Best Brian Regan Quotes & Sayings

Brian had always had an American name and it would go well with the new American life they envisioned......Their travails would be worth it if everything turned out right, Blanca said. She was surprised when I asked her why she had come. The answer seemed obvious for her. 'I came here to work,' she said, 'and for a better future for my son. — Margaret Regan

I wanted to do the comic strip. I tried to get it syndicated, and I sent some examples to a syndication company, and they sent me a rejection letter! I wasn't smart enough at the time to realize you shouldn't let rejection letters stop you. I thought that rejection letter meant I was not allowed to be a cartoonist in this world, so I put the rejection letter down and said, well, I'll be a stand-up comedian. — Brian Regan

I eat like a kid. I like Chief Boyardee. Their Ravioli, but they have some stuff I've never seen in the real Italian food world. You ever been in a nice Italian restaurant? Hi how are you? Ummm id like to start with a nice bottle of Chanti and a couple of Caesar Salads and umm I'm going to have the Beef a'ronni. And some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the lady. — Brian Regan

Some people look at creamed corn and ask, 'Why?' I look at creamed corn and ask, 'Why not?' — Brian Regan

Hey, lay off the dairy. And uh, no more happiness. — Brian Regan

Racquetball is the only sport where simultaneously you can be looking at the ball and it'll hit you in the back of the head at 90 miles per hour. — Brian Regan

Just make sure you're staying true to yourself, and do what you think is good in that craft or field [of yours] and then let everything else fall where it falls. — Brian Regan

If you tell a kid not to run to a water slide, he/she will walk for 2 steps, then start running again. — Brian Regan

You see weird things driving ... I've never understood log trucks. Sometimes you'll be out on the highway, you see two big giant trucks loaded up with logs, and they pass each other on the highway ... I don't understand that. I mean, if they need logs over there ... and they need 'em over there, you'd think a phone call would save 'em a whole lot of trouble. — Brian Regan

Mmmm! Lunch and no clean up!! Can life get better? I submit that it CANNOT!! — Brian Regan

I wasn't expecting to really draw in respected comedians but it's going to happen along the way and I'm truly honored by that. — Brian Regan

I hate getting off the elevator on the wrong floor? Anyone ever do that ... and then you have to turn around and face those people. I feel like I owe everyone in there an explanation. — Brian Regan

I saw something in the store the other day that I don't understand: that peanut butter and jelly in the same jar. Is there a point to that? I mean, I'm lazy-but I wanna meet the guy who needs that. Some guy going, "You know, I could go for a sandwich-but, uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. Cleaning, who knows how many knives!?" — Brian Regan

Go my favorite sports team go! Score a goal. Unit. Basket. Go squadron! Defeat the opponents soundly in this ... skirmish. — Brian Regan

It means a lot to me to have my kids like what I do. And that's why I limit them. But I don't want to put that pressure on them to be a fan of mine. — Brian Regan

I go in for the eye test, and I don't know about you, but I concentrate like crazy during the eye exam. You don't want to get no 'D' on that thing and end up with these big thick Coke bottle glasses. — Brian Regan

So when you do board, the first class people, they're sitting there. A lot of them are working as your boarding. They have computers out and calculators. They're looking up at you like, Hey, we're making money right now! Right now we're making money. — Brian Regan

I do a few jokes about the economy but from an everyday person perspective. People like to laugh, and they especially like to laugh during difficult circumstances. — Brian Regan

I am happy doing standup so I don't ever want to stop doing it. But I wouldn't mind venturing off and doing other things that are creative. — Brian Regan

I like the honesty of standup comedy. People don't fake laugh. If they're truly laughing at you, you know they like you. — Brian Regan

You ever say a phrase you say all the time at the wrong time, feel like a complete idiot? Something like, 'You, too. You, too.' I was getting out of the cab at the airport, and the driver goes, 'Hey, have a nice flight.' 'You, too. You, too. You have a nice flight, too - in case you ever fly some day. — Brian Regan

A lot of the kind of comedy that I do comes out of real human moments. For them to work, they have to be truthful kinds of things that people in the audience can go, "Yes, I've experienced that myself!" — Brian Regan

I learned something in the juice isle, and that is, I don't know what's going on with cranberries, but they're getting in all the other juices. Whoever the salesman for cranberries does a great job. He's showing up everywhere. Hey what do you got? Apples? Well let's put some cranberries in them; we'll call it cran-apple - go fifty fifty. What do you got? Grapes? What about cran-grape? What do you got? Mangos? Cran-mango! What do you got? Pork chops? Cran-chops! — Brian Regan

I'm trying to do things I have never done. Like I recently went to 3 different ballets. And I loved trying to learn how to like those a little bit. — Brian Regan

The government will pay certain farmers to not grow corn. Wow. Where's my check? That'd be great. "Hey, what do you do for a living?" "Well, I don't grow corn. Get up at the crack of noon, make sure there's no corn growing. I'm gonna get up early tomorrow. And not plow. You know, we used to not grow tomatoes-but there's more money in not growing corn." — Brian Regan

I saw this sign posted once, it said, "Blasting Zone Ahead." Wow. Shouldn't that read: "Road Closed?" What do you mean there's a blasting zone? What am I supposed to do? "Hey-uh, you might wanna buckle up. Blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're- (Pow!)- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one-we lost Billy?" — Brian Regan

I don't always see humor in things. Especially when I smash my pinky toe into a coffee table leg in the middle of the night. But sometimes I'll see things, or experience things, that make me go, "Huh, maybe that's a bit." — Brian Regan

That's why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn't going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours.
First round. "Cat, K-A-T, I'm outta here." Then as he passed you, "Ha! I know there's 2 T's. — Brian Regan

I did some writing for that movie. The remake of Planet of the Apes. I didn't write the script. But I wrote some lines that they ended up ... not using ... I wrote one line. I thought it would've been perfect. I don't know if anyone saw the movie. It's the scene where the ape general comes in. And they're trying to decide if they should attack right there, or wait until a little later. And I wrote: "Man these bananas are good!" But they didn't use it. I did all of that research. — Brian Regan

So when you do get on, the first class people are already sitting there; they're all sprawled out on their big thrones. Bring me the head of a pig! And a goblet of something cool and refreshing! Anyone have a fiddle? Amuse me. — Brian Regan