Philips Quotes & Sayings

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair. — Emo Philips

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. — Emo Philips

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage. — Emo Philips

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon. — Emo Philips

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back. — Emo Philips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote. — Emo Philips

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible. — Emo Philips

They have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like underachievers. — Emo Philips

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow. — Emo Philips

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse? — Emo Philips

I've been at stand-up for years: after a while, you get as jaded as the proverbial gynecologist who no longer enjoys drugging and violating his patients. — Emo Philips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!' — Emo Philips

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving. — Emo Philips

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him. — Emo Philips

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear. — Emo Philips

It was enough to disillusion a man, Red Philips remarked, if a man were silly enough to have illusions. Red — James Brady

I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week. — Emo Philips

When we came along there was only Decca, Philips and EMI who could really produce a record for you. You had to go through the whole bureaucracy to get into the recording studio. You were in such a humble position, you didn't have more than 12 hours to make a whole album, which is what we did in the early days. — John Lennon

Where's Philips?" he demanded. "Or this ship's surgeon?"
"Philips went below to tend the men there. Their surgeon is no longer in possession of the lower half of his body. I believe he is presently indisposed with the business of dying. — Alexandra Bracken

Philips, whose touch harmonious could remove The pangs of guilty power and hapless love! Rest here, distress'd by poverty no more; Here find that calm thou gav'st so oft before; Sleep undisturb'd within this peaceful shrine, Till angels wake thee with a note like thine! — Samuel Johnson

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know ... You break it, you buy it. — Emo Philips

Consider your duty done," said Mannerheim, looking back into his expanding incision. Philips — Robin Cook

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny. — Emo Philips

I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine. — Emo Philips

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal ... You have to let me in now. — Emo Philips

I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad. — Emo Philips

I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, "I am a bulemic". — Emo Philips

every dream she had ever had, like delicious fruits, and then left her alone to discover that every one was poisoned. — Sabrina Philips

My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um ... breast ... out feeding it. You know ... cereal or whatever. — Emo Philips

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence ... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. — Emo Philips

Now there's a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long? — Emo Philips

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson. — Emo Philips

And thou shalt in thy daughter see,
This picture, once, resembled thee. — Ambrose Philips

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some. — Emo Philips

Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit. — Emo Philips

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service. — Emo Philips

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose. — Emo Philips

I have to force myself to look away from those irresistible dimples; they unleash the desire between my legs. — Emily Rose Philips

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th ... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak. — Emo Philips

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it? — Emo Philips

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life. — Emo Philips

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household. — Emo Philips

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel. — Emo Philips

Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of Not this again, and Hey, where did you learn that? — Emo Philips

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him. — Emo Philips

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza. — Emo Philips

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark. — Emo Philips

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items. — Emo Philips

I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense ... But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible ... Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw ... Yeah, OK, OK! — Emo Philips

Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It's like the original violins were made in Cremona and there's never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat. — Emo Philips

Well, well; I'm starting to see what a bad, little thing you truly are, and I wonder if making you recreate your deviant act will not be nearly enough of a punishment. — J.P. Philips

Studious of ease, and fond of humble things. — Ambrose Philips

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me. — Emo Philips

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference. — Emo Philips

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers ... damn anthropologists. — Emo Philips

Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany ... After, I'm guessing, amnesia ... — Emo Philips

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat. — Emo Philips

I've always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby. — Emo Philips

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. — Emo Philips

Allah has tailor made the test for each and every one of us and none of us will be given something which we can't bear. I am given something that I can bear and you are given something that YOU can bear. The tests won't be the same for you and me. This is why suicide is the a great wrong because by suicide you're basically declaring, 'Oh Allah this is too much, I can't take it anymore! — Bilal Philips

I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center. — Emo Philips

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often. — Emo Philips

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out. — Emo Philips

Ambiguity is the devil's volleyball. — Emo Philips

My girlfriend said, Emo, I'm seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something. — Emo Philips

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill. — Emo Philips

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important. — Emo Philips

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me. — Emo Philips

Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block. — Emo Philips

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes. — Emo Philips

If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy. — Emo Philips

I am selfish, father? Because I will not become the thing I despise?"
"And narrow, Philips, to despise what you do not know."
"I am to be a painted popinjay! I tell you, sir, Cleone may take me as I am!"
"Or leave you as you are," said Sir Maurice gently. — Georgette Heyer

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes "Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen." — Emo Philips

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference. — Emo Philips

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ. — Emo Philips

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in. — Emo Philips

television's sole function these days is to drive permanent wedges between people with different philosophies in such a way that an insatiable furor keeps us coming back to confirm our biases and condemn our opponents. Reasonable discourse doesn't sell commercial time. Intellectual inflammation rules the airwaves. That and reality shows about repugnant housewives yearning to be famous. — Doug Philips

I learned about sex the hard way ... from books. — Emo Philips

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo. — Emo Philips

His mother and father were agnostics, and Jim respected devout Christians in the same way that he respected people who were members of the Graf Zeppelin Club or shopped at the Chinese department stores, for their mastery of an exotic foreign ritual. Besides, those who worked hardest for others, like Mrs. Philips and Mrs. Gilmour and Dr. Ransome, often held beliefs that turned out to be correct. — J.G. Ballard

One man's pet-stained carpet is another man's Twister game. — Emo Philips

First Blood Rambo knife by Jimmy Lile. It features a saw, a guard with straight and Philips screwdriver heads, holes in the guard for a wrist lanyard, — David Morrell

I don't know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me. — Emo Philips

Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. — Emo Philips

If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way. — Emo Philips

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. — Emo Philips

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way. — Emo Philips

When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He
survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare
system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just
had to pay the inheritance tax. — Emo Philips

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the "urbane sophisticate" 'til the day I die. — Emo Philips

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches. — Emo Philips

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something. — Emo Philips

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement. — Emo Philips

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow. — Emo Philips

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like. — Emo Philips

I think suspense is a big thing. — Gina Philips

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment. — Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life. — Emo Philips

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites. — Emo Philips

Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be. — Emo Philips

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen. — Emo Philips