Garofalo Quotes & Sayings

I started in the club route. I did the alternative scene later on. When I lived in New York, I did the Luna Lounge and stuff, where Janeane Garofalo and David Cross and all those guys worked out of, but I came from a comedy club background. I'm proud of that background. I'm one of the people that really crossed over and did both. — Nick Swardson

This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy. — Janeane Garofalo

I was a 36C or D, and at 5' 1', I knew that being a small person with big boobs standing in front of an audience was not going to be easy. It would be really hard to get people to pay attention to me without mocking me. Getting a breast reduction to prepare for my career was no different from people who work to get good grades to get into a good college to get into a good graduate school to get a good job. I went down to a B cup, and it was the best thing in the whole world. — Janeane Garofalo

To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first. — Janeane Garofalo

Listen, young people, I understand narcissism - clearly. But at least I have the decency to hate myself. And that's what's missing from the young people. They don't have the debilitating self-loathing and the second guessing. — Janeane Garofalo

Being a feminist means that you believe in civil rights and social justice. — Janeane Garofalo

Evil is in the face of every frat guy that ever raised a beer cup and went "whoooooo!" — Janeane Garofalo

What has Iraq done to us? — Janeane Garofalo

Without liberals we wouldn't have unions. We wouldn't have environmental protections. We wouldn't have seat belts or birth control or the ACLU! Any of these things! — Janeane Garofalo

I'm a walker. I enjoy walking, which I think psychologically expresses my feelings of wanting liberation without exerting myself too much. — Janeane Garofalo

Men are allowed to age. Men are allowed to gain weight. Men are allowed to be quirky looking. — Janeane Garofalo

I love a nice cooking show. It's as aesthetically pleasing as any other thing that tempts the senses, I suppose. — Janeane Garofalo

Until as women we all say, No! We are not going to starve ourselves, nothing is going to change. We're our own worse enemies sometimes but I still blame men. — Janeane Garofalo

I don't think that the administration is being particularly honest with the American people about what this is going to cost in life and in dollars, what the dangers are, retaliatory strikes, once it happens. This is not a war that needs to happen immediately, if ever. — Janeane Garofalo

I've seen other comics, with great pleasure, watching their own specials, and I don't know how or why they do it. — Janeane Garofalo

I can do most anything and not have a problem with it. The only time I have negative attention is when I run naked through the streets brandishing a handgun. — Janeane Garofalo

When I see guys in bars wearing the real fitted kind of Calvin Klein v-neck t-shirts I just want to go up to them and be like, 'Oh, do you work out? Your tricep looks so great - thank you.' — Janeane Garofalo

Is being an idiot like being high all the time? — Janeane Garofalo

I was thrilled to work opposite Carl Reiner and Robert De Niro. Mr. Reiner was very chatty and delightful, but I learned that if you want Robert De Niro to like you, don't speak at all, and he'll be friendly to you. — Janeane Garofalo

I'm almost 46. You become no longer even regarded in a sexual way. As you get older you're just taken out of that realm. So it's not anything that particularly confronts me very much at all. — Janeane Garofalo

Blood may be thicker than water, but it is still sticky, unpleasant and generally nauseating. — Janeane Garofalo

I say at this point, for different reasons, Bush and Hussein are both very threatening to world peace and to deny that is to be incredibly naive. — Janeane Garofalo

I hate high fashion. I hate that we reward people for being genetic freaks. You hear the guys announcing the runway shows saying, 'A pretty face is your best asset this season.' And what? Ugly girls had a free ride last year? — Janeane Garofalo

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half-empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth. — Janeane Garofalo

You can tell a lot about a person by how excited they are to do the Macarena. — Janeane Garofalo

I'm not a cook. I like to watch the Food Network, but I don't like to cook. — Janeane Garofalo

Sometimes the critics review me harshly for not being critical of government but it's not me who has said I was political. — Janeane Garofalo

But let me ask you this though, first and foremost: who's your favorite Spice Girl? Mine is Sporty Spice and I'll tell you why. You know what? She might not be as aesthetically pleasant as the rest but she'll do a backflip and steal your heart. — Janeane Garofalo

For my stand-up, I always have my notebook with me and if something strikes me, I'll write it down. — Janeane Garofalo

You know, I've had Botox. The woman who does it is very good, obviously. Very conservative. — Janeane Garofalo

I'm grateful for any opportunity to act. — Janeane Garofalo

You can't have cinema by committee if you're trying to do it well. — Janeane Garofalo

I think I failed miserably on NewsRadio. I was very nervous because of the caliber of the cast - especially Dave Foley - so I think I did a terrible job. — Janeane Garofalo

The Bible, I've said it before, is a beautifully written work of fiction. — Janeane Garofalo

Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit. — Lewis Black

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'. — Janeane Garofalo

It's mentally exhausting, feeling bad about something you can do nothing about. — Janeane Garofalo

For some reason I get advertised when I travel as a political comedian, which I'm not. Sometimes I talk about it and sometimes I don't. — Janeane Garofalo

When I see the American flag, I go, 'Oh my God, you're insulting me.' — Janeane Garofalo

I don't really have funny things to say about politics. I wish I did, but I don't. — Janeane Garofalo

I got mugged. And they got my knapsack with my comedy notebook in it. So if anybody see two cholos bombing at the Funny Bone chain, that would be them. Just give me a jingle. — Janeane Garofalo

I remember the old Times Square from when I was younger, and there was a seedy thrill to it. Some of that is gone, which I have a little bit of nostalgia for. — Janeane Garofalo

Tina Fey is part of a generation of women who have changed the face of comedy at 'Second City,' 'SNL,' in sitcoms and in film. — Janeane Garofalo

There are comedians that I like. I think a lot of it, you just figure out on your own. It's definitely one of those things that you get good at by doing it a lot. But I like Jim Gaffigan. Patton Oswalt. Janeane Garofalo. — Michael Showalter

TV, it's a director's medium, and they wanna make it look interesting. To be rehearsing mostly for the sake of where you're standing so they can do the lighting, that's what I don't like. — Janeane Garofalo

I'm not a disciplined writer. — Janeane Garofalo

Pedestrian's rights - because we live in California, I've got to address this issue. I don't know where on the fence I am about that. I suppose if I'm walking, I'm all for it, but if I'm driving, that's a whole other can of worms. — Janeane Garofalo

I don't think Hollywood was trying to do anything with me. In fact, they lost interest pretty quick. — Janeane Garofalo

I don't know that I would need to be famous as a Middle East policy expert to see that unilateral imperialism is bad policy. — Janeane Garofalo

So, apparently, if you are a pre-sentient mass of cells, this country will protect you and your rights to the n-th degree. If you have made the mistake of becoming an Iraqi citizen, apparently we can just drop bombs on you with impunity. — Janeane Garofalo

Last night, I went to a birthday party, and this girl brought a cake and a cheesecake. And the other girls that lived in the apartment, I swear to God, all night long: 'You're taking that cake with you when you go. That cake's not staying in this house.' Like it's this evil, Hope Diamond, nuclear, horrifying cursed thing. — Janeane Garofalo

Sage advice? If you're drunk, stay away from the phone. You can't get the answering machine message back. — Janeane Garofalo

I would prefer to be well-liked in any and all situations. — Janeane Garofalo

I'm a sucker for any guy with an accent with any kind. — Janeane Garofalo

I have yet to meet very many people in the press who are really, truly interested in writing a good story or getting at the truth. Most press people, when they come into an article, have an angle that they want already, so they need points to support that angle, whatever the angle may be. — Janeane Garofalo

Silence does not equal patriotism. Obedience is not the American way. — Janeane Garofalo

You just did a whole read-through. The lie that brought us into war was that Iraq was a threat to us. Well, now it is a threat. Now it is a terrorist hotbed. The fiction is now reality. And now we have to deal with it. It was an attempt at a corporate takeover. This was about oil. It wasn't about human rights. It's not about human rights. — Janeane Garofalo

Rejection kills, disappointment only maims. — Janeane Garofalo

I guess intractable right-wing ideologues are my mortal enemy. — Janeane Garofalo

I can't wait for the next fad though, and I predict it's going to be Pennsylvania dutch culture, very Amish. It's going to be bonnets and butter churns. — Janeane Garofalo

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off. — Janeane Garofalo

As actors, it is our responsibility to read the newspapers, and then say what we read on television like it's our own opinion. — Janeane Garofalo

When Pat Buchanan came out against the Beijing Women's Conference and there were women standing next to him, smiling and laughing when he was making fun of it, I was so embarrassed. I don't mind when the more liberal or moderate Republican women talk about smaller government or money issues and things of that nature. But when I see a conservative Republican woman in line with the Christian right or coming out against abortion and day-care issues and for taking away womens' aid, I see a self-hating, unenlightened woman, like a self-hating Jew. That blows my mind. I don't get it at all. — Janeane Garofalo

Not that I was ever an asshole but I used to be much more of a bulldozer. — Janeane Garofalo

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in. — Janeane Garofalo

No no no! Don't clap! No no no, you make me seem like I'm like a prophet or something and I'm so not! — Janeane Garofalo

I mostly get takeout, I have to admit - I don't know if that's something to be ashamed of. I'm not much of a cook. — Janeane Garofalo

I don't hate myself, as a general rule. I'd say the best way to describe it is that I have moments of self-loathing at fairly regular intervals. — Janeane Garofalo

Sometimes people say I'm a political comedian, which, actually I'm not. I'm a comedian who sometimes discusses politics, culture - again, the word 'politics' to me is just life. — Janeane Garofalo

Let's put it this way: I don't have a good work ethic. I have a real casual relationship with hours. I don't understand why, in entertainment, the hours are as long as they are. It seems like everything takes forever, and no one can tell you why, exactly. — Janeane Garofalo

Let's be very honest about what this is about. It's not about bashing Democrats, it's not about taxes, they have no idea what the Boston tea party was about, they don't know their history at all. This is about hating a black man in the White House. This is racism straight up. — Janeane Garofalo

I think we all remember where we were when Rush Hour hit the water. That was an important day. — Janeane Garofalo

Herman Cain is probably well-liked by some of the Republicans because it hides the racist elements of the Republican Party, conservative movement and tea party movement. People like Karl Rove like to keep the racism very covert and so Herman Cain provides this great opportunity so he can say, 'Look: This is not a racist anti-immigrant, anti-female, anti-gay movement. Look: We have a black man.' And look he's polling well and he won a straw poll. — Janeane Garofalo

Anthony Weiner deserves to be supported and hopefully he will be mayor of New York one day. I'm serious. He is a Democrat [who] actually fights for the things liberals and progressive and rational people care about. I don't know why he's being thrown under the bus. He hasn't done any - he hasn't broke any laws, — Janeane Garofalo

My dream would be to be on a show that shoots in New York, because I live here, and then I could walk to work. — Janeane Garofalo

There is no way any rational, reasonable person can say
that the Bush Administration has been good for America. — Janeane Garofalo

You young people with your twittering and your creating of content. Or what is it - queefing? I don't know what you young people are calling it. — Janeane Garofalo

[Conservative talk radio hosts] have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian. — Janeane Garofalo

It's been hard in entertainment as a 45-year-old woman to find jobs. They get fewer and far between if you're older, unless you're one of the few lucky ones who work constantly, like Meryl Streep. — Janeane Garofalo

The handful of corporations that own most of the media outlets have an interest in reflecting establishment views. — Janeane Garofalo

You know George W. Bush is a war-time president, he says - proudly. Guess what. War is failure! When you are at war, you have failed! When you have gone to a war of choice and lied about it, you're a double-triple, triple-quadruple failure! Or a warlord. It's called a warlord in other countries. A war time president here. One man's ceiling I guess is another man's floor. George Bush is a warlord. He's a failure! — Janeane Garofalo

He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled. — Janeane Garofalo

I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person. — Janeane Garofalo

You have to have a lot more dedication to what I'll call 'the machine,' ... I have 20 percent dedication. What's needed is 110 percent. You can't have it with the level of apathy I have. — Janeane Garofalo

How is it that this debate has been twisted on its head, that somehow those that advocate peace and diplomacy are anti-American? — Janeane Garofalo

The reason a person is a republican is because something is wrong with them. Again, that's science - that's neuroscience. You cannot be well adjusted, open-minded, pluralistic, enlightened and be a republican. — Janeane Garofalo

The media is supposed to be custodians of the facts and watchdogs of government. They have, for the most part, neglected to be either of those things. — Janeane Garofalo

I feel like the American people are being lied to and manipulated. President Bush is trying to force 9/11 and Saddam together. — Janeane Garofalo

I think that by staying out of shape at the age of 33 I'm doing myself a huge favor for my future. There will never be anyone commenting on how I've 'let myself go.' I've gone. It's gone. It's not going, it's GONE. — Janeane Garofalo

Nobody ever starts out to make a mediocre, commercial film. You always think it's going to be something. And then, once you're done with your shooting, you have no control. You're just done, as an actor. — Janeane Garofalo

If you don't do any self-examinations or see a doctor ever, you'll live forever. That's how you do it. The diagnosis is what gets you. You just have a don't ask, don't tell policy with any and all bodily functions. — Janeane Garofalo

I'm not religious anymore, but I think it's like papal infallibility, which is a ridiculous man-made tenet, like what I believe most religious tenets to be, are man-made after the fact. — Janeane Garofalo

I am not a person that is particularly tethered to fashion, which I think is obvious to anyone who's seen me. — Janeane Garofalo

The right, like Pat Buchanan and Rush Limbauggh, use women and the black man and the Hispanic immigrant and the gay man as a scapgoat for society's ills. They pretend it's about traditional family values, but that's a bullshit phrase that means nothing to me. They like to use us all. They use pro-life as a way to hate women and slam women, dressed up in the nobility of saving unborn fetuses. I think it's just misogyny. — Janeane Garofalo

We got married drunk in Vegas ... We dated for a year, and we got married at a drive-through chapel in a cab. [We thought] you have to go down to the courthouse and sign papers and stuff, so who knew? We were married, and apparently now that [Rob] is getting married for real, his lawyer dug up something. — Janeane Garofalo

Sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship. — Janeane Garofalo

I'm sorry for being me. I won't ever do it again. — Janeane Garofalo

It is not crazy to think that powerful people do some pretty horrible things. And maybe they get out of hand. Maybe it just gets away from them. It snowballs. — Janeane Garofalo

Also, as I've gotten older and more mature, I've become much more comfortable in my own skin. After 25 years of doing stand-up, that's reflected onstage. — Janeane Garofalo

You just need an opportunity and then you yourself have to do a good job, and then you hope that people go, 'Oh yeah, I forgot about her.' — Janeane Garofalo