Janet Evanovich Grandma Mazur Quotes & Sayings

Ranger is an unusual name," she managed. "Is it a nickname?"
It's a street name," Ranger said. "I was a Ranger in the army."
I heard about them Rangers on TV," Grandma said. "I heard they get dogs pregnant."
My father's mouth dropped open and a piece of ham fell out.
My mother froze, her fork poised in midair.
That's sort of a joke," I told Grandma. "Rangers don't get dogs pregnant in real life."
I looked at Ranger for corroboration and got another smile. — Janet Evanovich

I went to the beauty salon today and got spruced up," Grandma said. "Ever since Mildred Frick called me a slut my phone hasn't stopped ringing. I got two dates for the weekend."
"It might not be such a good thing to have men calling you because they think you're a slut," I said. "They're only going to be after one thing."
"I hope that's true. I don't want to find out I went blond and bought all them thongs for nothing. — Janet Evanovich

That shooting gave me an appetite," she said. "Somebody pass
me the potatoes."
Grandma Mazur — Janet Evanovich

Grandma has a .45 long barrel that she keeps hidden from my mother. She got it from her friend Elsie, who picked it up at a yard sale. Probably it was in Grandma's purse. Grandma says it gives the bag some heft, in case she has to beat off a mugger. This might be true, but I think mostly Grandma likes pretending she is Clint Eastwood. — Janet Evanovich

Well that's disappointing," Grandma Mazur said. "I expected something better from her. — Janet Evanovich

I heard about them Rangers on TV," Grandma said. "I heard they get dogs pregnant." -Grandma Mazur — Janet Evanovich

When Grandma Mazur is talking about the reason for the improved play of her 91-year-old bowling teammate, she said:
She's doing better now that we got her the longer tubing to her oxygen tank. — Janet Evanovich

Will you look at this," Grandma said. "Closed casket. Isn't this a fine howdy-do. I get dressed up and come out to pay my respects, and I don't even get to see anything."
Martha Deeter was shot and autopsied. They'd taken her brain out to get weighed. After she was put back together she probably looked like Frankenstein. I was personally relieved to see a closed casket. — Janet Evanovich

Grandma Mazur reads the obituary columns like they're part of the paper's entertainment section. Other communities have country clubs and fraternal orders. The Burg has funeral parlors. If people stopped dying, the social life of the Burg would come to a grinding halt. — Janet Evanovich

The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma's crotch, and snuffled.
Dang," Grandma said. "Guess my new perfume really works. I'm gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting. — Janet Evanovich

If I let her in I'm doomed. It's like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you've invite them in, that's it, you're good as dead! — Janet Evanovich

Grandma Mazur stood two feet back from my mother. "I gotta get me a pair if those," she said, eyeballing my shorts. "I've still got pretty good legs, you know." She raised her skirt and looked down at her knees. "What do you think? You think I'd look good in them biker things?" Grandma Mazur had knees like doorknobs. — Janet Evanovich

We better hurry," Grandma said. "I don't want to be late for the viewing. I want to get a good seat right up front, and there'll probably be a crowd, being that the deceased was shot. You know how some people are nosy about that sort of thing."
There was silence at the table, no one daring to make a comment.
"Well, I guess I might be a little nosy," Grandma finally said. — Janet Evanovich

I shot that sucker right in the gumpy.
Grandma Mazur — Janet Evanovich

I met a real looker. He picked me up at the two dollar slot machines, so you know he's no cheapskate.
Grandma Mazur — Janet Evanovich

You sure you don't want to go?" Grandma Mazur asked my mother.
"I didn't know Moogey Bues," my mother told her. "I've got better things to do than to go to a viewing of a perfect stranger."
"I wouldn't go either," Grandma Mazur said, "but I'm helping Stephanie with this here manhunt. Maybe Kenny Mancuso will show up, and Stephanie will need some extra muscle. I was watching Television, and I saw how you stick your fingers in a person's eyes to slow them down."
"She's your responsibility," my mother said to me. "She sticks her fingers in anybody's eyes I'm holding you accountable. — Janet Evanovich

[Stephanie Plum]Jeez. No True Love
[Grandma Mazur] There's always been true love, but in my day, you either talked yourself into thinking you had it, or you talked yourself into thinking you didn't need it. — Janet Evanovich

Grandma was wearing a blond Marilyn Monroe wig, a hot pink tank top, black Pilates pants, and black kitten heels. She looked like the senior version of an inflatable sex toy doll that needed more air. — Janet Evanovich

Maybe it was me," Grandma said."Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart? — Janet Evanovich

I was watching television and I saw how you stick your fingers in a person's eyes to slow them down.
Grandma Mazur — Janet Evanovich

Damn, I thought everyone carried a gun in New Jersey!!! — Janet Evanovich