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Quotes & Sayings About Quotes Funny

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Quotes Funny Quotes By Chris Cannon

With his blond hair, broad shoulders, and perpetual tan,
Bryce looked like a California underwear model. Not that I'd thought about him in his underwear.
Much. — Chris Cannon

Quotes Funny Quotes By Edward Harris

Graduating from the School of Hard Knocks doesn't always get you to Fort Knox. — Edward Harris

Quotes Funny Quotes By Ljupka Cvetanova

Keep trying?
I'd rather keep walking. I mean, whisky is whisky — Ljupka Cvetanova

Quotes Funny Quotes By Auliq Ice

Treat me like a joke, watch me leave you like its funny — Auliq Ice

Quotes Funny Quotes By Sheeja Jose

My cousins had told me dead people came back as Dracula.
Draculas got thirsty at night and drank only blood, leaving the
milk and juices in the refrigerator for the house owners. I thought
Draculas were cool, they had some manners. Still I didn't like the
idea of anyone drinking blood. — Sheeja Jose

Quotes Funny Quotes By Julia Quinn

Turner let his face fell into his hands. "I'm never going to touch her again", he moaned.
"He's never going to touch me again!" they heard Miranda roar.
"Well,it doesn't look like you'll have much argument from your wife on that point", Olivia chirped. — Julia Quinn

Quotes Funny Quotes By F Scott Fitzgerald

I suppose the latest thing is to sit back and let Mr. Nobody from Nowhere make love to your wife. — F Scott Fitzgerald

Quotes Funny Quotes By Rick Riordan

Eventually, Krysomallos would be skinned for his fleece, which became known as the Golden Fleece, which means I am related to a sheepskin rug.
This is why you don't want to think too hard about who you're related to in the Greek myths. It'll drive you crazy. — Rick Riordan

Quotes Funny Quotes By Margaret Atwood

Not that it isn't great to see you. But it's not so great for you. What'd you do wrong? Laugh at his dick? — Margaret Atwood

Quotes Funny Quotes By Richie Norton

If you think it's funny to make fun of the "used car salesman," you better only buy new and never sell your car. Just sayin. — Richie Norton

Quotes Funny Quotes By Adrian Barnes

I said,'What's your problem?' Asshole." There was a question behind his question, and that shadow question was 'Do you want to dance? — Adrian Barnes

Quotes Funny Quotes By Cathy Hopkins

Who says you only get one? If you're lucky, you will meet The One, The Two, The Three ... and so on.
Nesta — Cathy Hopkins

Quotes Funny Quotes By Eraldo Banovac

Is there any difference between a happy and a lucky man? A happy is someone who finds an oasis with drinking water in a desert. A lucky man will always find water. — Eraldo Banovac

Quotes Funny Quotes By Wayne Gerard Trotman

My mother, my psychiatrist and an assortment of sedatives eventually convinced me I was delusional. — Wayne Gerard Trotman

Quotes Funny Quotes By David Llewellyn

Penny for your thoughts,' asked Gwen.
'Cheapskate,' said Ianto. 'Never heard of inflation? Thoughts are a bit pricier than that these days.'
'OK,' said Gwen. 'A pint down the local tomorrow for your thoughts.'
Ianto smiled. 'That's more like it. — David Llewellyn

Quotes Funny Quotes By Andrew Barger

Groupies will give you Chlamydia, Edward."
"Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don't throw flowers. — Andrew Barger

Quotes Funny Quotes By Claire Chilton

Shit down your computer, and restart. — Claire Chilton

Quotes Funny Quotes By Penelope Douglas

The thing is, Fallon ... I told you before to lock the door if you wanted me to stay out. Funny thing is ... " I leaned in. "You. Never. Did. — Penelope Douglas

Quotes Funny Quotes By Heather Cocks

I hung up the phone and tapped it lightly against my chin, then wrapped myself tighter in my giant woolen cardigan and poured another glass of boxed wine - the official drink of emotionally confused women on a budget. — Heather Cocks

Quotes Funny Quotes By Tara Sivec

If you spelled George Morgan wrong on Google it didn't say, "Did you mean George Morgan?" It simply replied, "Run while you still have the chance. — Tara Sivec

Quotes Funny Quotes By Mehmet Murat Ildan

Are you afraid of the future? That is funny because future does not exist yet! Future is not even a shadow, because shadow exists! Let go your fear and concentrate on the present time! — Mehmet Murat Ildan

Quotes Funny Quotes By Shannon McKenna

Sean was stung. "I do not fuck everything that has a pulse," he said haughtily. "I have my standards. I limit myself to endoskeletal organisms. I always go for vertebrates. And I dont't do reptiles. Ever. — Shannon McKenna

Quotes Funny Quotes By Tim O'Rourke

Oh no?" he sneered, pulling a packet of cigarettes from his pocket and lighting one up. "Knowing what you're like, the slightest sign of a discarded cigarette butt and you would've been crawling around on your hands and knees trying to figure out how tall the smoker was, how old he was, what zodiac sign he was, whether he'd taken a crap that morning, and Christ knows what else. — Tim O'Rourke

Quotes Funny Quotes By Katie Graykowski

If you are reading this, I'm dead. Don't celebrate too much. Jesus is watching. — Katie Graykowski

Quotes Funny Quotes By Emmuska Orczy

And in repose one might have admired so fine a specimen of English manhood, until the foppish ways, the affected movements, the perpetual inane laugh, brought one's admiration of Sir Percy Blakeney to an abrupt close. — Emmuska Orczy

Quotes Funny Quotes By Matshona Dhliwayo

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists. — Matshona Dhliwayo

Quotes Funny Quotes By Terry Pratchett

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong. — Terry Pratchett

Quotes Funny Quotes By R.R. Virdi

You belong in an insane asylum, you know that?"
"Maybe my next case... — R.R. Virdi

Quotes Funny Quotes By Edward Harris

If You Lose Your Keys, At Least It's Better Than Losing Your Car. — Edward Harris

Quotes Funny Quotes By Dr. Seuss

You're never too old, too wacky, too wild, to pick up a book and read to a child. — Dr. Seuss

Quotes Funny Quotes By Darynda Jones

I could've knocked the shit out of her .She'd have good reason to roll her eyes then. But knocking the shit out of rude people wasn't my style. Heckling them every chance I got was.
Hopefully she'd screw up soon. I didn't have all day. — Darynda Jones

Quotes Funny Quotes By Sandra Dallas

Now I am shut up with his mother on Bramble farm and she is no better for conversation than prune whip — Sandra Dallas

Quotes Funny Quotes By Anne Tenino

Jeez, you're strong. And you, Sam, are a conversational reject. — Anne Tenino

Quotes Funny Quotes By J. Daniels

Dylan: What was that? Is Brooke breaking shit now? I know she's upset but she needs to remember where she is,Joey.HANDLE IT.

Sweet Christ. Why couldn,t she be on bed rest at her mother's?

Me: Ease up on the shouty caps,cupcake. Everything is under control.

Dylan:BETTER BE.(I love you)

Me: BITCH.(love you too) — J. Daniels

Quotes Funny Quotes By Jodi Lynn Anderson

P.S. Please give my love to Tink, she always was such a funny little bug — Jodi Lynn Anderson

Quotes Funny Quotes By Oliver Markus

It's like playing the lottery. It doesn't matter how extremely low the chances are of winning. You gotta be in it to win it. Hitting on every girl in sight is like buying a whole lot of lottery tickets. You never know, one day one of them might actually pay off. — Oliver Markus

Quotes Funny Quotes By Jennifer Harrison

Twitter has the sustained ability to not get all touchy when I forget to "favorite" and thus had me at the first entirely inappropriate tweet flung my way. — Jennifer Harrison

Quotes Funny Quotes By Gary Val Tenuta

I think. Therefore, I am. I think."
- Anonymous

I found this written in tiny letters in the grout between the wall tiles above a urinal in a restroom at the University of Washington, circa 1980. I don't know if Descartes would have approved but I thought it was brilliant. — Gary Val Tenuta

Quotes Funny Quotes By Brandon Sanderson

I grunted, hauling the rope hand over hand. A plaintive squeak came from the pulley system with each draw, as if I had strapped some unfortunate mouse to a torture device and was twisting with glee. — Brandon Sanderson

Quotes Funny Quotes By Charlie Huston

Course you can't fucking see, buddy, it's darker than a nun's virgin anus down here. — Charlie Huston

Quotes Funny Quotes By Sherrilyn Kenyon

You're boring me, M'Ordant. Go away." V'Aidan
"You can't be bored." M'Ordant
"And a good thing, too, since I'd no doubt perish from it while in your company." V'Aidan — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Quotes Funny Quotes By Albert Einstein

Intelligent life on other planets? I'm not even sure there is on earth! — Albert Einstein

Quotes Funny Quotes By Buffy Andrews

I'll pray for good semen. And I'll get all of my friends to pray for good semen. — Buffy Andrews

Quotes Funny Quotes By The Covert Comic

Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads? — The Covert Comic

Quotes Funny Quotes By Rumi Antoinette

What's that around your neck?" asked Emily.
"It's a golden star." Said Reed.
"What did you get it for?"
"Chemistry class."
"What's the star for?" the shadow asked, Usually stars represent a straight A student.
"You get it for having greatness. But Emily doesn't know what that is." He said, answering the shadows question and looking at Emily.
"Greatness, what's greatness?" Emily asked, all wide eyed, and clueless looking
"It's when you do really awesome stuff, and people recognize you for it."
"Oh, no" Emily laughed ."No, I don't know what that is. — Rumi Antoinette

Quotes Funny Quotes By Regina Griffin

Ish #21 Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat! — Regina Griffin

Quotes Funny Quotes By L. Benitez

Is this about what happened to you and the old Sector 7?" I asked with a growl of my own.
His hands tightened their grip on my shoulders. "How did you know about that?"
"Tabby-Chan told me."
"Freaking Meko-Chan," Kuroi uttered, "I swear, that kid is gonna get it. What did she tell you, exactly?"
"She told me not to tell you that she told me what you told her." I realized what I said. "Oops."

~Luna's POV, Clash of the Clans: Shinobi 7 Companion Book #1 — L. Benitez

Quotes Funny Quotes By Hasil Paudyal

Congratulations to your mom and dad for birth of a sweet child!

Sorry that I couldn't wish them when you were born. — Hasil Paudyal

Quotes Funny Quotes By Augusten Burroughs

I realized I'd only seen him at night in dim, flattering restaurant lighting. The sun was not his friend. — Augusten Burroughs

Quotes Funny Quotes By Lucian Bane

Lucian. She's not normal. She's got the sex drive of Ursula. I'm so ashamed to say I've faked illnesses and gone to the doctor just to have a doctor's excuse! ~Steve~ — Lucian Bane

Quotes Funny Quotes By Tui T. Sutherland

All right, I'll wait another two thousand years to make jokes about my evilness. — Tui T. Sutherland

Quotes Funny Quotes By Cynthia Hand

It's been nice knowing you, Clara,
Huh? My brain still a bit shell-shocked.
Say a prayer for me, will you? He gives me a shaky grin.
Because I'm pretty sure my parents are going to kill me — Cynthia Hand

Quotes Funny Quotes By R.R. Virdi

My bosses would be beyond pissed if tomorrow's New York Times read: "Solid gold tiger eats stupid couple who were taking photos of it with their camera phone. — R.R. Virdi

Quotes Funny Quotes By Jacquelyn Nicole Davis

I DON'T KNOW! I HAVE NO FREAKIN' IDEA. I'M ONLY FIFTEEN. I want my mom. — Jacquelyn Nicole Davis

Quotes Funny Quotes By Jim Butcher

Come with me if you want to live. — Jim Butcher

Quotes Funny Quotes By Foster

If you want breakfast in bed, you have to concider sleeping in the kitchen> — Foster "Raul" Mkhabele

Quotes Funny Quotes By Mokokoma Mokhonoana

An ignorant man who is regarded as knowledgeable by people who are more ignorant than him is still ignorant. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Quotes Funny Quotes By E.A. Bucchianeri

Thought for the day: Twitter ... 140 character limit ... must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers ... — E.A. Bucchianeri

Quotes Funny Quotes By Dora J. Arod

My love is meatloaf flavored. I just wish my meatloaf was also meatloaf flavored. — Dora J. Arod

Quotes Funny Quotes By Ljupka Cvetanova

It's not over till the fat lady eats! — Ljupka Cvetanova

Quotes Funny Quotes By Buffy Andrews

The pimple is perfect. — Buffy Andrews

Quotes Funny Quotes By Amit Kalantri

When someone gives you advice, just ask them to give it in writing and they will either keep mum or will run from there. — Amit Kalantri

Quotes Funny Quotes By Amit Kalantri

Sometimes advises from others are more difficult to bear with than even slang. — Amit Kalantri

Quotes Funny Quotes By Brandon Sanderson

Your insult has offended me. If we were at the Peaks, we would have to duel in traditional alil'tiki'i fashion."
"Which is what?" Teft asked. "With spears?"
Rock laughed. "No, no. We upon the Peaks are not barbarians like you down here."
"How then?" Kaladin asked, genuinely curious.
"Well," Rock said, "is involving much mudbeer and singing."
"How's that a duel?"
"He who can still sing after the most drinks is winner. Plus, soon' everyone is so drunk that they forget what argument was about."
Teft laughed. "Beats knives at dawn, I suppose. — Brandon Sanderson

Quotes Funny Quotes By Gideon Defoe

Everybody clapped enthusiastically and Dr. Marx popped up from behind the podium, where he had been hiding all along. He was the hairiest man the pirates had ever seen. Several of the crew were actually worried for a moment that the Seaweed That Walked Like a Man had returned from one of their previous adventures to ambush them. His nose was hairy. His forehead was hairy. Even his hands were hairy. And his beard was a great bushy black number, which looked like he had sellotaped a bunch of cats to the bottom of his face and then frightened them with a loud noise. — Gideon Defoe

Quotes Funny Quotes By Jonathan Messinger

The quotes are often poignant or funny (one man before the firing squad requests a bulletproof vest) and often don't register as much more than interesting historical documents from centuries past. But read in aggregate, all that pain piles up. Essentially, Elder has amassed a collection of what people say when they know they are going to die, the final product of what could be seen as psychological torture. — Jonathan Messinger

Quotes Funny Quotes By Mita Jain

As the nicknames get shorter, people come closer. — Mita Jain

Quotes Funny Quotes By Lili St. Crow

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch. — Lili St. Crow

Quotes Funny Quotes By Werley Nortreus

When a female cop pull you over for speeding, to get out of the ticket, talk nice to her, try to flirt or start crying, i bet she will save the ticket for you. — Werley Nortreus

Quotes Funny Quotes By Sherrilyn Kenyon

In theory, especially in the case of Stone, those who have human hearts would remain cognizant of their behavior and in control of themselves. Those who are Katagaria ... — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Quotes Funny Quotes By Sherrilyn Kenyon

What's the deal with this Malachai?" Xevikan
"I don't know. I just joined him myself. But he seems level. Decent even." Zavid
"He's with a half-daeve turncoat, a Charonte, and an Aamon, and you don't find that off?" Xevikan
"Wait until you meet his Arel girlfriend, lunatic mother, and the two human homicidal maniac he calls family. Buddy, everything about the Malachai ain't right." Zavid — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Quotes Funny Quotes By J.R. Ward

You've always been there for me. Always. Even when I ... " V
"Even when you what?" B
"You know." V
"What?" B
"Fuck. Even when I was in love with you. Or some shit." V
Butch clasped his hands to his chest. "Was? Was? I can't believe you've lost interest." He threw one arm over his eyes, all Sarah Bernhardt. "My dreams of our future are shattered - " B
"Shut it, cop." V
Butch looked out from under his arm. "Are you kidding me? The reality show I had planned was fantastic. Was going to pitch it to VH1. Two Bites Are Better Than One. We were going to make millions ." B
"Oh, for the love. — J.R. Ward

Quotes Funny Quotes By Werley Nortreus

You're sad? I'll cheer you up. You're upset? I'd love to listen. All you have to do is come to me, you know I'll be there for you. — Werley Nortreus

Quotes Funny Quotes By T.J. Klune

Well, then, Otter, of course I don't like Bundt cake. It has eggs in it. Baby chicken eggs. You don't see chickens standing outside of maternity wards waiting to get our babies to make their Bundt cake, do you? — T.J. Klune

Quotes Funny Quotes By Kresley Cole

Hey! When he dug into it, rifling through her things, she snapped, Go Yoda someone else's supplies, asshole. — Kresley Cole

Quotes Funny Quotes By Mary Sage Nguyen

I will always choose to be an imbecile. I couldn't cut it as an old fashion, and dry gal. — Mary Sage Nguyen

Quotes Funny Quotes By April Mae Monterrosa

Life is funny...we never know what's in store for us and time brings on what is meant to be. — April Mae Monterrosa

Quotes Funny Quotes By Mindy Levy

It's early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I'm thankful. I'm happy. My cup runneth over. Now there's coffee everywhere. — Mindy Levy

Quotes Funny Quotes By C.D. Reiss

I don't want to hear what anyone has to say about my life. Living it is hard enough. — C.D. Reiss

Quotes Funny Quotes By Kevin Focke

Climate change is like my head: it's not visible in every instance, but I'm pretty darn sure it's there. — Kevin Focke

Quotes Funny Quotes By Walter Isaacson

His son Peter Bucky happily spent time driving Einstein around, and he later wrote down some of his recollections in extensive notebooks. They provide a delightful picture of the mildly eccentric but deeply un-affected Einstein in his later years. Peter tells, for example, of driving in his convertible with Einstein when it suddenly started to rain. Einstein pulled off his hat and put it under his coat. When Peter looked quizzical, Einstein explained: "You see, my hair has withstood water many times before, but I don't know how many times my hat can. — Walter Isaacson

Quotes Funny Quotes By Nenia Campbell

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope. — Nenia Campbell

Quotes Funny Quotes By Brandon Mull

Forgive my brother," Camira apologized. "We don't normally let him out of his cage when guests are present. — Brandon Mull

Quotes Funny Quotes By Candace C. Bowen

Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels. — Candace C. Bowen

Quotes Funny Quotes By Mark W. Boyer

Whenever I'm running an hour late for for work, it always makes me feel better when I can leave an hour early at the end of the day to make up for it. — Mark W. Boyer

Quotes Funny Quotes By T.J. Klune

I don't think this is working out between us," I told him. "You and I want different things. It's not me, it's you. — T.J. Klune

Quotes Funny Quotes By LeeAnn Whitaker

Well, I did tell you I couldn't give you a thing. Maybe you've just realised that Alistair can give the god damn world, and the pleasure of kissing his shiny slap-head every day! — LeeAnn Whitaker

Quotes Funny Quotes By Ana Claudia Antunes

What did the mat say to the door? You must be really aDOORable to open up to everyone who knock at you. And I welcome everyone and what do I get? People stepping all over me — Ana Claudia Antunes

Quotes Funny Quotes By G.K. Chesterton

The obvious thing to say of his appearance was that he would have been extremely handsome if he had not been entirely bald. But, indeed, that would itself be a rather bald way of putting it. Fantastic as it sounds, it would fit the case better to say that people would have been surprised to see hair growing on him; as surprised as if they had found hair growing on the bust of a Roman emperor. — G.K. Chesterton

Quotes Funny Quotes By Leah Thomas

Wait, how do most people make friends? I've only done it once. There has to be an easier way of going abouit it than getting thrown around and bleeding all over the place. But both of us went through that. So maybe...

Nosebleeds = Friendship Maybe friends are drawn to bloodsheed. You know. Like sharks. — Leah Thomas

Quotes Funny Quotes By Mark A. Cooper

Luckily the smoke raised the alarm and everyone fled we don't think any innocent people died. Although when the cavern collapsed two guards were crushed."
"Yeah I would have been disappointed too." Jason grinned, his grin was soon wiped off his face when he noticed Dexter's face change and disapproval of his joke. — Mark A. Cooper

Quotes Funny Quotes By Mark Jackman

Suddenly, a voice called from the darkness. Taylor leapt like a salmon, then became rooted to the spot like a tin of salmon. — Mark Jackman

Quotes Funny Quotes By Sheeja Jose

Vomit and shit, even your own, stink. — Sheeja Jose

Quotes Funny Quotes By Joan Bauer

Life and death played out before my very eyes.
You don't see these things if you clean your room regularly. — Joan Bauer

Quotes Funny Quotes By E.L. Montes

Jenna is the kind of beautiful that I can get lost in. Lost from all the fucked-up-ness in my head. She's the kind of beautiful that laughs at all my non funny jokes because she gets me. She's the kind of beautiful that'll put me in my place without batting an eye. Jenna is the kind of beautiful that can transform a non believing man like me into a man who wants more. A man who can fall hard, stumbling over his own two feet because he's so tangled up in her. — E.L. Montes

Quotes Funny Quotes By Ana Claudia Antunes

The first time I saw a mermaid in my dream, and she looked so real...THAT.'s fishy!! — Ana Claudia Antunes

Quotes Funny Quotes By Laurell K. Hamilton

You just wanted to walk in front of me so I'd have to stare at your butt — Laurell K. Hamilton

Quotes Funny Quotes By Tamsyn Bester

We drink to those who love us, we drink to those who don't. We drink to those who fuck us, and fuck those who don't! — Tamsyn Bester

Quotes Funny Quotes By Ana Claudia Antunes

Some say Twitter is overrated.
Some love it, others hate it.
I guess it depends on what you've got,
If you have guts to write a funny plot! — Ana Claudia Antunes

Quotes Funny Quotes By C. JoyBell C.

If you were not cast into the abyss, you would have never groped, reached as far as you could reach, to grasp for anything that you could possibly touch, anything that you could possibly feel brushing against your fingertips! Funny how in the darkness, we come to find the things that we never saw before all the lights departed! It's like someone needed to turn the lights out, to make us find all the things that we never looked for when the lights were on! And it's in that blackness that we wake up to the true light! My friends, curse not the darkness! It has given you many things! — C. JoyBell C.