Carlin George Quotes & Sayings

I was a huge fan of comedy and movies and TV growing up, and I was able to memorize and mimic a lot of things, not realizing that that meant I probably wanted to be an actor. I just really, really amused myself and my friends with memorizing entire George Carlin or Steve Martin albums. — Hank Azaria

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't ... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe ... same as the voodoo lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same ... so just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself ... — George Carlin

More people write poetry than read it. — George Carlin

Shopping and buying and getting and having comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing. — George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. — George Carlin

All Christian religions are outer-directed. "Who can I convert?" "Let's go to this country and make them Christians." "Wear this." "Do that." "No, don't worship that way. Worship this way or I'll kill you - for the good of your soul, of course." Meanwhile, followers of Eastern religions are sitting in the middle of their minds, experiencing a bliss and a level of consciousness that Western man can't begin to approach. — George Carlin

I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism. It's so shortsighted. Most people are interested in their own personal comfort. I've said that about environmentalists. I think they care about bike paths and places to park their Volvos, not the planet as an abstraction. — George Carlin

Voting is a meaningless exercise. I'm not going to waste my time with it. These parties, these politicians are given to us as a way of making us feel we have freedom of choice. But we don't. Everything is done to you in this country. — George Carlin

I don't see much of a future for this planet. I think it's a cursed planet. The boundaries we've drawn between nations and the profit motive - those two factors have, in my opinion, brought us to the point where almost nothing can stop the utter destruction of the environment and all our earthly life-support systems. — George Carlin

Something is wrong. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, crime, torture, corruption and the ice capades. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. This is not what you expect to find on the resume of a supreme being. It's what you expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. — George Carlin

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread. — George Carlin

Most of the note-taking happens while I'm watching television. It's a broad window on the world, and a lot of things are already established in my mind as things I say, things that I'm interested in, things that are fodder for my [stand-up] machine. And when I see something that relates to one of them, I know it instantly and if it's a further exaggeration and a further addition, or an exception - if it plays into furthering my purpose, I jot it down. — George Carlin

Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs. — George Carlin

A pear is a failed apple. — George Carlin

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side? — George Carlin

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me. — George Carlin

No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it. — George Carlin

Hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing ... you're doing hard work. — George Carlin

Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us. — George Carlin

To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the
existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far
more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped
and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the
world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced
military and civilian radar operators.>> — George Carlin

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed. — George Carlin

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer. — George Carlin

Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole. — George Carlin

You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it. — George Carlin

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate. — George Carlin

What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air. — George Carlin

And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good. — George Carlin

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff. — George Carlin

Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down. — George Carlin

Now, some people do this for shock value. Shock is just another uptown word for surprise. Granted it has a different quality to it, but a joke is about surprising someone. I'm a great believer in context. You can joke about anything. I do like finding out where the line is drawn, deliberately crossing it and bringing some of them with me across the line, and having them be happy that I did. — George Carlin

The first thing I said to myself on 9/11 was, 'There go our civil rights.' I found out by comparing notes later that George Carlin and I both said that at the exact same time. That's the first thing that popped into our head. — Penn Jillette

On Thanksgiving, you realize you're living in a modern world. Millions of turkeys baste themselves in millions of ovens that clean themselves. — George Carlin

I became a guy who wanted to be a comedian someday, or a comic actor. The way I put it was, I'll be like Danny Kaye. He was kind of the model I had in mind. — George Carlin

People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control. — George Carlin

The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper images of the garbage. — George Carlin

I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker. — George Carlin

My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me. — George Carlin

I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis. — George Carlin

I think self-expression is present at all times, and whether or not you're talking about the outside world or your responses to it depends on the moment and the subject. — George Carlin

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it. — George Carlin

Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. — George Carlin

Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: Take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground. — George Carlin

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff? — George Carlin

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. — George Carlin

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords. — George Carlin

We use up words like spiritual so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago spiritual had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus - is bogosity a word? It should be - a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it how I fit. — George Carlin

Every sixty seconds, thirty acres of rain forest are destroyed in order to raise beef for fast-food restaurants that sell it to people, giving them strokes and heart attacks, which raise medical costs and insurance rates, providing insurance companies with more money to invest in large corporations that branch out further into the Third World so they can destroy more rain forests. — George Carlin

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. — George Carlin

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? — George Carlin

Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love? — George Carlin

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. — George Carlin

An art thief is a man who takes pictures. — George Carlin

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is. — George Carlin

O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers. — George Carlin

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with — George Carlin

Unbelievably, a goldfish can kill a gorilla. However, it does require a substantial element of surprise. — George Carlin

Cancer research is a growth industry. — George Carlin

Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected. — George Carlin

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with. — George Carlin

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it? — George Carlin

When it comes to BULLSHIT ... BIG-TIME, MAJOR LEAGUE BULLSHIT ... you have to stand IN AWE, IN AWE of the all time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. — George Carlin

Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time. — George Carlin

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear. — George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. — George Carlin

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up. — George Carlin

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites? — George Carlin

I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free. — George Carlin

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help. — George Carlin

When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion ... Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do. — George Carlin

The things they don't tell you in schools these days, geez. Have a look at your owners. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice; you have owners. They own you. They own everything. — George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. — George Carlin

We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought. — George Carlin

When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies. — George Carlin

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath. — George Carlin

I use the [vulgar] words because apparently these words do not corrupt morally. I'm from the street in New York, hung around in a tough neighborhood. It was common to curse, you make your point. It's a very effective language. I try not to overdo it. It's never to shock. I know where it fits, it's never to shock. There's no shock value left in words. — George Carlin

I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization. — George Carlin

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that." — George Carlin

I'm not in show business because I don't have to go to the meetings, I'm just not a part of it, I don't belong to it. When you "belong" to something. You want to think about that word, "belong." People should think about that: it means they own you. If you belong to something it owns you, and I just don't care for that. I like spinning out here like one of those subatomic particles that they can't quite pin down. — George Carlin

Life is a near-death experience. — George Carlin

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. — George Carlin

I like to control my environment, because I feel if I have my physical space in order, then I'm free to dream. So there is some compulsion involved. But the dividend I get is the freedom to be totally disorderly in my dreamworld. — George Carlin

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big. — George Carlin

The seven words George Carlin said you couldn't say on TV or radio ("fuck," "piss," "shit," "cunt," "motherfucker," "cocksucker," and "tits"). — Mary Norris

When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to. — George Carlin

Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded. — George Carlin

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. — George Carlin

If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party. — George Carlin

Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work. — George Carlin

I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings. — George Carlin

Suppose that you didn't make your Easter duty and it's Pentecost Sunday, the last day, and you're on a ship at sea. And the chaplain goes into a coma! But you wanted to receive. And then it's Monday, too late ... But then you cross the International Date Line! Would that then be a sin then, Father? — George Carlin

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints? — George Carlin

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey. — George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept. — George Carlin

If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church. — George Carlin

Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change. — George Carlin

I have a lot of things [in me] that are childlike and innocent and sweet. — George Carlin

It seems to me like a perversion of talent for an artist of any kind to further the corporate structure of America or the personal interests of the morons and thieves who run it. — George Carlin

When you're born in this world you're given a ticket to the Freak Show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks. — George Carlin

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio. — George Carlin

Leftovers make you feel good twice. First, when you put it away, you feel thrifty and intelligent: 'I'm saving food!' Then a month later when blue hair is growing out of the ham, and you throw it away, you feel really intelligent: 'I'm saving my life!' — George Carlin