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Funny Off To Bed Quotes & Sayings

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Top Funny Off To Bed Quotes

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Richelle Mead

She says you're not awake until you're actually out of bed and standing up. — Richelle Mead

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Diane Messidoro

Lying in bed with Johnny Depp sussing out which males are what kind of pet from their clothes. — Diane Messidoro

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By John Lanchester

No, Roger had not seen the funny side. But there had been a moment when, after looking at his watch, he had thought: I can remember when Christmas morning would start at about half past ten with a glass of Buck's Fizz in bed. Now it begins at half past five, with a test of my fine motor skills and ability to read Korean. — John Lanchester

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Laurell K. Hamilton

He pulled up a chair and sat down by the bed, smiling at me. It was a nice smile. "So you're a werewolf." He nodded. "How did it happen?" He stared down at the floor, then up. His face looked so solemn, I was sorry I'd asked. I was expecting some great tale of a savage attack survived. "I got a bad batch of lycanthropy serum." "You what?" "You heard me." He seemed embarrassed. "You got a bad shot?" "Yes." My smile got wider and wider. "It's not funny," he said. I shook my head. "Not at all." I knew my eyes were shiny, and it was all I could do not to laugh out loud. "You've got to admit it's nicely ironic." He sighed. "You're going to hurt yourself. Go ahead and laugh." I did. I laughed until it hurt, and Richard joined in. Laughter is contagious, too. — Laurell K. Hamilton

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Robert Pattinson

This is a good look. I'm gonna mess him up," Pattinson praises Stewart. "And I'm just like, I don't know what's going on? Where am I? I just walked out of a flower bed in this scene as well ... I was standing in the flower bed and then walked out of it and then stopped and looked confused ... If I didn't have contact lenses on, that was a really spectacular look I just did ... I should have had million thoughts, like Hamlet. — Robert Pattinson

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Sara Zarr

I get a message from my dad. In the mood I'm in, I tear up to see his name in my inbox, and imagine him down the hall in bed, propped on pillows, emailing me.
"Hon,
Enjoyed our gelato date the other night. I just want to say I'm proud of you for a lot of reasons. Also, I've attached a picture of my foot."
He's such a weirdo goofball. I love him. — Sara Zarr

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Neneh Cherry

There's been a lot of coming home in the early mornings after funny nights out, having bizarre sandwiches in bed. — Neneh Cherry

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Bernard Manning

We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk. — Bernard Manning

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Jim Gaffigan

Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane. — Jim Gaffigan

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Heather O'Neill

Humans were always more capable of evil than you could imagine. And they were also capable of more wonderment than you could ever fathom. People had come up with this city. And what was different between them and her? They had hands and eyes. They had imaginations. They went to bed at night, and they had funny adventures in their heads. Anything was possible. But the effects — Heather O'Neill

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Ally Carter

Kat," Hale groaned, then fell back onto the pillows.
"Funny, I didn't hear a doorbell."
"I let myself in; hope that's okay."
Hale smiled. "Or the alarm."
She stepped inside, tossed a pocket-size bag of tools onto the bed.
"You're due for an upgrade."
Hale propped himself against the antique headboard and squinted up at her.
"She returns." He crossed his arms across his bare chest. "You know, I could be naked in here. — Ally Carter

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Steven L. Peck

It seemed funny that one day I would go to bed in her arms and the next not feel anything, like a switch had gone off. But no, that wasn't honest either. This had been building for a long time. Our silences were getting longer. Our arguments more frequent. How do you stay with someone when there are no dreams to build? No purpose to accomplish? No meaning? No meaning - that was the monster that drove us away from one another in the end. Always. — Steven L. Peck

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Richelle Mead

Did you really just invite Adrian to your room later?" asked Lissa.
Avery shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe. Sometimes we hang out once you guys are all tucked into bed. You aren't going to get jealous, are you?"
"No," laughed Lissa.
"Just curious. Adrian's a good guy."
"Oh?" asked Christian. "Define 'good'." Avery held up her hand and began ticking items off with each finger. "He's devastatingly handsome, funny, rich, related to the queen ... "
"You got your wedding colors picked out?" asked Lissa, still laughing.
"Not yet," said Avery. "I'm still testing the waters. I figured he'd be an easy notch on the Avery Lazar belt, but he's kind of hard to read."
"I really don't want to be hearing this," Christian said. — Richelle Mead

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Maggie Shayne

Then, almost as an afterthought, she turned and locked the bathroom door. If he thought he was going to seduce her, make her stupid enough to believe his lies by getting her into bed, he'd better think again. She stepped into the water. Besides, women didn't lose brain cells at the thought of sex. Only men did. — Maggie Shayne

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Stephen Fry

Sex does not enrich or deepen a relationship, it permanently cheapens and destabilises one. Everyone I know who is unfortunate enough to have a sex-mate, joy-partner, bed-friend, love-chum, call them what you will finds that
after a week or two of long blissful afternoons of making the beast with two backs, or the beast with one back and a funny shaped middle or the beast with legs splayed in the air and arms gripping the sides of the mattress
the day dawns when Partner A is keen for more swinking, grinding, and sweating and Partner B would rather turn over and catch up with Jeeves and Bertie. — Stephen Fry

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Christine Teigen

I tweet from bed. I love it because it's so quick. And it's funny. But it also leaves a lot of room for error because new people don't sense the sarcasm - there's no sarcasm font. — Christine Teigen

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Kimberly Derting

She slipped her hands beneath the front of his shirt, slowly running her fingertips over his chest and back down to his waist. He turned in her arms and smiled, but his grin was filled with mocking suspicion. "Are you trying to distract me, Violet Ambrose?"
"I guess you're smarter than you look," she teased as he pushed her backward so that they both fell on her bed.
"And you are not as funny as you think you are." His mouth hovered over hers, his arms tightening, crushing her against him. Violet giggled and tried to squirm free, but Jay wouldn't let her. He kissed her throat, his lips teasing her until it wasn't his grip that made it hard for Violet to breathe.
"Oh, and Violet, he whispered against her ear, his breath tickling her cheek, "I'm still your best friend. Don't ever forget it." His words were fervent and touching. — Kimberly Derting

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Jennifer L. Armentrout

I had no idea what time it was, but I felt boneless and it would take an act of God to get me out of this bed. Or chocolate. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Dashiell Hammett

Alice opened the door when I rang. She had on green pyjamas and held a hairbrush in one hand. She looked wearily at Quinn and spoke wearily: "Bring it in."
I took it in and spread it on a bed. It mumbled something I could not make out and moved one hand feebly back and forth, but its eyes stayed shut. — Dashiell Hammett

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Kate Klise

I want to give kids that fall-off-the-bed-laughing feeling. Either that, or the sixth-grade feeling that life is hard - sometimes unbearably hard - and it is ultimately about death. But in the meantime, life can be really funny, too. — Kate Klise

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Stephanie Perkins

He pats his way around the bed and slides back in. 'Ow,' he says.
'Yes?'
'My belt. Would it be weird ... '
I'm thankful he can't see me blush. 'Of course not.' And I listen to the slap of leather as he pulls it out of his belt loops. He lays it gently on my hardwood floor.
'Um,' he says. 'Would it be weird - '
'YES.'
'Oh, piss off. I'm not talking trousers. I only want under the blankets.That breeze is horrible.' He slides underneath, and now we're lying side by side. In my narrow bed. Funny, but I never imagined my first sleepover with a guy being, well, a sleepover.
'All we need now are 'Sixteen Candles' and a game of Truth or Dare.'
He coughs. 'Wh-what?'
'The movie, pervert. I was just thinking it's been a while since I've had a sleepover.'
A pause. 'Oh. — Stephanie Perkins

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Robin Benway

It's funny how bed and pillows and covers can change a conversation. Words turn quiet and you mean more and say less. It's like you can build your own little world, Population: 2. — Robin Benway

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Brendan Gleeson

We're getting the blues about having to walk away from this whole thing. We enjoyed it a lot and it all felt good. We had a good experience on it. We thought we could do good work together. And it is unusual to get the next one, straight off the bed. John is funny. When he gets moving, he moves pretty quickly. — Brendan Gleeson

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By J.M. Barrie

Wendy, Wendy, when you are sleeping in your silly bed you might be flying about with me saying funny things to the stars. — J.M. Barrie

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Dashiell Hammett

You know Quinn?" Macaulay asked me.
"Ten minutes ago I was putting him to bed."
Macaulay grinned. "I hope you keep his acquaintance like that - social"
"Meaning what?"
Macaulay's grin became rueful. "He used to be my broker, and his advice led me right up to the poorhouse steps."
"That's sweet," I said. "he's my broker now and I'm following his advice." Macaulay and the girl laughed. I pretended I was laughing and returned to my table. — Dashiell Hammett

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Richelle Mead

My muscles informed me they did not want to go through any more exercise today. So I suggest that maybe he should let me off this time. He laughed, and I'm pretty sure it was at me ... not with me.
"Why is that funny?"
"Oh," he said, his smile dropping. "You were serious."
"Of course I was! Look, I've technically been awake for two days. Why do we have to start this training now? Let me go to bed." I whined. "It's just one hour."
"How do you feel right now?"
"I hurt like hell."
"You'll feel worse tomorrow."
"So?"
"So, better get a jump on it while you still feel ... not as bad."
"What kind of logic is that?" I retorted. — Richelle Mead

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Andre The BFG

Life's not always a bed of noses. "We've been put on this earth to do good, and as long as you can put you hand on yer heart and say you've done yer best you can gan to yer rest with an easy conscience," was what me granny used to say. Before they dragged her off to the funny farm dressed as a Christmas turkey (it were the stuffing that gave the game away). — Andre The BFG

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Richelle Mead

So I suggested to Dimitri that maybe he should let me off this time. He laughed, and I was pretty sure it was at me and not with me.
Rose Hathaway: "Why is that funny?"
Dimitri Belikov: "Oh, You were serious."
Rose Hathaway: "Of course I was! Look, I've technically been awake for two days. Why do we have to start this training now? Let me go to bed, It's just one hour."
Dimitri Belikov: "How do you feel right now? After the training you've done so far?"
Rose Hathaway: "I hurt like hell."
Dimitri Belikov: "You'll feel worse tomorrow."
Rose Hathaway: "So?"
Dimitri Belikov: "So, better to jump in now while you still feel ... not as bad."
Rose Hathaway: "What kind of logic is that? — Richelle Mead

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Stephanie Perkins

He pats his way around the the bed and slides back in. "Ow," he says.
"yes?"
"My belt. Would it be weird ... "
I'm thankful he can't see me blush."Of course not." And I listen to the slap of leather, s he pulls it out of his belt loops. He lays it gently on my hardwood floor.
"Um," he says. "Would it be weird-"
"yes"
"Oh, piss off. I'm not talking trousers. I only want under the blankets. That breeze is horrible." He slides underneath, and now we're lying side-by-side. In my narrow bed. Funny, but I never never imagined my first sleepover with a guy being, well, a sleepover. — Stephanie Perkins

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By William Shakespeare

Afore me! It is so very late,
That we may call it early by and by. — William Shakespeare

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Henry Miller

The other night I took her on-out of pity-and what do you think the crazy bitch had done to herself? She had shaved it clean ... not a speck of hair on it. Did you ever have a woman who shaved her twat? It's repulsive, ain't it? And it's funny, too. Sort of mad like. It doesn't look like a twat any more: it's like a dead clam or something." He describes to me how, his curiosity aroused, he got out of bed and searched for his flashlight. "I made her hold it open and I trained the flashlight on it. You should have seen me ... it was comical. I got so worked up about it that I forgot all about her. I never in my life looked at a cunt so seriously. — Henry Miller

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Foster

If you want breakfast in bed, you have to concider sleeping in the kitchen> — Foster "Raul" Mkhabele

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Let me be clear: I don't want to make love to a mannequin - I want to make love like a mannequin. Oh, if only I were that animated in bed. — Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Dave Attell

Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings. — Dave Attell

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Shelly Laurenston

Do you think I'm pretty?"
Smitty glanced away from the computer screen he'd been staring at for the last three hours, looked at his sister, and shook his head. "No."
"What do ya mean no?"
"You asked. Sorry if you didn't like the answer. I always thought you were funny lookin'. Asked momma, 'What is that thing laying in your bed?' And she said, 'I found it hiding under a car, you be nice to it now. — Shelly Laurenston

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Chris Owen

Oh. Momma told me not to tell you that your bed squeaks. But I think you know, 'cause I could hear it this morning. Jake dropped his fork. Tor, for the first time Jake had ever seen, turned scarlet. Maureen looked at them both and sighed. Christmas is always so interesting with you, Mark. — Chris Owen

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By David Sedaris

For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it's funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I'd squat down to pet the cat and wake up on the floor eight hours later, having lost a perfectly good excuse to change my clothes. I'm now told that this is not called "going to sleep" but rather "passing out," a phrase that carries a distinct hint of judgment. — David Sedaris

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Kate Danley

Good night. Don't let the boogeyman bite"

"Mindy, there is no boogeyman, "I said as I snuggled in to bed, " I hauled Carl in years ago. — Kate Danley

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Jack Whitehall

I've never laughed a woman into bed, but I've laughed one out of bed many times. — Jack Whitehall

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Adi Alsaid

Love was lazy as hell. Love laid around in bed, warm from the sheets and the sunlight pouring into the room. Love was too lazy to get up to close the blinds. Love was too comfortable to get up and go pee. Love took too many naps, it watched TV, but not really, because it was too busy kissing and napping. Love was also funny, which somehow made the bed more comfortable, the laughter warming the sheets, softening the mattress and the lovers' skin. — Adi Alsaid

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Chic Murray

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back. — Chic Murray

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By George R R Martin

Shaga: How would you like to die, little man?
Tyrion: In my bed, at the age of eighty with a belly full of wine and a woman's mouth around my cock. — George R R Martin

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By L.A. Casey

I snapped my teeth at him making him retract his fingers to a safe distance away from my choppers. I grinned as I turned around and made a move to grab my duvet so I could shake it out and make my bed, only to find I couldn't because Storm was lying on top of it.

I didn't even hear him come in.

"Hello, my baby boy," I cooed.

Alec gasped from behind me. "How does he fucking do that?"

I smiled as I leaned over and scratched behind Storm's ears. "Because he is a cool dog."

"This is not funny, he doesn't make a fucking sound... it's not right, not right at all!"

I grinned. "I told you," I said as I turned around to face Alec again. "He is a ninja dog. — L.A. Casey

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Laurie Halse Anderson

Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers. — Laurie Halse Anderson

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Mitch Hedberg

I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! "Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner." — Mitch Hedberg

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Kate Sherwood

So he slips his head off of Jeff's shoulder and slides out from under Evan's Armand shuffles down to the bottom of the bed. It doesn't have a lot of dignity this part of their sleeping arrangement. He's complained about this before but Jeff just nodded, and Evan had kissed the back of his neck, and they'd both snuggled in a little tighter, pinning him in the middle even more effectively than before. — Kate Sherwood

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Greg Gutfeld

How funny is it that so many professors labeled Tea Partiers as terrorists, while kissing the asses of real, bona fide terrorists? It's not funny, really. But it's the result of a simple equation: One is cool, and the other isn't. Own a gun and keep it by your bed in your remote farmhouse? You're a redneck. Purchase guns that end up killing a judge? Priceless. As long as you cling to cool, progressive beliefs that deem America evil, whatever you do is cool. And if you do it under a big fuzzy 'fro? Even cooler. Hell, if you 'fro is big enough, you could nuke an orphanage and still get tenure. — Greg Gutfeld

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Ethan Day

You win, you dirty evil butt-munch. I'll never not let you stay over again. Now let's go back to bed. — Ethan Day

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Frankie Boyle

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome? — Frankie Boyle

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By J. Daniels

Dylan: What was that? Is Brooke breaking shit now? I know she's upset but she needs to remember where she is,Joey.HANDLE IT.

Sweet Christ. Why couldn,t she be on bed rest at her mother's?

Me: Ease up on the shouty caps,cupcake. Everything is under control.

Dylan:BETTER BE.(I love you)

Me: BITCH.(love you too) — J. Daniels

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By Tommy Cooper

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window. — Tommy Cooper

Funny Off To Bed Quotes By M T Anderson

I cried, sitting by her bed, and I told her the story of us. "It's about the feed," I said. "It's about this meg normal guy, who doesn't think about anything until one wacky day, when he meets a dissident with a heart of gold." I said, "Set against the backdrop of America in its final days, it's the high-spirited story of their love together, it's laugh-out-loud funny, really heartwarming, and a visual feast." I picked up her hand and held it to my lips. I whispered to her fingers. "Together, the two crazy kids grow, have madcap escapades, and learn an important lesson about love. They learn to resist the feed. Rated PG-13. For language," I whispered, "and mild sexual situations. — M T Anderson