Funny Chocolate Quotes & Sayings

At last, after much effort, there came a prolonged belch from the mud and Larry shot to the surface and we hauled him up the bank. He stood there, covered with the black and stinking slush, looking like a chocolate statue that has come in contact with a blast furnace; he appeared to be melting as we watched. — Gerald Durrell

You're funny.' Phoebe passed me the last chocolate cupcake. 'And I always thought your friends were laughing over their own farts.'
'Ninety percent of Eastwood's male population laughs over their own farts. Present company excluded, naturally. — Robyn Schneider

I said, I ain't buyin' no chocolate covered cherries."
"Oh, come on. You know you want to."
D shook his head like Jack was just too much to be believed. "I do not either want to, and them candies makes me think of my grandmother, so it's real fuckin' weird that you turned 'em inta some kinda sex fantasy, okay? 'Cause then I get all mixed up in my head where I'm in my grandma's livin' room makin' Play-Doh french fries while you suck my dick and that's just ten kinds of wrong. Even I ain't that fucked up."
Jack laughed. "Not yet you aren't." He looked at D's face, smiling with him. — Jane Seville

Europe is scooters. Europe is five young people on one bench sharing a chocolate bar. Their idea of entertainment and fun is so much different than ours, which is exactly why a movie about them would be funny. — Mike Myers

Oz lists the hem of his shirt, exposing his cut abs, and wipes his brow with the material. Oh my with chocolate on top. That was just beautiful. — Katie McGarry

'Now I've tasted chocolate I'm not going back'. That's a great line. That's not me, that's all the writing. I mean it's like it doesn't matter who plays it, it's a great role. It's such a funny, tongue in cheek kind of great role. — Amanda Bynes

She'd call us her bee-utiful girls and take us for hot chocolate on Mondays, because Fridays didn't deserve all the attention. It was funny. I used to think of myself as a Monday and Ellen as a Friday. But Mondays and Fridays were just twenty-four-hour stretches of time with different names. — Julie Murphy

When you're out in the wilderness and get back to base camp only to discover sleeping bag turndown service ... .that's no chocolate on the pillow — Josh Stern

It would be like a cleansing diet. The problem was, the only diet I'd ever been on backfired. Once I tried to go an entire month without chocolate. Not one bite. At the end of two weeks, I broke down and binged on more chocolate that I would have eaten in three months. I hoped my chocolate-free diet didn't foreshadow what would happen if I tried to avoid Patch. — Becca Fitzpatrick

Frosting was his favorite. He liked to eat doughnuts at every meal. Because it was healthier to eat six small meals a day than three large ones, he restricted himself: jellied for breakfast, glazed for brunch, cream-filled for lunch, frosting for linner, chocolate for dinner, and powdered sugar for 2 a.m. supermarket stakeout. Because linner coincided with the daily crime peak, he always ate his favorite variety to ease him. Frosting was his only choice now, and upsetting his routine was a quiet thrill. — Benson Bruno

You're not the only one in this relationship who loves a
challenge," he says. "And just so you know for the future, I like my double-chocolate chip
cookies warm and soft in the middle ... and without magnets glued to them. — Simone Elkeles

If a problem can be solved, there is nothing to worry about. If it can't be solved, well you can always buy chocolate — Pablo

One more month," he said finally. "And then they - and Samuel, too - will just have to get used to it. His eye is the color of a bitch with dark chocolate, worst few years and he leaned forward. "And you will marry me."
I smiled, showing my teeth. "Don't you mean, 'will you marry me?'"
I meant it to be funny, but his eyes brightened until the gold flecks were swimming in the darkness. "You had your chance to run, coyote. It's too late now. — Patricia Briggs

Sip tea and coffee with those who say you can,
politely stuff with cookies any who say you cannot.
Because the stuff they are feeding you, be it the latter,
looks strangely a bit like the little chocolate chips. — Tom Althouse

But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards. — J.K. Rowling

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique. — Mitch Hedberg

What's it like? Ballet school?"
"Harsh," he said. "Everyone dances until they collapse. We eat only raw-egg smoothies and wheat protein. Every Friday we have a dance-off and whoever is left standing gets a chocolate bar. Also we have to watch dance movies constantly. — Cassandra Clare

The fish is that perfect, amazing guy it can never work out with - you know, a bird and a fish may fall in love - but where would they live? . . . So the fish is your total dream guy, he's smart, he's handsome, he gets all your jokes, he loves to talk, he gives you a nine-hour orgasm and then makes you homemade chocolate chip pancakes and serves you breakfast in bed - but he lives all the way across the country and neither of you can move, or he's married, or next in line for the throne, or he has a terminal disease or something . . . the fish. — Lisa Daily

Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty. — Carl Hiaasen

I don't know why small chocolates are called fun-sized; I mean, if I called a midget fun-sized, they'd kick off. — Karl Pilkington

Research tells us that fourteen out of any ten individuals like chocolate. — Sandra Boynton

Hey," Shane said from the other side of the bars. "Trade you cigarettes for a chocolate bar."
Funny," Eve said. She was almost back to her old unGothed self again, though there were still red splotches on her cheeks and around her eyes. "How come you're always behind bars, troublemaker?"
Look who's talking. I didn't try to outrun the cops in a hearse."
That hearse had horsepower." Eve got that moony look in her eyes again. "I love that hearse. — Rachel Caine

Shay opened his palm, a Hershey's Kiss rested in his hand.
Mason winked at him. 'Welcome to the table, man. I hope you survive.'
'I think I'll manage.' He turned the silver-wrapped chocolate in his fingers. 'Thanks for this. There's nothing quite like a really good kiss.'
His mouth crinkled in a smile and he cast me a sidelong glance, making my toes curl. — Andrea Cremer

This time I don't want to be my own mother. I make a decision, take the entire bag of chocolate to my bedroom and flip on the light to read a book. Next thing I know, the sun is up, the book is on my chest, there is melted chocolate on my cheek and I have a sugar hangover. I should have listened to the mother me. — Andrea Partee

Speaking of cupcakes, Will wants two dozen off your special menu to take on the road after the wedding."
"The, erm, peach kind?"
"The peach kind," Lindsey said.
"I like the peach kind," Josh said.
Mikey had named them Sex on a Peach. And they were Kimmie's second biggest seller, after the Hairy Dicks, which were coconut cake balls strategically placed with Dahlia's chocolate-covered, ice cream-filled bananas.
And Josh's frown had disappeared, and now he was grinning as if he knew it.
All of it. — Jamie Farrell

Mooooon!" said the Ogre. "Tranquility ... " Then he pointed at the full moon. "Neil Armstrong walked in a sea of Tranquility." Then he added, "It's made of cheese. But you have to take off the plastic before you put it on a burger."
Mickey sighed.
"What's his story?" the wraith asked.
"He's chocolate," Mikey said. — Neal Shusterman

What turns an honest, good-looking guy like you into a theif?"
Scott couldn't help but smirk.
"I blame chocolate. — Geoffrey Knight

I had no idea what time it was, but I felt boneless and it would take an act of God to get me out of this bed. Or chocolate. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals. — Robert Orben

He sauntered to the counter. "What can I do for you?"
The red bandana he wore held back the hair that typically covered his eyes. I loved his eyes. Chocolate-brown, full of mischief and a spark ready to light the world on fire. "Can I have a glass of water, please?" And please let it be free.
"Is that it?"
My stomach growled, loud enough for Noah to hear. "Yep, that's it."
He fixed me a glass and handed it to me. "Are you sure you wouldn't like a burger? A nice thick burger on a toasted bun with salty fries on the side?"
I sucked on my straw, gulping the ice water down. Funny, water didn't give me that warm, fuzzy, full feeling like a burger and fries would. "I'm fine, thank you."
"Suit yourself. You see that nice-looking piece of meat right there?" He motioned to the patty frying. The aroma made my mouth water. — Katie McGarry

Well, first I tried just telling her the truth. That if you kiss her, you'll die. She started crying hysterically."
"Oh, good thinking," I say, lifting the cup of hot chocolate to my mouth. Why hadn't I thought of that right off?
"Yeeeah, turns out not so much. I thought that might have worked since, you know, she's supposedly in love with you, but then being a total psychopath and all, she started blubbering, 'I'd rather have one perfect passionate kiss with Haden and lose him forever, than to have never kissed him at all.'"
I almost choke on a sip of hot chocolate. It burns my throat. — Bree Despain

I might be able to walk away from sexy, dangerous shifters, but chocolate had me at its beck and call. — Meghan Ciana Doidge

For some reason, he didn't want her to look back at him with rejection or reciprocal challenge. He definitely didn't want her to look at him as if she was mentally gauging her ability to kill him to defend herself. He wanted her to look at him like she looked at his chocolate, as if she was absorbing strength and happiness. And was in no hurry to leave it. It turned his heart all funny to think of being — Laura Florand

Other things are just food. But chocolate's chocolate. — Patrick Skene Catling

She never wanted an extravagant life-- only one filled with simple joys like children, family, friendship, good books, funny jokes, and a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream. — S.A. Huchton

I mean if there was any justice in the world you wouldn't even have to go to school during your period. You'd just stay home for five days and eat chocolate and cry. — Andrea Portes

I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled". — Demetri Martin

Kid, time's up," Hunter said to the boy on Santa's lap.
"I'm not finished!" the boy cried.
Hunter bent over, until their faces were level. The kid reminded him of Cupid,whose chubby face hid a diabolical brain intent on replacing Santa as the most beloved holiday figure. Hunter had lost more than one of his platoon members after they were lured into Cupid's boiling pots of
chocolate. He'd learned not to trust kids.
"If you don't want me to slip you a poison gumdrop in your sleep, get off Santa's lap," Hunter whispered.
The boy burst into tears.
"Next!" Hunter barked. — Lizzy Ford

The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate. — David Sedaris

Love is just a chocolate substitute. — Melanie Clark Pullen

I wish the Fallen would just come to us for a change."
Ironically, Fallen Angels dropped from the sky and surrounded us.
"I wish I had a chocolate cake!" I exclaimed, staring up.
No cake appeared, though I did get a few wry glances. Andrew's body shook with silent laughter while Lucia gave
me raised eyebrows.
"What? It worked for the Fallen Angels. — Laura Kreitzer

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already. — Dave Barry

God will break California from the surface of the continent like someone breaking off a piece of chocolate. It will become its own floating paradise of underweight movie stars and dot-commers, like a fat-free Atlantis with superfast Wi-Fi. — Laura Ruby

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes." — Steven Wright

Here is my prescription to heal all wounds. Watch the film 'Funny Girl' at least five times, eat at least 45 chocolate bars, and hang out with all those friends you blew off to hang out with your ex. I truly believe that, through a combination of Nutella, old pals and Barbra Streisand, we can achieve happiness and, very probably, world peace. — Beth Ditto

I silently wished to be a car-I was big enough to be one. I wanted to imagine myself purring every time Devin got inside me and took me for a ride. Unfortunately, all I could see was me drunk with chocolate smeared across my face singing the Transformer's intro "Robots in Disguise!" into Shannon's broken box fan. — Tabatha Vargo