Kimmel Quotes & Sayings

Many guys see relationships with women as a zero-sum game: If she wins, he loses. Marriage is the ultimate contest: Her job is to get him to capitulate to marriage. So many men see marriage as the "end of freedom," the end of boyhood. That's why bachelor parties are supposed to revel in that boyish irresponsibility "one last time." So many guys figure, "Why rush into something that means basically that you'll be a prisoner forever?" — Michael Kimmel

My colleagues and I have done a survey of 13,000 students on more than 17 campuses, and we found that while sex in college has always been a bit more casual, "hooking up" has pretty much replaced other traditional forms of dating. — Michael Kimmel

At night, I try to sneak in some of the shows that I love. I can't live without '30 Rock' - I was a fan before I joined the show in 2007 - and 'The Office.' 'Revenge' is my drama. And I love Jimmy Kimmel if I can stay up late enough to watch him. — Sherri Shepherd

Mother always said she was a size 7 woman she kept wrapped in fat to prevent bruising. — Haven Kimmel

Fear based parenting is the surest way to create intimidated children. — Tim Kimmel

Privilege is invisible to those who have it. — Michael Kimmel

Calling a child "rebellious" has the equivalent effect of calling a child that is struggling in school "stupid." It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. — Tim Kimmel

Masculinity must be proved, and no sooner is it proved than it is again questioned and must be proved again-constant, relentless, unachievable, and ultimately the quest for proof becomes so meaningless that it takes on the characteristics, as Weber said, of a sport. He who has the most toys when he dies wins. — Michael S. Kimmel

Our children's rebellion is not the problem. It is the symptom. Why they are rebelling is the problem. And unless we address the "why," the external things we do in reaction to their rebellion will not make much of a difference. — Tim Kimmel

That cat doesn't have a lick of sense,' I said, sighing.
Well, honey, he's not right in the head,' Dad said, flipping his cigarette into the front yard.
I glared at him. 'And just what do you mean by that?'
Dad counted on his fingers. 'He's cross-eyed; he jumps out of trees after birds and then doesn't land on his feet; he sleeps with his head smashed up against the wall, and the tip of his tail is crooked.'
Oh yeah? Well, how about this: he once got locked in a basement by evil Petey Scroggs in the middle of January and survived on snow and little frozen mice. When I'm cold at night he sleeps right on my face. Of that whole litter of kittens he came out of he's the only one left. One of his brothers didn't even have a butthole.'
I stand corrected. PeeDink is a survivor. — Haven Kimmel

So is there no fact, no event, in our private history, which shall not, sooner or later, lose its adhesive, inert form, and astonish us by soaring from our body into the empyrean? Cradle and infancy, school and playground, the fear of boys, and dogs, and ferules, the love of little maids and berries, and many another fact that once filled the whole sky, are gone already; friend and relative, profession and party, town and country, nation and world, must also soar and sing. - RALPH WALDO EMERSON, The American Scholar — Haven Kimmel

Laura had hoped, she'd written in her journal, that whatever befell her daughters, they would not be damaged at the level of instinct, that exact phrase. — Haven Kimmel

Hey, it's Florida. Toss a beach ball at me, I'll empty my .45 into you and be home in time for Jimmy Kimmel. — Paul Levine

There are people in this world so perfect that the fact of them seems like a personal gift ... — Haven Kimmel

When you have kids, your castle becomes their bouncy castle. In my case, this is literally true. Jimmy Kimmel bought Sonny and Natalia this inflatable castle in 2012. It's the real deal. At first, I thought he had rented it. No, he bought it. — Adam Carolla

The pigs were pushing their noses through the slats in the truck bed, which made Langston so unaccountably sad she thought she would have to sit down on the sidewalk. How is it possible, she thought, that a person can drive a thinking, feeling, animal to slaughter and not become less than an animal himself? And what were the pigs searching for, after all, but air and freedom? — Haven Kimmel

Well, I'm here to tell you: I've seen women passionately devoted to men who couldn't pile bricks, and whole families of slack-jawed nose pickers held together by "love," not to mention all those people who curl up at night with dogs that have gunk running out of their eyes, dogs who earlier peed where they were about to walk and spent ten minutes licking their own wormy butts. — Haven Kimmel

Possibility, infinity, beauty
none of those words were right. [ ... ] What he really wanted to say was: have you felt this? this phantom life streaking like a phosphorescent hound at the edges of your ruin? — Haven Kimmel

On Jesus: Everyone around me was flat-out in love with him, and who wouldn't be? He was good with animals, he loved his mother, and he wasn't afraid of blind people. — Haven Kimmel

What kind of good deeds? Like Girl Scouts? Because I got kicked out of Brownies and they won't give me another chance to keep my clothes on at camp. — Haven Kimmel

I once heard her tell a friend that she was, in fact, a 120-pound woman, but she kept herself wrapped in fat in order to prevent bruising. — Haven Kimmel

I never imagined being on television. — Jimmy Kimmel

When fans think WWE, I don't want them to think Hulk Hogan or The Rock or Stone Cold Steve Austin or John Cena. I want them to think of The Miz. I want to be on every show. When we need a guy to do Conan or Jimmy Kimmel, I want them to call me. I wanna be on the cover of all the video games. I want it all. — The Miz

Honey, I know you like to take a drink, and that's all right, but be forewarned that I ain't your maid and I ain't your punching-bag, and if you ever raise your hand to me you'd best kill me. Because otherwise I'll wait till you're asleep; sew you into the bed; and beat you to death with a frying pan. — Haven Kimmel

I have had a lot of experience in broadcasting. — Jimmy Kimmel

My job as a parent is a temporary responsibility with eternal consequences. — Tim Kimmel

This weekend on The History Channel, someone digs through old plastic junk ("It's a Dukes of Hazzard wastebasket!"), someone else tries to sell a doll head ("I used to take the heads off the bodies, and I kept the heads") . . . and Larry the Cable Guy taste-tests Tabasco sauce ("I can't feel my dadgum tongue!"). The History Channel. What the hell happened to us? Jimmy Kimmel Live4 — Donald R. Prothero

I respect every way in which you are a troublemaker, now get up and do what your mother says. — Haven Kimmel

Single parents - both women and men - can play as critical a role as the traditional two-parent family, and gay and lesbian parents can, and do, raise happy, resilient children. When it comes to family life, form is not merely as important as content. Feeling loved and supported, nurtured and safe, is far more critical than the 'package' it comes in. — Michael S. Kimmel

They did a lot of cleaning in their house, which I considered to be a sign of immoral parenting. The job of parents, as I saw it, was to watch television and step into a child's life only when absolutely necessary, like in the event of a tornado or a potential kidnapping. — Haven Kimmel

You're never so bad you can't have a Savior, no matter how much you've sinned. — Tim Kimmel

I sensed weeping and salvation in the air, two of my least favorite things. — Haven Kimmel

My forte is the music. But obviously if ya don't keep up with the business, then your kinda doing it for nothing. So I do plan on being well off doing, maximizing what I do now. I heard Jimmy Kimmel describe being in your thirties in hip-hop is like the equivalent to being 300 yrs. old; almost like a dinosaur. — DJ Quik

For those who don't like Dave Letterman, there's Jay Leno; and for those who like neither, there's Craig Ferguson; and if you're still feeling undertained, there's George Lopez and Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel and - let's see, did we leave out a Jimmy? — Tom Shales

It's a lot easier for our children to look forward to a hopeful future if they have the confidence that we are doing all we can, while they are in our care, to groom them for the future. — Tim Kimmel

There's an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that they're mostly a bunch of veterans getting drunk in a lodge that they've built to look like a temple. It's just a bunch of guys trying to get away from their wives. — Jimmy Kimmel

On Letterman and Leno, it always bothers me when they go outside the studio and it's daytime. — Jimmy Kimmel

January 14, 2000, was my first time on stage, and I've been hooked ever since. I got discovered nationally in Seattle by the now-defunct HBO Comedy Festival, and that led to an appearance on 'Jimmy Kimmel Live' and a path to a professional comedy career. — Hari Kondabolu

Hofstadter shows how the political psychology of paranoid politics works: (1) posit, as Senator Joseph McCarthy did, "a great conspiracy on a scale so immense as to dwarf any previous such venture in the history of man"; (2) declare its infiltration of the government to be massive and pernicious; and (3) insist that time is running out, and without immediate action their takeover will be complete. Paranoid politics is thus a psychological disposition - projecting one's problem onto the fiendish machinations of others, so as both to uphold one's own purity and goodness and simultaneously to identify the source of the problem. As with many projects that rely on psychological displacement, the groups often produce the very thing they most fear; they become the enemy they are seeking to destroy: — Michael S. Kimmel

The truth is, we have this idea that late night is about creativity and being cool, but that's not our job. Our job is to get as many people watching the commercials in between our show. That's the reality of it. — Jimmy Kimmel

When I was on the radio, I used to be able to go a lot farther than I can now. You don't really remember until you're on the radio again, sometimes in your old radio station and sitting with the guys you used to work with and you go, 'Oh yeah, I can't say these things anymore. I'm handcuffed.' — Jimmy Kimmel

Love is the commitment of my will to your needs and best interests, regardless of the cost. — Tim Kimmel

I later discovered that in order to be a good athlete one must care intensely what is happening with a ball, even if one doesn't have possession of it. This was ultimately my failure: my inability to work up a passion for the location of balls. — Haven Kimmel

Ordinarily my mom just sunk deeper into her corner of the couch and ignored it. She had succesfully ignored a quarter of a century of entropy and decay, had sat peacefully crunching popcorn and drinking soda while the house fell down around us. If I had to guess the number of books she read during that time, I would place the number at somewhere in the neighborhood of forty thousand. — Haven Kimmel

I'm a terrible golfer. — Jimmy Kimmel

To be white, or straight, or male, or middle class is to be simultaneously ubiquitious and invisible. You're everywhere you look, you're the standard against which everyone else is measured. You're like water, like air. People will tell you they went to see a "woman doctor" or they will say they went to see "the doctor." People will tell you they have a "gay colleague" or they'll tell you about a colleague. A white person will be happy to tell you about a "Black friend," but when that same person simply mentions a "friend," everyone will assume the person is white. Any college course that doesn't have the word "woman" or "gay" or "minority" in its title is a course about men, heterosexuals, and white people. But we call those courses "literature," "history" or "political science."
This invisibility is political. — Michael S. Kimmel

I have like fifteen televisions in my house. — Jimmy Kimmel

That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't. — Jimmy Kimmel

Living a good life may keep you out of jail, but it cannot keep you out of hell. — Tim Kimmel

My definition of cursing is probably different from what other people's definitions are. — Jimmy Kimmel

I couldn't for the life of me figure out how long a person had to live, or how good she had to be, to get her hands on some treasure. — Haven Kimmel

Frankly, I'm guessing that before getting to my house today, Shoshanna had thought the Hoover Dam was some kind of vacuum cleaner attachment. — Elizabeth Cody Kimmel

When I first heard John Smith my attention was captured by his sweet, earthy voice and fine craftsmanship, but what drew me in was his heart. It's clear that he's lived the pain in his songs and that his optimism is hope born of wisdom. That's a rare thing and a gift to all who hear him. — Tom Kimmel

Real emotion is good - or doing a good job of faking real emotion. — Jimmy Kimmel

On the contrary, if grandparents want to make a positive difference in their grandchildren's lives, they must have a plan. — Tim Kimmel

Whatever the variations by race, class, age, ethnicity, or sexual orientation, being a man means "not being like women." This notion of antifemininity lies at the heart of contemporary and historical conceptions of manhood, so that masculinity is defined more by what one is not rather than who one is. — Michael S. Kimmel

We have the data to prove to men that gender equality is not a zero-sum game, but a win-win. — Michael Kimmel

My mom insisted on saying such things, even though almost no one understood what she meant. My Dad sometimes called her Addlebrain because she read so many books. — Haven Kimmel

I describe myself as a human being. — Jimmy Kimmel

Aren't all marriages kind of gay? As a man, when you get marries, essentially what you're saying is 'I will never touch another woman as long as I live, now let's put jewellery on each other and dance — Jimmy Kimmel

I love Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel. — Mike Birbiglia

The good news is that women's roles have changed so dramatically over the past three decades that women now expect to have careers, balance work and family, express their individual autonomy. — Michael Kimmel

I know that a lot of Christian kids rebel. But as I said earlier, I'm convinced that most of them don't really want to. They just haven't been given a better alternative. The only true antidote for a life of rebellion is a life worth living. — Tim Kimmel

But you can't ever live in the place you dream about, the town you long for. ...the moment you become conscious of your desire, and then fulfill it, it evaporates. — Haven Kimmel

I go to Costco every weekend. It's my favorite part of the week. — Jimmy Kimmel

I honestly believe that people who never have children or never love a child are doomed to a sort of foolishness because it cant be described or explained, that love. I didnt know anything before I had him, and I havent learned anything since I lost him. Everything that isnt loving a child is just for show. — Haven Kimmel

Memory isn't the defective tape recording you've been led to believe. It's the tape player itself, playing back the tracks of music we select - and sometimes those we don't. — James Kimmel Jr.

When you know someone you can make a little more fun of them without them getting offended. — Jimmy Kimmel

I could no longer look at him. I wished, in fact, for blindness. — Haven Kimmel

You don't need to exorcise your personal demons onstage. — Jimmy Kimmel

I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really. — Anthony Jeselnik

I am hyper vigilant and would be dangerous if threatened ... If someone broke into my house or attacked me in the street, it's THEM I would fear for ... But as Yo La Tengo recently put it so succinctly: I am not afraid of you and I will beat your ass. — Haven Kimmel

Some of the worst elements of Guyland rest on the twin pillars of men's silence and women's compliance. — Michael Kimmel

Feminism expects a man to be ethical, emotionally present, and accountable to his values in his actions with women - as well as with other men. Feminism loves men enough to expect them to act more honorably and actually believes them capable of doing so. — Michael S. Kimmel

I think there is another choice for women; it involves challenging Guyland and supporting each other. — Michael Kimmel

There should be a phone service, I thought, something like 1-800-MEDIUM-1.Where an automated voice would direct you. Press one if an object in your home is levitating. Press two if there is ectoplasm oozing out of your walls. Press three if spirits are disrupting your cable service. Press four if you've inherited your mother's psychic abilities. — Elizabeth Cody Kimmel

In our families, we are finding that abandoning that sense of masculine entitlement actually enables us to live happier lives. — Michael S. Kimmel

I'm a creative consultant, whatever that means. — Jimmy Kimmel

Playing along with Guyland may be the only way an individual woman might believe she has a chance at a social life or a relationship. Sometimes it gets pretty crazy, like a sorority requiring that all the pledges sleep with the members of the "brother" fraternity. — Michael Kimmel

Mooreland is a long way to go to not to be anywhere when you get there. — Haven Kimmel

The best answer I can give is that poetry is all about the effect it has on a reader, and Robert Frost was very, very good at that. If you're asking whatit MEANS that the line is repeated [and miles to go before I sleep] I'd have to say I don't know. It's stylistic. But the effect is pretty clear. — Haven Kimmel

Getting into heaven has nothing to do with what we do for Christ, but rather what He has already done for us. — Tim Kimmel

At the Emmys, you've got a bunch of people who are used to being on TV on TV. You don't have that at the Oscars. At the Oscars, you have people who are used to having 40 takes. — Jimmy Kimmel

...every beautiful and strange event made more poignant for having been photographed. — Haven Kimmel

The distance between Mooreland in 1965 and a city like San Francisco in 1965 is roughly equivalent to the distance starlight must travel before we look up casually from a cornfield and see it. — Haven Kimmel

Energy is what I believe all of us are. We're just conscious awareness dancing for itself for no other reason but to stay amused. — Jim Carrey

I only get unusual ailments. — Jimmy Kimmel

If I have one criticism of the other late-night shows, it's that they're almost entirely scripted. — Jimmy Kimmel

Ironically, survey after survey shows that married men are happier and healthier than unmarried men. Oh, and they also have more sex. — Michael Kimmel

And then there were men who were violently afraid of losing to a woman, the scariest men in the world. They become dictators, heads of state, bureaucrats, men with deadly weapons, they were everywhere. Sometimes she could pick one out with a look, but they were often charming, they had to have the power to attract in order to dominate. — Haven Kimmel

Because around a crisis point, even the tiniest action can assume importance all out of proportion to its size. Consequences multiply and cascade, and anything - a missed telephone call, a match struck during a blackout, a dropped piece of paper, a single moment - can have empire-tottering effects. The Archduke Ferdinand's chauffeur makes a wrong turn onto Franz-Josef Street and starts a world war. Abraham Lincoln's bodyguard steps outside for a smoke and destroys a peace. Hitler leaves orders not to be disturbed because he has a migraine and finds out about the D-Day invasion eighteen hours too late. A lieutenant fails to mark a telegram "urgent" and Admiral Kimmel isn't warned of the impending Japanese attack. "For want of a nail, the shoe was lost. For want of a shoe, the horse was lost. For want of a horse, the rider was lost. — Connie Willis

Honestly, a lot of the human etiquette I learned in life I learned from, like, thank-you notes and dating Jimmy Kimmel. — Roseanne Barr

How is it possible, she thought, that a person can drive a thinking, feeling, animal to slaughter and not become less than an animal himself? — Haven Kimmel

Contrary to popular opinion, my dad was not a lazy man. He was not lazy at all, for instance, when it came to Going Places In His Truck. He was also very industrious about Preparing To Go Camping. And if something really interested him, he would work on it all day. — Haven Kimmel

He sang like an angel, he was faithful to God and he waited honorably
for the wife he believed God chose for him. He made two daughters who
shone like mirrors in the direct sun; he blazed his path with a scythe
and his broad shoulders, and he was who he chose to be, which is the
hardest and bravest thing a man can do. He looked at us, his parents,
his sisters, his whole crooked family, and he flexed his jaw muscles,
packed up his truck, and drove away. — Haven Kimmel

White men in Europe and the US are the beneficiaries of the single greatest affirmative action program in the history of the world; it is called the history of the world. — Michael Kimmel

But I think that what you'll discover more and more as you get older is that most people aren't thinking about you at all. — Haven Kimmel

Since we were only going to the best place on the Earth, where every single minute of every day was different and filled with promise, what the heck difference did it make what we were gonna do — Haven Kimmel

It was just your life. You were just living your life. — Haven Kimmel

I can't be as flip as I once was. — Jimmy Kimmel