Best Letterman Quotes & Sayings

I'm so excited for my son. On Christmas morning I want to see his face, to be there when he opens the gifts. I want the see what my assistants got him for Christmas. — David Letterman

Over the weekend, John Kerry - the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on - he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and, I think, Canada. And he's so confident that he's started nailing that intern again. — David Letterman

We can go steady and you can wear my letterman jacket."
"Ooooh, maybe," she said playfully. "What letter is on it?"
"No letter, just a picture of a cock."
She snorted. "Of course there is."
"It's a rooster, you pervert."
She eyed me dryly. "Oh yeah? Why a rooster?"
"It symbolizes my cock. Can't love me without loving cock. — Karina Halle

Conan O'Brien has talked about how comedians try to emulate their heroes, fall short, and end up doing their own thing. Johnny Carson tried to be Jack Benny but ended up Johnny Carson. David Letterman tried to copy Johnny Carson but ended up David Letterman. And Conan O'Brien tried to be David Letterman but ended up Conan O'Brien. In O'Brien's words, "It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique." Thank goodness. — Austin Kleon

According to a new survey, people who get divorced die early. People who stay married live longer. The difference is they just wish they were dead. — David Letterman

Simply being a guest on David Letterman's show has been a highlight of my career. I never dreamed that I would follow in his footsteps, though everyone in late night follows Dave's lead. I'm thrilled and grateful that CBS chose me. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go grind a gap in my front teeth. — Stephen Colbert

My manager's biggest dream is for me to be on Letterman. She says, 'Oh, Maggie, will you promise me you'll be on 'Letterman?' What can I say? I just tell her I can't promise, but I'll try my best. — Maggie Q

My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money. — David Letterman

How about this John Kerry controversy? So he's out there in California, tells some kind of joke and it backfires. He's saying he botched the joke ... This guy can lose elections he's not even in. — David Letterman

I want to tell you though, I'm having the absolute best birthday ever. Last night
this was so sweet, it means a great deal
to me
the other cult members got together and they all took me out to see Star Wars. — David Letterman

I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman

As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body. — David Letterman

I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way. — Joe Rogan

Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor of Veterans Day we are marching out a few jokes that have already served. — David Letterman

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode? — David Letterman

When I became a Sigma Chi it was great, because they were the pople I enjoyed being with and I was very proud of the association. It was kind of an instant confidence builder for me
that what I considered the best fraternity on campus had actually wanted me. And I had always been very shy and without a lot of confidence. So it was a really good social experience and for me it was also a social maturation. It was a great benefit. — David Letterman

According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to
live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came
in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much.
Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime. — David Letterman

Osama bin Laden was living in that compound with three wives. It's like he was Newt Gingrich. — David Letterman

Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though. — Jim Gaffigan

I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they may work on their father's presidential campaign after they get out of college and I thought, well, that's a pretty good move because in this economy, they won't be able to find real jobs. — David Letterman

Once you're president, you can't go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he's chewing gum, they go crazy. A big stink because the president's chewing gum. And you think, the Chinese are so easygoing about human rights. What's the problem? — David Letterman

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television. — David Letterman

The best part about holiday parties is the alcohol. You have a couple of drinks and you tell your coworkers and your superiors what you really think about them. And then the fun begins. — David Letterman

Valentine's Day money-saving tips: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. In place of bubble bath, use lavender-scented dish-washing liquid. Forget rose petals. Sprinkle the bed with sliced beets! — David Letterman

Let's stop for a moment to admire the rotating pies. — David Letterman

I was a big TV kid.When I was a kid, I would go home at 3:00 and watch TV straight through to the end of Letterman at 1:30 in the morning.I was obsessed with comics.And I would watch Jerry Seinfeld and Jay Leno and study them as if it was Tolstoy. — Judd Apatow

Probably the most fun I've ever had, actually, acting. Because it was the perfect extension of the stuff that I'd started to do on Late Night With David Letterman, and when I look back on all my work, it was probably the best possible incarnation of Chris Elliott, of me. — Chris Elliott

Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids. — David Letterman

The White House is saying Donald Trump has 'zero percent chance' of being elected. Isn't that a little high? — David Letterman

Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a lot of cabinet positions. And today he announced that he wants the surgeon general to be TV Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That was the kid on 'American Idol,' wasn't it? — David Letterman

To label Jason Randal a magician does a disservice. You'll think the laws of physics, nature, the universe itself have been suspended. He's as good as Houdini was at his best! — David Letterman

You folks feeling the economic pinch? Are you a little fed up with the economic news? It's bad. The department stores, this holiday season, no Santa Claus. They're laying off department-store Santa Clauses. So more bad news for John McCain. — David Letterman

I have talents aplenty. Unfortunately, precious few of them have any redeeming social value. — David Letterman

This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which by the way is the place to go to have plastic surgery. He looks great. A tourist came up to him earlier this week and said, 'May I have your autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?' — David Letterman

The best visual effects are when you shoot as much of what you can in camera. And it's really good for the actor's performance to have something real. — Rob Letterman

David Letterman is the best late-night talk show host right now, hands down, and has been since he first took the desk. — George Lopez

Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don't think that's the best way to go. — David Letterman

Life experience is the best teacher. — David Letterman

We will try to honor David Letterman achievement by doing the best show we can.And occasionally making the network very mad at us. — Stephen Colbert

I've been invited to appear on Letterman, but they wanted me to talk about a funny videotape of Congress. 'Bring us your outtakes!' That's not our job. — Brian Lamb

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. — David Letterman

Tim Tebow has been on the bench longer than Ruth Bader Ginsburg. — David Letterman

Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale. — David Letterman

Going on Letterman is like going off the high dive. It's exhilarating, but after a while it wasn't the kind of thrill I enjoyed. — Lynda Barry

You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs. — David Letterman

Them bats is smart. They use radar! — David Letterman

Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City. One is "Hey taxi." Two is "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdales?" And three is "Don't worry, it's only a flesh wound. — David Letterman

Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president. — David Letterman

Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few close friends. — David Letterman

Tim Tebow may be back in the NFL with the Philadelphia Eagles. As you remember, he was thrown out of the league when he landed his gyrocopter on the White House lawn. — David Letterman

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector. — David Letterman

I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had to quit. Also, I'd consumed a lot of beer for a lot of years, and I thought, That's enough. I've had my fun and I'm glad I quit. — David Letterman

Have you seen these Republican presidential candidates? I bet Obama is sorry now that he spent all that money on the new birth certificate. — David Letterman

I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again,' — David Letterman

I don't mind being accused of being a bad comedian and I don't even mind being accused of being a bad talk-show host, but I never want to be accused of being an arrogant, pompous showbiz asshole. — David Letterman

Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign. — David Letterman

I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We've all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs. — David Letterman

Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, you bastards.' — David Letterman