Best Peterman Quotes & Sayings

Samuel," I said sternly. "You just said some really shitty words. We do not fucking speak like that in this house. Do you understand Mommy?" Samuel giggled hysterically and flipped — Robyn Peterman

I've always felt this, from when I was growing up to now with my son Riley. We don't let them be little. I was not a normal kid, but I had a sense of innocence far longer than we let kids. — Melissa Peterman

and a build like a brick shithouse. — Robyn Peterman

Maybe after I saved everyone we could all take a ride on the fucking Ferris wheel ... Fuck was now added to my vocabulary. It was an outstanding word that could basically mean just about anything. It could be used as a noun, verb and adverb. It rolled off the tongue with ease and even if you spoke a foreign language it was difficult not to understand fuck off or off you fuck or fuck you. — Robyn Peterman

I'd never read a romance novel about conjoined twins. It was a huge market that had never been tapped. I had just come up with the new Twilight, — Robyn Peterman

For the love of everything evil," Satan yelled and threw his hands in the air. "What's this crap about everyone doubting me? This is not good for my ego. I'm the fucking Devil - the King — Robyn Peterman

We need to pull over now," she screeched as she gagged. "Paper is not supposed to be made out of poop. — Robyn Peterman

And you're on crack. I'm a witch and you're a wolf. I was not built to blow puppies out of my hooha." His — Robyn Peterman

I opened my mouth and projectile-vomited on her from head to toe. The more I retched, the more I had to retch. It was a disgusting self-fulfilling prophecy. Her howls and screeches were music to my indebted ears. Her hair was covered and her net top held my gift beautifully. — Robyn Peterman

Oh my god," I shrieked. "Who did I screw over in a former life that those douches get to go to cool cities and I have to go home to an island called Hung?" "Those douches do have hairy asses and not just on a full moon. You're the only female agent I have that looks like a model so you're going to Georgia. Period." "Fine. I'll quit. I'll open a bakery." Angela smiled and an icky feeling skittered down my spine. "Excellent, I'll let you tell the Council that all the money they invested in your training is going to be flushed down the toilet — Robyn Peterman

Can I ask you something weird?" Dwayne inquired. "Does it pertain?" "Yes." "Fine, but hurry. I'm due in the agency in ten." "Don't speak till I finish," Dwayne said in a weary voice I'd never heard. "I am going to bite you. I will drink a very small amount of your blood so I can track you definitively. I don't trust my sense of smell enough where your life is concerned. You will then bite me and drink. You will find it disgusting, disturbing and possibly somewhat erotic, which is gross because you're straight and I'm gay, but you will do it. My blood will give you vampire strength. It's temporary, so don't freak. Let's do it." "Was all that a joke?" I stammered. "What? The straight and gay part?" He was confused. "Or the temporary part?" "All of it," I yelled. — Robyn Peterman

Out," I instructed as I began peeling my clothes from my body. "I am going to pee for twenty-seven minutes, and then I'm going to shower for forty-two minutes, followed by scrubbing my teeth for sixty-one minutes. — Robyn Peterman

Why should it?" I shrugged. "I'm a Demon Princess, my father is Satan, most of my sisters are raging sluts, I have an invisible friend named Blanche and I've been in therapy for what feels like half of my life because I'm not evil enough. I'm not sure I'm such a great catch either. — Robyn Peterman

Life happens whether we are ready or not - the only choice or control we have is whether or not we will rise to meet its challenges. — Robyn Peterman

Hear it smells like road kill in ninety degree weather on that side of the building, — Robyn Peterman

But the best part - and I say best with utter and unmistakable disgust - is me tearing around the stage screaming, 'No more wire hangers,' while the cast twerks in terror." Finally I'd rendered them mute. They didn't laugh. They didn't snicker. They didn't go for their balls. The cats simply stared in shock. — Robyn Peterman

What is she?" I asked him. He paused and considered my question. "She's a bitch. A horrible, horrible bitch." He looked down at her and laughed. "But she's my bitch. — Robyn Peterman

You get nervous when you're identified with something that is really great and positive for so long. You don't want to not be that person, but there are going to be other roles in your career. — Melissa Peterman

Anyone who discounts you is a dumbass," I muttered as the golf cart jerked forward.
"And are you a dumbass?" the Pigeon inquired as she peeked under the tarp.
"Absolutely not ... I'm a smartass. — Robyn Peterman

It occurred to me that might not be the best of ideas, but desperate times led to stupid measures. — Robyn Peterman

You're my BFF and I would shred someone's skin from their body and shove their bones down their dead ass throat for you. — Robyn Peterman

Do not mess with my friends, myself or my Prada. — Robyn Peterman

Do you think five babysitters will be sufficient?" Ethan inquired sardonically.
"No, but I'm willing to leave the compound without panties if we can make that happen."
"I'm on it," he said as he quickly began texting our gaggle of sitters — Robyn Peterman

Dwayne, can you shoot a gun?" Dwayne rolled his eyes. "Hanky-poo, Dwayne doesn't need a gun. I have crap in my repertoire that will make you lose sleep for the rest of your life." We all digested that nugget silently for a moment and then moved on. If Dwayne wanted us to know exactly what he was capable of, he would have volunteered it. Part of me hoped I would never have to find out, but the other half was dying to know. "Speaking — Robyn Peterman

Do Dragons eat Mexican?" Hank wondered out loud.
"Dude, they eat people. Mexican is a vast improvement over people. — Robyn Peterman

I was amazing," Dwayne squealed triumphantly as he landed gracefully in the middle of the room. "I did the meld and they bubbled and turned a lovely bluish-orange-green and then BOOM! The sound was incredible. Absolutely fabulous - like fornicating cats and Madonna. — Robyn Peterman

Ethan chuckled and pulled his child close. "However, it might be nice if you gave your Uncle Satan blue skin tomorrow. He would love that."
The gasps in the room were hilarious. My Vampyre was evil to the core ... I bit my lip to keep from screaming or laughing. Satan would look awesome as a Smurf. I needed to make sure my phone was charged so I could get some good blackmail shots. — Robyn Peterman

He shifted his attention back to me and leaned in closer. "I told you to behave. I don't want to have to arrest you ever again."
"Um ... okay."
I felt him slide something under my hand. He leaned in even closer, his mouth by my ear, and whispered, "Although I wouldn't mind handcuffing you."
Oh. My. God. — Robyn Peterman

We'd like to take a look at the adoptable dogs. Please."
"... if you have any thoughts of feeding the dogs, you leave that thought with me."
"This is serious. You can't feed them... You feed them something you think is no big deal ... like a Slim Jim or a Vienna Sausage, and we're cleaning up a shitstorm at two AM."
"Shitstorm," Mark said. " Is that the clinical term, Dr. Peterman?"
" We call it a code brown at the hospital. — Ann Wertz Garvin

Her eyes narrowed, but she wasn't yelling.
I think she liked me ... kind of. The way a mother would like an annoying spastic two year old who belonged to someone else. — Robyn Peterman

Jumping up and down like a Mexican jumping bean on crack. — Robyn Peterman

I love to dance; it's one of my favorite things to do. — Melissa Peterman

Do you mind if we leave here so I can chain smoke 'til I throw up so it will be easier to quit? — Robyn Peterman

It took a lot to render me silent, like learning my grandma had been a stripper in her youth, and that all male Werewolves were hung like horses ... but this was horrific. — Robyn Peterman

You're joking." "No, actually I'm not," my boss said and slapped the folder into my hands. "You leave tomorrow morning and I don't want to see your hairy ass till this is solved." I looked wildly around her office for something to lob at her head. It occurred to me that might not be the best of ideas, but desperate times led to stupid measures. She could not do this to me. I'd worked too hard and I wasn't going back. Ever. "First of all, my ass is not hairy except on a full moon and you're smoking crack if you think I'm going back to Georgia." Angela crossed her arms over her ample chest and narrowed her eyes at me. "Am I your boss?" she asked. "Is this a trick question? — Robyn Peterman

Stand-up is the scariest thing - whether it's TV, movies, improv - stand-up is the worst. — Melissa Peterman