Humor Quotes Quotes & Sayings

My favorite quote in the world is this one. — Richelle E. Goodrich

I wasn't a class clown, because nuns have no sense of humor. They have rulers. — Dan Alatorre

To cry in the memory of someone is not a problem at all rather it is a solution". — Nitin Yaduvanshi

Graduating from the School of Hard Knocks doesn't always get you to Fort Knox. — Edward Harris

Butt holes are like a one-way street; they were made the way they were for a reason. — Nenia Campbell

Don't let somebody steals your quotes ! — Achmad Hidayat

Suddenly, the double doors of the parlor whooshed open. A large fleshy woman stood before me in full regalia. Her eyes were all made up, earrings and bracelets jangling. The sign in the window said Miss Sadie was a medium. From the look of her, I'd say that was a bit wishful. — Clare Vanderpool

My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted. — Stewart Lee Beck

Soccer forces life to move on. There's always a new match. A new season. There's always a dream that everything can get better. It's a game of wonders. — Fredrik Backman

He was stretched out like he was her own personal playground and she wanted to ride on his equipment for a bit longer. — Amy Andrews

Prepare for a radio, for nothing is silent like the grave — Bangambiki Habyarimana

Eventually, Krysomallos would be skinned for his fleece, which became known as the Golden Fleece, which means I am related to a sheepskin rug.
This is why you don't want to think too hard about who you're related to in the Greek myths. It'll drive you crazy. — Rick Riordan

That was some branch. Did it have a vendetta against your t-shirt?"
"Guess so."
"I hope you showed it who is boss."
"Yeah, I peed on it. — Stacey Marie Brown

Not that it isn't great to see you. But it's not so great for you. What'd you do wrong? Laugh at his dick? — Margaret Atwood

The other shoppers were too well behaved to stare at the green-headed stoner and the tear-streaked lady zigzagging up the aisles with a chubby bearded guy scurrying behind them picking up the things they dropped. — Amy Goldman Koss

Groupies will give you Chlamydia, Edward."
"Right, Virg. Groupies throw underwear on stage. They don't throw flowers. — Andrew Barger

You know you've officially hit a midlife crisis when you finally start feeling like you have your life together and your body starts falling apart! — Tanya Masse

In the middle of all the ordinary--something extraordinary shows up. — KariAnne Wood

I hung up the phone and tapped it lightly against my chin, then wrapped myself tighter in my giant woolen cardigan and poured another glass of boxed wine - the official drink of emotionally confused women on a budget. — Heather Cocks

Oh no?" he sneered, pulling a packet of cigarettes from his pocket and lighting one up. "Knowing what you're like, the slightest sign of a discarded cigarette butt and you would've been crawling around on your hands and knees trying to figure out how tall the smoker was, how old he was, what zodiac sign he was, whether he'd taken a crap that morning, and Christ knows what else. — Tim O'Rourke

Salman Rushdie said, "A book is a version of the world. If you do not like it, ignore it; or offer your own version in return."
So if someone tells me I've written something that's historically inaccurate, I can just tell them, "Salman Rushdie said I could." — Veronica Bale

You've got an awfully kissable mouth. — F Scott Fitzgerald

Women are heavyweight boxers; only, they punch with words, not fists. — Matshona Dhliwayo

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong. — Terry Pratchett

If You Lose Your Keys, At Least It's Better Than Losing Your Car. — Edward Harris

Cael, come on. Stop licking the dude. That's gross."

Letty let out a snort. "Please, like you don't lick dudes."

"That's different," Dex explained with a grimace. "None of those dudes were Ash. Besides, last time I checked, Ash was allergic to nuts. — Charlie Cochet

Focus on the POSITIVE
Recognize the BLESSINGS
Find the HUMOR
Hope for the BEST
&
Brace yourself for the worst. — Tanya Masse

I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before. — Stewart Lee Beck

Well, I did tell you I couldn't give you a thing. Maybe you've just realised that Alistair can give the god damn world, and the pleasure of kissing his shiny slap-head every day! — LeeAnn Whitaker

He hadn't struck her as particularly religious unless she counted the number of times he'd called out to Jesus when he'd been deep inside her. — Amy Andrews

You can never fully trust the validity of quotes on the internet. — Abraham Lincoln

Twitter has the sustained ability to not get all touchy when I forget to "favorite" and thus had me at the first entirely inappropriate tweet flung my way. — Jennifer Harrison

Scusi mia bella*, but it runs in the blood of all Italians to be skillful lovers. So you have to get used to this. — Olga Goa

I have no flaws, I'm perfect at being imperfect. — Krystyna Faroe

The morning slathers its whatever
across the thing. — Michael Robbins

You're fucking kidding me, right?"
"I don't kid about fucking. — Stacey Marie Brown

The old Janey only drank cheap wine and light beer. The new Janey is classy, prefers cocktails, and even drinks alone. — J.C. Patrick

Don't be shy, dear. I'm too old for you to be embarrassed by me. — Olga Goa

Writers don't get mad they get even in their novels. — Candace C. Bowen

Awesome ... " Jared spoke up from the other side of the room. "Ember, the Otherworld's wonder mutt. — Stacey Marie Brown

To err is human, to purr is feline. — Robert Byrne

What's that around your neck?" asked Emily.
"It's a golden star." Said Reed.
"What did you get it for?"
"Chemistry class."
"What's the star for?" the shadow asked, Usually stars represent a straight A student.
"You get it for having greatness. But Emily doesn't know what that is." He said, answering the shadows question and looking at Emily.
"Greatness, what's greatness?" Emily asked, all wide eyed, and clueless looking
"It's when you do really awesome stuff, and people recognize you for it."
"Oh, no" Emily laughed ."No, I don't know what that is. — Rumi Antoinette

Observation:

Thanks to technological advances, avid readers seem to be replacing DTBAD (Dead Tree Book Acquisition Disorder) with an alphabet soup of more more modern-day hoarding behaviors: EBAD (E-Book Acquistion Disorder), EGAD (Electronic Gadget Acquisition Disorder), and ABAD (Audiobook Acquisition Disorder). Of course, there's also MYBAD (Movie and YouTube Acquisition Disorder: the hoarding or obsessive viewing of digital films and videos, some based on books). If any of these syndromes describes you, take heart: there's probably an app for that! - 8/9/2013 — Lisa Tolliver

Today I feel like I did tomorrow. — Carroll Bryant

Ask Gandhi, and eye for an eye makes us both blind ... ask an engineer, and the numbers don't lie - the first to strike wins. — Steven Ivy Attorney Entrepreneur

Do they always flirt with biblical quotes?" Asil asked Tad.
In long-suffering tones, Tad said, "They can flirt with the periodic table or a restaurant menu. We've learned to live with it. Get a room you guys. — Patricia Briggs

I may not always be right, but I'm never wrong. — Max Cummings

Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads? — The Covert Comic

An ignorant man who is regarded as knowledgeable by people who are more ignorant than him is still ignorant. — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Forget everything that surrounds you. Think that there's just you and me in this wide world. — Olga Goa

Vomit and shit, even your own, stink. — Sheeja Jose

He threw his hands to his eyes and hissed. Like the hiss of incinerating ashes. 'What is this bright, orange orb in the sky that mocks me with its warmth? — Jesikah Sundin

The Statue of Liberty's got this invitation: 'Give me your tired, your poor, your reeking homeless
'
'Huddled masses,' said Ira. 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.'
...
Okay, fine. So like everybody in the old countries says, 'Hey, I'm a huddled mass,' and they all wanna come over. — Neal Shusterman

Is this about what happened to you and the old Sector 7?" I asked with a growl of my own.
His hands tightened their grip on my shoulders. "How did you know about that?"
"Tabby-Chan told me."
"Freaking Meko-Chan," Kuroi uttered, "I swear, that kid is gonna get it. What did she tell you, exactly?"
"She told me not to tell you that she told me what you told her." I realized what I said. "Oops."

~Luna's POV, Clash of the Clans: Shinobi 7 Companion Book #1 — L. Benitez

I'm not sexist, I'd f**k both sexes equally if I was gay - John Blu — David Gallie

Facebook is big. Bigger than Justin Bieber or Ashton Kutcher's Twitter following. Hell, it's even bigger than obesity and possibly just as lethal! — Gemini Adams

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. — Demetri Martin

I will always choose to be an imbecile. I couldn't cut it as an old fashion, and dry gal. — Mary Sage Nguyen

His son Peter Bucky happily spent time driving Einstein around, and he later wrote down some of his recollections in extensive notebooks. They provide a delightful picture of the mildly eccentric but deeply un-affected Einstein in his later years. Peter tells, for example, of driving in his convertible with Einstein when it suddenly started to rain. Einstein pulled off his hat and put it under his coat. When Peter looked quizzical, Einstein explained: "You see, my hair has withstood water many times before, but I don't know how many times my hat can. — Walter Isaacson

I know words. I have the best words. — Donald J. Trump

... The Book is more important than your plans for it. You have to go with what works for The Book ~ if your ideas appear hollow or forced when they are put on paper, chop them, erase them, pulverise them and start again. Don't whine when things are not going your way, because they are going the right way for The Book, which is more important. The show must go on, and so must The Book. — E.A. Bucchianeri

And you haven't got a 'pause' button, have you? You are just uncontrollable! — Olga Goa

Forgive my brother," Camira apologized. "We don't normally let him out of his cage when guests are present. — Brandon Mull

He was my age and in my imagination he was a fireman, not the kind that actually fights fires but the kind who travels the country shirtless posing for calendars. — Marika Christian

While I still did not know what self- actualization that sat on the top level of the pyramid meant, I could believe
that if I knew I would be able to say something positive about it as well in
my life. — Vann Chow

In my experience, the romance novels written about BDSM have about as much in common with actual BDSM relationships as a child playing with a jump rope. — Nenia Campbell

It's early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I'm thankful. I'm happy. My cup runneth over. Now there's coffee everywhere. — Mindy Levy

There is nothing wrong with feeling cold in Alaska at -70 degrees. It's when you feel nothing at all that it times to panic — Sergeant Major

Sometimes being a MOM is like a good
ol' country song! You lose your sleep, you lose your hair, you lose your patience, you lose your energy, you lose your memory AND you lose your SANITY! But you DO IT all for LOVE! — Tanya Masse

So this is what men are like. Well, that's it, then - I am going to be a lesbian. — Louise Rennison

I cannot believe that you're still a girl. Your kisses don't seem that innocent. They are driving me crazy. — Olga Goa

Wait, how do most people make friends? I've only done it once. There has to be an easier way of going abouit it than getting thrown around and bleeding all over the place. But both of us went through that. So maybe...

Nosebleeds = Friendship Maybe friends are drawn to bloodsheed. You know. Like sharks. — Leah Thomas

Ish #21 Stop saying the only meat you eat is chicken. It's still meat! — Regina Griffin

She's dumber than a box of hair. — Bink Cummings

Instead of hopping around like a wild in'jun on fire, try counting from 10 backwards while hopping on one foot. — R. Alan Woods

We can never skip growing old. As we grow older, we understand old things and things of old times better! — Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

If I could bottle kindness, I wonder if formaldehyde would preserve it. — Amanda Mosher

Prickly
When I'm feeling
porcupine-y,
I get nasty,
I get whiny.
Stay away or
I might stick you.
My sharp words are
quills to prick you. — Laura Purdie Salas

All right, I'll wait another two thousand years to make jokes about my evilness. — Tui T. Sutherland

Not everyone can look past an insult and continue to work with the person who slights them — Jean Johnson

I'm giving pleasure to you. Don't interfere. — Olga Goa

People who live in brick houses shouldn't throw wrecking balls — Josh Stern

Better days are coming! They're called Saturday and Sunday. — Karen Salmansohn

We drink to those who love us, we drink to those who don't. We drink to those who fuck us, and fuck those who don't! — Tamsyn Bester

He who loves lies suffers from no disease than lies! He who believes in and acts upon lies suffers from no disease than ignorance! — Ernest Agyemang Yeboah

He said he loves her more because she makes him smile. Fine! I'll give him the Glasgow smile. Beat that, bitch! — Natalya Vorobyova

I grew up once, I decided never to do it again — Benny Bellamacina

Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch. — Lili St. Crow

I hate when I'm not done with my cup but my mom decides to put it in the dishwasher anyway and the cup isn't dishwasher safe. I keep telling my mom that my origami coffee mugs are hand wash ONLY. Handshakes are also hand wash only.
-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz — Karen Quan

You're very naive and innocent, and don't understand a lot of things yet. — Olga Goa

Thus, hanging around in our towels (and those weird disposable underpants) was no big deal. — Ann Benjamin

I mean, I can understand not being as pricey as Percy or Jason, maybe ... but am I worth, like, two Franks, or three Franks? — Rick Riordan

It's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum! We made it to Hollywood, time to give these aliens the golden boot!" - Angel from the Thousand Years War — Angel Ramon Medina

You know it's the 21st Century when someone TEXTS you from the washroom to ask you to bring them a roll of toilet paper. — Tanya Masse

I'm quite certain that if I lost my sense of humor, it would most definitely need to be replaced by a padded cell. — Tanya Masse

As I pressed the doorbell button it popped off the wall and hung by two colored cords. Obviously it didn't work, so I knocked. — Elle Klass

Only you can change yourself, no one else can. — Thabang Gideon Magaola

Wine is to women as duct tape is to men, it fixes EVERYTHING! — Tanya Masse

I know when people think of New York, they think of theater, restaurants, cultural landmarks and shopping," I told him. "But beyond the iconic skyline and the news from Wall Street, New York is a collection of villages. In our neighborhoods, we attend school, play Kick the Can, handball and ride our bikes. I grew up knowing the names and faces of the baker, the shoe repair family, the Knish man and the Good Humor man who sold me and the other kids in my neighborhood half a popsicle for a nickel. My father took me to the playground where he pushed me on the swing, helped balance me on the seesaw and watched as I hung upside down by my feet on the monkey bars. Yes," I told the interviewer, "people actually grow up in New York. — Gina Greenlee

If you were three times poor, I would still have paid attention to you and fell head over heels in love with you. — Olga Goa