Anyone in congress who refuses to save our union from these traitors by doing nothing needs to be recalled. — Roseanne Barr

Politics and religion in the United States work like the twin grips of a pair of pliers on a critical mass of the masses. — Roseanne Barr

To say that I have an undisciplined mind would not be incorrect overall, but it's a little off the mark because I have great discipline when I write - but only for about ten minutes. — Roseanne Barr

Suddenly, people had three phone numbers but never answered their phones. — Roseanne Barr

Roseanne Barr ~Jessica~ — Penny Reid

I can't have cats around me because they try to steal my energy. — Roseanne Barr

We would finish dinner, and then we'd all sit around as a family and watch 'Roseanne.' That was a big one. — Tyler Ritter

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house. — Roseanne Barr

Women of this planet need some essential resources: wells, seeds and roads. That is primarily all we have ever needed. Added to that, women need righteous and strong men who will help us to use our most cherished gifts: the ability to multitask and problem solve. — Roseanne Barr