Funny Divorce Quotes & Sayings

I'm like the opposite of one of those comedians who's funny on stage and depressed behind closed doors . On record, I can get pretty dark, but in real life I'm very carefree. But when I'm happy, I ain't writing songs, I'm out having a laugh, being in love. I wouldn't have the time. If I ever get married, it'll be 'Darling, I need a divorce, it's been three years, I've got a record to write!' — Adele

An open marriage is nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce. — Ann Landers

I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage. — Will Rogers

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. — Groucho Marx

Divorce sucks. Let me tell you, after five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out. — Rich Vos

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house. — Zsa Zsa Gabor

Am I suggesting that you must feel sorry for divorce lawyers and prepare to pay every penny of their fees? Of course not! You deserve justice, and the lawyer can be lured into delivering said justice at a seriously discounted price! — Portia Porter

I actually think the subject of young divorce is pretty funny; I'd like to write a movie about it. — Olivia Wilde

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much." — Frank Carson

I was even starting to relax - a little - until he took me to his parents' house for dinner. I've never met two people more in need of a divorce. They bickered and fought all evening. Royce said that's how they express their love. I don't believe him. I mean, please. You tell me if you feel the love from this conversation (written word for word as I remember it):
Linda: Elliot, be a dear and get me another drink.
Elliot: Get it yourself.
Linda: Get up and fix me a drink, you lazy man.
Elliot: Woman, don't push me on this. I've finally gotten comfortable.
Linda: (sugary sweet smile) I'll push you only when you're standing on a bridge.
Elliot: If I were standing on a bridge and saw you coming, you wouldn't have to push me. I'd
jump.
See? Does that sound "loving" to you? — Gena Showalter

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money. — Johnny Carson

The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce. — Miguel De Cervantes

In real life, couples bond and war over a million different things. The causes of divorce are like beautiful, unique snowflakes. — Howard Mittelmark

I can't take his genius any more. — Rita Hayworth

Is everything funny? For me, yes. There's a positive to every negative. Even my divorce? For me, yes. If you go back and look at it, why it happened or how it happened, there's something in there that'll make you laugh. — Kevin Hart

Divorce runs high these days, but I'm an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular. — Bauvard

I can't get divorced because I'm a Catholic. Catholics don't get divorced. They stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery, just like God intended. — Lenny Clarke

Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. — Robin Williams

I find it funny that you could pass the same person on the street, in a store, or even in your neighborhood many times before actually meeting, thinking you've never seen them before, but when you are finally introduced, they seem to pop up everywhere. — Courtney Giardina

Some things happened and some other things didn't, and at one point I found I'd gone to a place where I married Jascha. Pyotr Frankis had been right: life was funny. It was also reasonably good and so was the relationship. And after the divorce, I got a job. — Pat Cadigan

I tilt my head and ask "What firsts have we
already passed?"
"The easy ones," he says. "First hug, first date, first fight, first time we slept together,
although I wasn't the one sleeping. Now we barely have any left. First kiss. First time to
sleep together when we're both actually awake. First marriage. First kid. We're done
after that. Our lives will become mundane and boring and I'll have to divorce you and
marry a wife who's twenty years younger than me so I can have a lot more firsts and
you'll be stuck raising the kids." He bring his hand to my cheek and smile at me. "So you
see, babe? I'm only doing this for your benefit. The longer I wait to kiss you, the longer
it'll be before I'm forced to leave you high and dry. — Colleen Hoover

Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Let me tell you, honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce. — Larry Gelbart

Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce? — Natasha Leggero

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife. — Groucho Marx

Workaholicism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler. — Dave Mordal

Would you like me to write Mrs. Ames about inviting you to Yaddo? Get Miss Moore to write too. You can't invite yourself, though, of course, almost all the invitations are planned. It would be marvelous to have you there. I know the solitude that gets too much. It doesn't drug me, but I get fantastic and uncivilized.
At last my divorce [from Jean Stafford] is over. It's funny at my age to have one's life so much in and on one's hands. All the rawness of learning, what I used to think should be done with by twenty-five. Sometimes nothing is so solid to me as writing - I suppose that's what vocation means - at times a torment, a bad conscience, but all in all, purpose and direction, so I'm thankful, and call it good, as Eliot would say. — Robert Lowell

I survived a divorce, no children and come to Paris three days per week. My cat ran away on a love adventure; don't know when he will be back. — Tionne Rogers