Humorous God Quotes & Sayings

"Father Peregrine, won't you ever be serious?"

"Not until the good Lord is. Oh, don't look so terribly shocked, please. The Lord is not serious. In fact, it is a little hard to know just what else He is except loving. And love has to do with humor, doesn't it? For you cannot love someone unless you put up with him, can you? And you cannot put up with someone constantly unless you can laugh at him. Isn't that true? And certainly we are ridiculous little animals wallowing in the fudge bowl, and God must love us all the more because we appeal to His humor."

"I never thought of God as humorous," said Father Stone.

"The Creator of the platypus, the camel, the ostrich, and man?" Oh, come now!" Father Peregrine laughed.

Ray Bradbury, The Illustrated Man — Ray Bradury

If god is dead, who's going to fix this mess? — Satoshi Kon

Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. — Miguel De Cervantes

Try picking on someone who can handle you, you worthless little limp dick of a shit." In retrospect I could have picked my taunts a little better. Obviously, the Horned God was very sensitive about his equipment. — K.H. Koehler

Though she doesn't remember any trauma, she said that her parents told her she cried on a daily basis and her grandmother resorted to passing out candy so the kids would play with her. Though it was a humorous moment, Mila said, "I know, God bless her. She's an amazing, amazing woman." — Mila Kunis

I worried about playing God (in the movie Oh God). We're about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods. — George Burns

I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with. — P. J. O'Rourke

Why go to a church to worship God? A church is man made. God never said, "And let there be aluminum siding." Climbing a tree to talk to God sounds like a better idea since only God can make a tree. And if that tree's on a golf course, all the better. — Tim Allen

Then Job fell to his knees and cried to the Lord, "Thine is the kingdom and the power and glory. Thou hast a good job. Don't blow it." — Woody Allen

My toes are a total wreck, my fingernails worse, and god knows my hair could use a registered nurse. — Jack Bunbury

The concept of marketing is almost as old as humanity itself ... suffice it to say here that it took almost no time for a wily serpent to sell Adam and Eve on a shiny apple from the Tree of Knowledge, at which point they became not only the first humans but also the first marketing demographic, and God expelled them from the Garden of Eden for being total consumerist dupes. (p. 40) — BikeSnobNYC

Why in the name of God do you wear these ugly ass granny panties? I swear it looks like you could parachute from the Dallas Lincoln Plaza with these and have a nice soft landing! Why don't you get on the internet and apply your online shopping skills while purchasing some panties that do not look like they came from your Grans drawer? — Kathryn Perez

The only person who worries about my mother is God, and that's only because she wants His job. — Sue Civil-Brown

If a person wants to be atheistic it's his God-given right to be an atheist. — Mike Patton

I like to think I'm helping them by hating them. I'm reminding them that they aren't God's gift to humankind. — Veronica Roth

The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg. — Abraham Maslow

It's not a remarkable note except for one thing. The typeface Tony used to print it is the exact typeface Kubrick used for the posters and title sequences of 'Eyes Wide Shut' and '2001'.
'It's Futura Extra Bold,' explains Tony. 'It was Stanley's favorite typeface. It's sans serif. He liked Helvetica and Univers too. Clean and elegant.'
'Is this the kind of thing you and Kubrick used to talk about?' I asked.
'God, yes,' says Tony. 'Sometimes late into the night. I was always trying to persuade him to turn away from them. But he was wedded to his sans serifs. — Jon Ronson

I may not be perfect, but God knows I'm trying ... and God knowing should count for something. — Karen E. Quinones Miller

For God's sake put on your glasses, Sam. You're staring right at my boobs. — Jillian Eaton

I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.) — Tim Allen

Haven't you got anything humorous that stays away from waters and valleys and God? I'd like to keep away from the subject of religion altogether if we can."
The chaplain was apologetic. "I'm sorry, sir, but just about all the prayers I know are rather somber in tone and make at least some passing reference to God. — Joseph Heller

He (Lincoln) differed from fanatical moralists primarily in that he was always perplexed. No sooner did he believe he was doing God's will that he began to admit that God's purposes might be different from his own. In short, he never forgot the men's contrast between the absolute goodness of God and the faltering goodness of all who are in the finite predicament. — Elton Trueblood

God has given you the same brain, so use your own in stead of borrowing ideas from somebody else. Think about and fathom the ideas before following them. — Raj Singh

To God I speak Spanish, to women Italian, to men French, and to my horse - German. — Emperor Charles V

Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent ... he's not rich enough to be a Republican. — Bob Hope

Humorists are not humorous twenty-four hours a day. In fact, when you get to know them well, they are often not humorous at all. They tend to be hypersensitive, taut, neurotic creatures driven by God know what obscure compulsion to earn their living the hard way. — Margaret Halsey

A God who cannot smile, could not have created this humorous universe. — Sri Aurobindo

Thank God it wasn't beef jerky, or I might've ended up dead."

"The President's Neighbor" a comedy script by Brett Bacon. — Brett Bacon

The sky was so clear that the starlight cast shadows, and so many sparkles and glitters and glints appeared above us that it looked like something really expensive had been dropped and shattered in heaven - God's Steuben ashtray, maybe. — P. J. O'Rourke

Oh golly, Brer Fox, your forthright assertion - that evolutionary biology disproves the idea of a creator God - jeopardises the teaching of biology in science class, since teaching that would violate the separation of church and state!' Right. You also ought to soft-pedal physiology, since it declares virgin birth impossible — Richard Dawkins

God made him, and therefore let him pass for a man. — William Shakespeare

I like to think 'The God Delusion' is a humorous book. I think, actually, it's full of laughs. And people who describe it as a polarizing book or as an aggressive book, it's just that very often they haven't read it. — Richard Dawkins

After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't." — Bill Cosby

It was as if God himself saw that my intention was to make my outer self match my inner fabulosity and didn't think the world could handle such an explosion of amazingness. So instead of letting me get to the gym where I would have transformed myself into a walking sex god, he created a Dunkin' Donuts out of nothing and then gave them away for free. I didn't make it to the gym. I had a bear claw instead. And a maple bar. And some donut holes. And then some more donut holes. — T.J. Klune

If God gave Abraham a ram to prevent his slaying Isaac, He might stick a donkey in the bush for me to ride up this infernal mountainside."
~ Grace Madison, PhD. — N.L.B. Horton

Do you know why Satan is so angry all the time? Because whenever he works a particularly clever bit of mischief God uses it to serve his own Rigteous purposes."
"So God uses wicked people as his tools?"
"God gives us the freedom to to do great evil, if we choose, then He uses his own freedom to create goodness out of that evil, for that is what He chooses."
"So, in the long run, God always wins?"
"Yes, in the short run though it can be uncomfortable. — Orson Scott Card

McG: 11:39 PM: Tease. A: Bushy prehistoric looking veggies frighten me.
Lilliana: 11:41 PM: WTH are we talking about here?
McG: 11:42 PM: Fucking auto correct. VAGINAS! Bushy vaginas put the fear of God in me. Seriously, Lilly, if you've got one, groom that shit unless you want to see a grown alpha male curl into the fetal position and cry. It won't be pretty. Just sayin — Ella Dominguez

I like the way Chee kept God magical, sorta like Santa Claus when you're a kid. More priests should take this approach, because there is a frickin' reason why Santa Claus is more popular than Jesus nowadays. — Matthew Quick

If you've never been in a men's room, and have only set foot in the ladies' room at most fine (and not so fine) establishments, you need to know this: store owners hate men. No, really - this is the one area where women get treated better. We may earn seventy-seven cents on the dollar compared to men, but, by God, our public bathrooms don't look like something out of a Soviet-era prison. Or worse - a Sochi hotel during the Olympics. — Julia Kent

Israelis keep teaching you your own business. God knows everything but the Israelis know everything better. — George Mikes

When I was young, I believed God was a woman because I couldn't come up with any other explanation as to why the universe was so tidy. — Matshona Dhliwayo

You wonder if God doesn't have an answering machine to screen out the prayers of the venal and the boring? And in which category has he placed you? — Tom Robbins

It's a humorous statement that doesn't mean anything. You can't lie to God - it's ridiculous. — Jimmy Swaggart

Randy and I were goggle-eyed as we gazed over the wonders of what Walt Disney had wrought. It was a magnificent demonstration of what God could do if He had more imagination. — Jack Paar

The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service. — Dave Barry

Oh God, my stomach must have won a medal- it's doing a lap of honour now. — Ali McNamara

I am (thank God!) constitutionally superior to reason. — Wilkie Collins

Oh, dear God!" Janice bellowed and looked as though her neck was made of rubber as her head wobbled back and forth. Lou set the book back on the credenza as Janice stormed out. "Ashton, I'm sorry you had to witness that. As you well know, Mom has never been a pleasant woman. Since coming to live here, she's been a nightmare on two legs. I've had her head examined, and there's no tumor or disease to explain her behavior. The neurologist and our family doctor have simply diagnosed her as a chronic jackass. — Robin Alexander

Oh my God, is it a bear?"
Ian's yell from across the camp made Snow stop. Then he choked as laughter spilled from his throat.
"It's not a bear, Ian," Rowe yelled. "It's just Snow. Gettin' some. — Jocelynn Drake

Oh my God! You little slut! You want to have a good date with him and want to have ten thousand of his little baseball babies! Cassie!!! — J. Sterling

A great mission by a great woman. — Lailah Gifty Akita

God doesn't send atheists to Hell
there's no room with all the Christians down there. — Quentin R. Bufogle

The ark was like a portable computer hard drive and Noah was a one-man Geek Squad, and he dumped God's most important files onto it before he zorched the virus-ridden computer that was the world. — BikeSnobNYC

I never thought of God as humorous," said Father Stone. "The Creator of the platypus, the camel, the ostrich, and man? Oh, come now! — Ray Bradbury

You think you have a handle on God, the Universe, and the Great White Light until you go home for Thanksgiving. In an hour, you realize how far you've got to go and who is the real turkey. — Shirley Maclaine

He shifted his attention back to me and leaned in closer. "I told you to behave. I don't want to have to arrest you ever again."
"Um ... okay."
I felt him slide something under my hand. He leaned in even closer, his mouth by my ear, and whispered, "Although I wouldn't mind handcuffing you."
Oh. My. God. — Robyn Peterman

But how do we know it's really you? I mean, I could put a saucepan on my head and call myself the God of Boiled Dumplings; wouldn't mean I was telling the truth. — K.J. Parker

That widow's peak is preposterous. God. It really makes you feel the sad dearth of widow's peaks in daily life. We could, like, use him as breeding stock to seed widow's peaks into the populace.""My god. What's with all the mating and seed talk?""I'm just saying," Zuzana said reasonably. "I'm crazy about Mik, okay, but that doesn't mean I can't do my part for the proliferation of widow's peaks. As a favor to the gene pool. You would, too, right? Or maybe ... " She shot Karou a sidelong glance. "You already have? — Laini Taylor

But as his father used to say when he had a few drinks taken, you couldn't expect bloody miracles when you were talking about God. — Joseph O'Connor

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it? — George Carlin

Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are God's jokes. — Mark Twain

Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity. — Dave Barry

The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight. — Erma Bombeck

She needed help, but God was in a meeting whenever she rang. — Tom Robbins

Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalogue. — Woody Allen

Oh, my God," I whispered. "But how did they get my photo?
Alex tapped his mouth with his thumb. "That ... book with everyone's picture in it, that you have in high school."
"Yearbook," I said. Was he trying to be funny? But of course he was right; that's exactly where it was from. — L.A. Weatherly

One cannot live on cock alone," Etienne called out as he left the stable. "God knows I've tried! — Rosemary O'Malley

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. — Rita Rudner

Wisdom of the Ages: "The Nativity" The Son of God was born in a manger-not surprising, have you seen the prices of hotel rooms in Bethlehem? Oy Vay! Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah Peace! — Matthew D. Heines

Nothing like a little chest pain to restore your faith. — Ray Romano

The cup flew out of my hands and my God was it beautiful. I wish the Planet Earth video crew were there to film it at 100 frames per second so that we could watch it again at super slow motion in all of it's glory. — David Bowick

... With a slight miscalculated leap cleared to the iron picket fence. Put the fear of God into me, picket fences and balls don't mix. — J.P. Donleavy

I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshiped a God named Sashatiba, who had five eyes, including one on the Adam's apple. — David Sedaris

If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic. — Woody Allen

Damn, Marcus, how much have you been working out? You have the ass of a god.
He turned to face her, and naturally her gaze fell to his jewels. She shook her head and sighed. You warriors are so fucking hung and I really do need a man. — Caris Roane

Some people react to suffering by denying the very possibility of God's existence — Michael Ots

There is no god but Road Runner and Chuck Jones is his prophet. — John Steiner

Well," he said. "I hope to God I never make forty
I wouldn't know what to do with myself. — Hunter S. Thompson