Crack Me Up Funny Quotes & Sayings

Someday you'll meet people who are actually on crack and you won't think that's a super funny thing to say. — Patrick Stump

The fact that I'm shouting that I have Gangnam style makes people crack up. Imagine if Brad Pitt was singing the song - would it be funny? A twist is important when it comes to writing lyrics. — Psy

It's the cushiest job, but some lines are so funny that I crack up. — Dan Castellaneta

You know, I think some people fear that if they like the wrong kind of book, it will reflect poorly on them. It can go with genre, too. Somebody will say, "I won't read science fiction, or I won't read young adult novels" - all of those genres can become prisons. I always find it funny when the serious literary world will make a little crack in its wall and allow in one pet genre writer and crown them and say, "Well Elmore Leonard is actually a real writer." Or "Stephen King is actually a really good writer." Generally speaking, you know you're being patronized when somebody uses the word "actually — Elizabeth Gilbert

I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open — Jim Norton

I'm not a comedian. I'm not a show host. I'm a musician. That's why I've turned down offers to host the Grammy Awards and the American Music Awards. Is it really entertaining for me to get up there and crack a few weak jokes and force people to laugh because I'm Michael Jackson, when I know in my heart that I'm not funny? — Michael Jackson

Dwarfs were not a naturally religious species, but in a world where pit props could crack without warning and pockets of fire damp could suddenly explode they'd seen the need for gods as the sort of supernatural equivalent of a hard hat. Besides, when you hit your thumb with an eight-pound hammer it's nice to be able to blaspheme. It takes a very special and strong-minded kind of atheist to jump up and down with their hand clasped under their other armpit and shout, "Oh, random-fluctuations-in-the-space-time-continuum!" or "Aaargh, primitive-and-outmoded-concept on a crutch! — Terry Pratchett

Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway? — Dave Chappelle

Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck. — Cassandra Clare

Setne laughed. "Nice try, dol. You guys sit tight. If you make it through the big shake-up, I'll come
back and get you. Maybe you can be my jesters or something. You two crack me up! But in the
meantime, I'm afraid we're done here. No miracle's gonna drop from the sky and save you."
A rectangle of darkness appeared in the air just above the ghost's head. Sadie dropped out of it.
I'll say this for my sister: she has great timing, and she's quick on the draw. She crashed into the ghost
and sent him sprawling. — Rick Riordan

He had no one but himself to blame, for he'd opened himself up to it. Just a fraction at first, like a crack in a window. But the funny thing was, once
you welcomed in a breeze, there was no stopping what came next. A wind, a storm, thunder and lightning, until you could no longer reach the
window to close it - and didn't really want to anyway. That's what this new darkness was. Evil in its purest form ...
-Paris — Gena Showalter

But then again, they
were like baby Einsteins on crack. — Jennifer L. Armentrout

Bricks are independent but can work well with other, tough to crack, fiercely loyal and put in the right spot will hold anything and everything that you've ever held dear with the greatest of ease. — Nicole McKay

I would never do crack ... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay? — Denis Leary

One thing that's really delightful is my books tend to attract people who are funny, so I get the benefit of people writing me with things that crack me up. — Christopher Moore

Oh Lola's Boobs,' he says into my chest, 'I wish we knew each other better.'
I crack up laughing.
'What's that you say?' he jokes, putting his ear to my right breast. 'You wish you could come out to play more often but Lola doesn't let you? Well, that's a shame. — Bianca Giovanni

He's a very funny and very nice man. When you read the script, you want to stick with it. But when you're with Eddie Murphy you've got to improvise. He's always making jokes and making me crack up when the camera's on. — Raven-Symone

I hate when someone keep on asking me to guess even after I failed to crack twice! — Nelson Jack

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95. — Chris Rock

A rap at the back door made her jump, and she peered through the window for a long time before she eased open the door a crack. She left the security chain on. 'What do you want, Richard?'
Richard Morrell's police cruiser was parked in the drive. He hadn't flashed any lights or howled any sirens, so she supposed it wasn't an emergency, exactly. But she knew him well enough to know he didn't pay social visits, at least not to the Glass House.
'Good question,' Richard said. 'I guess I want a nice girl who can cook, likes action movies, and looks good in short skirts. But I'll settle for you taking the chain off the door and letting me in. — Rachel Caine

I love doing comedy. I find comedy quite hard work. Comedy's underrated, I think, by actors, you know? It's difficult to get it right and get it funny. I really enjoy doing it. I kind of wish I'd done it more. I can't complain. I've had a fair crack of the whip. — Ralph Brown

Did you hear about the rose that grew from a crack in the concrete? Proving nature's laws wrong, it learned to walk without having feet. Funny, it seems to by keeping it's dreams; it learned to breathe fresh air. Long live the rose that grew from concrete when no one else even cared. — Tupac Shakur

The people who are best at telling jokes tend to have more health problems than the people laughing at them. A study of Finnish police officers found that those who were seen as funniest smoked more, weighed more, and were at greater risk of cardiovascular disease than their peers [10]. Entertainers typically die earlier than other famous people [11], and comedians exhibit more "psychotic traits" than others [12]. So just as there's research to back up the conventional wisdom on laughter's curative powers, there also seems to be truth to the stereotype that funny people aren't always having much fun. It might feel good to crack others up now and then, but apparently the audience gets the last laugh. — Anonymous

Any other town you go to there's this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder. A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there's like a devil and a devil and they're just battling it out the whole time. It's like, "Smoke some crack!" "Get a hooker!" And then I go, "YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright! — Bill Burr

What's so funny?" "You freak out when I disappear and reappear, but you expect me to stop time." She laughed, too. "But why can't you? You're a god." "Like I said, we have more responsibilities than freedoms. I doubt even Zeus could pull that one off." From high above, a streak of light flew from the sky and struck a boulder not twenty feet from where they lay, sending sparks and smoke and a loud crack in all directions in the echoing valley. The boulder was split in half and was as black as coal. "Holy crap!" Therese cried, falling against Than. "What was that?" "Oops. My apologies," he muttered, but it didn't sound like he was talking to her. "I made someone angry." "That scared me to death. Does that happen often?" "No. Never to me. But this is an exceptional time in my life. — Eva Pohler

I like it when very little children think for themselves, because they do not have access to car keys or credit cards or crack pipes, but they have some really funny lines. — Roseanne Barr

Who's there?"
"The scratcher of your itch," he said.
She opened the door a crack and stuck her nose out. "Was that supposed to be romantic? — Jill Shalvis

Life is a gamble, we scramble for money,
I might crack a smile, but ain't a damn thing funny. — Prodigy

I just thought everybody lived around abandoned buildings and crack-heads, ... I lived in the ghetto until I was like 19. I came to Los Angeles, stayed at hotels and stuff. When I got back and I saw what my neighborhood looked like, I started getting scared. — Chris Rock

U.S. Presedent Barack Sadam Husene Obame sit in the darkened Oval Ofice at 2 a.m. wearing hes traditienel Kenyan roabe.
He take one last bite of the Chicago style deep dish pizza that he has flown to him every day on the Amerecan tax payer's dime and wipe the grease off his mouth with the U.S. consititutien.
He get up and walk to desk, where he keeps the Kenyan black magic crystle ball. Its black glow iluminate his face.
"Eeny, meeny, miney, mo - which basic U.S. freedoms are next to go?" he say aloud to no one and every one at the same time.
Then he flash that trade mark Bary Obame million doller grin as a crack of lightning sound in the distence. — Seinfeld 2000

Funny word, that: "fault." As in San Andreas. The crack through which one world intersects with the next, or vice versa. This crack in my head, still gaping open--a magnet, a haematoma, a dark and spreading pool. A cigarette-burn hole in the fabric of everything I see, or hear, or do; right in the middle, impossible to mend, impossible to disguise. Impossible to ignore. — Gemma Files

Let's see that wrist."
I held it out, and Chase's jaw tightened.
"Look at that!" the medic shouted, staring over my shoulder behind us. The moment I turned my head he grabbed my hand and jerked it toward him, hard.
A crack as the bones in my wrist realigned. — Kristen Simmons

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen." — Frank Carson

The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow. Where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I don't grow corn. Get up at the crack of noon, make sure there's no corn growing. I'm gonna get up early tomorrow. And not plow. You know, we used to not grow tomatoes-but there's more money in not growing corn." — Brian Regan