Handler Quotes & Sayings

Repetitive, forceful corrections had taught this gentle dog that at a specific spot the handler would always yank the lead. Thus, each time the Newf arrived at that point, she'd freeze for a beat and close her eyes in anticipation of the impending blow. This caused her to lag, which led to another correction, which resulted in more lagging, another correction, ad infinitum.
It was a classic example of canine learned helplessness, whereby a dog learns to accept abuse as a natural, inevitable consequence of living with humans. Repeated corrections had only frightened and confused the animal, and she was trying to protect herself in the only way she knew how. — Joel M. McMains

You can act, or you can't. I'm sure a lot of people who are serious about acting would disagree, but I'm not really worried about them. — Chelsea Handler

I'd like to go out for a cocktail ... or seven. — Chelsea Handler

Everyone was right about you- prove them wrong. — Daniel Handler

Phil Needle stood in the parking lot, suddenly grasping that this was so, that nothing is lost in a world utterly mapped, that nothing is rogue with everything cross-pollinated, as the shouts on the beach lured him across the street to the sand. — Daniel Handler

I try to make fun of everyone as often as possible, especially minorities. — Chelsea Handler

I think the people in your life are the people that - when you can make other people happy and you can give things to your family and your friends, you know, that's really obviously what life is all about. But it doesn't have to be children. It doesn't have to be a husband. It can be whatever you make it. — Chelsea Handler

A girl meets a boy, Ed, and everything changes, or so she says. — Daniel Handler

A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time. — Chelsea Handler

Love can smack you like a seagull, and pour all over your feet like junk mail. — Daniel Handler

A newspaper, as I'm sure you know, is a collection of supposedly true stories written down by writers who either saw them happen or talked to people who did. These writers are called journalists, and like telephone operators, butchers, ballerinas, and people who clean up after horses, journalists can sometimes make mistakes. — Daniel Handler

After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It's a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating. — Chelsea Handler

Instead of having a baby, why dont you get a tattoo of a baby first, and see how that works out for six months to a year, and then see if you're ready to have a baby. — Chelsea Handler

You'd think that sweet would be a land far, far away from irritating, but as it turns out they're right next door, and always having border disputes. — Daniel Handler

We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home. — Chelsea Handler

Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh. — Chelsea Handler

You're a ghost! Eddie cried. You're empty and you have nothing inside you. — Daniel Handler

I thought maybe she was trying to be funny but then realized this was impossible to do without a sense of humor. — Chelsea Handler

It looks like two alpacas fucking, mostly," he said apologetically. "Of course, sometimes, the boy can't get his boy parts past the girl's furry ass, and he needs a little help, so then it looks like two alpacas fucking while their handler's giving the one on top a handjob. — Amy Lane

I was not a particularly brave child, I think, because I had a narrative mind, because my mind automatically went to any terrible thing that could happen. — Daniel Handler

Any playlist without Prince is no friend of mine. — Daniel Handler

Everybody has a theory. — Daniel Handler

You only love once and and then maybe not again. Not on a day like this. The rain, the rain, the rain. — Daniel Handler

Maybe, generations ago, young people rebelled out of some clear motive, but now, we know we're rebelling. Between teen movies and sex-ed textbooks we're so ready for our rebellious phase we can't help but feel it's safe, contained. It will turn out all right, despite the risk, snug in the shell of rebellion narrative. Rebellion narrative, does that make sense? It was appropriate to do, so we did it. — Daniel Handler

There's not enough ink and paper to say all I wanted. — Daniel Handler

Occasionally there are parents who say, "I brought my child so he or she could learn what the career of a writer is like, and you did this long theatrical performance instead, and I'm very disappointed." — Daniel Handler

Hilarious, insightful, and smart. A must-read for anyone who wears clothes. — Chelsea Handler

My father has a high opinion of his opinion — Chelsea Handler

There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose.
I also feel it is important to have sex soon after meeting someone in order to find out if you have sexual chemistry together. Otherwise, you could wait two to three months after you start dating someone only to discover that your new boyfriend is bad in bed, or even worse, is into anal beads and duct tape. — Chelsea Handler

I'm not a romantic, I'm a half-wit. Only stupid people would think I'm smart. I'm not something anyone should know. I'm a lunatic wandering around for scraps, I'm like every single miserable moron I've scorned and pretended I didn't recognize. I'm all of them, every last ugly thing in a bad last-minute costume. I'm not different, not at all, not different from any other speck of a thing. I'm a blemished blemish, a ruined ruin, a stained wreck so failed I can't see what I used to be. — Daniel Handler

I don't like people who drink decaf coffee it's like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That's like drinking non alcoholic vodka. — Chelsea Handler

I once waited on a group of 10 people, and one guy collected the money from the check and tipped me $20 on $600. I told him in front of everyone, 'Jews like you give Jews like me a bad name.' That was my last waitressing job. — Chelsea Handler

If you wait too long in Vegas, you end up with a chicken finger in your underwear. — Chelsea Handler

I'll tell you what can make bacon better ... nothing. — Chelsea Handler

I always think it's silly when people talk about works of culture taking risks. Because there's not any risk involved. — Daniel Handler

The rinsed foam swirled into one drain that always clogged come October when the maples dropped Canadian propaganda over everything. — Daniel Handler

You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age ... and you have your own TV show. — Chelsea Handler

I thought the Barbie doll would always be successful. — Ruth Handler

I wanted to be famous. It's embarrassing to admit, but I came out to L.A. thinking it would happen in no time. I thought, 'Once they see me, they'll be so glad I came.' I always had a ridiculous amount of self-confidence about what was going to happen to me. — Chelsea Handler

You just be honest about who you are, and if you dont end up with any friends, then good for you. — Chelsea Handler

I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost. — Chelsea Handler

Don't think about anything for too long. Even if it's off-the-wall, go for it. You'll have a lot more fun in life. — Chelsea Handler

I don't mean to be a racist but if you're going to get raped by a Japanese guy, it's not going to hurt at all. — Chelsea Handler

I was too jitterbuggy happy to sleep, and the whole day kept playing in my brain's little screening room. — Daniel Handler

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor'
always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own. — Chelsea Handler

People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with itch, hunt, & bore. — Chelsea Handler

Can you imagine peaking as a teen? I think if you peak in high school, there's a problem. That's what my sister always said: 'Don't worry, you'll peak later.' — Chelsea Handler

Some people have a phobia of midgets. They're, like, scared of them. I have the opposite - I see them, and I want to hold them down, cuddle them, be like, 'Come here, you little nugget. Who's your mommy now?' So cute! — Chelsea Handler

This whole, crazy fucking business can be reduced to one little word, one word explains it all. I'm going to give you the benefit of my experience and share that word with you, buck. It's revenge.... Them studio execs, agents, producers, they're all sweaty, unpopular, bitter little fucks, and now it's their turn. They get to make all of us golden boys and girls jump through hoops. They decide who's popular and who isn't, who's pretty and who isn't, who gets their phone calls returned and who doesn't. They make us grovel, submit, suck up to them. They're getting back at us, man. It means more to them than the money, the fame, the glamor, having power over guys like me.... It's what they live for. — David Handler

Everywhere I go, people ask me about Jennifer Aniston's wedding. Everywhere I go. I always say to her, I'm like, 'Being friends with you is a burden. You think it's hard to be friends with me?' — Chelsea Handler

Bush's life is that a fundamentally decent man presided over a moment when politics got meaner and rougher. '88 was the year of the handler, of bringing in political consultants who played very hard and very tough'. — Evan Thomas

If you're a member of my family, whether immediate or extended, and you want to see my show, don't. — Chelsea Handler

I've never had a musical career. So I think it's been unaffected. I play the accordion. In terms of thinking of it as a musical career, I think it's sort of like calling yourself an astronaut because you have a shiny suit. — Daniel Handler

She had the look in her eye when you kick and kick at the door and it doesn't open, when you write a boy letters and letters and he never loves you, not 'til the day he dies. Not even then. — Daniel Handler

I don't like to overdose. Call me old-fashioned. — Chelsea Handler

I think there are probably just as many adults who would miss the humor of my books, if not more, as there are children. — Daniel Handler

One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern. — Chelsea Handler

I don't cook ... I don't know how to clean ... there's may be a good chance I'm an alcoholic. — Chelsea Handler

There's nothing more annoying than a man ordering wine at a bar when you're not eating. — Chelsea Handler

I'm always happy to pitch in and do something. Everybody needs to be laughing a little. — Chelsea Handler

I do think about marriage, but it's not the end-all goal. — Chelsea Handler

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people. — Chelsea Handler

I tried to think of a worse experience I had had in my life, and all I could come up with was a James Franco art exhibit. — Chelsea Handler

The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels. — Chelsea Handler

I love you so soundly and I will do anything to drag you forward. — Daniel Handler

You can't mind these things, you just can't, for to dislike what makes a person human is to dislike all humans. — Daniel Handler

You know I want to be a director, but you could never truly see the movies in my head. — Daniel Handler

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there. — Chelsea Handler

My negotiation skills are are on par with George Bush's reading ability. And just like Dubya, every time I've tried to put forth an effort, I am reminded that my only true strength lies in drinking. — Chelsea Handler

People ask me why I'm so hard on men. It's because they've gotten a really easy ride. And it's not that I think women should take over the world. But I do think it should be 50/50. — Chelsea Handler

A lot of amazing comedians that I've worked with just really follow their instincts and you can't really teach someone comedic timing. And you just kind of have it. — Chelsea Handler

Maybe," Gwen said, instead of yes yes yes yes yes yes yes. — Daniel Handler

If I had seen pictures of people eating each other on the wall, I would've told him I was into cannibalism. — Chelsea Handler

Take it back, Ed. Take it all back. — Daniel Handler

Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one. — Chelsea Handler

I never told you that, even after telling you I love you, all those times all that day, I never told you how beautiful it was then, like everyone was telling us not to be. — Daniel Handler

Network TV is so limiting. There are so many parameters. — Chelsea Handler

I think it's important to be involved with charities that don't necessarily reflect what you're dealing with in your life. — Chelsea Handler

The face of an angel, the mind of a devil, and a heart of gold. — Chelsea Handler

I think nudity is funny, especially when it's inappropriate. — Chelsea Handler

Anybody might get drunk at the first intrrview. — Daniel Handler

We are all told to ignore bullies. It's something they teach you, and they can teach you anything. It doesn't mean you learn it. It doesn't mean you believe it. One should never ignore bullies. One should stop them. — Daniel Handler

But there was more, as there always is when the love goes. She was haunted, naturally. Otherwise what is the point, why leave your rickety house, and why this yo-yo world giving us things and yanking them back? — Daniel Handler

I found powerful the idea that everything we have is, in effect, stolen from everybody else. — Daniel Handler

It is often said that reading is a gift, but to my mind that is an insufficient description, for the size of the gift of reading is so vast that it is difficult to see what is outside its wrapping. — Daniel Handler

It's why we broke up, Ed, a small thing that's disappeared or maybe was never really in my hands in the first place. — Daniel Handler

I know you can't see it, not you, Ed, but maybe if I tell you the whole plot you'll understand it this once, because even now I want you to see it. I don't love you anymore, of course I don't, but there's still something I can show you. You know I want to be a director, but you never truly see the movies in my head and that, Ed, is why we broke up. — Daniel Handler

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU — Chelsea Handler

I think if you're gonna do something as silly and lighthearted as entertainment, then why not be interesting when you're doing it? — Chelsea Handler

Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle. — Chelsea Handler

It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. — Chelsea Handler

It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican. — Chelsea Handler

We were greeted by a dark-skinned man who introduced himself as Truth. We introduced ourselves as Honesty, Happiness, Honor, Witness, Serengeti , and Schnitzeldoodle. We didn't find out until later, when we met our tracker called Life, that Truth wasn't joking with us about his name. — Chelsea Handler

Someone can break your heart, leave you dead on the lawn, and still you never learn what to say to stop it all over again. — Daniel Handler

Why are you all buttoned up like that?" Cameron ran his gaze down the blackberry-shaped buttons of her bodice.[ ... ] "You were happy to bare all last night," Cameron said. He let his mallet handler hover an inch from her chest. "Your bodice was down here."
Ainsley cleared her throat. "Low neckline for evening, high for morning."[ ... ]
"This doesn't suit you," Cameron said.
"I can't help the fashion, Lord Cameron."
Cameron poked the top button with his gloved finder. "Undo this."
Ainsley jumped. "What?"
"Unbutton your damned frock."
She nearly choked. "Why?"
"Because I want you to." Cameron's smile spread across his face, slow and sinful, and his voice went low. Dangerous. "Tell me, Mrs. Douglas. How many buttons will you undo for me? — Jennifer Ashley

Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn't be telling their wife about it. — Chelsea Handler

Through their play Barbara imagined their lives as adults. They used the dolls to reflect the adult world around them. They would sit and carry on conversations, making the dolls real people. — Ruth Handler

I could tell the raciest things these women had ever been involved in was a co-ed game of Connect Four. — Chelsea Handler

Dark, light, dark, light, dark-I swung and missed. — Daniel Handler

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them. — Chelsea Handler