Funny Football Quotes & Sayings

We're definitely going to get Brooklyn christened, but we don't know into which religion. — David Beckham

I know enough football to know that's funny! — Gabriel Iglesias

Football's all about 90 minutes — Glenn Hoddle

When I was writing the script, I knew didn't want to make a sports movie. I was very clear that I wanted to make a sibling rivalry story. So when I was writing the script, the football was getting in the way of the drama. One day, I saw Michael Haneke's Funny Games, which is probably the most violent film I've ever seen - but the violence is off camera. When I finished watching the film, I said, 'Hey, that's what I have to do.' Haneke gave me this solution. — Carlos Cuaron

That night at the Brooklyn party, I was playing the girl who was in style, the girl a man like Nick wants: the Cool Girl. Men always say that as the defining compliment, don't they? She's a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she's hosting the world's biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. — Gillian Flynn

I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet. — David Beckham

My career only took off because of one football game. I thought it was funny. 'Playboy' called and offered me a cover just like that. I turned them down initially, because I was nervous about it and my boyfriend at the time didn't want me to do it, but they kept coming back, so I eventually said yes. — Pamela Anderson

They're the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that. — Kevin Keegan

Unfortunately, sometimes the fans forget who puts the money and passion into the club. It's funny, but when you win, it's the coach and the players who are responsible, but when you lose, it's the owner's fault; but that's football. — Andrea Della Valle

It ain't like football. You can't make up no trick plays. — Yogi Berra

Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer. — Frankie Boyle

That was in the past - we're in the future now. — David Beckham

After all, this was the place where I'd had my first meaningful conversation with a female, it was the site of a football's first encounter with my groin, and above all, it was the location where I was first punched in the face by a bully. Somewhere out there, a tooth of mine lay deep within the soil. — Wes Locher

It's so funny; I grew up in the Midwest, I have two older brothers, and you're just as competitive playing football as you are eating pickled eggs, or trying to kill zombies. As long as you don't take it too far, I think it's a good way for people to relate. — Jose Pablo Cantillo

When an Italian tells me it's pasta on the plate, I check under the sauce to make sure. — Alex Ferguson

Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she's hosting the world's biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don't mind, I'm the Cool Girl. — Gillian Flynn

You got one guy going boom, one guy going whack, and one guy not getting in the endzone. — John Madden

I never make predictions and I never will. — Paul Gascoigne

Special Super Bowl Wisdom of the Ages: "Marshawn Lynch" Not really shy. Still extremely embarrassed he believed you can't be charged for beating up on large groups of people-as long as you are carrying a football. — Matthew D. Heines

Cole should be scoring from those distances, but I'm not going to single him out. — Alex Ferguson

In the workshop where I started to write fiction, you had to read your work in public. Most times, you read in a bar or coffeehouse where you'd be competing with the roar of the espresso machine. Or the football game on television. Music and drunk people talking. Against all this noise and distraction, only the most shocking, most physical, dark and funny stories got heard. Our test audience would never sit still for Barn-Raising Club. — Chuck Palahniuk

You watch pro ball and those guys spend so much time with their hands on each other's rear ends, you'd think they were feeling for diamonds or something. — Catherine Gilbert Murdock

I tried it 100 or a million times it couldn't happen again. If I could, I would have carried on playing. — Alex Ferguson

Well, Clive, it's all about the two Ms - movement and positioning. — Ron Atkinson

I'm a light eater. As soon as it's light, I start to eat. — Art Donovan

I miss being a mistress. I enjoyed it. I loved it, in fact. I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to, with my married girlfriends, the ones who live in terror of the pert au pair or the pretty, funny girl in the office who can talk about football and spends half her life in the gym. I had to tell them that of course I felt terrible about it, of course I felt bad for his wife, I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? The truth is, I never felt bad for Rachel.... She just wasn't real to me, and anyway, I was enjoying myself too much. Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there's no point denying it: you're the one he can't help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That's just how irresistible you are. — Paula Hawkins

Do you remember when we played in Spain in the Anglo-Italian Cup? — Shaun Newton

I'm not going out and hitting a 95-mph fastball where I can't see the stitches. I'm not on a professional football team looking to tackle a fullback who is built like solid wood. I'm a thinking person, and I've been blessed with the ability to see some things and talk about them in a way that registers in a humorous and funny way. — Bill Cosby

I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat. — Ron Atkinson

When it's third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers and I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time. — Max McGee

I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock. — Barry Venison

I grew up playing hockey and some football, and I always think about the first time you walk into the locker room on a new team. The cliques are looking at you funny, and you make one friend, but then they're trying to stab you in the back. — Aaron Douglas

There's no in between-you're either good or bad. We were in between. — Gary Lineker

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop. — Rodney Dangerfield

Once I had asked, 'But are you a Democrat or a Republican?" and Jonathan said, "I'm socially progressive but fiscally conservative," and Doug Miles, a football player who also came to Sunday breakfast but only ever read the sports section and ignored everyone, lifted his head and said, "Is that like being bisexual?" Which I actually thought was funny, even though I was pretty sure Doug was a jerk. — Curtis Sittenfeld

That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on. — John Lambie

A football team is like a piano. You need eight men to carry it and three who can play the damn thing. — Bill Shankly

That was liquid football — Steve Coogan

Football is not a contact sport. Its a collision sport — Duffy Daugherty

Pressure is something you feel when you don't know what the hell you're doing. — Peyton Manning

He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces — Ron Atkinson

Playing against a defensive opponent is just as bad as making love to a tree. — Jorge Valdano

People who are following their dreams inspire me. I train at this relatively new gym in West Hollywood called Training Mate. It's owned by a former Australian football player named Luke Milton. The classes are mostly taught by other Australians that are just like Luke: fit, funny, cute, and approachable. Now they're talking about opening another location. He will open another location and be successful because he's following his dream. People like him inspire me because they make me think I can do it too. — Dayna Devon

Don't tell those coming in the final result of that fantastic match, but let's just have another look at Italy's winning goalo. — David Coleman

I look at the NBA as a football game without the helmet. — Tom Tolbert

The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
Genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. — Joe Theismann

Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win — Vinnie Jones

It made me feel almost giddy, like a high-school girl watching the captain of the football team worked up his nerve to ask for a date. You mean me? Little old me? Oh my stars, really? Pardon me while I flutter my eyelashes. — Jeff Lindsay

I wanted to beat the heck out of the JV guys for that, except I wouldn't know what to do in a fistfight without a manual. — Carrie Harris

And it started out fun. We were chattering enthusiastically, flipping between CNN, MSNBC, and FOX News. But as the evening wore on, and the numbers rolled in, it got quieter, and I found myself becoming intensely depressed. Why was I putting myself through this? The issues I've devoted my life to have become so marginalized by the coverage that they have no possible relevance to me. I can't even blame the media - people simply don't care about alternate-party politics. And why should they? I'm so far in the minority that my activism is a joke, a punchline that stopped being funny years ago. It goes beyond rooting for the underdog. It's not rooting for the Giants: it's more like, say, rooting for the Twins. But during the Super Bowl. — Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left-winger in the Premiership, but there are none better. — Ron Atkinson

If God had wanted us to play football in the sky, He'd have put grass up there. — Brian Clough

If you cut Jamie Carragher open, he'll bleed red. — Clive Tyldesley

I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right. — Lee Hendrie

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on it, don't you think? — Chris Rock

It's an incredible rise to stardom. At 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson. — Gordon Strachan

I used to like Barbra Streisand films. It was 'Funny Girl' that really turned me on, in a sense, to acting. I remember it specifically being a rainy Saturday afternoon. I couldn't play football, so I stayed in, and I watched 'Funny Girl.' — Sean Harris

I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel. — Stuart Pearce

I'm as happy as I can be-but I have been happier. — Ugo Ehiogu

All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed. — Mitchell Thomas

I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way. — Ron Atkinson