Funny Cheese Quotes & Sayings

I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too. — Mitch Hedberg

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese. — Zach Galifianakis

Dear Fly,

I love you. If you are a mouse I am cheese. If you are a cat I am a mouse. You are a fly, so I want to be shit. — Casey Scieszka

Come on, big guy. Let's hit the showers."

Cael patted Ash's chest and walked off. Ash followed, but not before shoving Dex. He grinned when Dex fell into Taylor, his cheese snacks soaring through the air and hitting the carpet.

"My Cheesy Doodles!" Dex dropped to his hands and knees. "Noooooo! They were so young. So delicious. — Charlie Cochet

I have a bad feeling about this," she said.
"We'll fake it. And if push comes to shove, we can just sing Goober Peas and waltz around."
"Rebecca might not find that very funny."
"Rebecca is a Northerner. You can tell because there aren't any cheese straws on the snack table. — Mary Jane Hathaway

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips. — Mitch Hedberg

When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said 'You wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!' — George Lopez

Whenever you go out to eat you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings ... and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much." — Jim Gaffigan

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End ... ' — Tim Vine

Want a little cheese with that whine, maestro? — Madeleine Urban

If she moved her head all the way up against the wall and tilted it to the left she could just see the edge of the moon through the bars. Just a silver sliver, almost close enough to eat. A sliver of cheese, a sliver of cake, a cup of tea to be polite. Someone had given her a cup of tea once, someone with blue-green eyes and long ears. Funny how she couldn't remember his face, though. All that part was hazy, her memory of him wrapped in smoke but for the eyes and ears. And the ears were long and furry. — Christina Henry

I want to change my life ... except I sort of like it. I mean, I couldn't be more delighted every Monday night after Fletch goes to bed when I come downstairs, pull up the Bachelor on TiVo, drink Riesling, and eat cheddar/port wine Kaukauna cheese without freakign out over fat grams. I'm perpetually in a good mood because I do everything I want. I love having the freedom to skip the gym to watch a Don Knots movie on the Disney Channel without a twinge of guilt. I've figured out how to not be beholden to what other people believe I should be doing, and when the world tells me I ought to be a size eight, I can thumb my nose at them in complete empowerment. — Jen Lancaster

when the cheese belongs to the mitten take the horns off the roller coaster — Zach Peterson

I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! — Mitch Hedberg

I'd like a cheese Bunza. French fries. A Dr Pepper --"

"Oh, you're a Pepper?"

"Yeah, I'm a Pepper. Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper, too?"

I can't help but laugh at this guy. He's actually funny. Kind of a surprise. I thought maybe he'd just be some hot lug-head jerk. But this? This is unfair.

"And a shake."

"Really?"

"Yeah. A shake. Instead of Dr Pepper. Oh ... and you. I'd like a date with you. Saturday night. — Andrea Portes

Yes, I direct commercials as well. I get these really weird offers and then I have to bid on them and win the job. One offer that I have now, and I've already done this last year for the same company, is for Cash Value Cheese, this cheese out in the midwest. I did two spots for them last year and I'm going to probably do three this year. I also did some for the Utah Transit Authority, which was weird and interesting and they turned out really funny - they actually won an award. — Andy Dick

Y are you called the cheese man? — Barbara Park

Whoever invented spray cheese had to have been a Harvard guy. — Seth MacFarlane

You didn't take part, Benjamin?" Gunther asked, as he passed me a plate of cheese and cold meat.
"My brother doesn't play games," said Paul. "He's an aesthete. He sat by the window all afternoon with a funny look on his face: probably composing a tone poem. — Jonathan Coe

You know what they say, Two pairs a company, cheese a croud — Annoying Orange

I pondered what else I should take for him. Flowers seemed wrong; they're a love token, after all. I looked in the fridge, and popped a packet of cheese slices into the bag. All men like cheese. — Gail Honeyman

Nobody should have to put their boxers in a half rotted chest of drawers."
"Hey. I'll have you know that the rustic look is very popular in the burbs."
"Rustic?" Chase snorted. "Is that your way of saying termite infested?"
"This furniture does not have termites. Mice maybe, even moths, but not termites."
"Great, I can look forward to having a swiss cheese wardrobe. — Adrienne Wilder

If cheese was a woman, I'd marry her. I'd come home and eat her every night. — Solange Nicole

But he saw a rare determination in Haley's eyes. I can trust Haley's judgement, he told himself, even as he remembered how Haley had eaten that cheddar with the mold growing on it two weeks before.

Cheese and people are not the same. — Kit Alloway

Cooking? Oh we were great, you'd take anything and melt cheese on it, and the one who could guess what it was didn't have to wash up! — Dylan Moran

Hey,' he said, touching my waist. 'Hey. It's okay.' I nodded and wiped my face with the back of my hand. 'He sucks.' I nodded again. 'I'll write you an epilogue,' Gus said. That made me cry harder. 'I will,' he said. 'I will. Better than any sh*t that drunk could write. His brain is Swiss cheese. He doesn't even remember writing the book. I can write ten times the story that guy can. There will be blood and guts and sacrifice. An Imperial Affliction meets The Prince of Dawn. You'll love it.' I kept nodding, faking a smile, and then he hugged me, his strong arms pulling me into his muscular chest, and I sogged up his polo shirt a little but then recovered enough to speak. — John Green

Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. It's the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!" — Mitch Hedberg

Mooooon!" said the Ogre. "Tranquility ... " Then he pointed at the full moon. "Neil Armstrong walked in a sea of Tranquility." Then he added, "It's made of cheese. But you have to take off the plastic before you put it on a burger."
Mickey sighed.
"What's his story?" the wraith asked.
"He's chocolate," Mikey said. — Neal Shusterman

Aunt Elizabeth said, 'Do you expect to attend many balls, if I may ask?' and I said, 'Yes, when I am rich and famous.' and Aunt Elizabeth said, 'Yes, when the moon is made of green cheese. — L.M. Montgomery

I was one of those. I meddled with dark powers. I
summoned demons. I ate the entire little cheese, including the rind. — Patrick Rothfuss

With Michael Jackson, what I thought was really interesting was the people saying: 'He looked really well in that final video.' I was, like: 'No, he didn't - he looked like someone had melted goat's cheese over a sex doll.' — Russell Howard

The first time someone asked me if I was pregnant, I was eating friend cheese at the Summit County Fair — Olive B. Persimmon

Funny thing about life, it's so easy to view it from the outside in. We can see the exact point where our friends fuck up, do the wrong thing, are blind to what's right in front of them. As in, why the fuck won't they just listen to us and take our advice instead of bumbling all over the place? We watch horror movies and know when to shout at the dumb girl who goes in the basement to investigate that noise; we revel in her stupidity, feel superior to it. If it were us, we assure ourselves, we wouldn't be so stupid. Sure we would; we just wouldn't realize the danger. Because the truth is, we're walking deaf, dumb, and blind half of the time. And even though I can tell myself this afterward, after I fuck up, it doesn't make me feel any better. Because I'm about to do a fuck up royale. With cheese. — Kristen Callihan

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. — Mitch Hedberg

Mama operated under the assumption that I was eight years old and incapable of feeding myself. It was physically impossible for her to cross my threshold without some form of nourishment. She once offered me cheese and crackers from her while we were standing in my kitchen. — Molly Harper

Cheese runners shouted at it, tried to grab it, and flailed at it with sticks, but the piratical cheese scythed onward, reaching the bottom just ahead of the terrible carnage of men and cheeses as they piled up. Then it rolled back to the top and sat there demurely while still gently vibrating.
At the bottom of the slope, fights were breaking out among the cheese jockeys who were still capable of punching somebody, and since everybody was watching that, Tiffany took the opportunity to snatch up Horace and shove him in her bag. After all, he was hers. Well, that was to say she had made him, although something odd must have gone into the mix since Horace was the only cheese that would eat mice and, if you didn't nail him down, other cheeses as well. — Terry Pratchett

I feel cheesy when I see 'Silver Spoons.' Some of it was funny, but some of it was just cheese! My kids love it, but I look at it and cringe. — Ricky Schroder

I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm ... I'm hungry actually. — Kristen Schaal

I turn to our father, searching for an ally. "So Dad, is it legal for Bronte to date out of her species?"
Dad looks up from his various layers of pepperoni and breadless cheese. "Date?" he says. Apparently the idea of Bronte dating is like an electromagnet sucking away all other words in the sentence, so that's the only word he hears.
"You're not funny," Bronte says to me.
"No, I'm serious," I tell her. "Isn't he like ... a Sasquatch or something?"
"Date?" says Dad. — Neal Shusterman

Orion nodded, then asked, "Dwarf cheese?"
"Cheese made by dwarfs."
"Oh," said Orion, relieved. "They make it. It's not actually ... "
"No. What a horrible thought."
"Exactly. — Eoin Colfer

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish. — Bill Bailey

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. — Steven Wright

I'm as poor as a church mouse, that's just had an enormous tax bill on the very day his wife ran off with another mouse, taking all the cheese. — Rowan Atkinson

I think cheese smells funny, but I feel bananas 'are' funny. I'm assuming Swamp told the whole story of the executives seriously asking us to replace the banana with cheese because they thought it was funnier. — Joe Murray

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. — Steven Wright

You're not eating the cheese, Frank says accusingly. And you're fucking my mom, I want to say back. — Lauren Barnholdt

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza. — Jimmy Carr

I'm an appalling cook. I can just about create a glass of orange juice and a ham-and-cheese sandwich. — Dara O Briain

Ish #1 It's not your mama's macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles. — Regina Griffin