Funny Throwing Quotes & Sayings

Marcus couldn't believe it. Dead. A dead duck. OK, he'd been trying to hit it on the head with a piece of sandwich, but he tried to do all sorts of things, and none of them had ever happened before. He'd tried to get the highest score on the Stargazer machine in the kabab shop on Hornsey road - nothing. He'd tried to read Nicky's thoughts by staring at the back of his head every maths lesson for a week - nothing. It really annoyed him that the only thing he'd ever achieved through trying was something he hadn't really wanted to do that much in the first place. And anyway, since when did hitting a bird with a sandwich ever kill it? People spend half their lives throwing things at the ducks in Regent's Park. How come he managed to pick a duck that pathetic? — Nick Hornby

It's funny how all of this has worked out - I wasn't popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I'm throwing up. — Jimmy Kimmel

When you're in the editing room, the dangerous thing is that it becomes like telling a joke again and again and again. Eventually, the joke starts to not be funny. So you have to be careful that you're not throwing the baby out with the bath water. — Ridley Scott

Called her a whore and attacked her walls, tearing down her posters and throwing her books everywhere. I found out because some whitegirl ran up and said, Excuse me, but your stupid roommate is going insane, and I had to bolt upstairs and put him in a headlock. — Junot Diaz

From Ronan's room, he heard Noah's laugh. He and Ronan were throwing various objects from the second-story window to the parking low below. There was a terrific crash.
Ronan's voice rose, exasperated. Not that one, Noah. — Maggie Stiefvater

In movies, people pretend to be sick to get their jailers to let them out," Aaron told them. "Maybe one of us could try throwing up - or frothing from the mouth."
"Like we're rabid?" Call asked.
"We don't have time to argue," Tamara said, reaching into her satchel, clearly completely panicked, and coming out with a little bottle of clear liquid. "I have hand soap. Quick, Jasper, drink it. You'll definitely froth."
"I am not drinking that," Jasper said. "I am a deWinter. We do not froth. — Cassandra Clare

And there's a visceral fun in watching Team America and making it, like taking a puppet and throwing it against the wall. Because it's not CG, there's something funny about it. — Matt Stone

I went to see my doctor ... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah ... I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect." — Rodney Dangerfield

Jay lurched in one direction, jerked back, lurched in another, tripped for no reason. He finally made it through a gauntlet of invisible obstacles and crouched behind a water fountain shaped like a hippopotamous throwing up. — Adam Rex

I can't say I ever wanted to become an entertainer. I already was one, sort of-around the house, at school, doing my magic tricks, throwing my voice and doing Popeye impersonations. People thought I was funny; so I kind of took entertaining for granted It was inevitable that I'd start giving little performances. — Johnny Carson

The shrine I prayed at not to go to university," Sand said.
"I guess your prayer was answered," Perrotte said.
Sand strongly considered throwing something at her - but there was nothing to hand that wasn't sacred. — Merrie Haskell

Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else. — Pseudonymous Bosch

I listen to a lot of rap where men talk a certain way about women and I'm not offended. It's meant to be funny. I'm throwing it right back at them with humor, but some people can't take it. They're not used to women talking back. — Kesha

Dodger made haste towards the house of the Mayhews while in his mind he saw the cheerful face and hooked nose of Mister Punch, beating his wife, beating the policeman and throwing the baby away, which made all the children laugh. Why was that funny, he thought? Was that funny at all? He'd lived for seventeen years on the streets, and so he knew that, funny or not, it was real. Not all the time, of course, but often when people had been brought down so low that they could think of nothing better to do than punch: punch the wife, punch the child and then, sooner or later, endeavour to punch the hangman, although that was the punch that never landed and, oh how the children laughed at Mister Punch! But Simplicity wasn't laughing ... — Terry Pratchett

And then she said, 'Let's play Truth or Dare' and then you fucked her."
"Wait, you fucked her? In front of the Colonel?" Takumi cried.
"I didn't fuck her."
"Calm down, guys," the Colonel said, throwing up his hands. "It's a euphemism."
"For what?" Takumi asked.
"Kissing. — John Green

When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me. — Noel Fielding

I stopped at a stop sign at the end of the street, and Margo said, "What the hell? Go go go go go," and I said, "Oh, right," because I had forgotten that I was throwing caution to the wind and everything. — John Green

For loose teeth the tooth fairy recommends tying your tooth to a brick and throwing said brick down the stairs. — Nicole McKay

If Rose's streak was still intact, with that single to left, the fans would be throwing babies out of the upper deck. — Jerry Coleman

The issue of who will throw the garbage won't be so trivial when no one is throwing it away, and it starts to stink. When the plates pile up in the kitchen sink, or when the bathroom is grimy and the shampoo ran out. No, it won't be funny then. — Eeva Lancaster

Monkeys
What! His partner said.
Monkeys are funny, said Peabody.'So why didn't we we pick monkeys.
His partner sighed and shook his head with sad dismay.
Monkeys? Jesus.
Monkeys' idea of fun is throwing their shit at you. Monkeys always take the joke a step too far. — Toby Barlow

You want to stab me again, don't you?"
He didn't look at all ashamed. "Think of it as testing the limits of your new abilities."
I groaned. "I've created a monster."
"I don't think someone who recently crawled from the grave should be throwing around labels like 'monster,'" he said, making sarcastic little air-quotes fingers.
"It wasn't a grave," I sniffed. "It was a comfy four-poster. — Molly Harper

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee. — Mitch Hedberg

Positive. In other news, Marcie's throwing a Halloween party here at the farmhouse."
Patch smiled. "Grey - Millar family drama?"
"The theme is famous couples from history. Could she be any less original? Worse, she's roped my mom into this. They went shopping for decorations today. For three whole hours. It's like they're suddenly best friends." I picked up another apple slice and made a face at it. "Marcie is ruining everything. I wanted Scott to go with Vee, but Marcie already convinced him to go with her." Patch's smile widened.
I aimed my best sulky look at him. "This isn't funny. Marcie is destroying my life. Whose side are you on anyway?"
Patch raised his hands in surrender. "I'm staying out of this. — Becca Fitzpatrick

Sicarius, are you ready for a hike?"
She faced him only to find he had armed himself - more so than usual. In addition to his daggers and throwing knives, he held two rifles, two pistols, two cargo belts laden with ammo pouches, and a bag of his smoke grenades.
"Or a single-handed all-out assault on the forest? — Lindsay Buroker

Kelsier rapped lightly on the door, and Dockson strolled over, pulling it open.
"And he makes his stunning entry!" Kelsier announced, sweeping into the room, throwing back his mistcloak.
Dockson snorted, shutting the doors. "You're truly a wonder to behold, Kell. Particularly the soot stains on your knees. — Brandon Sanderson

Excellent. Aristotle will introduce you to the employees at the desk,' Dr. Creamintin beamed.
'What what? I shall do no such thing!" the fluffy little owl argued.
'Cease your complaining Aristotle. Until Dave and Frey return, you haven't any work to do. Now go introduce the poor girl,' Dr. Creamintin ordered.
'Nevah, I say, nevah!' the owl decided, shaking his little butt.
'Too bad, I say, too bad,' Dr. Creamintin mocked before snatching the little bird off his stand on Felisha's desk and throwing him out of the office. — K.M. Shea

Travis: The Aphrodite kids were ripping each other's clothes and throwing lipstick and jewellery. It was like a rabid herd of wild Bratz. — Rick Riordan

Mere children, ha!" said Jane. "I say we tie up the knave and then discuss his fate."
Since everyone thought this a good idea, Batty and Hound donated Jeffrey's neckties, and soon Bug Man, aka Sock or Spock, aka Norman Birnbaum, was bound hand and foot. Jane, Batty, and Hound then took a few minutes to be Aztec priests calling for blood, until Rosalind quieted them down. Norman was slime, but that was no reason to terrify him.
Then came a long discussion about what they should do next... Jane's suggestion of throwing Norman into their basement so that he could dwell on his sins was rejected outright. — Jeanne Birdsall

Not that I don't think irreverent humor and someone being filthy is funny, I just do what I do. Any comedian would admit throwing an f-bomb in there would help get a reaction ... I'm not on a Puritanical pursuit, but when I would curse in a joke, I believe I'm not done writing it. — Jim Gaffigan

Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions. — Johnny Carson

I see young quarterbacks just coming into the league, and they're throwing screens and layoffs right away. As funny as this might sound, I really learned a lot by going downfield, even in tight coverage. — Peyton Manning

What's the best practical joke you've ever played on another camper? Connor: The golden mango! Travis: Oh, dude, that was awesome. Connor: So anyway, we took this mango and spray painted it gold, right? We wrote: "For the hottest" on it and left it in the Aphrodite cabin while they were at archery class. When they came back, they started fighting over it, trying to figure out which of them was the hottest. It was so funny. Travis: Gucci shoes were flying out the windows. The Aphrodite kids were ripping each other's clothes and throwing lipstick and jewelry. It was like a rabid herd of wild Bratz. Connor: Then they figured out what we'd done, and they tracked us down. Travis: That was not cool. I didn't know they made permanent makeup. I looked like a clown for a month. Connor: Yeah. They put a curse on me so that no matter what I wore, my clothes were two sizes too small and I felt like a geek. Travis: You are a geek. — Rick Riordan

You just know this is going to be bad," Susan said.
" - but when I went to college," Harry continued, throwing a piece of bread at Susan, "if your roommate died, you were usually allowed to skip your finals for that semester. You know, because of the trauma."
"And oddly enough, your roommate got to skip them, too," Susan said. "For much the same reason. — John Scalzi

My heart sped up at the change in him. It was rare that I saw the hard-faced version of Preston standing in front on me. I was used to funny, pain-in-the-ass Preston. Easy-going Preston. The Preston who cuddled me when I needed it and held my hair back when I was throwing up, but before me was I'm-not-taking-this-shit Preston. Oh fuck!" ~ Ella, A Perfect Moment — Becca Lee

What the hell is your problem?" Sputtered Jason, pushing his wet hair back from his face.
"Oh I don't know. One minute you're kissing my girlfriend and the next you're throwing her down a hill. — Kathleen Peacock

When it started to climb between my legs, my balls and its claws only separated by a thin blanket, I sincerely considered throwing it (the cat, not my member) out of the window. — John Duover