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Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes & Sayings

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Top Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm asked very, very politely, and that's not putting out, that's just giving in. — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it. — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies. — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want ... — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex. — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility! — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners ... — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on. — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground. — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally ... erotically caressing each other ... on the hood of a car ... or the back of a movie theater ... — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather. — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her. — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world! — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome. — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

A kiss is like a fight, with mouths. — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go. — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently? — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart. — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm ... I'm hungry actually. — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe. — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid. — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you. — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move. — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes. — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

You're looking good today Bret. Very hot ... hotter than Jemaine. You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set to be classically handsome. — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys? — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free. — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to be on TV.' And I was like, 'That is exactly why it's a good thing that I'm on TV.' — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well ... she's got eyes. — Kristen Schaal

Kristen Schaal Funny Quotes By Kristen Schaal

The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost. — Kristen Schaal