List Funny Quotes & Sayings

When Indian women begin the search for an Indian man, they carry a huge list of qualifications. He has to have a job. He has to be kind, intelligent, and funny. He has to dance and sing. He should know how to iron his own clothes. Braids would be nice. But as the screwed-up Indian men stagger through their lives, Indian women are forced to amend their list of qualifications. Eventually, Indian men need only to have their own teeth to get snagged. — Sherman Alexie

Think back through your experiences and make a bullet point list of funny stories that have happened to you or your friends. Travel, school, college, parties, work, interaction with parents/in-laws, embarrassing situations, etc. Looking at old photos will help to jog memories. — David Nihill

I don't regret saying something," I said as he pulled down the street.
He glanced at me."Well, I regret not punching him in the face."
My lips twitched."Sorry. I couldn't let that happen."
"I'm sure I'll get another opportunity," He muttered, squinting out the windshield. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

The point of the list wasn't just to tick items off and forget about them, it was to learn something new. — Lindsey Kelk

I can embarrass myself very easily on guitar. It's funny because people say to me I can play anything; I'm God on the guitar. But I could make a big list of everything I can't play ... I'm grateful that people don't notice that. — Joe Satriani

Funny, gorgeous, and a genius. What a package. He backed out of the parking space, smiling as he drove away.
I loved that he left crazy off the list.
I loved it even more that he would never think to add it. — Myra McEntire

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox. — Anthony Jeselnik

As W.H. Auden pointed out, the Reaper takes the rolling in money, the screamingly funny, and those who are very well hung. But that isn't where Auden starts his list. He starts with the innocent young. — Stephen King

We have a game we play when we're waiting for tables in restaurants, where you have to write the five things that describe yourself on a piece of paper. When I was [in my twenties], I would have put: ambitious, Wellesley graduate, daughter, Democrat, single. Ten years later not one of those five things turned up on my list. I was: journalist, feminist, New Yorker, divorced, funny. Today not one of those five things turns up in my list: writer, director, mother, sister, happy. — Nora Ephron

The following is a list of statements made many years ago by experts in their fields. At the time they were said they sounded intelligent. With the passing of time, they sound idiotic. — Sean Covey

I'm the one who's dating the craft-service guy instead of the producer. Plus, if a producer is going to date a hot young thing, I'm probably not the first person on their list - the weird, quirky, funny girl. — Whitney Cummings

His eyes had that hooded quality that brought a flush to my cheeks. "That's a great list."
"What about you?" I asked. "What do you want to do when this is all over?"
"For real?" When I nodded, he lowered his head, dropping a quick kiss on the tip of my nose. "I can't believe you even have to ask that. I plan to be wherever you are."
My lips immediately curved into one of those big, funny-looking smiles as my heart swelled in my chest like an old-school cartoon character's. I was waiting for my eyes to turn into exaggerated hearts that popped out. "That is...that is the perfect answer."
"That's because I am perfect."
"Well, that wasn't the perfect answer," I said drily. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

You're a goddam funny kid, Clivey," he said. "I got sixteen grandchildren, and there's only two of em that I think is gonna amount to duckshit, and you ain't one of em - although you're on the runner-up list - but you're the only one that can make me laugh until my balls ache. — Stephen King

I like to skip prewriting. I love just jumping into the actual writing process. Then I revise/edit and fix what I need to. Then the following steps; proofread and publish. Of course before you just go into writing, it would be a good idea to do some charts of each chapter ... what you would want each one to be about and have a character list with their personalities and how they will come into play in your book. I mean, you wouldn't just want to go all crazy and jot down all kinds of random stuff at once ... trust me, you'll go crazy. With writing, you take it as it comes, go with your own flow.-Nina Jean Slack — Nina Jean Slack

How happy is the Optimist / To whom life shows its sunny side / His horse may lose, his ship may list, / But he always sees the funny side. — Phyllis McGinley

Trying to assassinate the president should not be funny. It really shouldn't. It's not like I was cracking up when we read about Lincoln or JFK. But let's face it, they were real presidents. Gerald Ford ranks right up there with Millard Fillmore and Bush the First on the list of unexciting white men who have run this country, made their way into history books, and otherwise been human sleeping pills. If all the presidents had been television shows, Gerald Ford would probably have been a PBS fund drive. So I'd bet the fact that anyone would try to kill Gerald Ford, Gerald Rudolph Ford, was kind of hard to get excited about, even back in the day. — Alison Umminger

PAXTON OSGOOD'S FUTURE HUSBAND
Will be kind
Will be funny
Will be accepting
Will be be able to cook
Will be a good kisser
Will always surprise me
Will argue with me and sometimes let me win,
but not always
Will be mysterious
Will always love me, no matter what I look like
Mama will not like him, which means
I will love him even more — Sarah Addison Allen

My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once. — Anthony Jeselnik

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names. — Rita Rudner

Remember at the junior picnic, when someone whipped that dog at Jennifer's head? And Jennifer was laughing, like it was funny? Ted never copped to it, but I know he did it. I saw him. A-hole.'
Rachel shakes her head in disgust. 'She probably deals with that kind of crap every day ... '
'That's it. I'm going to ask Jennifer if she wants to sit with us today ... I don't like those little turds thinking they can make fun of her because she's on the list. Don't they have any respect for the fact that she's a senior? If she's with us, they wouldn't dare say anything. — Siobhan Vivian

I only snatched him to get your attention," I said. "Now that I've got it, this is what I want."
"Damn my dame!" Al shouted, hands raised to the ceiling. "I knew it! Not another list! — Kim Harrison

On the board was a list of words and phrases which her mother considered not suitable for use in college T-shirt design. She had been asked about them so often that in the end she had started a blacklist of banned words to which everyone could refer. Every time someone thought of a new one, she unflinchingly wrote it down ...
Rose read through the list, and turned back to her letter.
These are the words I learned to spell in Mummy's art class today, she wrote, and sighed a little as she began the tedious job of copying from the board. — Hilary McKay

We have no way of knowing what words you are going to misuse, so we cannot offer you a list. What we can offer, though, is a test that you yourself can apply to any word, whenever you are in doubt.
A Test: Do I Know This Word?
Ask yourself: 'Do I know this word?'
If the answer is no, then you do not know it. — Howard Mittelmark

Before you eat the elephant, make sure you know what parts you want to eat. — Todd Stocker

Susan was a tough-minded romantic. She wanted to fall in love with a book. She always had reasons for her devotions, as an astute reader would, but she was, to her credit, probably the most emotional one among us. Susan could fall in love with a book in more or less the way one falls in love with a person. Yes, you can provide, if asked, a list of your loved one's lovable qualities: he's kind and funny and smart and generous and he knows the names of trees.
But he's also more than amalgamation of qualities. You love him, the entirety of him, which can't be wholly explained by even the most exhaustive explication of his virtues. And you love him no less for his failings. O.K., he's bad with money, he can be moody sometimes, and he snores. His marvels so outshine the little complaints as to render them ridiculous. — Michael Cunningham

Think good thoughts. Or maybe conjure up your perfect guy, I try to list all of the things I want in a guy. Smart. Funny. Chivalrous. What? Mr. Darcy is hot. Great, now I'm thinking about Colin Firth and he's like my dad's age. So wrong. — Daisy Prescott

It's so funny to think that I used to be a model and here I am doing arbitrage, shipping and negotiating margins, the list is endless. — Caprice Bourret

You don't like my restaurant, Miss Connor?"
"I couldn't say since the waiting list to get in is six months long."
One side of his mouth curved up. "This is true."
His finger lingered, and I tried to swallow the nervous lump in my throat. "I think you can call me by my first name now, seeing as how you're touching my boob. That puts us a little past formality, don't you think? — Jenny Lyn

That just sounds so funny, A-list. Really, I'm a mom, and that's how I'm going to be all my life. — Angelina Jolie

I don't need a president with a bucket list! — Chris Rock

Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list. — Bill Engvall

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money. — George Carlin

There is no list of rules. There is one rule. The rule is: there are no rules. Happiness comes from living as you need to, as you want to. As your inner voice tells you to. Happiness comes from being who you actually are instead of who you think you are supposed to be. Being traditional is not traditional anymore. It's funny that we still think of it that way. Normalize your lives, people. You don't want a baby? Don't have one. I don't want to get married? I won't. You want to live alone? Enjoy it. You want to love someone? Love someone. Don't apologize. Don't explain. Don't ever feel less than. When you feel the need to apologize or explain who you are, it means the voice in your head is telling you the wrong story. Wipe the slate clean. And rewrite it. No fairy tales. Be your own narrator. And go for a happy ending. One foot in front of the other. You will make it. — Shonda Rhimes

You just punched a prince, Alina. I guess we can add one more act of treason to our list."
I shook out my sore hand. My knuckles smarted. "First of all, are we so sure he really is a prince? And second, you're just jealous."
"Of course I'm jealous. I thought I was going to get to punch him. That isn't the point. — Leigh Bardugo

Maybe you should make me a list of people I can kill and ways in which they're allowed to die," he said. "You are not funny." "I'm very funny. — Ilona Andrews

I'm so into you, it's not even funny. (Naomi & Ely's No Kiss List) — Rachel Cohn

You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes! — Mitch Hedberg

1429 was a whole year long, and Paris is a big city. When in 1429, and where in Paris are two very big questions on a long list of big questions that we don't know the answers to." Funny, for a second there, I actually sounded rational and careful. As if leaping head-first into bad plans wasn't my specialty. Ringo — April White

I've just read that I am dead. Don't forget to delete me from your list of subscribers. — Rudyard Kipling

Congratulations your 18! ... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill. — Frankie Boyle

Alex the waiter was on my Spank Naughty list in third place, right after Henry Calvill the actor, then Henry Calvill as Superman. He was proof that God existed, and that God loved straight women. — Penny Reid

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list? — Frank Carson

Okay, gang," I said, "according to blueprints, there's an elevator access panel on the east side of the building. We may get a little dirty, but - "
"I thought we'd just go through the doors," Liz said, flashing three beautifully engraved invitations and some wonderfully authentic fake IDs.
The tickets were $20,000 each. The Secret Service had been vetting the guest list for weeks, so Bex and I stopped beneath a streetlamp and studied Liz.
"Do I even want to know where you got those?" I asked.
Liz seemed to ponder it, and then she said, "No. — Ally Carter

I brought you some pictures of my work," he said proudly. His name was William Weinstein, which may have explained why he left Jews off his hate list. He had been born in Brooklyn, and moved to Santa Fe ten years before. He took an envelope out of his pocket, rifled through some pictures, and handed them to Paris. They were ten-foot phallic symbols made of clay. The man had penises on the brain. "It's very interesting work," Paris said, pretending to be impressed. "Do you use live models?" she asked more in jest, and he nodded. "Actually, I use my own." He thought that hysterically funny and laughed so hard he almost coughed himself to death. Along with the clay under his nails, enough of it to create another sculpture, his fingers were stained with nicotine. "Do you like to ride?" "Yes, but I haven't in a long time. Do you? — Danielle Steel

While we're at it, why don't we add a third emotion to this list: lust. You are probably unaware that Linnaeus lumped the tomato into the same genus as the potato, a food with a reputation for its widespread availability and easy satisfaction of oral needs. — Benson Bruno

I had a very funny and depressing talk with my seventy-four-year-old mother. I decided, she doesn't have a bucket list - she has a kick-the-bucket list. — Lori Lesko

She already had a headache-she didn't want to add 'get tortured' to today's to-do list. — C.C. Hunter

Julia had been very very good for a very long time, and the funny thing about that was, if you're too good too much of the time, people start to forget about you. You're not a problem, so people can strike you off their list of things to worry about. Nobody makes a fuss over you. They make a fuss over the bad girls. — Lev Grossman

She takes out a piece of paper that looks like the list I gave her months ago. Smiling her Hayley smile, she puts it in my hand.
"These are my reasons."
"You made me a list?"
She nods, smile still glued on her face.
"Gosh darn it, Brody. I love the heck out of you. You should know why too." ( ... )
There's one thing on the list. And its in big letters, and I bark out my laughter.
You're good in the sack.
"You dork." I toss the paper over my shoulder, and she laughs against my lips.
"Thought that would be the only one you cared about."
I shake my head, wiggling my nose against hers. I still amazes me that she's my girl. — Becca Ann

Babe, I don't know you and my no zone has a very short guest list. Consider my belt the velvet rope no one crosses without an express invitation. — Sherrilyn Kenyon

Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses. — Bauvard

I start with a comprehensive list of all the recent songs that have been big hits - and then I go down that list and see if I can come up with funny ideas for them. I can always come up with ideas, but not necessarily good ones! — Al Yankovic

The dreams fresh on her mind, she wrote about the Ada she remembered. The obituary wasn't the sad, plodding list of mother and father, dead children, and surviving family. It honored a strong, funny woman. She proofed it a second time with a smile on her face. Ada would have slapped her knee and crowed along with her. — Laura Trentham

You have a taboo list?" Jade asked.
"You don't?" Lilah asked.
Jade bit her lower lip and Adam laughed. "Jade has a list for everything."
"True," Dell said, studying her, getting nothing from her expression. She had quite the game face, his Jade. "You do, you have lists for everything."
"Not everything."
"Jade, you have a list for every situation, big or small, from when to brush your teeth, to how to handle every potential patient to cross my door. Hell, you've got a list on what's in your purse and my office fridge and - "
"And don't forget the list on how many different ways I could kill you," she said, sipping her drink. — Jill Shalvis