Murder She Wrote Funny Quotes & Sayings

Then you should say what you mean," the March Hare went on.
"I do," Alice hastily replied; "at least
at least I mean what I say
that's the same thing, you know."
"Not the same thing a bit!" said the Hatter. "You might just as well say that "I see what I eat" is the same thing as "I eat what I see"! — Lewis Carroll

I am so far from thinking the maxims of Confucius and Jesus Christ to differ, that I think the plain and simple maxims of the former, will help to illustrate the more obscure ones of the latter, accommodated to the then way of speaking. — Matthew Tindal

I love smart comedy. — Jason Alexander

Name three types of olives."
"Olives! I wouldn't know one type!"
"Well, there are three. You can get green ones, you can get black ones, or you can get stuffed. — John Marsden

Your zeal to face life's rough and tumble, your ardor to accept the responsibilities of adulthood is hardly congruent with the aspirations of most graduate students ... ' He shook his head of disagreeable hair. 'I need not tell you,' he deplored, sinking to paralipsis, 'that there resides in almost every one of 'em the unconscious desire not to grow up. For once the academic goal is attained and the doctorate irradicably abbreviated after the name, the problem of facing the world is confronted. The subtlest, most unremitting drive of the student is his unconscious proclivity to postpone the acceptance of responsibility as long as possible. — Millard Kaufman

We got him to talk to a psych doctor once, the doctor asked if he heard things other people don't. Sure, Paul answered, I hear birds in the morning when everyone's sleeping, I hear trees rustling when no one's around. — Nick Flynn

His pager beeped, and he looked at the readout. "I have to get back to Deal. Do you have any secret weapons in your arsenal? You want to make any last-ditch efforts at apprehension?"
Ugh. He was so smug! "I hate you," I said.
"No, you don't," Ranger said, kissing me lightly on the lips.
"Why did you agree to meet me?" Our eyes locked for a moment. And then he cuffed me. Both hands behind my back. — Janet Evanovich

No one is more insufferable than he who lacks basic courtesy. — Bryant McGill

The entire room exploded into applause, even a few whistles. I shook my after he kissed my forehead, and then stood up to take a bow. When he returned to his seat in front of me, he chuckled.
"They're not looking at you, now, are they?" he panted.
"Thanks. You really shouldn't have," I smiled. — Jamie McGuire