Birbiglia Quotes & Sayings

I feel like everyone wants to make a movie that they feel passionate about watching. — Mike Birbiglia

This is my situation. I'm the kind of person who, for fun, writes articles called 'Aviation Club Soars into Orbit!' and an unhappy bully I've never heard of is sending out envoys. — Mike Birbiglia

I didn't realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents ... my dad told me "You're good; you should be a computer programmer." I said, "You're bad ... you should be a caveman." — Mike Birbiglia

I always live tweet 'SNL.' — Mike Birbiglia

As a comedian, you want people to like you. That's part of why you're there in the first place: You have this unquenchable need to be liked, and then when you divert from that and take a chance at doing something that has moments of fierce unlikeability, you can hit some real low points. — Mike Birbiglia

When I started out, I really struggled as a comic because no one knew who I was, and sometimes I was telling stories, so it would take a while for people to get on board for things. — Mike Birbiglia

Essentially, retweets are like laughs. — Mike Birbiglia

It's interesting how sleepwalking in a certain way becomes an accumulation of your outside stimuli that's actually there and what's happening in your brain. — Mike Birbiglia

It had that kind of open-ended fear to it - like that feeling you get when you're driving and you see a cop. And you're not speeding. You don't have drugs. But you're just thinking, I hope he doesn't notice I'm driving. — Mike Birbiglia

When I was growing up, I didn't know who Jewish people were, what it was to be Jewish. — Mike Birbiglia

When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it. — Mike Birbiglia

It sounds so nerdy and pathetic, but what I always do on Sunday afternoon is bring my inbox down to zero, which is so sad. But e-mail has become like homework for adults. I'll have 141 messages from people who will be offended if I don't write back. — Mike Birbiglia

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out. — Mike Birbiglia

Once you know how to make a movie, you can't not make a movie. — Mike Birbiglia

Backup dancers are completely respectable. They're the studio musicians of dance. — Mike Birbiglia

And so we go and I meet his parents. And it's a very strange thing meeting your girlfriend's boyfriend's parents for the first time. Part of you is angry for obvious reasons and part of you still wants to make a good impression. On a side note, they seemed in perfect health. — Mike Birbiglia

So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around 'normal' and I had been meaning to knock it down to negative 1000. — Mike Birbiglia

Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta get your finances together. You got no cash, your credit cards are maxed out. You don't even have minutes on your calling card. I had to use my card to call you.' — Mike Birbiglia

Shooting a movie isn't good for a sleep disorder. — Mike Birbiglia

I find my fans are really funny people. Most comedians can't say that about their fans. — Mike Birbiglia

Prose is all about embellishing and describing. — Mike Birbiglia

With a monologue, you can be unendingly elliptical. — Mike Birbiglia

'Terminator 2' is so good. I love it. — Mike Birbiglia

Nothing that you want ever is what you think it is. — Mike Birbiglia

Every comedian comes to a fork in the road where they have to decide if they're going to make jokes about other people or make jokes about themselves. I chose myself. — Mike Birbiglia

It used to be that if you got on 'The Tonight Show,' your career was made. Now, if you're on 'The Tonight Show,' maybe 14 more people show up to your gig in Tulsa. — Mike Birbiglia

I think serious situations actually make for the best kind of belly laughs. But they're also the hardest to convert into comedy at the outset. — Mike Birbiglia

If you tried to sell Mike Birbiglia as a concept, no one would buy it. — Mike Birbiglia

Directing a movie is a little bit like being back in student government and putting on the homecoming dance. You're like, 'You put up the streamers, and you hire the DJ, and you get the punch bowl.' Some people are just like, 'This dance sucks.' And you're like, 'No no, this dance is awesome!' You have to be really positive. — Mike Birbiglia

You need to know what doesn't work to know what works. It's especially true in improv and stand-up. — Mike Birbiglia

I was a screenwriting major at Georgetown, and I was in class with some really strong writers like Jonathan Nolan, who co-wrote 'The Dark Knight' with Chris, his brother. He wrote 'The Prestige,' the story for 'Memento.' — Mike Birbiglia

I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who had flown to Los Angeles on my sister's frequent flier miles just six days before. — Mike Birbiglia

I'd much rather try and fail than talk about trying. — Mike Birbiglia

I think the thing I had to be careful about while writing a book was not to say anything that was revealing about other people that they would be uncomfortable with. I didn't want to make people angry - that's a real risk. — Mike Birbiglia

When I was starting out, I thought I would go into comedy and there would be a mentor, like the Philip Seymour Hoffman character in 'Almost Famous,' in my life, and there just wasn't. It was really frustrating for me because I desired that so much. — Mike Birbiglia

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others. — Mike Birbiglia

I would be so mad if I saw something called a memoir, and then it was Mike Birbiglia. It would be so infuriating. It's like, 'Who is this guy, and why does he have a memoir?' David Letterman could write a memoir. Joan Rivers could. I'm just a nobody. I'm a comedian and a writer. — Mike Birbiglia

The Comedy Central CDs combined with the TV specials are what led to my stuff being traded and passed around, and a lot more people knowing my jokes than I thought. — Mike Birbiglia

The Hollywood model is to develop scripts for 10 years, sell them, transfer them, attach this actor, then attach a director. This isn't what I'm about. I'm much more of a creator and a doer. — Mike Birbiglia

Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn't get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I'm doing jazz. That's kinda cool because jazz is cool, but sometimes jazz sucks ... Maybe I'm the Kenny G of comedy. — Mike Birbiglia

I love Broadway shows. — Mike Birbiglia

I think because I've been working in front of audiences for so many years, I'm able to take in the input, good or bad, and just say, 'This is the part I agree with that you're saying, and these are the parts I don't agree with.' — Mike Birbiglia

You get to the end of something, you're laughing, you're like, 'That's funny, and that's funny,' and then you get to the end, and the credits come down, and you're like, 'That's it?! That's the whole thing?! You had me here for that?!' I just don't want to do that. — Mike Birbiglia

I would say that I love pizza so much that sometimes I eat pizza while I'm eating pizza. Like, I'm so content with myself with how it's going that I'm like, 'I should do this more,' not realizing that the mouth is full. I'm just cramming pizza into my mouth. — Mike Birbiglia

My problem with being in New York City is that you really can't make a living as a comedian. You can, but you have to also take writing jobs, which means less stage time. — Mike Birbiglia

You know the expression, 'You're only as sick as your secrets?' I believe that, and I think I try to have my work live by that to a degree. — Mike Birbiglia

I'm generally so disoriented during the week about what I'm doing and where I am - I travel a lot - that when I'm home on a Sunday, I typically try to sleep in as much as I can. — Mike Birbiglia

I went to the doctor, and they found something in my bladder. And whenever they find something, it's never anything good like, "We found something in your bladder AND IT'S SEASON TICKETS TO THE YANKEES!!" — Mike Birbiglia

People getting along doesn't sell very well in the news. I find that to be deeply depressing. I don't even talk about it on stage, because it would take too long to explain. — Mike Birbiglia

Two Drink Mike enjoys dancing and knows a magic trick. Whereas, No Drink Mike enjoys biographies, and has serious opinions on wildlife. And Five Drink Mike ... dances with wildlife. — Mike Birbiglia

Random people, celebrities of note come to your shows over the years, and I've had some really strange ones. Like the guy from Kiss. Gene Simmons has literally been in the audience at my shows, like, four times. I don't know if he knows me; he's just a big fan of comedy. — Mike Birbiglia

I love 'Bullets Over Broadway,' but I'm pretty sure Woody Allen hasn't killed somebody. — Mike Birbiglia

I'm incapable of feeling any joy. — Mike Birbiglia

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no. — Mike Birbiglia

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial. — Mike Birbiglia

Louis C.K. directs his show, which is very much like a series of short films. — Mike Birbiglia

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk. — Mike Birbiglia

Sometimes my fans are too nice. — Mike Birbiglia

Bears are simultaneously so graceful and so strong. Bears know who they are, but they often don't know who you are, which is why they kill you. — Mike Birbiglia

What I always studied in screenwriting from my mentor John Glavin was that the most interesting characters are characters with shades of gray. — Mike Birbiglia

When I go to bed at night, I wear a sleeping bag. And for a long time, I wore mittens so that I couldn't open the sleeping bag. — Mike Birbiglia

I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy. — Mike Birbiglia

The list of fun and easily fixed brain diseases is very short. — Mike Birbiglia

Jokes are so personal, and they bring us together in so many ways. — Mike Birbiglia

My last name has the word 'big' in it. It seems like a logical progression that if you shed away the Bir and the lia, I'll just be Big. — Mike Birbiglia

Someone gave me a piece of advice once, my first manager Lucien Hold. He said, 'If you do stand-up about your own life, no one can steal it.' I always thought that was the best piece of advice. — Mike Birbiglia

In some sense, Comedy Central has made their audience into comedy connoisseurs. — Mike Birbiglia

Comedy is tragedy plus time, but the time is different for everybody. — Mike Birbiglia

The people who are the worst at news, who kind of engage in what I call the World Wrestling of news, have kind of set the bar for where news is. — Mike Birbiglia

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other. — Mike Birbiglia

I'm a compulsive everything. — Mike Birbiglia

If I dream that I'm directing, it's not a film, it's like a commercial for cotton candy, and I've got four feet of cotton candy all around me that I've got to break through, like a brick wall or a fortress. — Mike Birbiglia

I drank the Kool-Aid of being a network star. Once it didn't happen, I realized it wasn't the best version of my comedy. — Mike Birbiglia

I just don't give off a great first impression. — Mike Birbiglia

I was completely unqualified to get into Harvard. But then I went to my interview for Harvard, and the woman asked, 'Why do you want to go here?' And I took out all of my comedy writing samples that I had done. I couldn't have been more delusional in terms of what I thought they wanted in a candidate for college. — Mike Birbiglia

The ability to workshop in stand-up comedy is incomparable to any art form, in my opinion. — Mike Birbiglia

Everything about starting out in comedy is pride-swallowing, from handing out fliers to bombing in front of audiences. — Mike Birbiglia

I didn't realize how good I was with computers until I met my parents. — Mike Birbiglia

Over the years, I managed to develop this comedy career, went from opening act to headliner at comedy clubs, to playing concert halls, and had an off-Broadway show with 'Sleepwalk With Me.' — Mike Birbiglia

It's a difficult line to tread, where sometimes you go to the movies or you watch someone do publicity for movies or TV shows, and they do all the jokes that are good in the promotion of it, and you see the movie, and you're like, 'I kind of get it already. I'm not that psyched about it.' — Mike Birbiglia

You can't go to medical school and come out and be like, 'I'm going to be a dog catcher.' That would be so pointless. — Mike Birbiglia

I'm going to end up making twenty films if people let me. — Mike Birbiglia

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea. — Mike Birbiglia

I've yet to write a stand-up show that isn't autobiographical. — Mike Birbiglia

Nobody knows the life of the working comic. — Mike Birbiglia

I have a following, but it's small. I have this level of fame where people spot me in the airport, consistently, but they always think they're the only one who ever has. People will think they win a prize when they recognize me. — Mike Birbiglia

Falling in love for the first time is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream. Your brain can't even process that level of joy. Love makes people do crazy things like kill other people or shop at Crate & Barrel. I think on some level it makes us all delusional. Deep down, our whole lives, no matter how low our self-esteem gets, we think, I have a special skill that no one knows about and if they knew they'd be amazed. And then eventually we meet someone who says, "You have a secret special skill." And you're like, "I know! So do you!" And they're like, "I know!" And then you're like, "We should eat pizza ice cream together." And that's what love is. It's this giant mound of pizza-flavored ice cream and delusion — Mike Birbiglia

I like films that are so funny, dramatic and lifelike simultaneously, that you are laughing and cringing simultaneously all throughout the film. — Mike Birbiglia

Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt. — Mike Birbiglia

My first car was, as depicted in 'Sleepwalk with Me,' my mother's '92 Volvo station wagon that had 80,000 miles on it, and I had put 40,000 miles on it, so by the time it retired it had 120,000, and I basically killed it. It served me well, and my mechanic was always very angry with me because I just didn't properly care for it. — Mike Birbiglia

There's nothing funny the first time about telling a story about getting beat up and it makes you leave high school. — Mike Birbiglia

I love Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel. — Mike Birbiglia

The way I view comedy clubs is, people are drinking, they're ordering food, they're out for the night, and there's also a person onstage talking. And with the theater, they came to the theater, and they're waiting to hear what you say. So you'd better have something to say. — Mike Birbiglia

There's something about small venues that's amazing for developing material. It's almost like you can not only hear people's response, but you can understand it. In bigger venues you lose that, but you gain this sense of camaraderie in the audience. — Mike Birbiglia

I always have the best story at the party. Anyone telling a story at a party is like, 'No, no, you've got to listen to my story!' I'm like, 'Step aside, everybody. I'm going to blow the doors off this place.' — Mike Birbiglia

When I was in college, I wanted to write for 'Late Night With Conan O'Brien,' and I was an intern there. — Mike Birbiglia

Ultimately, jokes are this really special thing that we can all share. It's exciting to have basically a thousand people in a room together that can laugh at the same time, but I think of it almost as, like, a religious experience. — Mike Birbiglia

I've become good friends with Lena Dunham, and the thing I had in common with Lena when I was 24 is I was as ambitious as she was. What we don't have in common is that I was not as talented. My voice was not as clearly defined. — Mike Birbiglia

Sometimes you'll have a heckler who's actually attempting to be supportive, but you don't realize it. Their way of expressing it is kind of confusing. — Mike Birbiglia

Alienation, I suppose, can't be hackneyed because it will always exist. — Mike Birbiglia