Comedy Quotes Quotes & Sayings

All real estate agents should be put on a decommissioned naval frigate which is then towed out into the deepest part of the Atlantic and sunk. It's rather unfortunate that, in recent years, real estate agents have become comedy betes-noires. Rather like lawyers or used car salesmen. Every time they mention their job they probably get people amusingly making the sign of the cross at them or are subjected to some good-natured, humorous ribbing. This has the effect of distorting what I'm trying to say here, which isn't in the nature of a smiling roll of the eyes and a "Tsk, real estate agents, eh?" but rather "All real estate agents should be put on a decommissioned naval frigate which is then towed out into the deepest part of the Atlantic and sunk. — Mil Millington

Philadelphia is just the tip of the Pittsburgh. — The Covert Comic

That was 1993 grunge in suburbia. This was 2003 hell in Harlem. (Dark City Lights) — Eve Kagan

With his blond hair, broad shoulders, and perpetual tan,
Bryce looked like a California underwear model. Not that I'd thought about him in his underwear.
Much. — Chris Cannon

They did it quite a lot after that first encounter" ... when Jill remembers first meeting the dashing Baron. — Lisa McKnight

I sneak quietly up the stairs and toward my door. It's not very late, but I don't want to arouse Cyclops Eye next door. I've stopped looking as I walk past, but it's difficult not to notice her window open just a few inches and her sitting right next to it, ready at a moment's notice to give me her big one-eyed look. Maybe I should get her a monocle for Christmas, so she can make more of a statement. — J.C. Patrick

By the standards of a tourist strolling past looking for a quick lunch, the place was a dive. The sign on the window was small and easy to miss, and the antique feel of the place wasn't the prepackaged, old-shit-on-the-wall nostalgia that came with so many chain restaurants. The cafe was just old, and everything about it said old. But Jon liked it that way, if only because it kept the tourists away and spared him from hearing imported ignorance when there was plenty of local ignorance to go around. — Scott B. Pruden

I gotta go but... I miss you. That's all."
"I miss you too", I say hugging my body tightly with the sleeves of his shirt.
This... Is falling. — Ginger Scott

Daisy doesn't even go to his funeral, Nick and Jordan part ways, and Daisy ends up sticking with racist Tom ... you can tell Fitzgerald never took the time to look up at clouds during sunset, because there's no silver lining at the end of that book, let me tell you.
I do see why Nikki likes the novel, as it's written so well. But her liking it makes me worry now that Nikki really doesn't believe in silver linings, because she says The Great Gatsby is the greatest novel ever written by an American, and yet it ends so sadly. One thing's for sure, Nikki is going to be very proud of me when I tell her I finally read her favorite book. -Silver Linings Playbook, p. 9 — Matthew Quick

The train hit her with the sound of a meat-filled hefty bag smacking the pavement, and the effect was much the same, I guess. (Dark City Lights) — Warren Moore

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA. — The Covert Comic

The Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already. — The Covert Comic

Do short people reach their full potential quicker? — Benny Bellamacina

If you are reading this, I'm dead. Don't celebrate too much. Jesus is watching. — Katie Graykowski

The real mystery isn't what's under the redaction mark, but what's above it. — The Covert Comic

Tragedy is actually untimely comedy — Adhish Mazumder

Secret 7591.42.21. Avoiding weasel words in your intelligence analysis isn't easy when your intelligence analysis is about weasels. — The Covert Comic

That's because those pages got torn to shreds when you left, now you both are in different chapters. He wants you - like always, and you want the hot guy down the street. Typical Frankie and Brody style. You guys dance one wild tango, if you ask me. — A.M. Willard

Every Friday is black where I work. — The Covert Comic

This isn't where I intended to be. Killing a person has a funny way of getting your life off-track. — Erin Mitchell

He stares at me, not saying a word. I stare right back, lost in his eyes and determined to get my point across. If he wants to have a staring contest, he'll lose, hands down. I know a good thing when I see it. — J.C. Patrick

No one ever thinks about the guy who was raised by the guy who was raised by wolves. — Demetri Martin

Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks? — Homer Simpson

The ultimate downfall of the computerized holographic receptionist was that there was no amount of flattery, flirtation or chocolate that could convince one to lie for you. — Scott B. Pruden

The comedy of the wicked,
Is the tragedy of the saint;
But the saint's comedy,
Is the wicked's remedy. — Stephan Attia

This is what my high school life had become - a horror show of epic, mind-fuck proportions. — G.G. Silverman

The old Janey only drank cheap wine and light beer. The new Janey is classy, prefers cocktails, and even drinks alone. — J.C. Patrick

HELEN HAYES: "Which part of The Divine Comedy do you like the most, Tiziano?"
TIZIANO CONTI: "The fifth Canto."
HELEN HAYES: "The Hell, huh?"
TIZIANO CONTI: "L'inferno depicts the truth. — Merce Cardus

If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I'm printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me! — The Covert Comic

If you drink anymore, you're going to be positively flammable. — Michaela Haze

Even as zombies, ridiculous prom gowns were the downfall of teenage girls, crippling them at the knees. — G.G. Silverman

OTHER lives may find their happiest moments infiltrated with tragedy, and their proudest touched with comedy. This had almost invariably been true of mine. My proudest hour found me, the newly elected president of the United Nations, perched atop three thick New York City telephone books given me in lieu of a cushion that I might see and be seen by the delegates below the podium. — Carlos P. Romulo

It's early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I'm thankful. I'm happy. My cup runneth over. Now there's coffee everywhere. — Mindy Levy

Human life is an incongruous combination of tragedy and comedy. — Kilroy J. Oldster

Goodbyes are not forever. They are always partnered with see you again. — Mathilda Maldita

And in the vine of the divine,
There is a fine line;
Between tragedy and comedy,
That a man cannot define. — Stephan Attia

Good man and bad man with money goes a long ways." ~ Amunhotep El Bey — Amunhotep El Bey

Thank God it wasn't beef jerky, or I might've ended up dead."

"The President's Neighbor" a comedy script by Brett Bacon. — Brett Bacon

I wanna leave this world better than I found it. I have the ability to draw people to my comedy shows so I wanna use that blessing not to make money but to make a difference. — Carlos Wallace

Real comedy is not when you laugh at an idiot, it's when the idiot laughs at you. — Raheel Farooq

The first rule of book club - is that nobody wants to talk about book club. — Douglas Lewis

Otis," I said.

"Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis."

"I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay."

Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam. — Rick Riordan

I'd rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time. — The Covert Comic

Get up every day and consider the stage you're on. Only you can decide whether it will be a tragedy, a comedy or a drama. — Maryln Schwartz

Paradigm shift: does that come before swing shift or after? — The Covert Comic

The dimension of space and time, represented by what is transpiring in the here and now, is all that we will ever know. Unlike the continuum of perpetual time and infinite space, everything that we know will experience disruption, dissolution, disintegration, dismemberment, and death. The inevitability of our ending represents the tragic comedy of life. Much of our needless suffering emanates from resisting our impermanence rather than embracing our fate. Only through acceptance of the events and situations that occur in a person's life including suffering, and by releasing our attachments, will a person ever experience enlightenment. — Kilroy J. Oldster

...your heart spoke for you. You gave up everything for me. — Camilla Isley

Ah, like how Sharon Parker's bra kind of found its way into your locker?"
He leaned in, resting his elbows on the table. "Are you going to constantly bring these things up the entire time we're dating?"
"Sorry. Just using my prior knowledge to try and gauge what kind of fake boyfriend you're going to make."
"Well, if your bitterness is any indication of the kind of fake girlfriend you're going to be, I won't hold my breath for you to fake put out. — Jennifer Shirk

Secret 3963. It's only a sucking chest wound if you're not the shooter. — The Covert Comic

The dimple in his left cheek was ironic-it gave the impression that he was sweet as a cupcake. (Dark City Lights) — Elaine Kagan

Nothing helps your partner keep his mind on Jesus more than having a sign of His love tanned on your primary erogenous zones. — Scott B. Pruden

Today I feel like I did tomorrow. — Carroll Bryant

Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads? — The Covert Comic

He was not at the moment in very good odour at Bow Street. Such epithets as Blockhead and Blunderer had been used in connection with his last case. 'Jeremiah Stubbs, miss,' said the Runner. 'I am here in the execution of my dooty. — Georgette Heyer

For a split second, I wondered if he were some type of sexy sorcerer, who was able to remove my clothing by the force of his will alone. I squeezed my eyes shut and focused on the buttons of his shirt, willing them to pop off.
It didn't work. Then again, it was pretty hard to focus while he was touching me, so maybe under different circumstances, I too could be a sexy sorcerer. Watch out world. — M.C. Lavocat

We all say and do things we regret, but it's never to late to change, apologize and become a better person — Thomas Amo

Only criminals and madmen walk into Central Park after midnight...or, occasionally, an actor. (Dark City Lights) — Jane Dentinger

Life is a tragedy for those who feel ... but a comedy for those who think — Brenda Walpole

I'd eat a picnic in Hades with him. — Kristen Ashley

I've got more faith in my shotgun than any man, that's for sure. — Kerrelyn Sparks

Displacement of 'What goes around, comes around' is Zero. — Gaurav Rao

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick. — Carroll Bryant

The photographer is now charging real beasts, beleaguered and too rare to kill. Guns have metamorphosed into cameras in this earnest comedy, the ecology safari, because nature has ceased to be what it always had been - what people needed protection from. Now nature - tamed, endangered, mortal - needs to be protected from people. When we are afraid, we shoot. But when we are nostalgic, we take pictures. — Susan Sontag

Where have all the Fembots gone? — Ren Garcia